what a day what a day what a dayyyyyyy

obviously, i began this post last night-- but it ended up in the draft file-- due to "early have to go to bedism."

can anybody say

"holy crap batman- kill me now" ????

i think i just may die tonight. or very soon thereafter. i am one whooped pup tonight.

i don't even understand how everything that happened today -- could have happened in only one day. of course, MY day, began at 2 somethin in the morning, but still, it was quite a day. for me at least.

it wasn't all "bad" stuff.. it was just "alot" of stuff. and.. it included Dallas..- an hour drive-...soulkid....mall hell..with a capital H... soulMan... and a suspected stolen rental car in Iowa. (y'all know my hate of thievery, thieves, and everything that goes along with it--- not to even mention the fact of ME being the victim. especially when it's possible that it was my own negligence. or stupidity. or senility...that caused it. ughhhhhhh. when i got to this particular point in the day-- i was already wishing i had the fortitude to voice my disdain of bein at the mall..and excuse myself to go lay down in the car. i was sooo frickin tired, and in pain, i couldn't handle it... but i did manage to pull thru-- even after this :

we had picked up soulkid, at rehab at 11:00 am--got to keep her til 5pm this time. (did i say that? sorry if i did.) but anyhow.. first-- we headed to a dallas mall--- ugh. dallas. another favorite of mine. you know. i was at least grateful that it was sunday, traffic was light--for here-- hubby was driving, i laid in the back seat - reading a book - everyone was quite content. we get to the mall-- a nice mall, i'd never been there... but we were stahvin, so we ate first. we did good there-- nobody fought or complained-- and we all actually SPOKE! to each other. not like usual when one of us is an outsider listening. we ALL talked. and it was peaceful, and there were smiles, and even laughs. and the food was good. and i really enjoyed feeling normal for a while. we all did. the weirdest thing? it's beginning to feel "normal" more often.

walking was really a bitch for me for some reason yesterday. and we walked ALOT. they accommodated me, and walked slow-- i know it bothered them, because naturally they walk fast---- oh hell, who am i kidding-- everybody walks fast in comparison to me. i was almost carrying my right leg-- but still biting my tongue... not whining--tellin them i'd catch up etc etc. but they hung back-- and they didn't get upset either. there hasn't been that much peace and calm, and acceptance between any one-- or two even of us in this family in almost two years.. no exaggeration. soulkid didn't drag me away from stuff that I actually wanted to look at. usually i don't get that chance-- i might be lookin at something and she'll come drag me away to see something she wants me to look at--- it gets extremely frustrating. especially when i don't even want to be there. which i never do. :/

anyhow--- she really did need "stuff"-- because we all know where her cash has been going this last many months-- don't we??? "could it be perhaps.... satan"
(that was a SNL church lady quote--in case ya didn't know :))
so, yes we kinda let her splurge a little. BUT , on the good ole fantastic of plastic. mine. one of which -- the only one that had any decent amount of money on -- or so i thought.
we were in one of the stores. the second , i think..maybe third-- but at one of them before-- i had broke down and bought my own self a book... yep-- i know. rare that i buy myself something like that-- well, it wasn't just A book-- it was an expensive book. but i wanted it. i became veruca salt-- and i bought it. theeen.. we were at another store... and i began to think about that particular credit card. it was the same one i put the rental car in iowa/KC on-- plus a $200.00 deposit--that they actually ran, and held. well...i get this "tape runnin thru my head" - of when i returned the car at the airport. and my stomach turned a few circles. i walked over to soulman, and asked:

"do you usually get a receipt when YOU rent a car?"
"YES, why? YOU didn't?!" he immediately knew what was headin his way. -- "did you turn in the keys inside"
--i shake my head---
"did you get closed out?"
"uhhhh, what's that mean?"-- "you know i don't travel alone like this, and i didn't think about any of this til just now." --- scrambling in my no defense havin--defense.

i could see on his face that he was havin the exact same thoughts i was havin. 'someone stole that damn car'..and WE are gonna have to pay for it. POS-or not.

well, holy crap-- i don't think i ever even rented a car by myself. if i did- it was over 20 years ago. i don't know how to do it.

he asked me what exactly happened-- what did i do when i took the car back????
---k. well, i drove up the return aisle. got waved over....

--- he says -- were they wearin "hertz" shirts?
-- well, no, coveralls.. it was freezin.

-- then what?
-- then the guy said he would drive me to my gate- so i wouldn't be late-- and he did.
--- soulman shook his head in -- pre-defeat.
---- i felt very very very very stooopid at that moment. for turning over a car--and keys-- to "someone"--and getting NO proof whatsoever, in return. ugh. talk about nauseated?
= i just walked outside. i had had only one cigarete in about two hours by this time-- i am trying to quit-- but i really needed a cig. that second. i went out, lit a smoke, and called my credit card-- to see if the deposit from the car place had been refunded yet??? it had NOT!
sick stomach, sick stomach, instant migraine. omg.

