i wish i could hear one of his dumb jokes today

well, i think i figured out why i'm so friggin lazy today. my brother has been on my mind a lot all day today. more so than other years. or so it seems. not sure why, it's just been that way. i even talked a bit to hubby about him, even cracked a few jokes. you see, today is my brothers birthday. but he isn't here to celebrate it. he died in '95. he would be 47 years old today. i bet he would be celebrating his birthday in arkansas with my sister and her boys , and other friends and family this year.
my sisters boys birthdays are all three in june and july, and this year they are all having one big party out there. i bet our brother michael would be included, and he would love every minute of it.
weird how stuff like this sneaks up on me sometimes. some years i won't even think of someone who has died, a family member or a friend...then another year, they may be on my mind for a week. this time, i have had my brother on my mind off and on all day. but not really in a sad way, at all. just some of the wild thing he would do. some of the actual stupid things he would do. some of his "wonderful" girlfriends. :))... that i would have to run off... for his, and our safety. ya that was always fun. :))
he taught me how to play chess.... he also taught me how to rescue someone in convulsions... on the fly. yes including him.

in fact, one time, i was in a chinese restaurant with a friend.. years before my brother died... but i just heard "that noise" ya know? then i hear dishes fall. i hesitated, then looked across the room...sure enough, there's this guy, maybe in his mid twenties, going into convulsions in his booth, his girlfriend there looking helpless... the waiter/owner, a asian man... running back and forth frantically... "oh! he chokee! he chokee!" waving a white rag around. finally, i couldn't take it anymore. i was hoping someone else would help the guy, but obviously noone else knew what was happening...they thought the guy was choking! sooo... i got up, and went over, and got the guy out of his booth and onto the floor and laid him on his side, checked his mouth/airway...and just let him ride it out. all the while.. the chinese guy is running around..oh! He Chokee, He Chokee! man, it was funny. of course not the seizure...but the chinese guy. the guy was fine after a few minutes. he was a little dazed when he woke up, his girlfriend was a little scared, but they were both fine. the restaurant called a ambulance...which really wasn't needed but they took him off anyhow. but i think the owner was more scared than anyone there that day.
so anyhow.. ya. i still can't hear anyone .. seizure , yawn, stretch...whatever...any kind of weird noise like that, "pre-convulsion" sound.. it's kinda like PTSD. it always makes me look for my brother..or someone going into convulsions. it's heart stopping. that's how my brother died. but he was asleep. i'm sure he didn't suffer at all. and he was alone, so no one really had to actually see it happpen. i was in a different state. he was living with my mom, his daughter who was 9, and our grown male cousin...who found him that morning.
i think all his life we all expected that that would be the way that he would die. it really wasn't even a shock even though it was sudden and unexpected. he was having so many seizures by that time.

but anyways. ya. happy birthday to my brother. he always found a reason to smile... and a way to make others smile. here is my brother...