hi everybody-- it's MEEEEEEE

i don't think i can write much at this time, but i did want to jump on real quick to say hello. you guys rock !!
i owe so many emails, phone calls, and thank yous, that i just don't think i will ever get caught up. just know that you have not gone unnoticed if i don't get back to you personally. i don't know exactly what the recovery time is sippposed to be for this kind of thing-- but it seems i had a setback of sorts, but i'm not sure. i got out of the hospitl saturday-- i think-- by sunday i was as bad as i waqs on day 1. yesterday i couldn't walk more than two feet without falling to the floor-- littlerally-- just melting into a heap of nuthing. poor soulman with his broken hand having to pick me up and carry me here or there. it was awful. and dealing with damn dr's was no fun at all for him either. on was way too far for himn to attempt to carry me... if i wasn't in pain he coulda slung me over his shoulder and been fine, but he couldn't do that. so he went up three floors, and they told him if i couldn't get up there-- to my endocrinologist-- that they would not see me. and there i was in what we thought was addisons crises. unable to walk, with bp of 60/40 !!! ugh. what a fiasco. he finally found a wheelchair and got me up there. what did she do??? not a fuckin thing. did she give me the shot of steroids--that we hand carried in there? nope. did she show or tell us how to do it--or even how much to take? since all the vial said was use as directed-- and it wasn't directed! not. she took my bp-- 60.40-- on one arm-- 70/50 other arm. odd, but it happened-- and she urgeed us to go to ER for IV fluids.
OH HELL NO !! poor hubby had been sittin his ass for hours a day in a hospital for weeks on end between me and soulkid. no way in hell was i gonna put hinm in an emergency room for another five seconds-- not to mention five hours
AND on a "day off". so , against his better judgement-- we stopped for waters and gatorade and soup etc, and came home. i still couldnt stand on my own feet but i just wasnt gonna put him thru any more suffering. oh-- he also bought a bp cuff (electronic) to monitor my bp from home. the more i drank and ate, the better the bp got, by this am, it was like 110/87 ish----and i can stand and walk on my own. so that is a plus.

so, we have survived another day here in soulland and are ready to face another.
i still haven't hit any blogs but i hope to--i have read ALL the comments here tho-- and i love you all -- you have made me smile so much, when i surely shoulda been crying half the time.

God only knows what kinda crazy stuff i may have said around these pages and in emails and stuff. i have seen some stuff i wrote on here and on texts and stuff, and my goshkness. i hope i don't ever have to be in that situation again. i still don't know what that medicine was called that they had me on in the hospital for the first few days, but i reallly hope i don't ever have to take that crap again. all i know is i heard the dr say that it was ten times stronger than morphine, and it started with a D--and it had a N, and a th in its name. most likely the generic name. i am more than positive it is a med that is used in combat. it works almost instantly. (intravenously). i want to say that it isn't a med that makes you high--- but it would be a lie. it did not make me feel anything like it is a drug that i would choose to sit around and use for "fun"... but good LAWD... that shit did make me hallucinate! and not in a good way. if there is such a thing.i don't think i have ever hallucinated in a good way. but i have hallucinated before.
examples?
my bed-- i mentioned it here--somewhere-- it was automatic somehow--and every so many minutes would move by itself--- reason being-- so an immobile patient wouldn't develop bed sores. BUT--- after a couple days of that?? it got freaky !! by the day i left? i was on the bed hubby in the chair next to me..and i tell ya-- every day i was there i got more bitchy--- so, i was mighty bitchy at that point.. and the bed "seemed to be moving" every two seconds. i kept kickin it and cussing etc -- so after--i don't know how long-- of this-- hubby finally says-- "WHAT - IS - WRONG???
i say--
i'm gonna shoot this fuckin bed if it doesn't stop moving !!!
he says-- brenda. it's NOT moving!
i immediately got off the bed and i
tnto a chair! ht was IT for me. i had seen ghostly "arms reach around and over the bed, the bed had rolled and moved and grinded for days, i heard shit-- i heard babies cry--- that -- thank god-- hubby actually heard too that last day --so the baby was real. i think.
then there was the goin to the theeater thing and seeing jamie etc that i wrote about here. WTH.??that is weird.
but yep--
that and the money issue--and hubby's time and effort-- is why i self treated yesterdays BP issue. i was not gonna go back to the hospital. and there was not only a possibility of five or six hours in ER for IV fluids-- but maybe even another couple days inpatient. and i just wasn't prepared for that.
i tell ya-- i been in mental hospitals that were better. perhaps being mobile makes the difference? i don't know. but this was no fun at all. none. no fun.i never want to go to another hospital ever again.

