it's cuz i am me - as all of you know -
let's take a walk through the past week shall we?
where should i begin? ok - i know - let's begin with the most epic of all hair fails of my entire existence shall we ---
my soul man has been my hair man for the past oh so many years . y'all know that. well, most of you do. he doesn't cut it - but he has always been the one to hi-lite it. at least since years ago when i paid almost one hundred dollars to have it done professionally - when we were po' . surprise ! i had NO idea it cost that much til i was done :((
so soulman became my hair man - as well as soulkids. unless of course she did it herself - which i am a no talent at.. for her- or me.
SO - -- a couple days before my birthday - i decided i wanted to be beautiful to go out with the family on birthday night -- oh shut up!
i also decided - instead of hi-lites -
" let's go 'all - blonde ' this time"....
bad idea -- really huge bad idea --- :))
see??? an hour later -- this is what i discovered on top of my head --
ok- the only thing more irritating than the orange hair is the sideways photo !
anyhow - that night into the next day - there were several attempts to save my hair - both from soulman - who felt so terrible i can't even tell you... even tho - we both were LOMFAO !!
if i woulda been upset i know he woulda been too - i just wasn't -- it was too funny to be mad. it reminded myself of those lil hillbilly dolls from the 50's - they were ceramic -- anyhow -- it really was worth a laugh, to see soulman , and even me laugh like that -- i would go through it again !
so- he tries one or two more times to get rid of the orange -- no help -- -- i give up! it was late - i go to bed --
next day -- soulkid in all her kindness gives it a try ---
it does help -- some of the orange came out and it did tone down some of the screamin flamin orange
but this is what i ended up with -- TWO days before my birthday outing - --
along with SURPRISE delivered b-day flowers from my mommyson!
my soulkid did a great job i think - but still -- just not ME. this is not soul. i can't be the bitch we all know and love with hair like that. there is no 'gran - gran' there. don't y'all agree?
so - i get on the internet - searching frantically for a save my head in a hurry - discount dye job. surprise! through all this - i found one - only one mile from my house! same day save me!
the day before my birthday!
y'all may not understand the importance of THIS particular birthday - for me -- even tho i am an old hag - of 46 -- many of you may not realize that THIS was the one that i finally came to understand that LIFE actually means something. i was gonna make this b-day special for all three of us lil souls.
(i'll get to that later --) but it is truly unbelievable how close i have come to literally dieing just in the past five years. the latest being the recent fall in the tub. as stupid as it was - and may have sounded - as hard as i fell. and as hard as i hit my head -- combined with how ill i was? that was a near fatal fall. and i am for once grateful to have lived through a close call.
SO - back to the hair fail -- i found my savior -- or had i?
ciggie break in my car -- truly an addict :((
i DID! it took two hours and a lot of patience from both of us - but she saved my head !
it wasn't cheap , and i won't be paying a salon any time soon - i trust my soulman .. but i will NEVER let him touch bleach again :))
(i have no now pic - i tried - and i have puffy fish morning face - BAH!)
but it IS back to 'normal' - the brownish normal -
hi- lites are still in my future- when my fried hair has time to heal :))
SO -- moooovin on to part two of murphys law joins me for my birthday ??
k - all is goin well , my hair is better, i feel better -- for a minute -- then what? my legs give out on me. oh man i can't explain the pain in words -- but i was in hell !!!! and we had plans -- and nothin was gonna stop me -- not this time..... we forge on...
first stop? dinner - a steak house -- i'm gettin my favorite cut -- a rib-eye ! YUMMO -- right? wrong. the food comes and my steak is nearly more than well done. dry as a bone. soulmans? omg!! delicious! perfectly cooked.. juices runnin all over his plate.... soulkids food? of course she loved it. i don';t cause a scene -- i have a few bites of soulmans steak - and send mine back -- i don't have a ' meal'. it was fine -- i had eaten an appetizer and salad already - and really it was 'fine - but a steak - properly cooked , woulda been better. so -= we forge on --
second stop? i'm worried i won't be able to smoke at the comedy club where we are headed... so, we stop at a random store - they are sold out of electronic cigs - they had menthol-- but i would rather die.
third stop? another random store - for an e-cig -- not stocked-
fourth stop? ANOTHER random store - no e-cigs :((
soul is gettin angry -- but holdin steady -
fifth stop????? yup- you guessed it --- i go into yet another random store - they don't have an e-cig either--i resign myself and buy a pack of big red chewing gum, :))
we finally get to the club-- daughter says -- i forgot my drivers license - is that a problem???
