well, that didn't last long

hiya folks---

just gonna check in real quick before bed-

if i woulda got on here half an hour ago like i planned? it woulda been much different. but, well, i got sidetracked. or perhaps that might be 'blind sided' -- in a way.
everything was goin great and WHAM! just outta the blue - bullshit came from nowhere. and i was the unsuspecting target. hmmmm. was i surprised? nah. but my good mood is in the shitter now, and i just wanna go to bed.

but-- as for the rest of the clan? here's the update-

hubby made it home safe and sound about two hours ago. he was thrilled to be home and not driving. he' dropped the boat off at storage on his way home a couple miles from here. i will see it tomorrow. i am lookin forward to it. and really, i can't wait to ride it-- and fish! but y'all know it will be a while before that happens-- number 1- it has got to have the engine from our boat put onto it. and number two-- it's just gotta get warmer before i get on a lake.

next? the daughter and i had gone to the grocery store before he got home- to get him a nice steak for his dinner, and some other stuff-- as we were once again out of everything. and i was 'forced' to let her drive us there. was i nervous? oh hell yeh. i was . she did real well on the way there. traffic was light , she had just got out of school, she was in a pretty good mood, and me? well, i wasn't feelin too bad. considering-- well, that i am just me.

so-- off we go. and honestly-- i was actually sorta relaxed-- a little. even told her "i could get used to this". i mean hell. just look at her. we were talkin, smilin, doin fine. no arguing. just cruisin along.



she did really good. and i was proud of her.

BUT-- OMFG-- the ride home? totally different story. she was fightin over the radio-- totally distracted. she nearly hit two cars. all i could do was pray, breathe, and TRY NOT to yell at her. i did not want to stress her out. she on the other hand? had NO problem yellin at me. none.
wth did I DO?
nuthin. i didn't do nuthin.
to nobody.

if i need an ass kickin-- someone just get it over with-- if it would put a stop to the dumb shit. this is flat out ridiculous. i really feel like a target is on my back. or maybe my forehead. i can't help it- that's just how it feel for me.
for nearly forty years.

some know why-- no where close to all of you. but even the ones who have a mere hint -- really have a fraction of the puzzle that is me.
but hey- don't feel bad-- i haven't even figured me out yet.
eegads.
am i crazy-- or am i sleep bloggin?
all i am sleep bloggin?

this is one a those nights i could simply 'go somewhere' -- know what i mean,

but as the saying goes--

i got no place to go

we do our runnin around , and get home , and started cleanin up the kitchen so she could cook dinner for her dad. it was somethin she really wanted to do for him, and you know i wasn't gonna argue with that. so i washed dishes, and she cooked. she also did a fine job on a great meal.

it was finished a little too early-- but he was famished when he got home-- we were pretty hungry too- so we all sat at the table to eat-- something we don't do very often. and it was nice. it wouldn't have been any better had we gone out to eat. in fact- we usually regret goin out-- and complain that we coulda cooked better, and spent less, etc. and that's true. but goin out to eat- or goin to the movies- seems to be our main forms of entertainment.
bleh.

so anyhow-- after dinner- we watched (DVR'd american idol).

see what i mean-- sounds like the perfect day, doesn't it?
even eevee was happy to be home-- and of course we were happy to have her back too.

but-- that's about when the shit hit the fan.
kid decides to argue with me -- over shopping-- y'all know it's my favorite thing in the world anyhow--
all i'm doin is trying to avoid confrontation -- for 15 minutes -- sweet child is yellin at me about where a certain store is-- and it's not where i say it is-- of course cuz she knows everything. and dear hubby is in lala land--- she's arguing-- i'm doing my best to make her stop-- or at least to understand that i'm so sick of buyin shit online that doesn't fit and never gets returned-- that it's go to the store-- or she doesn't get it. and it's got to the one i want to and know where it is-- not the one where she wants to go to -- which is further-- and in worse traffic--and people hell. how hard is it to accept that?????

so yeh-- she's goin on and on and on-- so much so-- i could go drive of a bridge by now. and she just won't stop !

i finally tell her-- just leave me alone or i aint buyin you shit!
yes i did. no it isn't child abuse.
if anything, what she was doing to me was adult abuse. i was about to have a damn panick attack....

and hubbby didn't say nuthin-- til i finally told her to basically-- shut up or else.

so-- maybe i over reacted? but i got mad, and then went off on him-- for rather than -- defending ME-- for the last 20 minutes while she consistently argued with me about taking her where she wanted and to buy her what she wanted-- all the while making me more and more upset-- and less and less likely to buy her a damn thing.
he tells ME to stop yelling?!!!

ooooooohhhhh. that doesn't work in my world. so now it was a total fiasco of bullshit. i was instantly pissed that he jumped to her defense after i had ONE comment in my own defense-- and he jumped to defend her-- when he remained silent while she yelled at me -- demanding her way as if she were veruca salt for the last 20 minutes.

and now-- she's upstairs-- he's in bed-- and guess where i am?
damn sure aint where i wanna be. i wanna be in bed too.
but -- nooo. even tho i took headache meds, bed meds, other bs meds-- after american idol-- with the full intent of goin to bed with my hubby today, at the same time, unlike most nights. the little nuclear fallout a while ago-- has left me somewhat frazzled and UP. so, here i sit-- in the livin room-- bloggin. perhaps-- i may soon be sleep bloggin. who knows. all i know is -
it doesn't take long for a good day to go bad. at least around this place.

run in place til i get back :))

i'll put a real post up later on i gotsta go do life stuff

so do things really come in 3's ?

a view from here :))

i think they must-- i even almost got this post started at 3:33. now THAT woulda been just a little too strange. of course, stranger things have happened - around here. we all know that, right?

so. here i was, after my previous post. 2nd for today-- well, technically 2nd for sunday-- but today is still sunday for me-- cuz i still haven't been to sleep yet.
however, that was my intent-- about an hour or so ago. i posted , then i read a little bit-- of all things? -- parts of a hand written journal i wrote-- in 2001-- in a psyche hospital. yeh i know-- i'm just askin for trouble aint i? erg.

strange thing tho? i have not looked at these 'notes' since then. i guess you could say i was 'afraid to'. maybe afraid to 'trigger' something. and cause a set back, or something.
but recently, i have had writing my stupid -- prolly never to be written book - on my mind again. so, i have been lookin at old journals, poems, blog entries, etc. to kinda see if i really wanna 'go there.
i think i can, and will get a start on it-- soon. i kind of have. mainly just jotting notes-- next to notes-- and editing some poems, etc. even writing a couple new ones.

so. anyhow-- sorry -- got off track a bit-- but , i know that doesn't surprise you.

anyhow- yeh, like i said earlier- i was startin to get tired-- finally, and actually, welcomingly-- i was ready to go lay down and hopefully grab a few hours of sleep.
so i looked over a few pages of these notes, and then i headed for bed. i had to make a lil pit stop on my way- if ya know what i mean.



when i got in the bathroom, i thought i might flippin die ! there were towels on the bathroom floor-- which really, wouldn't be a big deal-- except for the fact , that every last one of them, maybe 4 or 5--- were soaked..... i do mean soaked.... with pet urine. eevee is gone-- otherwise i woulda blamed her right off the bat-- there was soooo much pee, i couldn't believe it. from sushi- and two cats? how? mind you-- this was only done in maybe an hour or two. it was perfectly fine in there the last time i was in there.

but ya wanna know what really topped it off? aside from havin to pick up-- and touch all these towels, bathmats, and clothes-- soaked in smelly cat and dog pee???
the worst i think--- was when i had to clean up my own pee-- when -- yup-- you guessed it-- my fuckin toilet overflowed !!!! all the way overflowed!!!! i can only move so fast ya know. i do know how to turn the water off behind the toilet. i was 'old' when i got married. i had to do all the man stuff for many years. houses, cars, you name it-- it was my duty-- 9 times out of ten. and yes-- that included toilets. ugh.
anyhow--- i'm gonna be washin towels alll damn day tomorrow.
hubby picked a great time to go out of town.

