my mind is a-jar

mornin folks-

i reckon i'll start this one off with a open reply to the comments to the below post---

y'all had a lot to say-- unfortunately-- well it could be fortunately-- you know- the ole "great minds think alike " thing. :))
anyhow-- i had run all of that, and every scenario through my own mind already.
all the way down to the
"if she died, how would YOU feel?"
i get-- "that's on HER, I'm not the one that did that!"

my kid can rationalize EVERY-THING.
but-- for those of you who know her last couple years--- that is a big part of the character she had to have to survive at one time. it is a hard piece to soften. at least into the part of understanding that it isn't betrayal-- the difference of helping rather than hurting, or snitching. ya know?
some of you may get it-- i don't know. i have been through this with her before-- and have had to break her trust in order to help a child. she didn't like it-- it just had to be done. the only difference was -- the parents weren't brought in-- and if they would have been--- a lot could be different today.
it's from that experience that i just can't leave this hangin and 'wait and see'. ya know.
in my heart, i believe the kid is gonna be alright now. i'm pretty sure at least a week has passed since she did this stupid thing-- i wish i could just tell ya what it was-- but anyhow-- soulkid checked on her-- she's fine. so, i think it will be ok. well , the kid will.
my biggest fear with this particular girl-- is that -- since nothing serious happened-- she might try it again-- gawd! kids are stupid.
i am taking some of the info i learned during my 'research ' yesterday, and will take it to the school so they can put the info out to other kids who might think this is a good idea.
anyhow-- she will be easy enough to find-- i know her 'curriculars' at school, and i have her first name-- the school will prolly not give me the parents info-- but i will tell them, they will call the parents, and the kid can at least get checked out, and the parents notified.
she's not like a 'bff' or anything to soulkid anyhow. she's only been comin around for a few weeks-- and to be honest? it wouldn't break anyones heart if she--or even her parents decided she couldn't come over anymore.
so. yeh. my mind is made up-- with or without soulkids 'consent'. NOT that i need it.

besides that? i really think that deep down-- soulkid tells me these types of things-- to see IF i will DO anything. the time or two i have done things in the passed-- in the interest of the kid--- she got pissed - of course--- but i really think she respects me for it.

she has told me a few things that her friends parents -- i should say - past friends- she has new friends now-- but yeh, she's had friends, whos parents new things that she had done-- but never told me- or her dad. serious things. things that could have put my kid in danger. things i needed to know at the time--- not in a soulkid - guilt- confessional, a year after the fact.

anyhow-- not sure if i explained that mess as well as i meant to--
but i tried :))
senile, you know.

thanks for the advice tho y'all. i think i got it tho. when it's all settled and soulkid doesn't hate me-- i'll fill in the blanks.
sorry smocha-- cryptology IS my second language :))

and SOULKID-- just in case YOU happen to be readin this-- you could just tell me how to call em, and make it easier on all of us. :)) luv you

ok... shall we mooooove on?
how 'bout we talk about what a frea-king lazy cow i was yesterday?

yep-- kinda like that one.
only not as cute.
ihave i mentioned, that i adore cows?
i love them. i just think they are the cutest food -source ever.
:))

ok, anyhow. if you read yesterday- you know there was -- ugh.. i don't wanna say it.
there was another law and order svu marathon on tv. i tried not to give in. i thought i might be able to be strong, and do my chores, pay my bills, that kind of thing.
oh nooooo. that didn't happen. soulkid beckoned as soon as she saw that it was on, and i was her plaything for the rest of the day. from like 1 pm-- til whenever i passed out. and even then-- she woke up and told me i wasn't allowed to go to sleep til it was over--- the whole lazathon! ummm... sorry -- i took my meds at 9-- i have a schedule :)) hahah. anyhow -- i did sit up and attempt to watch some more-- i smoked a cig-- and talked to her a little-- but after that? i was out again.
days like that are a mixed bag of emotions for me-- y'all know that.
it was so much harder this time. the first day of the new year spent like THAT. hmmmm. NOT my intention. but-- that's just the way things go sometimes.
y'all already know the upside to it tho-- and the downside. the downside -- the part of it anyhow that always makes me feel the worse-- is neglecting soulman. it really bothered me this time. i texted -- yes--- from the bedroom... told ya i was lazy.
bleh. but i just couldn't stop thinking of how he was out here alone and we were locked in the bedroom with stabler and benson all day. i felt really bad.

soulman, of course watched football... it was 'bobby bowden' of florida state football's, last time to coach a game. i didn't care to watch-- even tho i really wanted and hoped that they would win. and they did! woo hoo! so-- i knew he was ok for that few hours, and he was happy to watch bobby bowden (coach)-- go out in a blaze of glory.

so anyhow-- that was our new years day-- tv in separate rooms.. all friggin day long.
and of course-- soulman kept us nourished through the day-- and he did come in a couple times to visit-- and once to eat-- and share-- not me, thanks-- his MRE that he got on base. GAG ME. good lord we all need to get some sort of care package of yummies sent to 'any soldier' out there. i tasted a cookie. a cookie, for goodness sakes-- i would rather starve to death. it tasted like the desert... soulkid said they were good. i took a nibble- and gave sushi the rest. i coulda puked. after soulman ate his 'beef enchilada, and refried beans--- i asked if he could live on those for a year?
he said he could, but he wouldn't like to.
ugh-- it was gross just to watch them-- soulkid had a few tastes of things-- cookies, crackers, i guess that's all she was willing to try.
ugh, it was just gross. good lawd i feel for those poor soldiers that have no choice but to eat that crap.

oh-- well, one more thing before i go-- what'd we do new years eve--
it was of course a soul clan kinda outing--
cuz we're us ya know.

we had plans to go out-- yes! into the real world. this would be the first NYE that we left the house on NYE since soulkid was born ! so what-- we were weird and overprotective.

so-- off we go-- we got a late start for what was supposed to be an early arrival to watch "AVATAR" on IMAX in 3-D.
how do ya think that worked out?
yeh, it didn't.
so. we got a refund.. cuz the theater was soooo friggin packed we woulda had to sit in the front row-- and y'all know-- with y neck stuff goin on... that just aint gonna happen.
so yeh, we get a refund on our tickets, and we go. now what? who knows. we sit in the car for a minute, check movie times at other theaters. find one somewhere else-- but of course 'avatar' is sold out all over town. so we head to another theater-- buy tickets for a movie -- that i can't even remember now. it was gonna start in like an hour and a half. soulkid was starving, hadn't eaten all day, and was acting like she was in her terrible twos for it. so we then walk down to a place to eat. soulman had earlier tried to make reservations around town-- every where was booked-- and some folks even laughed at him.. trying to make dinner reservations ON NYE.
well, we found a place to eat near the theater-- not bad-- a pub type place-- but could i smoke-- oh nooooo. could i smoke outside? sure-- in 34 degrees. y'all know i loved that.
so anyhow- turns out we finished eating too soon, so we changed our movie tickets-- which now i remember-- actually were for avatar 3D-- just not in imax. so-- yeh, we changed our tickets to see
sherlock holms.
FAIL.
i didn't even wanna see it at all-- but they did. i only went along for the fact that it was an entire hour shorter than avatar, and i wanted to go home. have i mentioned i love home. and i hate being not home? well, i do.
so yeh. we go in to see sherlock ...
1- we sit through 15 minutes of previews-
2- the 'movie' finally starts-- woo hoo!!!!
3-- but wait-
4- this isn't sherlock holmes
5- this is-- it can't be-
6- it's frickin ALVIN and the chipmunks!!!!
7-- OMG just take me home!