-----insert crazy lady laugh here -----
(but alas - we are saved because we remember one of had her government ID card. PHEW - that few seconds seemed a lifetime - you know how that is.
so anyhow -- we got into the club no problem -- until -- one last visit from murphy just had to occur - of course it is as you know - because i am me .....
the show was late to get started - so i decide -- to hit the head -- LOL - i just had to say that ! -- i mean i had to go pee - so i head to the bathroom... the way the place was set up almost was like a scene from a scary movie. ya go thru this dark hallway to get to the bathroom, at the end -- it's only like 15 ft - or so -- at the end you can see this door - with a tinted window - but ya can see kind of - inside - there is an attendant, and she sees me, and she waves me back. to go away. i'm confused. like WTF? right? at that time another lady comes in the hallway- and the attendant wanes her to come in. i ask her have you been here before? she says no. i say wth? she just told me to go away, and you to go in????
dumfounded we both go in.... the attendant says to me
"i'm sorry, i thought you were a guy, cuz of your hair."
welcome to my world my friends --
my hair looked really good and my family said i did NOT look like a dude.
the night was the best i have had in a long time - and as far as birthdays? THE BEST in literally years.
thanks all of you for FB b-day wishes - and phone calls, texts and all that jazz -- i love my peeps
happy day to all of you !
oh - ps --- i just sold my kids car to a junk yard for 300.00 woooooot !!! blown head gasket.
i think i should start dating murphy. what do you think?
ok - so - i just left my sisters blog. she decided it was time for her to 'dis Taurus's. she recently realized that most of her loved ones have the sign of Taurus. and that we are all assholes :)) - yes, i happen to be a Taurus. as if you hadn't noticed. HA!
well anyhow, she had told a story of my 19th birthday. one of which happens to be a very memorable one for me, due to the the fact that i am a person who happens to remember times when i hurt or screw people over - more than when i do good things, or have good times. yes i know. that is a horrible way to be. but that's just the way things are. SO. when i read that portion of her blog - what do you think i did? i said - oh contrair mofrair - aside from my negative mind. i have photo evidence !
and here it IS - but first - you must obviously read her version first - then my version - to understand the full story - right? so - i reckon i should copy hers - HERE:
////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
by smocha ---
Picture it
...the olden days.....I think I was 23 years old.
My dear little sister, Soul, was turning 19 years old.
I take 3 babies and walk my fat self to the store to buy the stuff to
make her a cake. One walking, one tripping over his own feet ,every few seconds
and me carrying one 30 pound baby, the whole way.
I get home, whip up the cake and wait for my precious to get home.
Miss Priss arrives home and does not even EAT any of the cake! "Uh, sorry,
I have plans with my friends."
Oh I should have learned my lesson back then.
Note to self: Never make a surprise cake for a Taurus EVER
again.
Question to self: Why are the most significant people in my life ALL
Taurus's? I must be a glutton for punishment.
this is how it went while she was walking with her babies and baking my cake -- that to this day remains special in my mind ! hence the 30 somethin year old photo that is still in great shape for being and instant kodak pic -
ok- i was just turning 19 = obviously - 19th birthday --
i was taking some classes at a local - poor people organization thing... i actually got paid to go to school! my instructor had bought a cake and the class participated in a b-day thing for me. i thought that was cool, and i got to take what was left of that cake home. of course my sis was like oh bummer - i went through all this and this brat comes home braggin about a store bought cake! - bitch.
this is before i knew anything about HER cake.
a little bit later she says you wanna have your cake -- yes i DID insert foot into very large - young - mouth - i said -- "the good one?'
UGH - to this day i remember it like it was yesterday -- the good one -- shame oh shame on me -
cuz just for the hell of it i just did. a couple from like '09. man i had some crazy stuffs to say back then. where did my funny go? y'all should wander down memory lane. there's just some crazy shit back there. even in the rough spots. i could be pretty funny. i should write more.
see ya later-
just wanted to say hi.
i don't wanna get in a slump again.. so i'll check in more- and see if i can just happen to get more regular at actually writing .
anyhow- happy tuesday peeps-
i hope ya know - this new format really sucks ! am i the only one who hates it? i can't even get a photo up what's up with that?
and where's the little box at the bottom to write the stupid last whatever -- like category? - but i just say somethin stupid there.
howdy peeps! yep i still live and breathe. don't be offended by my absence - it is certainly nothing personal. against anybody. there are a few - very few - again, don't be offended - that may actually have some inkling of why i haven't "been around ." the rest of you , well, i just haven't got a phone call from i reckon. because this - or rather these aren't your regular ole soul happenings that have kept me 'busy. errr, away lately. but - it hasn't been all bad -- let's say "it's all good" , - now.
if you've left messages on face book or even here, i only may have seen or replied to them. i almost never go on face book. if you see me there it is prolly related to ' words with friends' in some way and maybe i'm not payin attention to much else. so please don't take it as a personal thing.
i don't really want to go into much detail about my latest 'happening'. there really was a lot more involved than just one 'thing'. but it really seems that everything else all started and stopped and began again, with this one 'incident. and it's difficult to not associate things to or with it as the center of things.
goodness - yes, this is a difficult post to write. --- i'm trying to remember what my sister calls these posts. oh yeh , "stealth posts.". when i try not to reveal too much information, but still let ya know kinda what's goin on. well, obviously, that tactic fails. epically.