oh, and do you think i had a plunger in MY bathroom? oh hell no-- of course not. where do ya think it was? yep-- up-the-fuckin-stairs. yippee. so up i go-- tired as hell, at 230 in the morning- to get the toilet plunger--- while my bathroom downstairs is flooded and soaked in pet urine soaked towels, mats and dirty laundry. ( which , at least by this time i had tossed into the bath-tub) gawd, it was the least i could do in my frantic attempt to not flood the house.



is anyone seeing the humor in this yet?
it really is ok if you are. cuz i did.
i think that's why it happened. and THANK God-- it was only pee.. all the way around.
you just can't tell me God doesn't have a sense of humor.
he knew i was on the verge of a flippin panic attack, and he was just tryin to lighten my load.
so- during my frenzy-- and bitch fit-- and yes-- i cussed-- more than once-- and even woke up my kid... she went back to sleep easily tho. it made me think of a few funnymoments-- that may not have been so funny at the time-- but they are now--

like the GET UP!!!! thing.
that was a horrible morning to top all horrible mornings. it involve gran gran-- and my sister-- and a night of drinking-- and a horrible wake up call, which involved an overflowing toilet-- and incessant demands for us to GET UP - uuuggghhhhh--- not a nice sound when you have a hangover-- a lingering drunk from the night before-- AND 'her ' voice "GET UP" over and over and over. OMG

then there was the time that my sis and i actually removed and replaced a toilet-and wax ring. for who else-- but the queen.. (gran gran) haha -- she's my mom in case you didn't know. but wow.
just wow.

she was worst than any drill Sargent who ever lived. or would that be 'better'?
you could never ever say i can't-- or i won't. she said jump-- you said how high.
and ya did your best to jump higher than she expected you to. always. and it was never good enough. for her.

i guess i could honestly say-- today-- that i gained a lot of strength from her.
i lost a lot of good that i should have had-- or should have now too-- but maybe it was a fair trade.
i think without her bein such a hard ass-- i wouldn't have half the fight i have in me now.

hell i don't know what to say anymore.
cept-- i fixed the toilet, all by myself. not a big deal for most, i know-- but if hubby was here? i woulda turned the water of of course-- but the kid woulda picked up the urine soaked towels-- and i would not have ventured up the stairs for the plunger-- nor would i have fixed the toilet.

well-- of course-- i most likely would have been asleep-- the animals wouldn't have been off kilter with stez and eevee gone and may not have pissed all over everything, and perhaps the entire situation would have been avoided-- who knows.

but-- aside from the fact that i am surely UP for the day? as messed up as it was-- at times... all in all? not a terrible day.

it could be if i let it be.
i'm just not gonnna let it go there.
tomorrow-- umm today is a new day.
(let's rejoice and be glad in it :))

that line always makes me smile-- maybe with a little sarcasm.. but it's true.

i know i'm gonna be one tiahd mamma today-- maybe i'll catch a nap after i take the kiddo to school-- she has an appointment this afternoon-- i sure don't wanna be fallin asleep drivin in rush hour.

i also need to let her drive today sometime. she got her permit last tuesday-- did i tell ya? she only missed 2 out of 30 questions. she rocks.

anyhow-- is anyone awake yet?
or still?
you know i am.

happy monday-
happy week-
laterz

still sunday -- for a while

hey there peeples-

so. who watched the super bowl? apparently it was a good game. from the little i heard about it. the saints are my bro in laws fave team. so i was happy to hear they won. i have never been a big-- or even a little - fan of the colts. so i was happy the saints won.
even tho-- i never really cared much for them either. at least my bro in law was happy.

anyhow-- even tho i guess i sounded pretty pitiful this morning when i wrote , the day didn't turn out to be a waste after all. i woulda been perfectly fine all snuggled up in front of the fire in my 'nekkid clothes' -- (that would be jammies, for those who don't know) all day havin my pity party.... but it didn't go that way.

nah. me and my child, decided that a movie would be in order-- then of course some shopping. and of course by that time-- it was time for food. so that's how we filled our day.

we saw 'dear john' at the theater. what a good movie. and of course here i am, all depressed and feelin sorry for myself-- for whatever reason. hellifiknow what has come over me this past week or so--- i of course cried. more than once. it was ok though, cuz my kid was cryin too. she's just a romantic tho... i expected she would cry. it's rare that i cry at movies like that. but it was a good story. and of course it made me miss my hubby. wth is goin on with me? we've been married forever-- i hate to admit this-- but i usually don't 'miss' him, anymore. not when it's for short periods of time. really i do better when i'm the one who leaves. with him leavin-- bein gone? i can't even get to sleep. y'all know, on a normal night-- i'd be long gone in dream land by now. this just sucks.

so anyhow-- after the movie, we walked the mall, of course. i knew it was comin. but i really didn't want to. i didn't want to walk. i didn't want to spend money . i was cold, and just ready to eat and go home. but--- i promised my shopaholic that she could get some stuff. she actually got some cool stuff. she found a leather jacket that even i like-- i might not wear it-- i don't like 'short' jackets-- but it is nice on her. and it was on sale - and quite the bargain for leather.
then we went to another store-- i was so freakin cold i couldn't stand it. my first stop was the clearance rack to look for a cheap on sale jacket for myself. y'all know i hardly ever buy me stuff. but i had to. i was literally shivering. wth is it with these places havin AC on in the frickin winter? are they crazy?
i ended up findin one i liked-- an orange -zip up- hoodie, at american eagle. i like orange- but i don't really own anything that is orange. soulkid said it looked good on me. i really like it-- and it was only like 17 bucks. score!
then she got a few more things--- until i finally had to put the brakes on the wallet.
haha remember when she called me 'the walking wallet?" that was funny. well, kinda.
so. that was that. and we headed out. i hadn't eaten anything all day- and was beginning to get a bit grouchy. ok-- bitchy. so we had to get food. we headed to ghengis grill first-- they were just closing-- at 5 pm-- for the superbowl. can you believe that? a business shuttin down to watch a football game. that is true dedication. my kid was in shock. "they can't do that!"--- i said they can if they own it-- they can do whatever they want.
so we ended up at RJ gators.
lots of fried fattening food-- and too much of it-- need i mention we had a doggie bag?
we shared a calamari-- i ended up with way too much food cuz it was the only way i could get clams-- she had a Caesar salad, and some of my shrimp.
we had a good day-- but we were both tired by that time- and just ready to go home.
when we did get home- we chilled on our own for a while- then watched a law and order svu-- then again, did our own thing for a little bit-- then i came to bed--- then she followed a while later.
she's asleep now- and here i am-- blabbin on about just stuff-- cuz like i said-- when hubbys away-- the wife's awake. bleh.
i have been sayin-- on facebook for two hours- that i was goin to bed-- well -- i did go to bed-- but i meant i was goin to sleep-- yet here i am. not sleepin. maybe on my way to sleep bloggin. but not sleepin.
i almost wanna just get back up and go drink some coffee-- i am a loud typer, and don't wanna bother my girl.
haha in fact just after i wrote that-- the kid said
"i can't sleep if your typing."
so-i guess i will get up for a while.

ok-- so. here i am -- i am now in the livin room.. cuppa joe and a smoke. the girl has school tomorrow, and needs her beauty rest ya know. so i decided to come out here for a while, so she can get to sleep, without the click click click of my keyboard.
i just can't go to sleep right now. meds and all-- just not helpin... bleh.
so. if i get weird on here-- haha-- as if that's not a frequent occurrence right? but if it happens-- just blow it off-- blame the xanax. or hell, just blame me. i think i'm headin of my nut again.