people start grunting, mumbling, gettin up, bein all confused, many walked out.
we stood up , but i already knew by all the confusion that it was the theaters fault so we sat back down. in a few minutes the manager comes in-- and announces a scheduling error.
well duh.
says it'll be five minutes-
one lady yells out free popcorn!
y'all know me-- i go for the big guns-- i yell out
"free tickets!!!!"

anyhow-- there was no five minutes about it-- we sat there jibber jawin for at least twenty more minutes before they got the new movie goin-- the right movie-- but of course---
another 15 minutes of very crappy previews.
by this time i was sooo ready to just go the hell home.
remember, i didn't even want to watch this movie. just not my thing.
so. the movies on, finally. everyone quiets down, settles in, watches the movie--
we end up with a damn crying 2 year old behind us. perfect-
of course, dad doesn't wanna take him out. he has the weirdest cry. soulman thought he was choking. i didn't know what to think.
dad finally -- and obviously, angrily, takes the kid out. all the while-- you know he's pinching him or something-- cuz the poor kid keeps saying owie, ouch, etc.
which of course makes it more distracting. cuz now i wanna kick dads ass.
so they get back-- only for that scenario to repeat itself twenty minutes later.
in the meantime-- soulkid is asleep--- until the final ten minutes of the movie-- that SHE wanted to see.
when we leave-- soulmans critique just isn't worth the paper the tickets were printed on.
the only good that came from that movie?
on our way out-- we ALL got FREE passes to another movie!!!
so it wasn't a total waste. just kinda painful.
obtw-- if i didn't mention it-- i didn't like the movie. or the experience at all.

so-- after that we came home-- almost turned in a drunk driver that we watched for about five miles-- but he turned.

we got home-- watched tv and piddled around. checked out some of jlees work she does . can't tell ya what it is -- cuz -- nevermind -- not only a old joke- but a bad one too.
so we watched the ball drop-- did our trusty traditional toast-- got in a fight with soulkid for bein a brat at the wrong moment--- oh did i say that out loud? sorry.
then we made amends-- stayed up til about two a.m. that's murder for this ole lady.
(but like i said-- without my horse pills-- i'd never sleep anyways)

so. that was new years at the soul crib.

my new years starts for real as of today-- maybe tomorrow i will share with you the things i hope to change in myself for the upcoming year.
i didn't make resolutions... but i do need to do some things differently.

now-- i have had charlotte on hold on yahoo chat for like thirty inutes-- so i must go talk to her before she hangs up on me.

happy days in your worlds today!!!!

a new year dilema -- i mean-- HAPPY NEW YEAR !!!

HAPPY NEW YEAR FOLKS!
MYSTERY UNDERLINING AND ALL. (DAMMIT.)

and hell, what is withe the dang underlining? great way to start my first post of 2010. dontchya think? it's cuz i am me, you know that right?

anyhow. i also thought-- or should i say, i originally thought-- that a good way to begin my first post of the new year would be with a brand new fairy for ya.

perhaps, a

'new year fairy'

i don't know about y'all, but he makes me kinda happy :))
(and so does the fact that his fairy-ness made the underlining go away)

but anyways, i do hope you all had a safe and happy new years eve last night. no major hangovers this morning? no tickets? accidents? brawls? regrets?
nah. i am hopefully doubting all of the above. i think most of us are old enough to have learned from our past crazy days to not do those things now that we're the golden girls. :))

i would like to know what y'all did last night tho-- i'll get to what we did in a while -- but i have some other stuff to say first-- and by the time i get that out here-- well, you'll prolly be sick of me- so i may have to come back another time on the deets of last night.

so for now, i kinda come to you with a bit of a ----

and i feel like a :

i'm a crappy parent and human being- because i live in a world of:

yes, it's true. and what makes it even worse? i know better. i know what i should do. i know what i need to do. i know right from wrong.




and i know what i am doing is exact what pisses me off more than anything when another parent does it to me.
yup. i have information on a kid that could be potentially health threatening, yet i am not as much as i know i should to inform this kids parents of what i know.
of course i have NO way of knowing how to do that. no phone number, no address, no first- or even last name. so. what do i do? i have already tried to get that out of soulkid. to no avail. i can't beat it out of her. she refuses to consider the possible consequences of what could and might happen to this kid. but ME? oh boy. y'all know me. i would take that responsibility and guilt to my grave. IF something happened . the chances are slim, since some time has passed , but still.. from the research i have done this morning? it could take as long as a week or more for any symptoms to show. holy crap. how do i get sucked in the middle of crap like this?

perhaps i did well to raise a kid who is loyal ... but to THIS extent? this is TOO loyal. this is ridiculous. this could be life threatening. WTF.
what a way to start a year. surely i will find a way to either get her to tell me how to contact the kids parents-- or i can find out from the school. i will not let this just go by without doing something.
once again, i got the "this is why i don't want to tell you stuff!!!"
but dammit-- i think she did good by telling us-- maybe i just shouldn't have told her i was gonna tell???
i do not know how to be a mom. but i refuse to go through this shit again, and let kids hurt themselves without letting on to their parents. i can't live with that kind of guilt .
i don't want to be like those parents who enabled my kid. i just won't be like them.

ok-- on to a lighter subject---

my surprise gift?
from yesterday-
it's unveiling has been delayed.
but not by long.

i did meet with Jlee yesterday , and we had a good visit, and a yummy lunch.
i also got to SEE 'it'--- but i didn't get to bring it home. she noticed an imperfection in the sunlight that she didn't notice at her house. so she wanted to take it back home and touch it up.
SO-- i will tell ya what it is-- cuz i know smocha, if no one else-- is dying to know what 'it' is.

Jlee, has drawn.. or sorry J-- whatever the proper term is :O ----
a portrait of my son Patrick. who, if you don't know died as an infant, many years ago. i have offered to pay several people over the years to do this for me, and have given them photos to use to do it-- only to never see them, a portrait, or my photo again. the last time i did this-- the girl did sincerely TRY to do the portrait, but many of you saw, it was a disaster.
when Jlee saw that scan on my blog-- she offered , as a gift to do it for me. i accepted.
it is beautiful. and so is she. she returned my photos even !!! :)) not that i ever doubted that she would.

so. when she does find the time to get it touched up, and back to me-- y'all will be the first to see it-- well, outside of us, and the soul-clan, of course.

no gift is better than one from the heart--- given or received. Jlee i will never forget this-- and never know how to repay it. i LOVE it... you didn't have to take it back.

anyhow---
i hope y'all are safe and sound-- and all your family are too!