so. what am i supposed to do about that little issue? hmmmm.
let's just say this much .
it was a dark and stormy night... it was also March 25th, 2012. just a few weeks back. i have to say that out of the many many 'bad days ' that y'all have read on these pages - or heard from me in whatever manner ? this day, and into the night and early morning - was honestly one of the top five worst bad days of my entire life. y'all know i have had a shit ton of bad days too. right?
well. so much led up to this day, and what followed was a lot of amend making, a lot of dr appointments, fear of shoulder surgery - relief when i found out i didn't need it :)) - and gradually days got better, and i found out people still loved me :)) phew. bones heal, but hearts are so very fragile.
the bottom line girls and boys? i had a hurt heart - i was on an anti depressant that didn't work for me, and i didn't know what was goin on. for months i was rapidly declining into a pit of hell, and on March 25th, which was my first born (son's) funeral anniversary # 23 , i had a breakdown. i simply fell apart. and when something like that happens, on top of bein in 'Addison's crisis, and run down, and tired through and through, the human body just can't handle it all.
so, i stood up to get out of the bath tub, and when i began to fall down - :)) - this is real peeps - i was ther - i reached for the towel bar -- and yup, you guessed it ... it fell right off the wall , and i went with it !
Face first , i crashed onto the back of the tub ! CRASH ! The next thing i knew soulman - poor soulman, still on a knee scooter, was next to the tub - having no idea what happened to me! blood coming from my mouth, just having been knocked out for no one knows how long, BAH! he couldn't put any weight on his leg - he was calling 9-1-1, before i could even begin to realize what had just happened.
the next thing i knew there were 4-5 EMT's in my bathroom! ugh... i will be getting a boob job very soon. nothing in the world could be less flattering lemmee tell ya !
i had a concussion for over two weeks, the ER scanned my head - checking for fractures etc - i had to get my shoulder/ arm x-rayed then later CT'd - then referred to a surgeon because i couldn't move it at all for two weeks actually longer - more like up until about 5 days ago. i had to see my dentist for x rays - the ER said i had a dental fracture - the dentist didn't find it- but said my front three - tooth bridge was a little loose - he will check that later down the road.
it isn't a very good feelin when ya read your medical report weeks away from bein 46 years old to see "fall risk". not good at all. nope . in fact just an hour or two ago, i signed an estimate for grab rails (safety rails) for my bathrooms!
wooh it just gets better and better baby!
but seriously -- it does.... doin fine out here-
things are gettin better. meds are workin, and the devil one that sent me on the downward spiral to hell, is now on my allergy list - that med also caused the addisons crisis-- it is noted on its warning label!!! how insane is that??? anyone else smell a lawsuit??? too bad i don't do that
I'm in! Blogger was weird yesterday, i couln't get in while trying to log in, of course i thought it was my senile. Luckily after i found my password this morning, it wasn't me this time! Ha! So here i am. I'm supposed to answer a question, asked by on, or anyone, on wednesday. The only question i have is one that i got a week, or twoago... And now i don't know where to find it.. That one is on me. I am senile :((
Gotta get that figured out real quick... K, i got it ... Thank god for text messaging :))
Who taught you how to cook,
..... I more or less taught myself to cook. There were three kids, me brother, my sis, and me, in that birth order.. Our mom was gone a lot and we were alone to fendvfor ourselves from a young age. It seems there was food in the house much of the time, but it was minimal, and not easy for kids to just grab and eat. We had to get creative .. Or starve.
So it really was 'do or die' i was the youngest they were teenagers, schedules were different. We did what we could for or with each other. I just remember cooking a lot more often. I also remember corn flakes with water yum!
What's the most wonderful creation you do well,
These days, over the passed three years or so i barely cook at all anymore.. Unless hubby or daughter is sick. They have become the master chefs around here as my pain level worsens. But before that... I loved cooking. It lived in me, i have never used a cook book in my life! The only recipe i ever need is for baking, the dessert gene skipped me. For the most part, i simply do not bake.
I think my family fave has to be, My chili- verde . That is what is requested the most, even when someone visits.
Hubby n daughter think myntacos are the best too. No idea why or how they are different, but they love em.
As "the cook" i can't pick the best" i just know that everyone likes whatever i cook.
I,m not bragging.. Especially since i don't even cook really. But i do eat what i cook too, and it really is good food.
What was your worst cooking disaster,
Hmmmmm.... MY KITCHEN !!! BAH !
This would have to be the time i forgot about my boiling macaroni - for mac- n - cheese, and i was packing to move. I forgot about it. By the timebi remembered... ALL the water had boiled away andvthe macarini was standing on end!
Yup.. Like little soldiers with black boots! :))
Ok.. I gotta roll on .. Kid has dantal follow uo, and must renew her drivers licence that expiredbon her birthday.. Oops 3/9, bad mom... No, busy mom.
If i wasbrich they would say i had ' exhaustion' but i'm only over- tired i guess.