it's ok tho-- it's a time of year thing. it'll pass. eventually.

i hope. sometimes i wonder. i think if someday i'm gonna hit one of these 'times', and just not come back out of it. ya know? just flippin go totally of my rocker. it's not like i don't have a reason. that's what caused the addisons ya know. an entire life of stress, and loss. i have nuthin left to fight the stress-- literally. so when i get stressed out-- or depressed-- which seem to be my two main emotions in life--- my body attacks itself. it really really sucks ass i say.
and it sucks to have a disease that i don't know a whole lot about. and that what i do know-- is actually kind of scary. because it is so out of my control. sure i take meds for it-- but that only helps if a person is 'balanced'. we all know -- that's not me.

it's been proven that people really can die of a broken heart. well, i really think that PTSD on top of addisons -- is gonna be my "reaper". but do i fear the reaper? nah.

never have. of course i have survival instincts-- but hey-- i also want things to be better-- that will never be magically better 'here'.

but-- i reckon the good days still outweigh the bad days. cuz i am obviously still hangin around. through everything i've been through. put through. dragged through.
you get it. i don't stay down for long. i just don't. even when i want to.

*SIGH*

nevermind---- here's some hubby pix in florida from today--- he looks like he's havin a good day. have a look--







aaaaand here is a little something i came across to kill time earlier--

"the lazy bloggers post generator "

i did it just for fun-- you can find it here -- give it a try-- it's kinda fun---

http://www.aussiebloggers.com.au/blogpost.html

here's mine:

OMG! I just got slapped with a wet salmon - really - I have not updated this since you last visited... You would not believe the amount of people that are totally stalking me. Please don't abandon me!.

I am overwhelmed with discovering time doesn't stand still, hoping you haven't found other blogs, just generally being a terrible burden to anyone unfortunate to cross my path, my day pisses me off from the second I am woken by murderous Teletubbies to whenever. I am not growing up. as well you should know.

I will try to remember I promised you I will write something that makes sense soon. Until I need your shoulder to cry on. This is for my ever faithful, devoted public..

cheerio folks-

superbowl sunday -- yippee???

howdy peeps-

well, it looks like my hubby made it to our nephews' place in jacksonville a little while ago. he stopped in pensacola for the night last night- and went on through to jax this morning.

i wish my body wasn't so against me at times like this. i would have loved to go with him. i can barely make a round trip to dallas and home though, before my body turns against me and lays me out for the rest of the day.
i used to love to travel. driving was my favorite thing to do. i can't even guess how many arguments i've been in with people-- even my stez, over who 'got to ' drive.
now i do anything in my power to NOT drive. i don't even want to drive the three or four miles to the kids school. i really resent who i've become over the years.
i do.

so anyhow-- today is superbowl sunday-- number -- something. i don't even know. and i really don't care. i won't be watching the game. does that make me 'unamerican'? i hope not. it's just another 'thing' in life that i have lost interest in.
up until a couple years ago - it was a tradition, like that of most other folks in this country--- even overseas-- in the navy-- i remember we got the day off-- to watch the superbowl ! correct me if i'm wrong-- 1986 - giants and broncos. haha denver-- the team i love to hate.
we also had the day off to watch the superbowl-- at that very same duty station-- 1990- again-- denver -- ugh-- vs the 49ers.
denver lost both games hahahahahaha

but-- that was then- and this is now. no barbecue goin, no chicken wings- wingin. no chips and dip- no friends comin over- the tv isn't even turned on- and what's 'worse' -- i don't even know what time the game starts.

hubby isn't here -- so i won't even be makin snacks for him. or gettin ready to at least watch the 'commercials'. which is the only thing i watch anymore-- if at all.

man, life has changed so much.

i wonder so often what it would be like if i hadn't fallen on bad health.
would i still have 'gone mental'?
would i still be 'on the run' from sun up til sun-down?
would i still be the front runner-- rather than the one that everyone leaves behind?-- or has to wait for.

where would i be in life?
would i still be fixing airplanes?
maybe managing people who do?
i could be doing anything i want to do right now-- had things not turned the way they did. when they did.

but--- like they say--
everything happens for a reason.

today seems to be one of those days that i just wish i knew what the reason was-- so i could do something about it-- and maybe get on with my life.

i'm sick of holding people back.
i'm sick of being stagnant
i'm sick of being sick

with that-- i'll shut my cry baby pie hole-

happy sundays y'all

they're off, like a herd of turtles !

mornin y'all -

who's off? well that would be my hubby and his dog. they left about half an hour ago on their way to the sunny (i'm guessin ) state of florida, to pick up the new bubba boat.




it feels very strange for me. even though it's just a quick turnaround trip for him, it has been quite a while since we've been separated for any length of time. well, at least for him to go. the last time we spent more than a couple days apart was when i went to iowa to visit a friend for almost a week. why is it, that when YOU are the one on the going end that it just doesn't seem so 'weird'? or, maybe that's just me? i have always had an easier time leaving, than being left. but at least they're comin back.

bye stez and eevee :((
have fun, see ya when ya get home !

that just made me think of how when i do-- on the rare occasion -- go somewhere, by myself. he always tells me before i go :
"just promise me you'll come home"
i've always come home.... but he still says that.
it makes me feel bad. every time, and even now, just thinkin about it.
of course i know why he says that, and why he feels that 'someday' i may go and not come back. but when he 'goes', that thought never crosses my mind - for him.
of course i worry, that he may get in an accident or something- something out of his control might prevent him from coming back. but i always know; and believe, that nothing that he could control would keep him from coming home. ever.

so. that's what's on my mind in these wee hours. we got up at 4 a.m.
i had actually been lying awake for about half an hour, just waiting for his alarm to go off. i had a horrible headache, that had been lingering for the last two days. i was sweatin like a pig, and freezin to death at the same time. my back was in knots. and i could only lay there and hope that when we did get up -- i wouldn't be a horrid bitch to him. hahaha-- i wasn't. i was sweet as pie. really.
well-- ok, maybe not so much at first-- but once i took a shot for the headache, and a pill for the other pain, and poured some coffee down my gullet? hey we were good to go.

don't hate me cuz i'm a bitch. it passes. i'm so like the ocean tide. perhaps it's menopause? or, do ya actually wanna hear my latest 'theory' of my 'mystery diagnosis'??
yep, i'm at it again. i know i shouldn't do this-- and y'all do too. but actually, dr google isn't always the enemy. most of the time, yes. but sometimes i really do find answers.
so. here's the thing. i watched 'mystery diagnosis' a few nights ago. (did anyone see it? ) the lady with the disabling headaches, and so many other symptoms similar to mine?

well.. her diagnosis, after being treated like a mental patient for SIXTEEN years--- ?
she had an adrenal tumor.

now, some of you know that i was diagnosed with 'Addisons disease' several years ago.
with many many of 'her' same symptoms. anemia, weight loss, lethargy, depression..migraines-- mood swings-rages, the list goes on.
go ahead and google it-- i'll wait.

hubby was watchin this show with me and we were both just in awe of what this woman went through. it was 'my story'.
well.. for the most part-- we all know i have other problems that aren't related at all to addisons or a possible adrenal gland tumor. but the similarities, were more than too close for comfort.

so. we decided that my appointment for next tuesday with the endo-- nurse practitioner-- that i had scheduled-- i would change, and demand that i see the 'real' dr. that i have been supposed to be seeing for the last three years anyhow. (now i see him on thursday--with my hubby in tow)
if he can't - or won't test me, or answer these questions-- and see me from here on out-- not only will i find another dr. but i will also call my insurance company and report them. i am FED-UP.

this is the same endocrinologist (nurse practioner) that i went to-- unable to walk-- in a wheelchair-- IN (potentially fatal) addison's crisis-- and she sent me away-- to go to the emergency room. - which i didn't do-- i don't have that kinda money-- hubby took care of me at home, by rehydrating me and monitoring my BP.

i have been in adrenal crisis at least three or four times that i am aware of since i have been under her 'care'... and not once has she done anything to help me.
you know , without my hubby taking care of me at home during these times-- i would be dead. that is a fact. and this is what i pay them for?
not anymore.

have i mentioned the fact that i hate doctors????
i used to think that doctors hated me, and didn't care about me... now i have realized that they just have no idea what they are doing. none whatsoever.
eegads.

where did that rant come from? sorry.

i have too much stress-- i need a vacation.

i just wanna be normal-- i wanna go out to lunch

i wanna wear my vans, and shorts

i wanna go fishin

is that too much to ask?

i am so damn easy to please--- but i seem so unpleasable.
wth?