have a happy day -- and a happy new year in your worlds too

oh ps-- you may not see me today--- there's an svu marathon on -- and soulkid beckons at this moment!
thank God for soulman and his feeding abilities :))

good bye 2009

howdy peoples ---
would someone like to tell me just what the hell happened in the below post? could that be senility run rampant? when i 'proof-read' it the first time, i guess i was more scanning than really readin it. but this morning? good lawd. did anyone really get was i was even sayin? cuz i'm not even sure that i did.
i swear to you-- i was stone cold sober-- and drug free. you all know i don't do either-- well unless i make the mistake of 'sleep-bloggin' -- which for those who don't know- is when i decide to get online after i ingest a horses dose of xanax -- which happens to be the only thing that makes me able to sleep at night. and also makes -- sometimes-- for an interesting read, or comment, wherever i may end up.
but--- nope--- that post was written in the morning-- usually my most lucid time of day. hmmmmm.
did someone mention concrete boots? :)) i kid. sorta. if i ever do get as bad off as my mom --- really, just take me fishin--one last time.
so. yeh. sorry for that mess of a post. could y'all imagine if i didn't write at all though? that is what my head is like all the time. just a swirl of past, present and future goblee goop floatin around with no where else to go. and folks wonder why i have that stupid look on my face all the time. ha! now you know.
'whatchya thinkin bout soul'?
everything.
for real!
when folks reply 'nothing' to that question-- it just baffles me. and i only wonder if it is really even possible to think of nothing at all. is it? you tell me. cuz i have never had an empty thought in my mind.



ok-- nevermind-- i'm a lunatic, we all know this. but hey-- i'm a fun lunatic. :))
well.. i can be. i'm more fun on here than in real life. i'm too -- something-- in real life. wound up? whatever ya call it. people phobic. i just don't like to talk much. out loud at least. but as you all know-- i could write for days :))
hey-- nobody said it had to make any sense. show me that rule on blogger. :))

ok. so. take a wild guess at what my plan of the day is today. just guess. ok-- i'll spare you the agony-- cuz we all know-- with me-- it could be anything-- or nothing. right?

well, here's a hint :

jitterbug barfed on my checkbook last night!!!!
ok , thatt's not the hint-- but it did happen, and it was no fun at all to clean up-- why my check-book? what a dumb ass . besides that? it was on my couch! and not the leather one-- nooooo, this requires real cleaning. dammit.

ok, sorry-- back to your hint---

JLee said...

Thank you so much for the Xmas card. Sorry I'm just getting around to thanking you ;) I am about to have a gift for you...hehe. Santa said you've been a good girl (sort of) I hope things look up for you and it always helps to watch "It's a Wonderful Life" My daughter and I watched that last weekend.

8:45 AM, December 15, 2009

well--- today i am meeting my friend Jlee for lunch, as well as the pass off, of my gift from 'santa'.
i aint tellin ya what it is yet--- but if you come back this evening-- you will see it. cuz i'm gonna put a pic of it up here. i haven't seen it yet. but it is something that i know she put her heart into. it is nothing that anybody on earth could have bought for me. and i didn't even ask for it. it's something she knew i have wanted for many years, but never found the right way to get it.

there my friends, is your hint.
come back tonight for the unveiling.
i just know i will love it. i think it will make me cry-- but not in a bad way.
i'm so excited i can't contain myself.

so anyhow---- moooovin on-- i did get christmas put up yesterday-- well, all but my snowbabies-- damn pain put the brakes on before i got to them. i'll do those today.
can't wait to get the rest of the place put back together-- and get this place lookin like a home.
it's so middle of the road ever since we moved in i can't stand it. someone should come visit and help me decorate-- i'll pay your way-- well, except smocha-- altho i'd love to-- i'd have to sell something-- ummm, everything, to get ya here. tell hubby you need a vacation :))

well folks -- i must get things rollin here-- y'all have happy days today
and be very very careful if you're out and about tonight celebrating!

happy new year my friends :))

soulio reflections

howdy folks-

i got nuthin- again. so here we go , on another- let's see what falls out- post.

not many folks have been posting too much lately , like i'm one to talk. but i did make my rounds yesterday-- i think i almost made it to all my peeps pages too. i was kinda proud of myself. i usually attempt that, and end up distracted half way through, then end up feeling guilty, cuz i know someone will see me somewhere, and feel like i skipped them on purpose. i think i managed to get everywhere on christmas day too. phew. that can be a job sometimes can't it? tryin to hit half a million pages , AND leave a quick comment-- on limited time? i got scolded that day- cuz soulman was bustin his ass his the kitchen-and smoker, whilst i was spreading holiday cheer through blogland.
haha. did it work? did i cheer any of you? i hope so-- cuz by the time i had finished working on my pictures, movies, and blog posts, and cruisin around to say hi to y'all... i barely had lifted a finger in the kitchen--- audrey helped with some stuff, even soulkid did... finally by the time i was done with what i was doin??? it was time to eat--- and i was guilt ridden and felt lazier than lazy.

since then i have 'meant to' take the christmas stuff down and get it all put away--- do you think that's happened yet? well of course not. every day it's one thing or another.
svu :)) -- the day i went to the dentist i was totally ruined. ya know how they usually don't numb up the entire mouth at once-- prolly so ya don't bite your dang tongue off on accident and not know it. -- well-- i can't get that deep scale cleaning without gettin numbed up. and i live almost an hour-- in traffic-- from my dentist-- i made it in 45 minutes that day. but i had to-- for insurance/money reasons-- had to get this done before the end of the year. so the only way to do my whole mouth by then? was in one appointment. meaning... sloppy-jawed- soul. ugh boy. i drove home with a paper towel over my mouth to catch the drool. i couldn't feel anything from under my nose down to my chin. i couldn't even smoke.. you know i tried a couple times-- but no way. that didn't happen til like an hour after i got home-- and it took two hands :))-- one to make sure it was in my 'closed' mouth, and one to hold it.... THAT's dedication, dontchya think. or, maybe stupidity at it's finest. after that i did my usual, and let the novacaine-- which is now not even called that-- but whatever it is-- it makes me tired. it always has. i think it's a family thing, soulkid and my sis get sleepy after novacaine. and i was souped up on at least nine shots of that crap. so i just laid down. that was at like -- maybe 1 - ish. i think i slept til maybe 7 or so.
that stuff just isn't nice to me.
so anyhow-- every day something has kept me from doing what i'm sposed to be doing and i find worthless ways to fill my time.

yesterday-- i was somewhat productive... but without leaving my house. damn it was cold-- and it friggin snowed again! THIRD time already. not sure exactly how many days-- but this is our third snow. WTF? this is texas man. this isn't sposed to happen here. i left kansas to get away from this crap-- and here i am-- 'trapped' in the house.
again. not that i would go anywhere anyhow-- but i might.
but noooo---- my car needs tires sooo baaad--- it's due for inspection and registration-- i can't do that-- til i get tires-- or it won't pass! i already don't do ice. i do not drive in snow and ice. go ahead and laugh you michiganites, and iowans! :)) i know 'our snow' is nothin but a joke to you-- but ice-- especially black ice-- is ice to me.
i can't tell ya how many times ice/black ice-- has caused me to wreck-- or near wreck my car over the years. i am a tropical wannabe-- need to be. and ice is not in that category. and with slick tires? ugh ugh.. it aint gonna happen. i will not drive on these roads.

i am however-- ehem, i stand corrected-- my soulman is getting my tires put on today.
money i really do not want to spend. but these tires aren't even safe in rain.
hell-- they shouldn't be driven on at all apparently. 35,000 mile warranty my arse.
they went to crap at 20,000.

i just laughed at myself as i wrote that-- it made me remember a time-- looong ago when i was young and carefree. i drove a pacer-- LOL -- yes the fishbowl on wheels.
this car had been thru hell. 'my drunk-mobile.' don't hate me. i was a problem child. i did time, and i never hurt anyone. well, unless ya count me-- and i still pay for that ya know.
anyhow--
me , in my brilliance, one day shortly before leaving for Navy boot camp. i called a friend, and said--
"hey - my car has really shitty breaks, but want to go to 'Magic Mountain?"