At least until i collapse. That was comin yesterday i think, but i had to tell my patients.. What arebyall gonna do when somethin happens to ME? I need to rest too. Really, i was , well, exhausted.
Time to get back to it..
Happy humpday
there is a storma comin ! high winds all day , and the thunder just hit -- so i aint stayin here very long. yikes! that was a big one.
anyhow lots of folks have been askin bout hubby- thanks for that. he is doin a lot better than he did after the first surgery-- he had his first follow up with the doc today -- here is what we saw when she unwrapped him ---
sexy eh?
it's healing nicely but it hurts like hell.
obviously he is on pain meds, but he has been able to lower the dose over the last couple days.
here is his new ride, as he can put NO weight on his foot for several more weeks .
he doesn't mind too much - crutches hurt him
ok folks i gotta get offa heah -- storm is bad already --
Hey folks, i just wanna say thanks to you peoples who've been checkin in, emailing, and calling, and such. I am really doin ok. Better than even i thought i was doing. I'm doin great! I didn't realize that until today til i talked to my really close friend on the phone and she made it clear to me that i am doin better than i knew. I love her for that - and so much more!!!
I have other friends that make me aware of things i don'tbsee too.. And it helps so much!,
A shit ton more than the folks that have comments that bring me don,thinking tey are comedians etc. orbthinking teir sense of humor is 'the way to go'... I have warped sense of humourvtoo.. And it has a way ofkeping me alive at times too. But there are timestoo, that i need a true friendtonunderstand when life is serious.... And y'all that have recently stepped up and taken the time to take things seriosly - i love ya for that. ! Now and always!!!!
Somehow this text got all screwedbup... If you can decipher it, perfect! If not? Sorry.. I can't either :((
I'll only whine for a sec this time. It's the , well, time. It's 4:25 AM. I have not been to sleep, nor do i have the need or opportunity to do so - at the moment. I can't believe how screwed up my sleep/ non sleep schedule has been this passed week. But i do understand why it has been so impossible, and it hasn't killed me yet, so i reckon it won't.
The only problem about not sleepin last night? Is that i have to take soulman to surgery @ about 530 to be there at 6:00 AM. Not really a big deal. I plan to sit in my car once they take him back , and dont need me anymore. That's what i did last time, and they called me when he woke up.
Other than that, neither of us are too nervous about things anymore. We've had time to talk to docs, get things all set up, get a better idea of the procedure .. All that mumbo jumbo. Sounds worsevthan the first time as far as the actually surgery.. It will involve a titanium plate on the bottom of his foot, shaving off parts of bone, cutting a large tendon, and a much longer recover period.
But - we are more prepared to explain the issues he had with the anestiologist- side effects, how to hopefully prevent or lessen them etc.
And he went back to work too soon last time- that wont happen this time.
God- i felt bad last time for him, he really had a rough couple months. Less worry this time, but, yup..i think we are pretty much more prepared fore before and after.
Ha! And as for my last few posts... Ummmm, i best get the coffee started fro this one... BRB :))
Does anything smell better than fresh brewing coffee? Not to me. They need coffee incence if ya ask me. Do they have it? I gotta find out!
So, anyhow, first, i must say thanks for all the great comments y'all left! They were all so from the heart, and they all meant the world to me. Please never think a word you say goes unnoticed by me! If i don't reply, it's prolly just cuz i don't know what to say... I bet y'all feel that way here too sometimes. I really feel bad when i do that to you. But honestly, ya gotta know by now- i just ,think, and my fingers do the rest!
I know it isn't easy sometimes for you - guess not for me either - but as my buddy 'paxie' put it, 'cathartic' fits rather nicely.
There really is a lot of 'stuff' goin on round here ... For a long while. It piles up, and i play tough, acting like it's all good, and nothing bothers me. Well eventuall, it gets to be too much for me. This time of year - there is a single thing that sends me in a tailspin all on its own. This year there's three things for every one i mentioned. So yeh. Any one 'normal' person would have a tough time, but i think writing it out here, and knowing many of y'all are still here, and rootin for me- made a world of difference!
I ate a few good meals, and aside from last night - maybe one other tossed in there ???? My sleep was improving, food, and sleep is pretty important for me and when that gets out of whack, my mood goes to hell too.
So i been workin on that. Last night, i think i was just worried if i went to sleep, i wouldnt get up on time. So even with my, put a horse down, bed time meds failed me and i just couldn'd sleep. I reckon i shall nap with hubby while he sleeps off his knock out drugs later.
As for the va appts and implants i mentioned for myself? Just the consult is on the 28th of march... It could be months before i know a thing about a thing there.
So - i apologize for bein a crybaby. It's really a lot to carry 'on my own'.
The hardest part is 'feeling' alone in all of it. I just feel like i can't or shouldn't talk about my stuff.. It doesn't ever go well.
I feel like i can't be sick or have problems. I'm supposed to be the strong one. I always have been. All the way back to when i was a kid. People don't handle it well, when 'i can't'
So. I CAN. And, I AM. No matter what it takes, or how long.