(anyhow-- there's an update- of sorts for yesterdays post in that comment box -- i really know very little - if anything at this point.)

and with that? i shall leave you, on what i hope to be a very happy day in your worlds today :))

me and my kid will find something to do. perhaps away from the cage-- i mean house :))

and by the way-- just so ya know-- if any bad guys think we are easy prey? you are very wrong-- wanna try me?

bwa hahahahaha

what is happening to our world?

hi folks--

i got my daughter home from school yesterday afternoon. and it was a rare occasion to have her dad home and chillin on the couch. he hadn't been home long, because he wasn't here when i left to get her-- usually on those occasions, that he is off in time to pick her up -- yeh you know it -- i talk him into pickin up the child. and he will. cuz he loves me, and he knows i hate to leave the house.

so anyhow--- when we got home , and he was here, we all had a little chat. sometimes we do this, but a lot of times, we kind of just do our own thing- until dinner time. then review our days over dinner.

so. the spawn :)) , was extremely chatty , and was goin on an on -- kinda like i do sometimes-- ok a lot of times.
she was jumping from one 'story' to another, and it was difficult to keep up.
not only for me- but hubby too. we were really listening intently though, because this was some serious stuff she was talking about. she was just having a hard time finding the words to express it all.

what she was telling us was something i have -- until that moment -- only heard on the news. and unfortunately, for some strange reason, way too often in recent weeks in our area where we live. ok-- not our area-- but the metroplex-- ya know?
so anyways.
not sure about hubby-- but my little shriveled mind could only grab so much of this conversation, before i had to stop her-- and make sure i was 'gettin it right'.
was i? not hardly. to break it down for y'all though? in short?

1- a kid had a gun at school.
2- he had a 'hit list ' with at least 5 names on it.
3- my kid knows a few of these kids- one is a very good friend of hers.
4- my 'understanding was that 'someone' turned this kid in for having the gun.
5- i was wrong. NO ONE said a thing.
6- no one was shot or hurt --- or arrested.
7- me and hubby were and are terrified.



this is how kids get killed. this is how columbine happened. no one took those kids seriously. there are a lot of 'if only's' in that story.

parents- teachers- students- , a lot of people may have changed that situation --
if only ---
one person would have taken those kids seriously when they said things. no matter how insignificant it may have been at the time.

look at the end result.

and Virginia tech too.
or fort hood for that matter.

there are signs-- whether they are silent, subtle , or blatantly in your face---

don't be that person who doesn't want to 'get involved'-- or the one who thinks 'it's just a joke' or it's just an empty threat.

we don't know if the kid is serious. we don't know if he really had a gun. we don't know if it was loaded.

but i will tell ya this.

i would rather have my child and those of other parents who don't even know about this - to have a chance of keeping their kids safe -- at school of all places.

so yes, i called. i told them what i knew--- but hell no -- i didn't mention my or my kids name. why add her to the 'hit list'.
she is also home with me today.
hubby told a lady at work about this earlier today --- she happens to know the principal.... obviously -- she is taking this seriously as well. her son attends the same school. she called the principal as soon as she heard.

it is no joke when kids have guns at school.

so what, if it turns out to be a rumor-- or a lie. kids do that-- they love drama.

but lives may be saved if it isn't. and your kid may be one of those lives.

pay attention when your kid is blabbin their head off-- you may miss somethin very important when you aren't listening to what their sayin.

stay safe today y'all

and have happy weekends-

you may need some coffee for this one-- maybe pee first too :))

howdy folks-- top o' the mornin to ya-

i'm still freezing-- just so ya know-
and this post is TWO days long- so get comfy :))

wednesday:

i don't have long to write for now -- so i guess y'all are lucky, in that respect, eh?
cuz i have a feelin i could write, a lot, right now. and most likely a whole lotta nuthin. as usual.

this last few days have been a bit odd for me. in several ways. like i said-- i don't have the time to get into all of it-- or even most of it really.

ya know-- my best bet here is prolly to not try to rush this, and if i don't get it finished before i have to take the kid to school -- and get stuck with a needle-- labs, yippee!. -- maybe i should just save it to draft, and finish it later. ya think?

thursday:

* enter- side note here = (that up there was written yesterday-- so i already got stuck-- needles don't bother me - so it went ok. of course there's more to that story-- that only adds to the disdain i hold for my endocrinologist dr. -- but i will spare you the details. for now.)

i heard that "phew" from y'all :))

anyhow- i already don't make any sense half the time-- if i try to rush through a post like this-- most of you won't even attempt to read through it. all you will see- read is -
my charlie brown speak---
"mwa mwa mwa mwa"

(this is me lightin a smoke and sippin some coffay) ahhhhh

ok, so now that i can breathe, and slow down -- with that plan of attack in motion. (being to slow down- and to save this and not hurry to finish - as i am in the same boat now as yesterday morning - runnin short on time)


but-- let me start over. k? ya still with me?
inhale. exhale. we good? ok.

so. where was i? besides in a hurry and frantically writing, unable to think.
ahhhh yes. obviously , my mind is a mess at the moment. wanna know why?
well, it's not the obvious 'off my nut thing'. no.

you see, this passed week or so, i have been-- well, let's just say "diggin up some old bones". i actually don't think they've ever been buried- so to speak... so they don't require much diggin.
so - maybe they're just the ole 'skeletons in the closet' kinda thing???
regardless of the 'metaphor' , this isn't something that happened on purpose , well, not really.
i mean i wasn't forced to talk about any of it, or anything.

it is however something that had already begun , on it's own, when a friend of mine had a tragedy in their life. of course, me, bein "me" ... i rush to the 'rescue'. -- or maybe the 'attempted rescue" -

mainly because i have walked in similar shoes--- and i haven't done it right. i want this person to know, and to learn from my mistakes that there is a better way-- and she must find it-- so she won't end up like me.

i'm getting to know this person on a deeper level through writing emails --- which to me seems the most honest way to get to know someone on a heart to heart basis-- no masks-- no awkward silence-- just feelings-- and truth. and experience, strength, and hope. shared between two people.

but, like i was saying--- it can bring up things that haven't been 'really', consciously thought of in a very long time. it can also bring up hurts and wrongs that have been done by and to others when i opened these wounds of my past.