some of you know - magic mountain is now six flags-- this was when i lived in Bakersfield california-- i was about 19 .. she was a little older-- but drugs had fried her brain a little. so i spose i shoulda been a little smarter-- but i don't know-- i lived at deaths' door most of my life anyhow-- especially then. i was really a big risk taker.
and either she was too-- or she just didn't think. or hell, maybe she was a risk taker too.
anyways-- i went and picked her up-- i told her-- well, this was back in the day that no one but old ladies and babies buckled up-- so i told her--
"we have to use our seatbelts, we are liable to get in a wreck ya now. my brakes are all but gone."
"duh okay"

so off we go-- it was like 80 to 100 miles over the mountains -- well half way over-- i don't remember which one-- but it was at a top of a mountain, on a dangerous highway-- maybe hwy 5.. known for major crashes around curves and steep hills.
umm.. kind of a no brainer right? no brakes, dangerous roads = don't go.
not us.
bleh.
can we say dumb-ass.
hey at least we stayed sober that day. ya gotta give us that. we were never sober. (together)
so anyhow-- we did go-- we did survive-- obviously--- but would you believe ?---
i dropped her off at her house--- oh-- not to mention that he brakes were totally GONE by now-- and i was only relying in the hand operated emergency brake---
i'm driving alone- every time the brake is pulled, the brakes squeal on the road. i just knew i was gonna get a ticket. i get five miles from her house and 'something flew right off my rear tire!!!! (now that i know more about cars-- i'm assuming it was the outside of the brake pads.. they were worn metal to metal, and nothing was there to hold them on... off they went!
scared the shit outta me.
i only had a few miles left, and i did make it home.
you know i had a lot of angels at work that day. they were prolly a little peeved with me too. cuz i was so stupid. you know the angel and the devil on your shoulders?
well... seems most of my life-- i've had a logical me-- and a 12 year old me sittin up there. it's so easy to listen to the child who never had a childhood sometimes.

now i think i have a me that wants to experience life and be busy and productive on one shoulder-- and on the other , sits the other me- the one that misses all the adventures that i left behind. the responsible one, the protective one. the one afraid of getting hurt, afraid of pain, afraid of everything. the one that thinks every damn thing through to the negative end.

i used to always say-- hell , i'm worth more dead than alive.
now i can't say that. now that i get more money-- i feel like-- nothing can happen to me. i have to be careful, so nothing happens to me. they wouldn't make it without my money.

of course there has been--for years another part to that-- a part that says or reminds me of other things or reasons why i need to stick around. that is-- when i don't want to.
hey- whatever works , right?
and even before that 'thing' happened.. there was always something else to keep me goin.
someone once called it 'a spark'. told me 'never let it go out'.

y'all know i have told you way more than a lot of other folks say on their blogs. so much so i felt the need to delete a lot of it. i still regret that at times. but oh well.
anyhow-- i think the ability i have that allows me to be that honest-- for one-- keeps that spark lit.
keeps the guilt goin sometimes, cuz i feel like i put a lot of pressure on y'all sometimes.
but ya know..... the people that can't or couldn't handle it have moved on. and so have i. not that it was easy to get close to folks only to have them leave over 'my feelings/thoughts/opinions'... but hey-- some people can't handle my type of honesty.

i didn't open this blog to hide stuff. i don't even hide stuff in my real life. well.. i think i said it before-- this blog is fact- not fiction. if i got up here and lied to y'all about some person that i wish i was-- or a person i wish you thought i was--
who would that help? what good would that do?
it wouldn't do a thing for me. i suck at lying. and it makes me feel guilty. i hate guilt.
and what would that do for anyone who reads this thing? for me to come in here and lie about dumb shit? nobody i can think of.

i've learned over the few years that i have had this blog, that being honest here doesn't mean that i have to spill every single detail of my life. i have learned a little restraint. and that has been a good thing. especially when it comes to my family. my daughter. i used to tell alot of her personal business on here-- it was a way for me to vent about it-- in a way to get it out of me- and get help from y'all, some who have been through it.
i also learned through that-- she might be a teenager-- but her problems are -- or can be-- adult problems-- and some of it-- just isn't my right to put online. by doing that-- it has opened a line of communication between her and i that i never imagined that we would have. if i have questions about her life-- i go to HER. and she has grown to be honest with me. even about the 'bad' stuff. "

i can't believe that her problems-- nearly killed me-- nearly split up this family-- only a short time ago. and today i look at her-- i look at 'us, as a family'. and by the grace of God-- and YOU KNOW-- with the help and support from y'all, we are still here , and we are a solid unit and a family again. we take our bumps and bruises, just like any other family. maybe our bumps are a little harder than the average joes-- maybe not..... regardless. i think you all know that i wouldn't be here if not for you. or at least for many of you.
my own body turned on me during those times with soulkid. yet-- y'all were there.. for me-- and even soulman. i thank you all for that.

i love many of you for that..and just because. cuz several of you came along after the worst of the worst here in soulland.

thank you for not letting me feel alone in this world. thanks you for thinking of us, and for prayin for us. and for giving me a new perspective on life-- almost every day.
y'all are my outside world. without you i would be living in my bedroom again. (not that i don't have my days-- but they're just days-- and it comes with the territory)
but you know, i couldn't be where i am today without you.
you know that. if you didn't, i hope you do now. (old and new peeps)

anyhow-- i told ya i was flyin by the seat of my pants on that one.
again- i open my mouth (fingers/mind) and whatever falls out- you get.

two and a wake up from a whole new year. i wonder what it holds for us. meaning you and me. yours and mine. seems every year holds so much, and drags endlessly with pain and loss, but here we stand at the end of yet another one. looking into not only a new year- but a new decade. that is just strange.

my kid will be 16 (in march) and driving . omg that scares me. it takes a friggin cattle prod to get her to clean her room- now i have to trust her with her life and that of others. ----- of course-- we all know that isn't a first-- right? ugh.

soulman and i will have our 18th wedding anniversary. (i swear i feel this is our third 18th :)) it feels like we've been together forever. not in a bad way-

my youngest nephew will have his 1st wedding anniversary :))

we will have a new-used boat. good or bad? i'll let ya know later- but it's purty.
soulman is pickin it up feb 1st in florida.

and-- who knows what else will happen? the rest is unplanned and left up to fate- or destiny- or God- or whatever. the life-fairies.

that's what i foresee in my 2010--- tell me what you see in yours?

happy humpday y'all
smile lots in your worlds today - new year- new chances.
and surely lots of changes-- i wish you all the BEST-