I want to stop. I want the crap, and the pain, in and out to stop, but that just isn't gonna happen on it's own. It may not happen at all. But i do have options. They are new, they are scary.. It is my job to research, and do what i can to make new and better things happen in my life!
Thank you all for reminding me of that!!!
Ps- i will be available for words with friends or other time consuming stuffs this mornin... If any of you have time
Bbl - with a cooking question post - as per joz :)) you can always count on soul sis to inspire me eh?
mornin, sorta. how are ya doin out there /? i hope to God that the majority of you are sleepin peacefully, at the moment.
as for me - ? second day in a row , that i'm wide awake at this time. if not earlier. fun fun fun. sleep is my new hate.
(almost done - it's now 7:59 - i reckon most of you are up now, geesh i'm slow)
well, non-sleep i should i say. sure there's a couple reasons why i can't sleep. but either way - it sucks. and it's hard to get back on track. reason one - was the girls birthday. her big 18! after the food and festivities , at home, we we went to the movies to see 'the Lorax'. her boy friend came along, and she - we- had a god time. after that we went down to a place in the mall so she could say hi to her best friend - since 7-th 0r 8th grade, just to say hello-. (at her job) -minutes before we get over there - soulkis, 'tells' us - that the two of them will be going to 'denton' after her friend gets off work.
ummm.. hello? you just decided to spring this on us that your goin 30 minutes in each direction out the sticks in texas - after midnight - for three or four hours -- you two girls - alone? and you expect no reaction from us? hmmm. obviously turning 18 means more to you than us. we were not happy. we were in fact a little a trapped in a way. her car is broken down -- since a couple months. the jeep hasn't been safe to dive - or passed inspection/registration.. since we've bought it. what other choice does she have but to drive one of ours? mainly mine. but how are we sposed to pull the you don't have a car - card on her- when it isn't her fault that the car hasn't been fixed? i have tried everything i knew how - to get it fixed. to no avail. i can't fix cars by myself anymore . i used to be good at it. just turned into somethin my mind and and body doesn't allow me to do anymore. i've offered up the credit card ! against everything i believe in these days -- hubby just couldn't get it together. not enough to get it done. we did get a tow-truck out here week or so ago to get it towed and fixed- the tow guy got it started - so hubby knew for sure he'd get it runnin with spark plugs and wires -- did it happen? ha ! in our world? hell no. so - in the passed months - my lil car with 6000 miles has now racked up to 10000 miles + stains. ' can't have nuthin! i am highly upset - but it is safer for her than dad's truck.
so anyhow -- after some discussion with soulman - and his unnecessary roughness - Friday night we let the go - no good reason not to. but not without suffering major sleep deprivation . i didn't take any sleep meds that night - it wasn't that bad for me -- without meds - i could stay up for for days. hubby took his toll tho. it was rough - we're old.
anyhow - yesterday even with a day between - was rough having gone with sleep -- i was up til at least 6 am. i remember recording charlie brown around 5 am. and still up watching the news at 6 ish. no tellin when i actually fell asleep - i think maybe 7 ish, then up around noon. can we say soul- bah-itch.? all day yesterday - not to mention an emotional mess.
i strolled out of my room - at noon, after 3. maybe 4 hours of sleep- not uninterrupted i might add. in search of coffee -- coffee, pain meds, and a quick hello to the fam, and soulkid 2 who had spent the night. --that was all i wanted out of my early day life. all i wanted - then a silent retreat alone in my room for for a while. just to collect my thoughts, and get myself together.
BUT what was i greeted with very first thing, instead? soulkid wanted me to take her to the mall. before my eyes were even half open. i couldn't do it - i couldn't think about - i couldn't even discuss it. i got my coffee - went to my room, and said we would have to talk about it later. lucky for me she actually understood and allowed me to put all that off til today. insert sigh of relief - right here.
it also looks like we may make a family day of it too. i hope it;s a nice- calm one. my stress level is out the window lately !
so that next few hours went ok. folks kinda left me alone for the most part. i needed that.
the day escaped me. the fam kept trying to get me to eat -- i have pretty much zero appetite lately. i understand they worry - but i wish they wouldn't. then later- they began to harass -- literally harrass me about me smoking cigs and stopping smoking. there is never a good time for that. i have had several docs tell me -- you really need to quit smoking - but seriously 'now' isn't a good time for you -- your stress level is too high.
i try to explain that to them.. they call dr's retarded. and keep pressuring me. face it folks. i have tried to quit - many times- many ways -- even to the point of cracking up to an extreme extant on chantix. ever since then - i have an even more significant fear - of how far i am willing to go -- i have smoked longer than half my life. it is my only constant - my only - only.. that i can trust.
people just need to leave me alone about it. seriously.
