OK FOLKS, SO I'M BACK. AGAIN. FOR THE THIRD TIME.

well hell. i thought i posted this last night... apparently, i did not. it was saved to drafts. i was sleep posting when soulman came to bed and nagged me til i turned it off. i wasn't even smokin. but, my neck was twisted in a most painful position, and he knew it hurt me just by lookin at it. no tellin how long i sat there with my head laid over sideways like a rag-doll. owwwww.
so anyhow. i kept tryin to finish the post, but i kept fallin asleep, kept gettin nagged at...and finally shut down and went to sleep. which i'm sure was the best thing i coulda done. i'm sure i woulda got assy very soon if i didn't shut up when i did.


(anyways-- there's a little blabbering in the comments below.. other than that-- i reckon i will toss this up--and either work on another-- or go say hi to you folks. not sure which.. cuz as usual for lately-- i'm just tired.



in fact-- when i saw soulkid yesterday, she asked if i had a black eye! i said no, i'm just sportin the old lady bags.. you like? she didn't. poor kid carries too much. we'll get back there later.-- )

--- return to last nights babble---on----

SPOT SAYS
HAPPY NOT CHRISTMAS ANYMORE !!!

let's see if we can get a productive post out of me this time , shall we? yes, let's. no. i am not talkin to myself -- i'm talkin to you. whoever you are. wherever you are.

so, first, i'll tell ya, i'm a little distracted at the moment..no, not by the hot christmas fairy-- but doesn't he look like somethin you'd love to find under your tree on christmas morning?? or perhaps christmas eve.. for those non morning people?? :)) i do believe he could cure anybodys grinchness. i wonder if he does dishes.

i'm actually distracted cuz i'm eatin some leftover turkey; smoked perfectly on the big green egg -- ohhh yum! it soo beats the hell out of government cheese and peanut butter. have you ever had the pleasure of government commodities? hmmmm. well, the cheese isn't bad really. get into the "meat", and ya just gotta wonder.... wth it truly is. ya know? alien liver? sheep clone brain loaf? only God knows.. but it can't possibly be legit meat. that mooed, or clucked, or any of those farm song sounds. nope it's obviously some man made goop. or maybe even man. but it aint no animal. or meat. ugh.
ok let's get movin on.

Another distraction? some sirens just stopped blaring like right outside my back yard. which, over the fence is a junior high school, and a two lane/two direction street, and a four way stop intersection. somethin is always goin on out there. the other day i was sittin here-- at my desk in my office, and heard a car wreck. first, the skidding rubber locked and burning on the road; then came the anticipatory wait... and there it was... the crunch of metal to metal when the two vehicles collided. ugh. always better than a THUD. always. especially due to where i live. one block down, about six months ago, a kid was hit and killed by a car there. the driver was only nineteen years old. the kid was stoned, the driver was not. his life will never be the same.

(speakin of cars---- note the new "2009 KIA SOUL"" -- if i could ever get out from under this car of mine i would get the soul. ugh. i think i failed to mention in my car bitch post-- i am like 7 grand upside down in my car i have now. it's sickening. i like that "soul" car -- how cool would that be?? if any one of you gets it - you have to tell me FIRST! ok?)

hmmm. that came from no where. sort of. but not really. i tend to think about that sort of stuff a lot these days. how how cheerful and holiday - ish. right? well. i'm sorry. that's just the way it is. and that's why i'm so glad that all the hoopla is over and done with, and i don't have to pretend to be happy and smiley all the time anymore.
i can go back to bein the same ole bitch i always was. people can tell me everywhere i go to "smiiile".. and i can tell them to "shoooove it". and we'll just all be on our merry way.









i gotta ask ya though before we go on... just what could be cooler than a soul car? well other than a soul car-- made by someone other than kia. feast yo eyes ballz upon this----

it's a dad-gum soul-phone !!! OMG!! i could scream like a teenage girl at a boy band concert ! a soul car AND a soul phone ! i want them both. i can't have either. but i can want all i want. and i want those.







i bet you're wondering why i'm bein such a bitch aren't ya? well, first, i don't want to tell you. but second, i can't keep not tellin ya-- and continue to blog. at least not if i want readers-- or especially "friends who happen to read here" . because just in case you haven't noticed... the writing... or in y'alls cases the reading.. i guess, has kinda gone to hell over the last few months. won't you agree? it's ok, go ahead, agree.