( i just read this-- too many typos to fix--
and my apologies for the babalathon)

crap - i did it again -

yep-- there was another SVU marathon on TV yesterday. and guess what? i was a lazy cow the entire day for it. along with soulkid. how does this happen? especially to a person who barely watches tv at all? normally i watch judge judy after school. a couple series when they're new -- like hells kitchen, survivor, idol, and a couple others. of course the svu and criminal intent re-reruns at bed-time. it's just a stone soup kinda thing when and how much tv i watch. but this 12 hour non stop never get off-a-my- ass-all-day stuff? this just isn't something i do.
it's actually physically painful, and after the third or fourth one, i begin to get self critical. but by then? i'm sucked in. i am able to tell myself i'm a lazy cow and ruined the day anyways. not to mention the fact that i have caused myself pain from sitting on my ass for hours not moving. my blood has curdled, and bones have solidified into a mass of fossilized skeletal leavins.
i am physically and mentally destroyed, left to only rot for the remainder of the 'lazathon' only to move my stiff and pain ridden body in order to potty, re-nourish, or transfer to a lying position in my bed in order to finish out what i am able to of the many hours of my beloved detectives, benson and stabler.
most of the while knowing that i should and could be or have been much more productive through the day. doing chores. laundry. taking down holiday decorations.
perhaps even leaving the house on a somewhat nice day--with my family. maybe to a movie, even to the grocery store, if nothing else. instead, soulman was the only one who experienced the outdoors yesterday-- to get my cigs-- cuz i just couldn't miss my shows... he had to get food for soulkid and i-- because we are too addicted to miss even five minutes to prepare food for ourselves-- even though we can -- and were recording each episode.
i sicken myself. i am a cop show junkie. i am powerless over my laziness. i need help.
but until then--- there's another svu marathon comin on on friday :))
don't miss it!

bwa hahahahahaha

good lord, i crack me up-- but at the same time-- i really did feel like a lazy and worthless cow, and i felt guilty, and i did hurt, for all the sittin on my ass yesterday.
another TWELVE hours of it. 12 hours straight of television. i used to feel very sorry for my brother when he would do that. of course he would do that every single day. he had the dialog of movies memorized. yet he would still watch them, and speak the lines along with the characters. used to drive me crazy. and i would wonder,
'how could anybody sit and spend their entire day in front of the tv?'
i guess i know now...
i think of my brother quite often. the lonely life he lived. filling his time with television, cigarettes, gazing into space.
i was young and alone and NOT in pain at the time-- and i would give him suggestions on things he could or should do to fill his time and days- with useful and fulfilling things that would enrich his life and that of others.
i understand him so much better now. the not wanting to go out and be around 'people', the not having friends', the fear of meeting 'people', his 'safety net'.
his comfort zone.
i always thought he was so lonely, and needed so much more. maybe he did. but , i don't think he was as miserable as i always believed him to be.
i think , of course he wished for things to be different. at times. but i think also, that at some point, long before i was aware of it-- he had reached a level of acceptance, that the life he had , was the life he had, and he played the hand he was dealt.
he wasn't as bad off or miserable as i had always thought.
he had his days, i'm sure, that he wanted more, and felt he had wasted. but also, i'm sure, in his own way, he was happy -- or at least ok, with what he had.

i guess what i'm trying to say is-- sometimes i think i might sound all pitiful on here. lonely even. but i'm not. there are of course days that i wish i could-- or would-- DO more. some days the pain prevents that-- and some days the depression prevents that-- and some days-- I myself just don't want to get UP. maybe some days i can't.
but no days are wasted. yesterday i was down on myself for bein so lazy i caused myself pain--- i felt like i wasted the entire day-- because i had a list a mile long of what i SHOULD be doing.
in the end--- i once again, spent an entire day with my kid. not on the computer, not in my office screwin around with banks and bills and bs. not out runnin errands and coming home bitchy and sore etc. but i had a day with my kid. and my hubby. we talked, we laughed, and we just had a day together with minimal distractions.

maybe all those days i thought my brother was wasting --- were days that he was making memories for those of us he left behind --- at a young age. maybe if not for the worrying about him-- he would have gone unnoticed. i don't know. my brother was a guy in his own group of people. he made an impact on people that he was never aware of. not even me-- until it was too late.
i miss my brother-- and if i could change some things-- i would go back and do it in a heartbeat. but i can't. and maybe he wouldn't want me to. i learned more from him, than he ever could have taught me knowingly. maybe that's how it's supposed to be.

anyways-- i'm rambling.
it's the end of the year thing. i just get 'this way' this time of year. i can't help it. it's kinda like in the movies , when they show all the flashback scenes in someones mind. it just happens sometimes to me like that. but the end of the year-- without fail.
some years it is like watching a horror movie. this year, for some reason, i seem to be watching a different movie. same scenes at times. but , i don't know-- not as painful? or horrible? it just feels different. i think i am finally seeing the 'lessons' in it all.
and that could be a wonderful thing.
cuz someone told me once
"until you learn the lesson, you are gonna keep on goin through the same thing over and over."

and i'll tell ya folks---- my life has been one 'test ' after another. i am sooo ready to learn the lesson and move on-- you just don't know. maybe i'm finally gettin there.
i hope so!

anyhow-- on that, i have to get ready to go to the dentist. yep-- one of my favorite things, and yours, i know. bleh.
but hey-- it's a deep scale clean, and i'll tell ya-- i sure could use it.
i LOVE the way my mouth feels after that. well, at least til after i smoke about half a pack of cigs. then it's all over with.

anybody have their new years resolutions planned yet?
let's hear em eh?

hugs to y'all, and hope you have happy days in your worlds today!!!!!!

phew - it's ovah

another boring video for your viewing pleasure :))

i hope you all had the best Christmases you could have ever wanted!
(for once - i have no complaints.
we had a really good day :))

now i will be even happier to take it ALL down, box it up, and forget all the hooplah
for a whole 'nuther YEAR!

HAPPY NEW YEAR PEOPLES :))

Happy Christmas peoples !!!!!

i hope you all are havin a wonderfulllllllll day !!!!!!!

i may have a 'part 2 later' - from Audreys' camera
so come on back now- ya heah :))

it's snowing !

there's eevee -
refusing to pee outside.
she goes out and comes right back in !
(i'm not the only one who hates the cold.)

that's my front yard.

that's my back yard

there's soulman, pretending to not be afraid to mess up
three days pay worth of lobster tomorrow :))
- them things are HUGE! -
obviously we decided against turkey for Christmas
after the Thanksgiving day meal fail.

there's sushi, scopin out the delightful lobstah -
little does she know, that if it's claws weren't banded -
it could take her nose right OFF !
but she is lookin very forward to her first taste of the lovely crustacean.
(well, if it doesn't get her first :))

and don't forget the true meaning folks :))
fo-shizzle :))

you want an update on yesterdays mood fail? here's a hint...

good- soulkid admitted what happened with the lamp-- i was speechless, cuz i soo expected a lie i was ready to fight. so i thanked her for bein honest and dropped it.

bad-- then a while later, i went back to bed-- to 'start my day over' -- i slept a couple hours , only to be awakened by soulkid---- with not good news, but nuthin i can write about right now. let's just say--- it made for a rough rest of the day, and night.

ugly = the bad, was not something i could- or should have handled alone -- so , soulman got called in, and well. hmmmm.

yup-- today was better.
cept i been fightin the urge to go take a nap for the last three hours. i don't know why i don't just go do it. bleh.

i mean....