oh and, thanks for all the mac n cheese guys!

and yep-- i did get out of many many dish washings didn't i? lol..y'all are funny people

ok-- what else did y'all ask??

where'd it come from?
the docs say the blood clot most likely came from my leg, while i was laid up with the mono--- lack of movement for that five or six days, caused the clot-- possibly---then i guess over the next couple days as i got moving around , fixing up the office etc-- it dislodged the clot-- (this is when i began bitchin about some leg pain to some ppl)-- then came the side pain -- on sunday -- monday i had a neuro appt for botox injections for my back and neck pain. otherwise, hubby had been urging me to go to the dr for the pain on sunday. if not for the neuro appt on that next day, i would have died, because that was my excuse to not go to ER --and of course the money and time. i just told him i'm seein the neuro doc tomorrow, he'll tell me what to do. well he sure did. he walked in the room said hello to soulman, looked at me, and said, "what's wrong? go to ER right now". hmmm. ok. maybe i'll do that, because by that time, the pain was worsening literally ever five minutes.

how did they find it?

labs.

some kinda blood test (marker) -- who knew? right? not me. anyhow-- showed up in the blood work... so they did a cat scan.. and voila-- blood clot--- with "infarction"-- so it was like my lung had a heart attack.
ever heard the term "myocardial infarction" --- fancy word for heart attack with damage i spose. well the clot dislodged and hit the walll of the lung and killed that part.
will it come back? nope. dead and gone.

the size? fairly large... that is the phrase i heard. no size number in centimeters or mm etc, whatever. so not sure there. but i did read that the big ones are the ones that get ya. so i spose i got lucky. it really did make me re-think a lot. a whole lot a lot.

ummmm... what else?
oh-- yes meds-- blood thinners-- made the clot dissolve i guess. whatever word they used. made it break up and go through the vessel. wafarin/coumidin . i have to take it for like six months. maybe more. now i am a bleeder. i'm not looking forward to the next time i get hooked while fishing. just the tiny tiny needle they prick my finger with to check my blood makes me bleed for minutes. ugh.

this whole thing has me afraid of everydamn thing. afraid to walk/fall,/hit/cut my head, afraid to fish or cut anything, /myself, i'm even afraid to smoke! oh how i miss it. smoking i mean.
today is the hardest day yet without a smoke. i just really really want a cig. i smoked one or two my first day out.. day two maybe six or so... not a full one at one time, but by the end of day two i just could handle it. it hurt and i was nauseated and puking , it just wasn't worth it.
and even though the clot was not caused by smoking--- the healing will surely not come any faster by smoking. i have less lung already now-- i think i'll just keep what i have, and skip that kind of pain in the future. at least i hope so.

was there any other questions? i don't remember. just about the meds i think-- i didn't know they had a drug stronger than morphine either. haha who was it askin if i was gettin heroine?? LOL.. that cracked me up! nope-- i don't think i ever had that before-- well i KNOW i never had heroin, but the oxy contin.. don't think so on that either.
as for morphine or the other crap they had me on.. i wouldn't even want to try to dose that myself. i just can't see how people sit around and shoot that shit into theirself... for fun. it's just not fun. it's a miracle for pain.. someone was brilliant when they made it-- but for any other reason.. it's just freaky,.
so anyhow-- it's way controlled they don't just give it to people. maybe cancer patients- thru a nurse-- hospice or something-- but the average "soul" doesnt just randomly pick up an rx for morphine and stuff.
it's like pulling teeth to get damn codeine anyhow. i was shocked to even get the demerol--especially from this doc.

ok, im just runnin on now--

i got some awesome flowers from portia when i got home from the hosptal .they smell so nice and look so prett-eeeee. i haven't been able to take a picture tho--i wish i could have, they arent faring to well right now. they sure are nice tho. THANKS PORTIA

and yesterday--or the day before? (sorry, i have lost all concept of time and space)-- i got a gift from angie-- you won't believe what it was-- but i smiled like a fool for ten minutes-- a SLOTH!!! a stuffed sloth !!! it is the cutest damn thing i have ever seen!
THANKS ANGIE BABY!

if i can handle it i shall get pix up but don't count on it today --- unless i can get someone else to take em.

anyways.. this came out much longer than i expected-- sorry.
now i am exhausted. doesn't take much these days. i think im goin back to bed. i will try to get around later. i may have to visit yall a couple at a time-- but ill get around eventually
i sure hope yall are well and happy--unfortunately i already know that is not the case with some, and i am sorry for that, i wish i could help. im pretty useless in the helping out department right now.