oh happy day

howdy folks--
what's up in your worlds lately?

i want to say "not much" in mine. but that's not all true. i have been busy. but i also haven't been busy. i spent the weekend in bed/ sick. and half of yesterday too. wth people. when i wrote here that i was gonna take it easy for a while longer-- folks said, no, don't give in, do what YOU can do... so, of course, bein the type that i am... i forged on. until i could forge no more. things look a ton better around the house. we have the tree and christmas stuff out of storage, it's just not put up yet. i can only bet that eevee will be the first to knock the entire thing over-- she is such a clumsy dog.
there's been years we couldn't even have a tree because of our dumb animals. different ones , but they all have had their own special issues.
last year we had it up, but we had midnight, sushi, and the cats.. all that's changed this year is midnight's gone and eevee is here. and even tho midnight was blind-- i still think eevee is clumsier.

sooo-- we just keep puttin it off. but we must get on it. we must be festive.

it is hard to feel the least bit festive when ya feel as crappy as i do . i'll tell ya that much. i hate to bore y'all with all this medical crap so often, but really-- i'm goin on two months-- of feelin like shit-- every single damn day. i'm beginning to feel like something isn't right. i'm having all sorts of problems lately, and they just will not go away. the headache, i know-- i claimed it to be gone-- in prayer, in public on my blog, etc, it creeps in and out-- but at least i do have periods of relief , which i didn't have before. which is better than a few days ago. so, no i haven't given up on prayer. i know it works-- and yes charlotte-- jamie was who i meant i saw it work with. in more ways than one. along with a lot of other peeps i know. i have to say jamie tho, was so in your face obvious tho. like the leper by the healing pool. (you know that one?) that's what i feel like a lot. i just lay there feet away from my healing, but don't have enough faith to do the footwork to move the three feet to get in the pool that will heal heal me. like pray, or go to church, i just don't handle things well. i live my life defeated .. before i have even been defeated. i was not like that before. before what? i'm not sure. i just know something changed. somewhere. and i changed. i sort of quit somewhere. or as my sis said-- i lost my young heart. i got old. i obviously lost my faith. none of which, i wanted, or planned to do. just stuff that happened. it seemed an easy transition to slip into-- but oh so hard to climb out of.

i find myself --and have for a long time-- blaming "people" for my unhappiness.. or whatever it is..a lot of the time. when actually, whatever "it may be" is obviously no ones fault but my own. if i have trouble trusting someone.. it isn't them.. it's someone--or people from my past. if i get scared and put the brick wall up just because i feel afraid of getting too close--or hurt by someone.. that isn't someone elses fault-- that is my own fault cuz i let myself get crapped on one too many times. or i'm just too afraid to speak up, and say what's really on my mind.

i find it easy to blame my disdain for christmas, on the fact that today-- dec 9 (1996) would be/should be-- my second sons birth day. he was to be induced today-- and would turn 12 years old today. but that didn't work out, and he is in heaven. i never even saw his face. not once. and i can't NOT be pissed off about that. i have been a totally different person since that day-- and a person i haven't been able to like very much either. many people don't understand that. how i can hold on to that anger for so many years. but i have, and i do. and i can't change it. i have tried. God knows i have tried. but , it's a big part of who i am these days. and Christmastime is when it hits me the hardest. i wish it wasn't that way. it just is.

so yep-- mental stuff, physical stuff, emotional stuff, it can all change your perspective on your life, and your trust level of people and of God. that's not a good place to live folks.
it makes livin in the woods somewhere in a tent -- somewhere warm of course :)) -- seem like a real good place to be sometimes. not havin to be responsible for anyone, or their feelings, or even too much of anything. no bills, eat fish everyday, drink spring water-- or tea and coffee. man, all i'd need to do is learn how to make a fire. and deal with pain without meds-- but i have done that before-- for long periods of time. it can be done.

i know someone who did that for a while-- she did it with three kids even. up in oregon. just camped-- but in some kind of hippie camp-- back in the early 90's. she did it out of necessity, cuz she couldn't afford any other way. i would do it out of choice. just me and my fishin gear. and some kind of mattress and tent-- no way would my ole bod survive on the ground.

ok-- how did i get here?? no, it's not the first time i have thought of runnin away and livin in a cave-- but good lord. it's not an option, and i know it. so just shut me up.
it doesn't sound too bad-- in the short term range tho does it? get into months or years tho-- and i think it gets a little worrisome.

ok peeps-- i think i have lost my train of thought -- again. i got up for more coffee-- and viola-- my head is empty. i know that doesn't surprise you. but i spose i should shut up-- before i do surprise someone with my idiocy.

i may have a second post for today up my sleeve.. an update of sorts. maybe. i was supposed to see my dr yesterday for a blood test-- the PT-INR.. but i decided-- i just may fire her incompetent ass. so today-- at 10 a.m. i am going in to see soulkids dr. i like her a lot better. she always seems friendly, and much more knowledgeable than mine. let's just hope that she IS.
i sooo hate doctors. y'all already know that tho. so i won't elaborate.

hope you all have great days today-- i must go
latah peeps