HO HO HO
MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!

see you folks tomorrow , maybe-- or the next day.
be happy, be warm, and be safe-
i'm thinkin bout all of ya!

when good moods go bad

epic soul-fail ahead

hiya peeps-

i reckon i should prolly not bother postin today, but i have noticed i have folks comin by checkin for updates, so i figured i may as well throw somethin up.

so. ya ready? off we go.

i actually slept in a bit this mornin, so i felt ok. cept for the fact- my buddy, my pain, was right there with me. i think i'll come up with a name for my partner. we seem to spend more and more time together. yesterday, in fact, right in the middle of shopping with my family , i spent the second half of the outing in the car, alone, while they finished up. my legs gave out, my back gave out, and the headache and nausea followed. gawd i'm a joy to be around. meds didn't touch any of it. and i was totally ruined for the rest of the day.

i did manage to sit with the family- and audrey, and soulkids boyfriend, later in the night, and watch a movie though. still nursing a friggin migraine from hell. but i did well-- at least i think so-- in not cry babying about it-- .
we watched

'500 days of summer'

soulkids pick-- but a good movie
- i was happy i stayed up to watch.-

i was up til well after midnight tho, and y'all know this ole lady is normally in bed well before 9 on a normal night... some nights it can be as early as 7 when i am not feeling well. so 'sleepin in til after 7, wasn't really sleepin in. so even though i felt good - for the most part, wakin up... i don't spose i have to tell ya, it didn't last long for that mood to fade. do i?
it's 10:45 now, and i been wantin to go back to bed for two hours already.
i can't tho. too much to do. so i really must find some way to motivate. how? that's the question.

are ya wondering what sent me in the downward spiral? well, i was actually doin ok-- until-- audrey informed that one of my really pretty lamps-- antique - with hand painted globes-- i have two, that my sister gave me--- well i let audrey put one in her room upstairs when she got here.... anyhow-- she's been gone at her job for 2 or 3 weeks--- she got back yesterday to stay for christmas--- she tells me this morning---
just so ya know - I didn't do it, but your lamp upstairs, is broken-- the GLOBE! i can't replace that! WTF! i must say-- i am utterly pissed off--- and you know the first thing that came to my mind don't ya? yup--
"can't have nuthin!"
i just can't.
simple as a friggin lamp-- did i go look? oh hell no. i don't even wanna see it.
this is why i don't even want 'stuff'
can't keep it anyhow--
it gets broken or stolen or somethin anyhow.
grrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

so anyhow--
i just kinda sat here all bitchy and quiet for a while. then i realized i can't do a thing about it. soulkid will only deny it. i can't prove anything. i didn't see who broke it. i haven't even been upstairs in two weeks. all i know is.... yeh. you know.
i'm tired of being sentimental. maybe i'll stick to the mental part. i'm pretty good at that.

well, i think i better get UP and do something productive.. before my 'giveashitometer' breaks :))

have happy days peoples!

are you ready to ruuuuuummmmbble!!!!???

howdy folks--- how it be peoples?
here? welp, i am literally down to the wire, and fixin ta hang myself in it !



anybody who's gettin anything in the mail from me-- you already know it-- so-- you also know-- it aint makin it by christmas. sorry. it 'should' make it on a truck or plane by this afternoon. but that , my friends, is the best i could do.
if the stupid folks i ordered from woulda got it to me when they were sposed to--- it might have made it-- well except the stuff to london. it mighta made it. but there's no tellin when that stuff will get there. but i would be interested to know -- smocha-- so tell me when ya get it. k.



i also have a few 'small ' gifts for a few other folks.... 4 to be exact. unfortunately-- my own laziness-- ok-- can i use my week long cold as the excuse for that one?? can't i? there's 4 of y'all that would have gotten at least a little gift-- but , they were 'perishable'. and in the fridge. and, even tho-- they are still there... unopened.... i don't think another-- 4 days in the mail will do them any good at all. so please , accept our apologies, and know that you were thought of. and know that one will go to the neighbor family, who's ole guy died, and the rest i will donate along with a turkey and a few other stuffs to the church-- in time for christmas. (this time - soulkid asked to do that-- i think it's awesome-- she is getttin to be such a great kid).
ehem... on occasion of course :)) she's still one of those 'things' we call teen-agers.
--- i wonder if they call em 'agers' cuz they add so many years to their parents? i swear i find more gray in my hair by the DAY.

ok to change the subject-
i came across this video:
it is soooooo CUTE!
i couldn't resist but to share it.

of course it is digitally altered- i watched how they made it
but i didn't wanna spoil the fun by showin ya how they did it. :))

this one is just some skaters i came across-- but i wanted you to see how much funnier
this type of thing can be when it's someone that you know-
like the one below this one.




i can't say who exactly this is-- the name is not real-- obviously---- but we do know this kid-- and he is just as funnny as he looks :))
ps-- apparently this injury didn't affect "anything" permanently. :))




can y'all tell i have nuthin to say?
all i gotta say is i am soooo out of time to do anything i can't stand it.
i did pretty much complete my to-do list the other day. well all except mail my stuff-- cuz i got to the post office too late. and what else? oh.. my cleaning-- ha! does that surprise you? i thought not. soulman cleaned the kitchen - bless his heart.
but -- that still leaves tons for me to do over the next day or two.
ugh-- i need a maid. anybody think the VA would pay for me a maid-- umm, 'domestic help' for my disability? i outta look into that.
but-- until then.. i still have to make this place presentable-- and make room in my office to open presents. erg. y'all oughtta see this place. not really. i'd be embarrassed if you did. it is clutter city, usa. ugh.
i don't even know how it happened. i blinked i spose. my office is usually the cleanest room in the house. even it is a disaster area now.
somebody haelP me.

and nooooo - not my house-
hijacked from the 'hoarders' website.
that tv show is downright sad , and disgusting.
but that pic is what i FEEL like.
even tho i'm no where close to that.

so anyhow, folks, i must get my day started--
hope you all are happy today--
hope you get all your stuff 'to do' done, and can relax over the next few days-

catchya latah-----

i don't know where to begin

does that surprise you?
not me.
i never really do 'know' where to begin, i usually just start writing, and if i'm lucky-- something usually turns into an ok post by the time i'm done rambling.

so. if you're ready for a mystery carpet ride-- let's roll. shall we?



i'm not sure when you stumbled in, but for me? it's , at this moment in time, 4:39 a.m.
i wish i could say i just got up. but nope. i been up since 12:45 a.m. just one-a-those things. pain. nothin new. but it sure is gettin to be more frequent. i used to wake up too early for other reasons.. like nightmares, or just plane ole insomnia. the past few months... i wake up in the grips of pain. sometimes i just reach for a pill, and occasionally am able to go back to sleep. but i recently decided (or remembered) that is not the brightest of ideas for me to keep pain, or sleep meds near my bed at night. i never used to.
that was actually one of the few lasting lessons that my mother taught me. even way back before i even took any long term meds, hell i was only like 12 or 14. but she mentioned somethin nonchalantly kinda, aboout how dangerous it can be to leave 'strong meds' near your bed at night. because you could wake up and take one-- then repeat, without realizing it. or take too many without knowing it.
so yeh, when i did begin to take strong meds... that 'voice' went in my head, and told me not to leave my meds by my bed.


and ya know-- that's prolly a bit of advice that has proly done me more than a little bit of good over the years.


so--- what am i gettin at-- if i didn't already say it? bleh. i woke up at like 12:30-12:45 - ish, soulman wasn't in bed yet-- i heard soulkid out here, and my back was frekin killin me. i got up to take a pain pill, and when i came out here, soulkid wanted to talk-- so i did. then soulman, came in (the office) and talked with us a while. next thing i knew--
i had coffee (cuz it helps with the pain meds to ease my pain at times)and the family soon went to bed. and here i was, wide awake -- most likely for the day. if not the better part of it.



so anyhow. anyone wonderin what i've been doin for the last almost four hours?
i'm not sure i could tell ya. i made my list for the day-- well, at least for my outside stuff.. like bank- post office- pharmacy- store- that kinda stuff. then i have to come home and clean... every-thing. the entire house looks like hell ran thru. since when did my to do list become an extreme sport!?