i think i'm ready to tell ya why that is. in case i at least think ya don't already know. i have a feelin at least one of you has figured it out by now. maybe i'm wrong, but i don't know. i just have a feeling this person knows me pretty well. and i don't have to say much for her to pick up on stuff. never know tho. but she hasn't asked, and i haven't said.




so--- if you can't tell, yes , i am stalling. -- but even i didn't notice it til just now.
what will i do about that? well, i just got me a box of cracker jacks out of my christmas stocking, and after i get over the shock of just how cheap-ass they got with the surprise inside, i guess i will get back to where i was going.








ok. where was i? ahhh yes. something has been goin on out here. something big. something hurtful, and scary. and something that i guess i never thought i would have to deal with in my life. but i suppose, that as parents, we never expect to face a lot of things when it comes to our kids. do we?



we know there will be possibilities that they might make poor decisions at times. or bring home some bad grades now and again. a daughter may get pregnant too soon, or ask for "the pill" much younger than you'd ever dreamed she might. a son, maybe he'll join the military before finishing high school. or marry too young. or even himself end up with a baby at 16 or 15.
parents do consider these things might happen. but isn't it moreso in a maybe, but not my kid, kind of way? we might have a "just in case" speech tucked away for the day our 16 year old comes home pregnant. or maybe wants to quit school.



how many of us are ever really ready to face, live with, and accept, protect, fight with, forgive, and help, a fourteen year old drug addict???? how many moms and dads -- really know what the hell to do in that situation? when you're lied to? stolen from? pushed away? yelled at? disrespected? over and over and over and over, again-- until you can't sleep at night, in fear of the kid climbing out the window? getting in a car with older kids and going too far away-- getting in trouble, getting arrested, getting killed, getting raped, getting too stoned and just flat out getting her dumb ass pregnant?? how many are truly ready to live like that? to love a person that you would just as soon punch in the face, and shoot everyone she's ever associated with in the head??? how can a parent love someone so damn much that they would kill or die for them, yet their deepest desire is to run as far away as possible to spare herself from the emotional devastation around her?? who on this earth is ever ready-- or even willing for that?
that's what i thought.


and who, is ready, to blab all of it to the world? friends. neighbors. strangers. acquaintances. anybody? i don't think anyone is.



so, that's where i'm at folks.. all you friends. neighbors. strangers, and acquaintances. and. that is why my writing, and your reading has sucked here lately. because my world has been falling apart, and i have been trying to keep it a secret. if you haven't noticed, i am not a very good liar. i am not even a very good secret keeper. or half-fiction writer. when somethin is wrong in my life that i don't want --or refuse-- to talk about... it just makes itself be known, somehow. this time, i gave serious thought to shuttin down altogether. just not write at all. but y'all know i can't do that. i wrote here for months without anyone even reading it. that's still funny to me. what's funnier is that so many people found me. and stayed. and still like me. omg, some even met me, and still like me. some are related to me and still friggin like me.


when i started this thing--- i woulda-- and i prolly did--tell ya-- the whole world was against me and i meant every bit of it. i don't feel like that today.
nope. i just feel like God's out to get me. LOL. a joke y'all. i have to keep my sense of humor. that, and write. without either, i would surely keel over. which means i need YOU too. cuz, without y'all.. i would be right back where i was before. alone. agoraphobic. in my head. not fishin, not laughin, not functioning , ole soul.



little do you know it, but y'all have made me a stronger person this passed year or two. however long it's been. i could name names, but i won't do that. i believe each one of you has added your own special ingredient to make me this new "soul". and without each of you-- i wouldn't have made it through this last year.



i have shared a lot of "this" with my very best friend in the world-- and you all know who she is-- i'm still not sayin her name. :)) and recently, i have leaked some, here and there to a couple others. when i learned of some of this stuff, i did write here about it-- but the more serious it got-- the more i shut down.. or internalized it. but, still, the majority of my friends here, don't know what's been happening. not everything. not why i may sound..write..read...not write or read--or talk----or act-- (in a sense)-- differently.