'my story' ( at least the parts of it i shared) - might have helped this person begin a path to healing' -- but i wonder now-- if it has left me at a fork in the road where her life begins to change for the better; and i stand here confused , wondering which of the two paths before me to choose. which happens to be something i should have done almost 14 years ago.

confused yet?
sorry-- that would be my specialty.
my sis calls it my "cryptic speak" -- but-- i just don't like to name names-- or sometimes be specific about certain people, places, or things on here .

it doesn't seem necessary to do that- it could hurt people. 'innocent' people.
cuz 'things' are simply miscommunicated through the written word' way too often -- and when that is your -- ok MY -- main form of communication -- lemmee tell ya-- from experience-- it can really fuck things up. and it has-- more than once.

too often, people honestly don't know what they do- or don't do -- when it comes to life, and people in it. and when 'hyper-sensitive ME, is involved? God knows- it doesn't take much -- at the 'wrong' time, to throw me for a loop.
or worse? for me to throw y'all for a loop.
we all know it's true-- and unfortunately-- that is out of my control.
honestly. and sadly-- many times-- until it's too late.

anyhow-- back to what i was sayin---

i have no problem -- none-- openening my wounds to help another-- or maybe to at least, attempt to help another. i admit, i don't always succeed. there are times i really make things worse.

but i have to be honest-- i am never left unscathed by it. and sometimes, i just don't know what to do about that. because that is my own problem, nobody elses. whether i have helped a person - or not.


maybe i have this story-- or experience-- for the single reason of telling people how NOT to get through it. maybe to point them to people that i know who did do it right. and how much i have learned from those certain people.
and if i know how to contact them-- maybe i share that too.

i can't have been through what i have been through- and continue to go through-- in vain.
there has to be a reason for it.

helping others-- has got to be it. otherwise-- my life is a total waste of air and space.
and i refuse to believe that.

and y'all know i'm only talking about a peice of my life here.
the worst- and most painful piece, of course.
there is so much more to it. so much more to me.
i can't have been put here to live 'this' life -- only to suffer -- only to survive everything i have endured --- everything i continue to struggle with and fight through --- for 'nothing.

there has got to be more to it. more to me.
God did not bring me this far-- in 'this' life, to drop me on my ass. or to let me die in vain.
i am here-- i have the life he gave me-- for some reason, unknown to me.

i may end up dying in a wheelchair- in pain, with altzheimers- someday. i know i won't die alone. and i know that i will stand before my God, and i will know why my life was this way. and i will be proud to have served my God, the way i was supposed to.

JOB , from the bible-- he was a man of great strength and endurance. he suffered loss, and physical pain here too.
in the end-- he was ok with that.
maybe i will be too.


is anybody still with me?

i think even I am gettin lost here.

so. i will shut my yap now.

and hope you all have the happiest of days in your worlds-
i'm gonna clean my kitchen, and work on my taxes-- you know you wanna be me :))

Wanna Know Why They Call Me Soul?

this post was original written on :
february, 2, 2010

somehow- somewhere, since the day that i posted this page, i for whatever reason, deleted it. it isn't even saved on drafts.
y'all know me; at least most of ya do. memory gets worse by the day.
maybe someday i'll remember when , or why i deleted this - but until, or if that happens -- or not-- i checked some 'notes' i have set aside for when i do ever decide to get to writing 'my book'.
i will do it ya'll. someday i will.

anyhow-- this is just a bit of a tale about my name "Soul",
and how it, and maybe even how I, came to 'be.'

go pee, grab a coffee, pull up a chair,
and prepare for a doozy of a 'soul post'.

Where the name 'Soul' came from :

it started with 'soulmange' - a very long time ago - which happens to remain my email address.

when i lost jacob who was my unborn and very ill son @ over 5 months pregnant, i also had a dog named midnight. (you may or may not remember her-- but i had that dog longer than any person, or any-thing- ever.) well, cept for soulman-- and he was only a close second. :))

well- soon after we lost the baby "Jacob"-- my dog got mange. severe mange. she almost died from it. her litter of ten pups did have to be put to sleep because of it. i just didn't know she had it-- she didn't show signs for months- so it made it hard to know what happened to her.
so, that- and misdiagnosis made it hard to know, or even guess.
by the time she got the right diagnosis- and medication? i was literally minutes away from asking one of soulmans' friends to take her out and shoot her. the poor dog did nothing-- except shrivel up to skin and bones, go bald, scratch constantly, cry, and bleed. i couldn't handle it anymore. it was breaking my already broken heart.
the day i was going to ask this guy to shoot her-- i saw my shrink--- who suggested i get a second opinion first.
so i did.

she got a proper diagnosis-- some God given meds, shampoos, vitamins, etc.
i swear to you - within a week-- she had a thin but beautiful coat of hair coming in, she wasn't crying or scratching, she was gaining weight- and eating. she was coming back to life. God gave me my dog-- my soul-mate back. she was on the verge of death. and she lived another -- 10+ years :)) (she did have bouts with breakouts- and flea allergies- but we knew what to do to help her.)

God knew i couldn't lose her. not then.

anyhow-- one day- back then - i was looking at her-- she was still really sick at this time--
she was sitting in the middle of the street in front of our house- i was sitting on our deck.
i could sense it that she was as miserable as i was-- and i thought to myself that she was sitting there-- in the road-- just hoping that she would be run over. she hated living that way.

it was then then i thought-- i know how ya feel my friend--- i have mange too. my soul has mange. i want to die too.

that was when i chose the name 'soulmange.'

and when i decided to put her out of her misery.
and me out of mine as well.

she was healed-- with my help of course-- of her mange---
and i was soon after-- admitted -- into my first mental hospital.
after no other option-- i walked -- crying uncontrollably into my shrinks office-- helpless- and hopeless-- with no where else to turn-- and told her-- i didn't know what else to do-- other than die. she couldn't let me leave like that-- she called my husband- then the hospital-- i was admitted-- my husband was beside himself-

i had finally lost my mind.

BUT---

about twelve years later i had this blog--- and i had folks who liked the stuff i had to say on there--- and i had moments of light in my dark soul ---- and mind--- and i learned to laugh-- and trust (a little)-- and folks didn't like to call me 'soulmange.'
because they didn't see me that way.
they didn't see me as a dark , disturbed, sad person.
at least not all the time.
i made people laugh.
i had a positive side.-- and that side seemed to 'come out' more and more'-
i had a helpful side- that cared about people-- genuinely. many times-- more about them than myself.

they didn't want to call me-- or think of me as having 'mange' -

like Midnight-- i had bouts of depression, and i had mental attacks, but i also had times of being 'myself'. looking, and feeling 'human', and happy, and ok. not ugly inside and out, and wanting to sit in the road and be killed.


so--- i became
"SOUL"
(my blog was re-titled as well- with a little help from my friends :))
it went from - " A Day in The Life Of Me" (i think) TO - "Queen Earlene's Finest"

then finally TO :

The everpresent -- "Soul Survivor"

but---

now i'm brezz.

cuz i had a mental attack after christmas.
and i hurt a lot of these folks feelings, cuz i got paranoid, and thought everyone turned against me.
and that's because i spose i'm soulmange , once again.
so no more soul

just "Brezz"
(a story all it's its own)

BUT--

wanna hear something positive ?

for YEARS i have had the title for 'my book' that i may never write---
and i was driving home this morning from droppin soulkid off at school--
and i thought of a brand new title for said book!!!!!

you DO know what that means don't you????

it means----
i need to start diggin up all my 'notes, and unfinished crap on this here 'book' we speak of---
cuz it just might get wrote after-all.
title being?

a secret til it's written
patience my friends.
patience.

and now -- april 2010-- i am back to soul survivor-- where i belong. where i feel y'all want to be with me , not take me to the woods and shoot me.

