i cannot shut up again-- (yesterdays post reply moved here-)

yep-- i'm just about THIS clear headed today
what do you expect when i wake up at 1:30 a.m.?
:[

hi everybody-

re-reading this (yesterdays post)-- maybe i sounded a bit harsh-- but as you can see-- i have been without-- and a lot more than the couple times i mentioned.
really, it just surprises me, that when people need something..and especially to the point of asking for it-- to me it makes me believe that they really need it- and are humbled enough to be asking for help. or so one would think. ya know?

i'm sure many of you know already that i enjoy helping people-- or simply giving or doing for people.
it doesn't have to be a lot-- or even materialistic. but if someone needs something..whether they ask or not-- if i think they need something-- i'll offer it up. most of the time.

maybe i do take this kind of thing a bit too personally sometimes though.. perhaps because i have been so---- SO... without, at times. i think people-- well, a lot of people these days have "high bottoms" sometimes. and they do expect a lot sometimes. many think they need handouts while they still have a nice car, a job, a house, the internet, their jewelry, etc. who knows.

when it has been me-- young , or "old"- and my family. we're talkin , government commodities (back in the day), church food donations, jewelry- or anything else worth a crap sitting in - or lost at pawn shops, food stamps, little to no furniture, dish washing liquid bein used for shampoo and laundry soap as well as dishes. (if not laundry soap! used for these things)- and i'll tell ya the final hair results leavin a person..yup- me- in tears-- real tears. and the rare bottle of actual shampoo brings tears of JOY.

we have pushed freakin grocery carts half a mile -- carless -to freakin laundry mats with eight loads of laundry -once a week. if not longer, and more.... for the hell of laundry day.
any of us who smoked-- we smoked roll your own! ("Bugler"- canned loose leaf tobacco-- mine were no less than laughable--or cryable, i should say. i wasn't a pot smoker-- so that should tell you how well i could roll a cig-- i couldn't roll a joint-- sooo figure the odds ! goo-lawd. it was a train wreck-- but i managed... or had my bro in law --- at the time , roll em for me. he was good at it :))

a ready made generic cigarette,-- yes one, or two, -- on occasion-- was a damn luxury! freakin toilet paper or real shampoo-- or a damn CLEAN, DRY , UNUSED by someone else in the house - towel was like a hundred bucks to me. pure heaven. if i could just get that FIRST use out of it, i was happy-- for a day. that time in my life left me with a lifelong used towel phobia! i hate it. i refuse!

some of y'all know where i'm comin from.. and some of y'all just can't fathom a family of the "age i grew up in" bein that bad off. but it happened. but also-- some of you lived it too.

it was really strange way to grow up. actually to live my life --- until the age of about -- well... i'd guess... 39 or 40-- yep, that's like this last year or two--a few of you watched it all happen :))

it was always feast or famine. either we had-- or we had NOT. i think it makes for a kinda "irresponsible-- responsible ", messed up in the financial department kinda person. if ya know what i mean. :))

but anyhow... it also makes for a person who never wants to see anybody do without. and that is why i would do anything i can for anyone... i've given stuff away that made people think i was insane because i didn't sell it. and i would do it again. and again.

people have really gone out of their way to help me when i was down. i've had people "over-help" me at times. even strangers. people that i've never seen again.

maybe some of these things are why i expect people who claim to be in need-- to be more appreciative of what is offered to them. i don't know. because it just seems to me that some aren't .

maybe i'll never explain my position on this the way that i mean to. at least not in the way that i want it to be understood the way that i want it to be. without sounding that i look down upon people who need things or ask for things. like when i used the word beggin..or whatever. i didn't mean that to sound bad in anyway-- or especially harsh. it's just my terminology. y'all know i'm a bit uncouth at times. in no way was that meant to be disrespectful.

i don't feel above any one of them.. it could be me.. at any time-- it has been me... many times. and i know i am not immune for it to be me again someday-- i pray that it won't be.. but ya just never know. do ya?
the only difference is -- i was there before the signs got popular. i bet i coulda came up with a "good" one. :))

anyhow- like blur said-- in a way--
-- from these times in my life---- spawned my child--- who gets just about everything she asks for -- because i had nothin, for so much of my life. i had and lost so much , so often,l that IF i can give it to her-- it's hers--
i've gotten a ton better these passed few months (maybe even years really) about the "free money, and "stuff", and the never ending flow of cash. and there are now limitations... and she is learning to appreciate and respect things more. that's progress. but it took a long time to get her there. it took a long time to get me there too.

it also took a lot of advice-- wanted-- or not-- from y'all to get me there. and changes, and growth have come from it--

ya know, she was a lot younger when our family had our hardest times, and even then, she came first--and didn't notice--or doesn't remember.
that's the way i think like it. i don't want her to look back on her life and remember "being poor". ya know. i want her to remember "being taken care of", and having a good life".

a few hard times are always good to see your family pull through-- and she saw that a couple years ago in new mexico. she knows that was tough all the way around. it was one year of our lives.. a year that she knows we put her first-- through everything. bad health on my part, little money, high stress, crappy house. all kinds of crap. she saw us pull together as a family and work for each other and especially her-- (in a non materialistic way.) -- and move forward for HER a better life... and we got that for her. if she hasn't learned from any other family experience.. that one was the biggest anyhow-- i think. it took her a while to put it all together, but she does see now, what it all is in the big picture. that's huge. and i do think it changed her views on the strength of family-- and not just ours-- but others too, and even her future family. and i didn't even know that -- until yesterday! (that's a whole nuther post-- but i'll prolly never put it up-- cuz too much can't be said, and smocha will scold me for makin her think :))
(but my girl and i had a quite intense three hour heart to heart yesterday-- a lot was revealed... and i must say--- i have an awesome kid. she scares the shit outta me--- but at the same time-- she is mature, and insightful-- and even though she is stubborn and full of attitude-- she's simply brilliant. if i do say so myself.

(you thinkin yet smocha? :))

anyhow--- my ADD-- is alive and well. i'm beginning to think i need medication. i swear my mind never stops. never. perhaps that is why i woke up at 130 a.m for no damn reason?

now--- since i have literally BLOGGED a reply in my box-- i do believe that i will now move it to the other side, and call it my post o' the day---

happy--- holy crap -- it's FRIDAY!!!! woo hoo !!!