and audrey is coming tomorrow (sunday- not saturday) - to stay for christmas etc. this place looks like crap. not to mention not havin any food in the place-- well, i guess i could say little food-- cuz i did get some the other day on base.



what else have i been doin? ummm, not much. chain smokin of course. lookin at stuff i need to finish wrapping so i can get it ready to mail when the post office opens.
i did a lot of my shoppin online this year. i gotta tell ya-- i am highly disappointed in what i ended up with. i only did this once before-- and that was 2 or 3 years ago-- cuz my body and mind weren't cooperating. i shoulda learned from that time. did i? oh hell no. folks still do it-- and talk of the time and money they save... so i figured that week i was sick, i would get some things out of the way by shoppin online. i will NEVER do it again. even tho i didn't pay dollar store prices--- i swear i bet i might have found better gifts at the dollar store. so anyone who gets a gift they don't like? i really am sorry. picture it in your mind 50 percent bigger, better, faster, stronger-- and that is what it was sposed to be. and never tell me again how great YOUR online shopping experiences are-- cuz i am not that lucky. i get robbed every time.
but-- like i said-- the stuff will be mailed from here-- due to shipping not bein split -- today -- saturday... when and if i get UP and OUTTA heah. hopefully early. i am not lookin forward to crowds of today. y'all know i do not like people. or crowds, or noise.
i am agoraphobic in every sense of the word. i really wish i never had to leave my house or face people. i can't like it-- at all.

i need about four of these to 'haul stuff'

and, for those who don't know-- nope -- i haven't always been this way. i used to be shy-- but still-- i was spontaneous, outgoing, and friendly... and FUN!!!
now? i'd be happier in a cave off a deserted island -- as long as it was warm... and i had a monkey-- or 'something' to talk to. not so much a people tho.




so-- have i rambled enough yet?
i bet i forgot something i was plannin on tellin ya. something maybe more positive?
uplifting?

i could tell ya this much--- i have been really enjoying the company of soulkid lately.
if y'all remember-- a year or two ago-- we barely spoke to each other. hell we barely LOOKED at each other.
thanks to every single one of you who prayed for her-- and for me and soulman too.
some of you may even have been lurkers that i still don't even know about-- but i know-- lurkers pray for peeps too-- we all know that, right?

so thanks folks. your prayers saved my daughter, and our family. don't stop now. k?




and ehem-- donna --- why you thankin me, in the below post?
i must say-- we -- the soul-clan-- thank YOU too !

and all the other active duty--and vets -- who did and do their part -- for all of us in this country- and others.

and ya know what? a special thanks to those who want to serve and have reasons beyond their control, that won't allow them to join.
(my brother would have gave his right arm to be in the ARMY. his 'problems" wouldn't allow that. and it broke his heart, almost all of his adult life for it.)

ok-- shuttin my mouth--umm fingers now.

happy -- oh so close to christmas --- today in your worlds---
get up--and get er done peeps-

winter break - vs. - Christmas vacation? WTH

hiya peeps-- how goes it?

here? well, i was just sittin here, doin my morning ritual of the ole "smoke-n-choke". when it occurred to me, that today is the last day of school before "Christmas vacation". that's what it has been to me all of my life, and i imagine that is what i will always call it. of course-- our delightful spirit filled government-- hence, the public school system -- has over the years, come to prefer the term "winter break".

well. howdaya like them apples?
personally? i don't like it at all.
i don't like what this country has been doing, or is doing to 'our kids' for the last prolly 20 years, as a matter of fact.
they say 'this is a democracy'. here in the good ole US of A.
well, correct me if i'm wrong: but i don't remember any votes to remove God or prayer or patriotism from school... or even the word Christmas!

-- but , well, bad me--- i really haven't , and don't really keep up on politics too much. i'm gettin a little better, but that didn't really even begin until Bush (JR) was elected. so yeh, i feel a little guilty to sit and bitch.
but ya know what else?
i also feel that my time in the military -- and the part of 'me' that i gave them, physically, emotionally, and even mentally-- that i won't get back-- plus the pride and patriotism that i gave willingly and still feel.. is worth something. a partial right to bitch? if nothin else.
so. allow me to continue.

winter break?
what kinda shit is that?

winter program?
why have a Christmas program -- if they won't let the word Christ-mas -- even be used in it?

and patriotism... kids these days-- they have NONE. they mumble through the pledge of allegiance-- only because they're told to all their life. they don't even know why they do it. or what it means. to them, or anyone else.

you are prolly wonderin where the hell this little rant even came from aren't ya?
well, i'll tell ya.

i told y'all that soulkid and i had some business to take care of yesterday- right?
well... part of that was - to go to the reserve base out here, and get ID cards-- afterwards -- to go to the commissary, and the exchange-BX for those of you who know it as that.
(well, just so ya know-- i didn't even know until a couple weeks ago that i , as a disabled vet had these rights to use these services... i have to tell ya i was thrilled-- you wouldn't believe the money we saved at the stores over there. i feel blessed- that's for sure.
anyhow-- back to my story.
soulkid FINALLY - after literally years, of trying to get her to understand what the military is all about, and what these people do, and sacrifice for her- and this country--- she FINALLY saw it in action, and she felt the pride i have been trying to get her to just feel a tiny bit of, for years.
the soldier that did our ID cards was a marine. she kept saying yeh, when he would ask her questions. finally i began correcting her-- i said 'yes' would be the answer. he wasn't an officer, so i didn't expect her to call him 'sir', but she added that on her own.
later-- i told her-- cuz she kept forgetting-- saying yeh, etc, i said -- he's probably been in combat, just to keep YOU safe"
he said "i have"
he was a young man, maybe not quite thirty.
you could see her pride for him just in her body language. she sat up taller, not one more yeh, and she thanked him.

after we got our id cards we drove onto the base, she saw barracks, and airplanes and helicopters etc... both me and her dad were in aviation while on active duty. she asked me to point out which planes and helos we worked on.

she never ever showed interest- or asked questions before yesterday.
i was proud of her to finally take notice of what our service men and women actually do-- and to be interested enough to ask questions about their lifestyle-- here-- and "over there"

as far as school goes--- they don't teach these kids to love God or their country-- and that is a terrible shame. it's sad even.

soulkid texted a male friend of hers while we ate lunch on the base-- talking of things she was excited about...
his response?
"i would rather work at mcdonalds , than be a marine.'

i told her-- tell him i am bursting with pride over his patriotism.
sarcastically of course.

anyhow--
i don't know if that makes sense or not-- i think i'm just rambling.. it's gettin late and i gotta get the kid to school in a few-

just needed to rant a little on how much is being forgotton, just because of 'church and state" bs.

our kids are actually hungry to know God, and Patriotism...
without it in our schools, it is up to us as parents to guide them.
don't forget-- they are our future.
our high school kids now?
our confused about God, non trusting in our government- not understanding patriotism, kids--
if they don't learn to understand now-- and really feel it in their lives?

this whole world is gonna go straight to hell quicker than we even think it is goin now.

so-- on that happy note-
i have to go-

happy fridayyyyyy peoples

who knew? not i

howdy peoples --


can y'all believe that? i wish i coulda found a bigger picture. not only for a better view, but also for a design idea for soulman to build such a contraption.