God Bless Texas

mornin peeps-

ya know, if i didn't like it here, i'd say Hell froze over. it has been flippin freezin out here for days! and you know i hate it. right now? THIRTY degrees. NOT windchill, or feels like. that is the temperature. i don't even wanna know the feels like. that doesn't matter-- i can tell ya without knowing the actually numbers... it "feels like" HELL.

i've heard people say-- that heaven or hell might be individual to each persons own 'best' or worst'. ya know what i mean. heaven being -- the best you could ever dream of, the happiest that YOU could ever feel or be. and of course hell, the total opposite.
individual to your own hell. your own torture. eternally.

i'm not sure what 'my heaven' would be. i think it would just be to be with people i love and trust. mainly my babies-- you know that. just somewhere beautiful and pure with a lake or a stream, trees, and no doubt or fear, or regret. just love, and people i love with me. oh, and of course perhaps, sun, and fishin. :)) -- catch and release- of course. that, i think is MY heaven.

do you even need to guess my hell? well-- first-- it would be freakin FREEZING -- like now-- but colder-- constantly.
and brown and ugly and dry-- yes like new mexico-- a place i always refer to as hell anyways. and of course my feelings would not include trust or love, or joy-- they would be pain, paranoid, fear, and definitely NOT include peace - or people i love.
that is MY hell.

so. where did all that come from? hellifiknow. all i know is i'm cold. and like i said it's 30 degrees outside, and i have to take the kid to school in a little while. oh Lord i do not even wanna leave the front door !
i cannot wait for spring. when is spring? where is the sun in fact??? the sky has looked white/gray and crappy -- if not rainy -- for several days. is it too much to ask for a little sunshine?
yeh, i didn't think so. hell, it's free. most of what i want in life is free. well, for the most part at least. health. sunshine. a little energy, feel good catch fish/ fishin days, some spontaneity in life.
all free.
but where is it?
here i sit- on my sloth ass-- dreading to go outside -- cuz i hate to be cold.
have i mentioned that little factoid of my life?
i truly HATE being cold.
i do.

so anyhow-- wonder where i've been lately?
well, i'll tell ya.

i been busy actually. trying to catch up on my life. i have fallen so far behind it's not funny. (ever wonder where that line came from? i do . "it's not even funny".
well.. it's not like anyone said "it" was. right?

anyhow-- aside from gettin bills, banks, and tax hell in order- which included finding a $1000.00 error in my bank book-- and NOT in my favor. you know that was panic attack causing. erg- gag- pffttttt.

i also have done some house cleaning-- haha-- shocking i know. :))

and saturday we went to the movies and watched

my review?
it was good. but not outstanding.
worth the wait for the DVD i say.

then, yesterday-- aside from my business stuff, etc. i had some mommy daughter time. much over-due mommy daughter time, i might add. we didn't do much-- yep-- cuz we were both afraid of the cold :)) neither of us wanted to walk from the car to -- well, anywhere. so we ended up starting out to go thrift shopping- or antiquing --- BUT we got like four miles from home and i got the horrible feeling-- OMG i think i left the garage door open. which meant the house door was unlocked too. and the dogs were crated. so -- we HAD to go back and check. we got back to the house-- the garage was shut :)) bleh.
so. we changed direction-- and instead of heading back to whence we came , we chose a different direction, now with only food on our minds. it was late afternoon, and neither of us had eaten.
we stopped and exchanged movies at blockbuster on our way to our mystery lunch tho, and got "Saw 6". i'll get to that later.
we ended up eating at a new and different place-- which was all we really cared about. this same ole same ole-- is gettin old. so we found a place -- the kids pick-- and a very good one i'll say. we will be goin back there someday-- with hubby in tow.

(even tho, the poor fella is back on his - almost no carb- diet, and will miss out on the delicious fried calamari , and home-made sour-dough bread we shared.) OMG, it was to die for.
we almost left before even sitting tho-- there we were on a sunday afternoon, and 90 percent of the customers were wearing ties, and dresses, or nice pant suits. here comes me and my kid-- decent of course-- but clad in jeans and sweatshirts. :((
i felt very out of place and undersdressed for what seemed at that point an upscale sorta place. but we-- obviously stayed -- and were delighted.
and we had good conversation, and a good time. which was soooooo overdue -- it aint even funny :))

no joke tho. tensions have been high lately between she and i. i'm not sure why. we just haven't been getting along well lately. a lot of arguing and yelling, over the dumbest of stuff. so i was happy to get out, and clear the air, and enjoy some one on one time with her. it did her some good too. we've been doin better together since.
she even got up this morning-- on my first try-- without bein a brat. :)) trust me-- that is always a good thing.

so-- after hubby got home from work , we all watched

saw 6

if the saw movies are your thing-- i say get it-- it -- to me-- is one of the best of the series-- it has a neat twist at the end. :)) bwa hahah enough gore and guts to last til the next one. and yes-- i think there will be another . and maybe another-- bleh. but hey-- to me? these beat freddy and jason, any day!

so. i think that is all i have time to jaw about for the moment-- i must ready myself to freeze. i mean take the kid to school.
oh-- someone help me. i have to take her tomorrow to get her drivers permit. i think that just might kill me.
no. not that part. the letting her drive part. i don't know if i can handle it.
save me.

hey-- at least i didn't say "kill me" that time :))

happy days out there folks!

thought i forgot - didnchya ?? well- surprise :))

The Brenda Photo Challenge Is BACK !!!!

sposed to be three pics-- but i always gotta do things my own way :))

i did 4 :))
and that wasn't enough :((

here's my photo challenge pics :))

topic?

"best of 2009"

we finally bought a house- and we love it :))

my youngest nephew got married- first of the 3
(he's the one in the middle)
congrats- and best wishes to him and his lovely bride :))

we had much to be thankful for-
'thanksgiving 2009

Christmas 2009
me and my girls-
all that was missin was my sistah
(we'd complete 'the golden girls :))

i spose i shall have ta post again later-- or not-- depends on how the day goes--
hope y'all have warm, fun days today in your worlds-
i'll try--
yesterday-- believe it or not-- i actually accomplished things -- (thank you God for my legs!)

step away from the fish !

mornin peeps---

yeh, well, that title could mean anything under the sun when it comes to me , huh?
well, let me enlighten you. you already know (maybe) that i met my friend for lunch yesterday, and she gave me the portrait she had made of my son. if you didn't know, you know now.
we met at a place that 99% of the time we go to. mainly cuz of my senility i think-- and it's familiar, and pretty much a half way point for us to meet, between our homes.
so. the weather was crap, and visibility near zero on the freeways, due to rain, and good lawd, the traffic was pure hell. i'm surprised i made it without takin a xanax, or ragin on someone. every-thing, was pissin me off. traffic was bumper to bumper and i was late--- which i felt better about when she texted and told me that she was late too.
i told ya-- no one can drive here-- cept us :))
anyhow--- rewinding--- or 'something' -- there we are at the restaurant (thank God for spellcheck-- to this day i can't spell that word!)-- so we talk a while , then order-- finally. jlee gets a nice, healthy- yummy- lookin lunch-- sandwich and a salad. WHAT do I choose? yep-- catfish. fried, catfish. i had a bad feelin from the start-- cuz the last time we ate there i got fish-- but it was cod-- usually it was good-- but that time-- somethin was just 'off'. but-- i wanted fish-- i thought-- maybe not cod-- but catfish would be alright.
ummmm..... NO. it was ok. THERE. how do ya think it is NOW???
uhhh. yeh. it was really a bad choice off their extensive menu for me to choose catfish. because i am quite - well- ill, this morning. never again. NO fish for me at that place. i think maybe they switched whoever they buy their fish from. cuz it is just some baaaaad fish.


but what do i do about it now? it's paid for. it's 'gone', not much i can do- is there?
i actually brought leftovers home-- but thank God i had the sense to toss those. they sat at the table for an hour while we chatted after we ate-- then another hour and a half in the car. by the time i got home-- there was NO way i was even gonna consider eatin that after all that time sittin out. bleh. obviously- that was a good decision.
so-- yeh, i do believe i have a bit of food poisoning this morning.
what a way to start a day :))
it's cuz i am me -- you know that right? ok.
i know-- and i apologize-- food poisoning- is never a good visual is it? sorry.



so. let's move on shall we?