i have a very large load on my back right now and i have for many months. years even. i don't only carry my own load- i carry their loads- i carry loads of many others whom i care about. i worry about and for folks that i don't even communicate with anymore -- but i still miss them, and have a hole in my heart for what we we lost. even now, a few down the road i don't know what happened in some of these situations.. i try my best to limit the importance of many of my own issues - and these issues that confuse me. i take blame where i know blame isn't on me. but i accept it as it were on me.
i hide my fear, and i hide what i feel as if it were shame - but it is merely pain. it only feels shameful, because it is so misunderstood, and not wanted to be listened to or heard - or left behind.
i am diagnosed as PTSD- SHUT IN. (housbound/ agoraphobic). bi-polar. major depressive. - and maaany more-that results with the pain issues.
that is all so hard to swallow, as a person. especially a person like me. . afraid of people - terrified of new people - new relationships. crowds. but i am willing. i just have a problem with letting go in the area of my mobility. a scooter? a walker/chair?, a knee scooter?, a wheel chair? worse of all- maybe - a chair lift in my home?
the pain and fear of it - stops me in my tracks. i wake up in pain - that would put folks on a trip to ER. me? too stubborn. i don't know - even all these years of feeling it daily -- it's just normal to me. and apparently my family too. i sleep too much.. i sleep too little..i don't eat for days,i eat too much- or not good stuff- i cry for the pain -- i cry for 'no reason at all'- normal, just go rest - it'll pass.
if it is or were one of them... i wouldn't ask if they wanted to go to the hospital.. i would take em or call an ambulance.
are they in denial? am i stubborn? am i in denial? do i just don't care? are my dr's retarded?
do ya wanna wanna know the next steps in my 'pain treatment?'
it's called 'spinal cord stimulation' - it is an internal electronic stimulator - placed inside your / my spine (wires) into your spine/ and a controller / battery thing - placed under the skin near my hip.
it sounds promising. also it sounds a bit unsettling- wires. electronic boxes in my body. ever think of a bath? WTF. the 'safety is a concern - as is the effectiveness - but i will try any damn thing at this point.
check out the video tho -- it really doesn't sound so bad --
and i have made a consult appt at the dallas VA - to see if i can get in with the spine clinic there -- maybe to save some cash - i have benefits there for service connected disability. i will also be trying to get my pain meds prescribed from there -- they would be free of charge from va - due to the service connection. for several years i have been paying out of pocket for meds and my pain dr, along with all the shots and rhizotomy's and mri's and all that stuff. i just can't afford it anymore. so either i go cold cold turkey and call it all quits. or i give VA a try .
i cannot afford the pain doctor anymore. it may be the biggest mistake ever to lose my pain doctor-- the best and only that i have ever had -- i fought for several years to find a doc who would treat me like a human who was truly in pain, and not drug seeking. someoe who ran tests, found diagnoses, and has for years understood and tried to help me. i just can't pay out of pocket all these thousands of dollars anymore for temporary relief. and 40.00 a month just to be 'looked at' before a new rx .
so i hope to hell- that the VA will give me the same meds and quality of care -- or better. on my benefits - and not out of pocket. yeh - pray for that folks. cuz i really i need that outcome.
i swear we're gonna be facing bankruptcy with all the freakin med bills over these last few, and coming years without it. so not something i want to think about - but it has crossed my mind -- among so many other things.
with soulkid turning 18, not only ave we lost her med insurance - she has been dropped as a dependent from my disability money -- a large chunk that we have depended on for several years. as of April - things are gonna be much less
comfortable.. but we will survive. it's jsut that medical is the first, and unfortunately the very important peice of of ur budget.
then-- while i was researching this thing -- i came across something else that caught my interest. i haven't mentioned it to anyone else -- don't you feel special? it's made for 'med intolerant depression. ' y'all know i face many times in my life that i no matter what i do - what i try- nothing helps, and i just marinate in severe misery .. sometimes for months on end with no relief. i know a lot of you ave no idea why or what it means - or why I can't just move on. i hope you know that i have no control over this- o matter how hard i try. that would be due to my several mental, emotional, psyche issues.
many years ago i talked my shrinkin an attempt at shock therapy on me - because nothing was helping me at that time- i was in-patient psyce - for a weeks by that time- but .- she wasn't ready to take that step then. i don't know if she's ready now. i was , and have been on every single anti depressant- anti psychotic- every mood stabilizer/ which are normally anti seizure meds- - name it- i've been on it - and it eventually fails, and we start over. some of the side effects of these meds have been hell. or worse for me. some have been a God-send - until they contributed to admission, seizure - or worse.
so- recently- i found i found this - also an implant - but - it is in the brain. yup- scary- and something - that don't plan to discuss with the fam. unless or until it is approved. but it is shown to help med resistant depression. and even lower the need for medication - or at least the amount of - etc. i will discuss this at VA as well, when i go on 3-28.
the main prerequisite is that the patient must have failed only 2-4 medication failures -- i have failed them all. i would be an idiot to no not attempt this. it seems much less scary to me than shock therapy. and much more successful.