---- next i called the car place in KC.. i told them my story-and my fear-- she went into the computer--and found the car-- closed out. i was so relieved i wilted. she said it could take 48 hrs for the refund because it got back on a saturday. i didn't care at that point. all i wanted to hear was thhat they HAD the car, and MY name was not on it. i just didn't wanna get sued for a friggin avio. because of my own ignorance. but yep that was a relief. and a huge one.i have no friggin idea what i woulda done-- or had to do-- if that guy drove off with that car. i didn't buy their insurance-- i always-- assume that my own ins covers a rental. i'm not even positive they do. i just hope :)) told ya i fly by the seat of my pants. :o

but worst case scenario?? soulkids first car would be an avio. niiiice. assuming that it was recovered. that was about thirty minutes of my life i'll never see again. not that i want it back-- it was terribly stressful. but a enormous relief in the end.
*
anyhow-- i met back up with the soul clan-- and we continued to drag our asses--i mean walk the mall.. and shop-- or look in stores. we began to run out of time, nearly an hour drive between us and rehab, and not much more time than that before soulkid had to be back. soooo, she had a bit more money left in her "budget" , so of course she was gonna cash it out before she lost her chance. our last stop was sephora --
after about what felt like a damn month in there-- i felt a grouch alert comin on, and i saw one comin on soulmans face. two old folks can only take so much mall hell in one day. but were ending the day/visit, and so far no one had argued, no one had cried.. everything had been smoothe sailing the whole way through--- and i was not about to screw it up in last hour. no way. everyone of us was trying to damn hard this time to throw it all away. so to keep the peace-- we let her look just a few more minutes-- even with her knowing, she wasn't spending one more nickel.

by this time i was just flat out exhausted and in some extreme pain. my legs mostly . neck and legs. we had been walking for hours, i had to sit- several times; but in sophora-- (they had a table thing, so i sat on it while soulkid was lookin at stuff)-- stuff i didn't plan to buy-- i just wanted to be home - now. not go home...i needed to BE home. i didn't have so much as a asperin with me. i was dying. on the verge of tears even. but i did so good. i really need to stop bitchin about pain. (and shit)--i'll work on that :))

so anyhow, this lil "table" only had a part of it that would hold my ass :)) cuz it had a display of some sort on it too / thhen almost immediately after i sat down, an employee came over -
she says...
"are you alright?"
"i'm fine"
"are you sure?"
"yes, i'm ok, thanks"
she was waaay over concerned. well, that - or i just really must have looked worse than the ole soul clan was lettin on. this woman was actin like i just got up from a seizure or somethin. it was weird. freaky even.
i couldn't get rid of her , she was like a mom hangin over a sick baby.
"can i get you some water???"
i must have looked like i was gonna have a heart attack or something. hell i don't know--obviously i couldn't see myself.
i finally convinced her i was OK. and that hubby and daughter were "right there"
and she left. ugh.
i guess folks just don't want people collapsing in their stores eh? it's all about money i spose. even tho i don't sue people. i figure if i crap out-- it's just cuz i suck-- not the place it happens. :))

anyways.. i don't think i ned to tell you--that was our cue to leave. ---

do i have to tell you that i had no clue how much she was spending? i don't do make-up-- therefore, i don't buy make-up. she handed me crap.. i held it til it was time to pay. i will spare you the horrid final bill, but i will say the kid was thrilled. stoked i say.
me? well, not so much. i nearly had a coronary when i paid it. but-- i did pay it.
she was very happy--- it was nice to see her genuinely happy--naturally happy-- and she was thankful and grateful-- not just for the stuff, but also for the nice day we had as a family. actual peace. i haven't felt that here in a very very long time. none of us have.

i really think things are gonna start to change. if not? well.. i guess we'll just move to --- i almost said alaska-- but hell no--- :))
somewhere far away and warm. but i feel good about this. finally.

maybe the gettin out of here for a few days-- and jamies perspective on things-- really made a difference in how i can look at it now. last week... i coulda walked out and not looked back. at least i thought i could. i don't know how realistic those thoughts were--or if i would have acted on them... but they really were consuming me.
no escaping allowed i guess.
"soul, this is your life; stand up and deal with it"
ugh... i never dreamed that this is where i would be sitting at this stage in my life. but are any of us where we thought we would be? if you are-- i wanna hear it.

i must go. i have much to do-- before my kid gets home tomorrow. that sounds almost weird-- as weird as her calling rehab home. changing it to the place i stay. ugh.

i hope every one of you are safe and healthy and happy-- and your children are the same.
hugs to you all.