i'm gonna show ya the portrait J did for me. i am IN LOVE with it !!!! absolutely, positively IN LOVE. i didn't even make it all the way home with it before i had to stop at a framing shop with it. i just have 'that kind of ' luck that if i did take it home-- something awful would happen to it. a dog would pee on it-- coffee would spill on it. only God knows what kind of schleprock thing might happen.


so, there was a lull in the rain by the time i got to a place kind of close to home- so i went in with it. totally blind, mind you. i have NO clue how to choose frames, and mats, and do things like that. i go in , i chat with the 'frame girl'.. tell her of my lack of creativity--- and leave it up to her. she starts mixin and matchin.... and i can only 'trust her' . cuz there i am.. totally lost-- and scared to death 'something' is gonna happen to this picture. i just want it set up-- and put away safe til i can pick it up.
finally i 'think' i'm satisfied with what she chooses-- and she explains to me 'why' she chose the colors and style etc... made sense to me-- so i go with it-- and i'm on my way.


did i mention-- i have never had anything framed in this manner before? well -- lawdy-- the sticker shock is somethin to talk about-- but i won't mention that. cuz i sooooo love it-- and it is sooo worth it to protect it. it's gonna be amazing hangin on my wall. umm, no. i don't know which wall yet-- but prolly in or near my office. i'm thinkin.
oh, and when i came out of the store? the sky had opened up again, and it was like walking through a dang shower -- or maybe some kinda 'thing' at a water park.. goin to the car. that was the only thing that made having to wait til 2/10 to get the pic back worthwhile. i woulda had a panic attack had i had to take it back out into that rain. it woulda been destroyed. so-- now i just wait-- and i am on pins and needles. i want it in my house --- on my wall-- right now! i have no patience when it comes to things like this. :((

anyhow-- not much else happenin here--- cept-- i've slept two good nights in a row-- without raisin the pain meds-- so this is good. the worst is over. it is so strange to me how a body can be 'addicted' , and the mind not even know it. it kinda sucks even. four days of hell, and i didn't even enjoy the ride. just my luck.

anyhow-- time to go to school--- in the coooold and rain. wonderful weekend ahead looks like. bleh, yes i'm being sarcastic. i'm sure ii'll be the shut-in that we all know i am for the next couple days. i need to move to puerto rico or somethin after soulkid -- hm that just slipped out... gets her life in order in school or marriage.
haha that made me laugh-- y'all know we're joined at the hip! i'll be goin nowhere further than i can drive from her. we all know that's not far at all.

anyhow-- have happy days in your worlds today peoples

I'll hopefully be scratchin things off my to-do list.
ha- yeh-- i know- i'll get back to you on that. :))

i should be gettin ready to go-- am i ? umm, no.

but not til after this song! i am in love with this song :)) i could-- and have, listened to it five times in a row. have you heard it before? i just love it.

but anyhow-- in other news. the thunder just started. i don't mind thunder-- but most of ya know that Eevee is a scardy cat when it comes to thunder. it scares her to death. we don't really know why. but it just does. she absolutely hates it. poor baby.

so anyhow-- i really should be ready to leave by now-- i took the kid to school this morning half dressed-- as usual. she's been goin in early for almost two weeks. she had to make up time for absences, in order to get her drivers permit through the drivers school. what a drag that has been for both of us. we have both gotten used to the goin in at 9 thing. now the losin an hour in the mornin kinda sucks.
funny part? she texted this mornin after i got home -- and told me -- she only needed to make up 3 days--- which was only 3 hours-- which was = three days. haha-- she's gone like 12 days. i just told her-- oh well, if nothin else , it was a good lesson in dicipline. i expected her to cuss at me or somethin-- she only wrote back-- 'whatevah'

she loves me. oh well. we're glad that's over with. now she can get her driving hours in and get her permit. y'all have no idea how scared i am just to think of my baby drivin in this town (DFW) . even I panic in this traffic. OMG -- save me.

so anyhow-- i almost forgot to tell ya where i'm goin today-- i know y'all are dyin to know - aint ya? :))

well, some of ya know i had to reschedule my lunch - slash - picking up of the patrick portrait - with JLEE last week.. right? remember that? my cerebral flatulence. i been pretty good with - if nothing else, that, lately. so anyways- we are meeting today, in just a couple hours for lunch and the pass of of the portrait. i can't wait. i hope it isn't pouring down rain --ugh.. with my luck it will be. i'm wondering if i have something to put it in to keep it dry. i don't think i do. but it's raining now-- dammit. and it's sposed to only get worse as the day rolls on. but-- it'll be good to see my friend. it's always a good time with her.

so. not a whole lot has been goin on here. but i did finally consult dr google of my latest feelings of being drug through the mud.
wanna hear what i learned?
well, i had already figured it out-- google only helped confirm my suspicions ---
friggin norco withdrawal. yes i know. i don't abuse it-- or even "like" it. but like i've said-- i take a high dose. so.. since monday-- i haven't been taking as much. i've maybe more than cut the dose in half. i carry a small pill box that only holds like 6 or so , and hadn't needed to re-fill it til this morning-- normally-- i take that much or more in one day. so umm, yeh-- by yesterday i felt so bad, and hadn't been sleepin, had been all anxiety ridden and grouchy-- just all kindsa stuff-- i finally thought-- hey-- you don't have to like it for your body to miss it. like a lot of my other meds-- even shit like effexor makes your brain feel like lightening is striking it when ya miss one or two doses. of course my first thought was -- take a friggin pill :))
but then of course i thought twice about that-- i was three days into it already-- the worst was almost over-- well-- they say a week or two-- but still why go backwards - right. so instead of goin backwards-- i just went to bed at a decent time-- and took an extra sleeping pill :)) can't win for losin maybe eh? but i did finally sleep the night thru-- and hopefully i can get back on track and tonight will be better.

on that happy note-- i must get myself presentable and hit the streets... nobody knows how to drive in this town when it rains.

road rage here i come :))

happpy days to y'all

i seem to lack the will to find the will to GET UP

mornin folks-
nope , i haven't fallen off the face of the earth--- yet. still kickin out here in the grand ole state of texas. it only seems as if i've vanished. but no. i've only been slothing. or perhaps collecting mold , like the sloth that i am.

i honestly don't know what happened to me. it's been hard for me to stay awake during the day-- and hard to sleep through the night. peacefully or solidly at least. my days and nights somehow got turned inside out. i don't know. but it aint been any fun. or productive. that's for sure. i know it's only been a couple days-- it feels like a week though.

anyhow-- hopefully it'll get straightened out soon. and i'll get back on track.

i feel bad that i'd been cryin about lack of comments here and all that- and y'all have been so good about it now, and here i am bein the worst of the bunch and not even visiting anybody, much less talkin to ya'll on my own blog. i oughtta just be strung up and horsewhipped. i'll catch up. and i am sorry. can't really blog when you're crashed out tho-- can ya?

ok-- so anyhow-- enough of that i reckon.

where do i start?

wanna start with how my legs are doin after the 'shot' ? that sounds like a good place-- i think it is gonna work. i still have some pain there-- but if i had to-- i bet motrin or some other OTC med would cover it. (i'm not sposed to take those meds tho- cuz of my belly issues-- eegads- it's always somethin with me, aint it :P )
so anyhow-- yeh- still takin pain meds-- but i bet it's cut in half from what i was takin just a few days ago. they never made me 'feel' anything like you'd think that amount would-- but i'm sure it's better to not take so many. so. the pain has lessened-- and i believe that it will continue to lessen --- if it gets as good as last time-- it was 98% better in that area -- so i'm thinkin positive there.
and i thank all of you for your positive thinking, good thoughts, and of course your prayers sent my way!! :))

next? the boat? wanna see it? it's so purty. i had posted a pic of it once on my other blog-- but i only left the pic up for a couple hours, before i felt i may jynx it. cuz at that time, we had very little money paid on it, and i just didn't feel real secure about it. but now-- it's almost paid off, and of course plans are in the works for pick up, and everything is in motion to make it ours- and bring it home. :))

so. without further ado---- here she be :