a week or two - just before i heard of this implant -- i was seriously considering long term in patient Psyche treatment --- 6-9 months of it. N O- i didn't talk to anyone about it. who the hell would i talk to about it? but i have an every year bout with terrible depression... some years are better than others - but many - like this one -- simply awful for me -- september - to currently. i know partly why that is - and part of it has been goin on annually for - close to 24 years. this year i i tried so hard to talk about how bad it was for me. i talked about 'triggers- as they happened- i did things i never tried before - to help myself - and be understood. but i won't go further than that. except to say - i shoulda kept my mouth shut.
but hey take a look at this -- again -- it just may be the miracle that i have been searching for-- for years.
ok - ready for my newest sad? among the many. yesterday, i began thinking of my soul-retreat. the little motel in boles arkansas - or Y-city. i have been wanting to go out there for a while lately. even tho it isn't even close to a reality through all the soul fam happenings , up comings, and financial situation at the moment. not to mention me needing to be here for soulman post op- ext week. anyhow-- my heart is hurting right now for the reason, that my son Patrick -- 10-25-88 to 3-19-89 -- who is buried near my soul retreat obviously 3.19 is right around the corner-- and with so damn much on my mind - etc -- i just thought some time away - to my special place would be good for me. so last night i tried to call. i have Patrick there - and also jacob. it's been two years since i was out there last . and it ended with hurt feelings - i learned that - my stealth visits - should have - and would continue to stay stealth. because it was only MY soul that lived there. soulkid came that time for the first time - i believe she understood it - and she appreciated her first visit to her brothers cemetery . i do intend to take her back another time - but 'this' time - whenever i thought i could get there - would be just me .. again.
to my tearful sadness... almost to a point of grieving = even crying when i woke up- at about 3 am.. it's gone. just gone. it's a run down. not remodeled like i was told it would be the last time i was there. i reckon i should just pick my jaw off the ground and find out if i can get a hold of the folks who own it -- i can find no way to contact them -- but i will. maybe they will sell me one of the cabins by the creek? or a lot? to leave a camper on? or i should find a 'something ' for a place to go or stay - next time it's available for me to go. another soul-haven. it will never hold what that place holds for me.
i've been there with my fam before i lost my babies - i've been there with my soulfam - when soulkid was just six months oldi was there for patricks funeral - as was my moms side of the family = and my DAD - i feel like i lost a friend or family member -- i don't know what else to say about it.
except that my last memory of my last visit -- was not good. some was. but most - some folks found it entertaining to criticize the entire place. and that is so in the way right now of the so many good and beautiful memories i have of that place.
'she saw it this way-
.
i will forever see it this way -
i guess one persons 'trash bag ' is another mans treasure'. fo- shizzle. i feel like my house burned down. no other way to describe it.
but i will anyhow. for two reasons. 1 = cuz i said i would on face book. and the response was that y'all want me to. and 2 = i usually do what y'all want me to. :)) nah - well, i do write when ya want me to, to check in, or whatever. this time, i am gonna write , cuz i need to, cuz ya want me too and cuz it's just time . i don't want my blog to go stale - again. the thing is -- about writing now - at this moment - or even - this period of time.. is i am still a 'soul-mess'. i can't keep up with things going on around - or to me. i know all the quotes, and affirmations. i do. i attempt to use them, and i end up abusing them. i feel weak at times feeling that i don't know how to apply them in my life anymore.
this is becoming to bore me to death ! WTH am i even saying?
this is THE worst part of this blog anymore. i thought it was me - well, it is me, obviously. over whatever period of time, i have begun to not let myself be the me y'all used to know. the spit it all out here and y'all decide how you would deal with it. now - i hold too much back. i try to too much to myself, yet still try to have you understand things. i know that will never work. i reckon that's why i don't write as often as i did before. cuz if i don't share honestly here - it only leaves bullshit on these pages i guess.
-- THE VIDEO AT THE BOTTOM WAS SUPPOSED TO BE HERE )
:((
i can't do that anymore. i have thought of not blogging- decided i didn't want to stop. so i pop in now and again - with hopefully just the good parts. i hope it's working out for y'all. but it isn't doin me any good.
i still have a pretty much non existent world, inside four walls. my main focus remains on the soulman and the soulkid. both of whom have big things happenin in their worlds.
soulkid - for instance - the big plan around here for some time was to get her to Austin later this month to audition for X-Factor.
soulkid and soulman 2011 X-FACTOR
we decided that i would take her down there since soulman was facing foot surgery again - and didn't want to use any vacation time if he didn't need to. my fear (s)? pain. embarrassing her. 101 real or imagined emotional, mental, and physical, fears, and stressors. but mainly real. any several arguments and hurtful comments arose from the thing. before it even came to pass. first, we decided we would all 3 go - but-finally it came to a family consensus, that her dad would take her with only him. it would be less stressful for everyone. but mainly soulkid and of course she was the most important in this whole matter.