i betya wonder why in the world he/we would want to , right?
well, ya see.... once upon a time, soulkid was a bike ridin fool. she was 5 years old, had her first bike, loved to ride. the training wheels came off, and one day, her and soulman got a little risky, and decided to go a bit too fast for a new rider.
obviously you can guess what happened, right? yep--- she crashed and burned. bad.
luckily she had a helmet on, but the rest of her didn't fare too well. nothing broken, but she got the fear put into her. so much so-- she's never been back on a bike since !!!
well, not until a few weeks ago. a month or two actually. but she decided to 'try' to ride her boyfriends bike at his birthday party-- apparently, that didn't work out too well. another, crash and burn. no injury-- other than bruised pride-- and somehow a broken bike chain. needless to say-- she was mortified. vowing to simply never learn to ride a bike.
well, until her and her dad had their road trip a few weeks ago, to Austin. they cruised thru the college campus out there... one of soulkids top choices of schools to attend. she saw a bunch of 'kids' riding bikes. to and from classes, around town, etc.
(i didn't know about any of this til last night when she and i were gettin food at sonic- and were chatting). so anyhow-- she is talkin about how important it is to her 'now' to learn to ride a bike. even tho-- we have tried to get her to learn for years-- she found it easier to just avoid it-- rather than face her fear and deal with it.
i told her i have no problem at all buying you a bike, i would love for you to learn.
BUT-- she started talkin about 'training wheels!" i kid you not! i tried so hard not to laugh at the poor kid. but c'mon folks. she's almost 16 years old. that's just not a good image in my mind. i 'see' people teasing her-- or at minimum, thinking she has a 'problem'.
finally, i couldn't hold it in anymore. i had to tell her--- "they're gonna laugh at you"
ugh. not an easy thing to do 'to' your kid.
i told her , just bite the bullet and do it.
she's afraid. what can i do?


she starts drivers ed. in like two weeks, and the poor girl is afraid to get on a bike.
i was BMX qualified at 10 years old. of course- i wasn't allowed to follow my dreams when i was a kid. but i was damn good on a bike-- and so was her dad. i thought that stuff was inherited. guess not.

so. hmmmm. what to do? what to do?

what's next?

HAPPY SWEET 16 SOULKID!

yeh i thought not.
how do ya throw a kid outta the pan and into the fire?
she actually does know how to drive , and does ok... just not in traffic---yet.

this bike thing, has me concerned tho.
haelp.

surely there's someone out there who was a late bloomer.
or not.
back in 'our day' i lived on my bike.

at least she has the want to --
finally

oh hell, i don't know-- just thought i'd throw that out there- just want some ideas. or not. maybe i just didn't have anything else to say.

so, anyhow-- have great days out there folks--
me and the kid have some business to do-- so we'll just be hangin out and runnin errands and such today-- prolly freezin. :((
i have to pump gas too. the only thing i hate worse than pumpin gas?
is doin it when it's cold or windy -- or both. ugh.

and would you believe in texas ya have to be 16 to pump gas ????
WTH? my mom was slavin us to pump her gas by SIX!!!

anyhow-- again---
happy thursday -----

and thanks to all who've sent us cards--- it's so awesome !
we even got one 'special made' "to the soul-clan" haha we all thought that was pretty special. ummmm.... mary. but i didn't say nuthin.

cept i wish i could get my scanner to work so i could show it to y'all. it's cute!

alrighty then. i must wake my child and hit the road soon.

busy day -- but here i am -- miss you

hope it was a good one --

laterz peeps-

Merry-nating in my misery

howdy folks-
been a couple days - howaya?

brenda made the comment that we are alike on some days, because she 'mildews'. i found that funny, because one of my lines is that' i'm marinating in my misery".




i don't know, just made me chuckle.
you all did, with your comments below.
i really do know i can be immature and bratty at times. but i guess my 'old timers' know that pretty well by now. and looky -- y'all still put up with it. so i reckon, it maybe irritates you less than it does me. even if only by a little bit.

my mind is like a sponge for (life-long) memories at this time of year ya know. and anything new that happens that hits my sad button, well, it makes everything seem worse.
not that anything is even actually bad at all. for now. it's all in my head-- all the past bad things, bad times, loss, memories, that kind of thing. if only i could put the past away and learn how to live in today i would have a wonderful life, i really would. i really actually, DO.




so, what messed it up this time. well.. y'all know about the 9th. right. if ya don't, that's cuz ya missed a few posts. and i aint goin over it again. so back - track about 5 or 6 or so posts and you may find it.
anyhow-- surprisingly - ON the 9th, and 10th i had some exceptionally bad days. and i allowed myself to stay in the pit of them for a few more. hell, i was sick, i had a good excuse. i really did feel crappy, so did everyone else. it was easy to not get UP.
so i didn't.

well, until, sunday. that's when i actually did motivate - somewhat , and finished up my shopping. well, for the most-part. i never really finish til the last minute- there's this or that i see here or there that i just have to get while i'm out. ya know?
anyhow. yeh on sunday...it didn't devastate me, but it sure did take the wind outta my sales for a while. i had a couple cards and mail that came here for the old folks who lived here before. we bought the house from them, and the old lady moved next door with her grand-daughter and her family- while the old man moved in with his son-- as they built their new house-- which was to be finished within days of today. days.
well several days ago, a flower delivery guy had come over, and i just told him to take em next door. after he left me and soulman looked at each other-- and at the same time-- just having 'that look' he said 'wow, i hope nuthin bad happened'. i told him i was thinkin the same thing, and then 'why do we think so negative all the time'.

so. back to sunday. i took the mail over. i also asked (the grand-daughter) - this being the first time she and i had even spoken to each other. up until then, i had thought she was her daughter. but anyhow, i have spoken to the old lady several times. i didn't quite know how to bring it up so i just asked--
did you get the flowers the other day?'
she said ,'oh yes, thanks.'
i asked
' it wasn't for anything bad, was it?"
and she stepped out of her door at that moment- and said almost in a whisper-
"paw-paw died."
it was so strange. i had only talked to him a few times. he was somethin else too. skinny ole guy, wearin ole denim overalls. friendly guy. these folks had been married for-ever. their house was almost built. his design, his hands.
it wasn't sposed to be like this.
she said he was just playin with the kids on thanksgiving, playin football-- nothin major- the kids are small... no one expected a thing.
he just got sick.
apparently his colon busted. maybe they didn't catch it in time??/
who knows?
but yeh. he got extremely ill, and it killed him. i assume he got septic? maybe. she wasn't sure, and i sure aint either.
but it was sad.
and of course i am sad for that family. they were soooo close. big family,. like the waltons.
when we moved in there was a path worn to the dirt where they had all walked back and forth between the two homes so many times the grass just wouldn't grow anymore. the grass is grown over the path now, paw paw is gone now, maw maw is gonna move into her new house soon- alone.
it's not a happy ending. and i can't like it.




i saw my shrink yesterday and told her what's been goin on lately, what's on my mind etc. she said it's all 'normal' stuff.
so i reckon that's a good thing, to have human emotions, and not have to worry about cracking up.

so i reckon i'll just roll with it-- if y'all can deal with it- that makes it all the better.



oh, one more thing-- for any of you folks who got cards from me-- i am NOT Stacey :))
that would be soulMAN

brenda would be my "name" -- i do like soul better tho-
but Donna- it's ok for you to call me brenda. only you tho :))

hoping you all have happy days today in your worlds ---
i think i'll just be lazy in mine (again)
:))