(and for smocha-- here's the trucka- we already have :))

the only thing about the photo? we get it without the engine :(( we will have to use the engine from the boat we have now--- which is actually smaller than what we need for that much boat. but it's only temporary. for non boat folks-- the motor is actually the bulk of the price of a boat-- especially a used one. that motor there? prolly costs about 7 or 8,000.00. the one on the boat we own? it's worth more than the boat it sits on. maybe 5- 6,000. and the payoff on our boat -- is a tad over 4 grand + . pretty sickening when ya break it all down huh? so-- i aint even gonna say what we paid for the 'new ' one-- even without the motor .... but it is gonna be awesome to not have a boat payment. well... after we set the one we have on fire---- oh did i say that out loud? sorry-- i mean after we pay it off :))
y'all know we aren't that kinda people. we're gonna double up-- i hope-- on our payments and get it paid off. or maybe trade the hull for part of a car for our spawn :))

oh i think this is the last of what i got for now---the built ins pic. remember when i mentioned painting them? well, to be honest-- my place is a wreck at the moment-- as if you couldn't have guessed that - right. so here is a pic that was taken one day that we looked at the house before we bought it-- the decor is not ours the way we have it now. but you can get the general idea of the layout--
- painting suggestions? -






so yeh-- that's the brezz-land update-- what's goinin on in your world?

hope y'all have happy days today--

i'm dressed- that's a start- right? :))

holy crap i found everybody -

does the entire world live on facebook these days?
i don't mean that in a bad way, but geesh. i went over earlier today to revive my facebook account-- and i was mobbed. not that it bothered me. i love attention-- you know that. seems a couple folks thought i locked em out of my other blog and just kept goin. so this first part may be a re-run for a few of you-- skip it if ya already heard it--

that isn't the way things went. i did explain what happened somewhere in here a few posts back-- and so far i don't have a whole lot of posts on here-- so if you think ya need a little more detail you can look around for it. k?

but-- long drawn out dreary story short?

i had a mental attack. i'm still workin on it. but i'm not doin as bad as i was a few weeks ago. for those who've been around a while already know that this is just somethin that happens to me from time to time. and that as history proves-- i eventually come out of it.

example? -- if i were a brush fire? i eventually burn myself out. right?

but-- as per scientific evidence proves-- if a brush fire is not left alone-- or better yet-- 'controlled.. protected, not to spread" --- and someone feeds that fire-- or worse, throws fuel on that fire.... what happens? yes-- you guessed it. no matter how much, or how little fuel is tossed onto the fire-- it grows and it spreads.. and even the lightes of breezes, will continue to feed it.

ya see where i'm goin with this?

i hope so. cuz i'm tryin to make it simple-- and i think i'm gettin a little carried away.

so anyhow-- right now-- no one is feedin the fire-- so it is now smoldering, and will soon be burnt out. k? i'm doin what i can to burn it out.

such as the SHOT today ...so come on in the rest of ya-- here's the

UPDATE :))

i went in and came out fairly well. walking. talking. and doin fine. when i woke up, i didn't feel any pain at all. i was thrilled. i was groggy from the sleepy medicine of course. came home and like i thought i would, i slept a lot of the day away. i woke up right about when stez was headin to school to get my spawn. (how's that for a name-- she calls her own self that one :)) -- our spawn))
anyhow-- that's when i began to worry. :((
mainly at the injection site--- it was pretty sore there. i didn't worry too much about it. didn't need meds or anything for it. i just really needed to get UP and move around some. so i did.
then about an hour later-- if that? the pain came back. not as severe. but it was there. and i got sad. i took a pill, and calmed my panic and disappointment, when i remember that it really does take days to weeks before it actually kicks in and 'works.'

so-- i reckon it's wait and see, for now. i'm gonna stay positive on this. it worked last time. i don't see why it won't work this time.

i did talk to the doc about doin a rhizotomy there too. he didn't sound to keen on that idea (for me)
i mentioned to him, that if i reacted the way i did on the last one-- that if i have the same or similar reaction on my legs-- i will be in a wheelchair... he agreed. and that ended that conversation.

i think we'll stick to shots--
y'all say your prayers will ya-- maybe i'll have good news to report in a couple days.

tomorow i will have a pic of the bubba boat for ya to see. hubby is gonna head out to pick it up on like the 6th. he's gonna take eevee of course, but he got a bit more good news the other day. he now has plans to visit two of our nephews-- my sises boys on his way. he's pretty excited about that :))

so anyhow-- more tomorrow peeps-- i didn't get around too much today in blogland-- i was a little 'drunk' -- i'll be catchin up tomorrow.

g'nite-- or maybe g'mornin.. twice :))

a pain pill ,and half a cuppa- for fuel - and it's go, go, go

howdy folks-

it's monday-- just in case ya haven't figured that out... mondays are great, aren't they? yeh, me too. i need an extra day sometimes too. but even when i have one i complain about that too. someday i'll be content. again.

i've actually been looking for solutions to my discord-- and talking them over with my hubby recently--- apparently they aren't bad ideas, and he's on my side. of course, when has he not been on my side. right?

so. yeh. i'm sittin here smokin a cig-- having had my one half cup of forbidden coffee. and a pain pill. i know-- (nothin after midnight) but i was actually told by the anesthesiologist before my last procedure-- that that is just best case scenario. and 4 hours before -- if it's black coffee and 1 pill, it shouldn't be a problem. you know i jumped on that . and i had no issues for it last time. thing is-- this time? i slept later than i planned-- which is actually good-- cuz i don't have to suffer as long waiting to go--- but there isn't the four hour gap i am supposed to have-- nope only three. i am sure it won't be a problem, but they wouln't like it. course--- who says i can't say i had coffee at 6. riiiight? yeh. that's what i thought. i can't help it if i can't live without coffee. besides, i only drank 2/3 a cup. and really - the pill - y'all know - i'm 'crippled' without it. especially the first one of the day. completely useless.



so yeh-- that's my plan for the day.

and i cannot believe there's any sanity in the fact that i actually look forward to the fact that in just a few hours i will be having a long thin needle jammed into my spine.
people fear the thought of a spinal tap---- this is far from any different than that-- except they don't take anything out-- they put stuff in. i'm a little anxious-- but not scared. i actually am looking forward to it-- cuz i know it works. at least i know it worked last time. and i walked- moved, slept, stood, sat, everything-- with almost NO pain in my legs-- or low back-- for months.



i spose the anxiety at this point only comes from the fact that maybe it won't work, and will be all for naught-- and i will ave to live with the disappointment of knowing that it 'should' have worked- because it did before. and also knowing-- that i took advantage of havin my legs back -- and didn't do things i knew i should have been doing. of course-- in those months that my legs were better-- my upper back and neck were crippling me with a pain that was near unbearable. one more notch on the 'pain scale' i woulda been crying for the last 5 or 6 months.

so. what now? wait. as usual when it comes to docs. hurry up-and wait.
put on my positive thinking hat :)) , get my ass presentable, and pray that this works.
i have a good dr. who does this. i trust him. and those two words are reserved only for him and one other of my docs. and trust me-- a wild guess? i think i have like 5 or 6 'specialists' - and really i hate every one of them, cept the two above.
so i reckon it's a plus that the guy who sticks needles in my spine is a man i can trust to at least send me out walking-- whether it be in pain, or not. he tries .

so-- on that happy note--- i must dress myself- and be on my merry way.

hope you all have happy days in your worlds today

i'll be snoozin much of mine i'm sure. they got the good stuff that kinda does that to a gal :))

when i come back to life -- i'll make my rounds and see what the rest of blogland is up to --- hope it's all good.