in the meantime -- there is also talk of
summer vaction - cha-ching! (July -orlando and jacksonville )
and -
soulkids prom/prom-dress- chac-hing! - ( april sumthin)
THIS ONE? WHO KNOWS?
soulkids 4 wisdom teeth comin out - cha cha ching! 2/27
she can hate me - that pic cost 800.00 :))
THEN --- two or three days ago soulkid says --- "i don't want to audition for X-FACTOR !!! WHAT?!
nope, i want an upright bass instead, with that money. ok fine. been there - done that - it's all about TV. i don't need to do it again."
which -- to be honest, i think is a better idea, in the long run... but could i have lived a much more solace many weeks without all the negativity that came along with planning, rescheduling, and feeling like the the most useless mom in the world? uhhh that would be a hell yah.
soulkids 18th birthday - cha- ching ! 3/9 - we won't go there - but it's a healthy chunk with a bass
can y'all believe it? she's 18 !
and it was a really good day for all - especially her - and that's what matters most !
soulmans foot surgery - cha-ching! 3/14
can we say MF'N OWIEEEE
this one round one - 11-2011
who cares the cost- just fix it ! right?
so -- let's go on to the soulman and his foot surgery. want a sample? as if the first time wasn't bad enough. it was torture for him. i'm a good nurse. i think i am a real good mind reading nurse.
except for the night two days after his surgery when he was supposed to be NO weight baring - and got up to declare war on the dishwasher- and in the long run - caused his foot more problems than good.
i would have been more than willing to get him a glass of water that night - instead - between sushi and the dishwasher -- the pin in his toe - was bent way deep in his foot - when he bumped it on the dishwasher -- all the guy wanted was a drink of water.
his new surgery is scheduled WEDNESDAY 3-14 ! scary as hell. and not just a couple weeks of no weight baring -- guess how many? as many as EIGHT WEEKS ! yeh that's worst case scenrio... but he's a big guy - if it's gonna heal right this time - he better follow dr's orders this time. if she says OFF your feet- he better stay the hell of that foot ! oh ? best case? maybe 4 weeks off his foot - more like 6.. worst could be 8 weeks.. on crutches!
we have seen this comin for a few months - but it just got kinda in your face scheduled on i think wednesday? just a few days ago. not only did he have probs with his foot last time -- he was terribly ill for 3-4 days from the anesthesia alone. he was puking and couldn't breathe - it was scary. and it was very bad for him.. for weeks. he had so many problems with pain and swelling. i felt horrible for him. and there wasn't really anything I could do.
more cha - chinging?
paying off my january back surgery - cha-ching 3/6
fixing soulkids car - cha ching!
fixing 'the jeep ' cha ching
smog testing/registering both of those ugh
selling one of them kill me
--- but no vehicle can be fixed, or dealt with --- until soulman has recovered from his foot surgery --- so all the vehicle crap is stalled for - forever. i took them off the insurance yesterday.
and ya know what? i don't even wanna add my cry babiness anymore -- i'll save that part for tomorrow- if ya want - but it made me cry. seems that i cry more than i care to admit lately... but - less than i was for a while.
i so love Lucy! i think i just realized that's where i got my "whaaaa" from. is her tv show. she was always screwin something up, and whining for bein misunderstood. poor Lucy. she was always hysterically funny though. she reminds me to try to find humor in all of my misery. i try. things have tough for me around here for a while. i won't drag y'all through the details -- you all know how drawn out i can get at times - and really not get to the point. i don't want to do that again. or at least not right now. but i will say this much -- it hasn't been easy for me these passed many months to keep 'things' in check. but i have managed, and i do believe that that i have one more hurdle to overcome - and i should be 'ok' for a long while again. even better - is my guess.
we've had warmer than normal winter months here in texas and it has been a blessing for my cold intolerant self. it has surely helped a lot in not letting me go off the edge. that and whatever else is goin in my favor.
i know y'all have helped me a ton -- a ton or two, i should say. just knowing y'all are out there - and can reach out to you when i need to . that and finding a hello here from ya just at the right time -- life saving. i even am seeing new faces here and there, and that makes me smile. you all do. :))
guess i just wanted to say that --
well that - and to let ya know that soulkid is recovering fine from her teeth pulling ordeal. she had a real tough time though. the bottom ones were badly impacted, and they had to cut through a lot of bone to get em out. she got real sick for the second day - i had to take her back to be checked out, and get some fenergan, and pain meds. tonight was her first time to eat real solid food. she was pretty happy to have something other than soup or ice cream to eat! she had cheese pizza !
soulman was out of town for the first four days of her surgery and post op. it was hard for her to not have her daddy - also for me to not have any help with her. she's a tough patient when she's bed-ridden. but we managed. she even went on a job interview this afternoon! she was hired -- but guess what? she turned the job down, because they wanted her to start on her birthday ! bah !
anyhow -- that's about the rundown from here for now. things re lookin up. things are gettin done. i'm workin on myself, and my house. and tryin to get and keep in touch with y'all.
oh guess what = i went fishin today :)) it's a start