am i stalling again? i feel like i'm repeating myself. dammit. not on purpose. you know, just kinda goin around in circles. i just catch it now and then. anyhow--
i'm obviously gettin to-- or talkin about soulkid here. before school got out-- may-- april-- i don't even know anymore. it just kinda happened. while it happened it was all in slow motion. but standing here today, looking back... it seems like a flash in time. but i swear, soulman and i both have aged ten years in the last six months. and all three of us, as individuals, and as a family, have walked through hell, and got burped back up----- TWICE. and hell is still chewin this time. we're just waitin on the next big belch.


but hey, we're doin the best we can. and better than that? so is soulkid. no longer do i want to run away. soulman doesn't either. i'm pretty sure soulkid won't be runnin away either. there has been times that each of us were ready to go our own seperate ways--on more than one occasion. it's hard to stay in a situation like this---- but when it comes to the nitty gritty -- it's even harder to walk away from it.


there's been helplessness, hopelessness, argueing, fighting, threatening, everything from shouting and throwing things, to silence and the big big words like, "leave" , "divorce" , "move", and "ship her off to gramma."


she did change schools... more like, we allowed her to, at her request -- but against MY better judgement.
y'all know about the geographical change thing though right?? but-- as it happens --she seemed to have followed herself.. along with her problems... and now she is in inpatient rehab for drug treatment. along with that, comes family counseling-- not only her personal counseling, and NA meetings, etc. she attends regular schoool in there as well.



she was allowed to come home for christmas-- for a five hour pass. subtract driving time ---- i saw my daughter on christmas day for four hours. not counting the alone time she spent "doin her thang" in her room. blasting the not missed music through the walls, putting the not allowed in rehab make-up on, primpin with the hair-do, and whatever else it is she does in that place she calls home. prolly changed clothes five hundred times. :))
then she came out and actually watched a dvd with us-- that was a first, in an extremely loooong time. we felt connected. and it was good. i was happy. well, as happy as i could be under the circumstances. but, i didn't feel that disconnect--or distance-- or claustrophobia-- that has smothered me for the past several years. it was the best christmas in this house in a long time. and it had nothin to do with money, or going somewhere, it was just us, and a pretty modest gift exchange. well... the kid got a nice camera-- but that's what credit-- i mean debt-- is for-- right? the rest, she was happy with.. even tho it wasn't like some other years. me and souldad never care about our gifts.. 15 or zero-- it's about her -- she was happy-- we were happy.



i don't know, but nobody fought, nobody yelled, we all got along, we smiled and laughed and hugged, and it was a good day. it was hard to say goodbye. she didn't want me to ride in the car-- but not in a mean way-- it's a control thing... a radio thing. you know teenagers. so i stayed here. and i really didn't mind. y'all know i hate traffic, and loud music, i was fine not goin, and so was she.

------that was yesterday -----

----below is today-- and more stuff to bore you with ----
----ya may wanna take a break about now.---

today, at 3, we had a family counseling session. i kind of knew what to expect, because last sunday, we had one as well. that was our first one since she got in there. it did not go well. at all. and i will take the hit for that. just as i did today with her counselor and her. i don't really know why--- i opened my mouth-- we fought for an hour. that was sunday. then tuesday-- for visitation... again--- i opened my mouth--- we fought--- the babysitter person.. "intervened" -- we left the visit thirty minutes early. i have to say, i expected today's session to kill me.










i went hesitantly but tried very hard to not go in there defensively. i think i handled myself well. she did too. actually, so did her dad. sometimes he will try to protect, or defend one of us-- usually her :)) -- this time he didn't talk unless or until the counselor asked him to. and as far as my kid or i yelling or fighting-- it just didn't happen. maybe a couple raised voices in defense, but we each caught ourselves and backed back down.



i really did kind of know what to expect, and that was only because her counselor had told me that she was going to read me a 7 page letter she had written me. (as part of her therapy--that i will reply to--there is a format to follow) . so , for days, and part of why i was worried about christmas being tense, i've been waiting to get blasted in this "meeting".
on the way over there, i told soulman, "i bet i coulda wrote this letter, i know what she's gonna say."


and i did. i didn't get to see the letter-- she didn't have time to read all of it to me. but the part she did read-- discuss-- etc, with me/us.. was exactly-- to a T -- what i was expecting her to "talk" about. i was proud of her though the way she delivered it. and for me, the way i handled it and didn't get defensive or arguementative with her. at least i don't think i did. it went nothing like i thought it would. i guess i can't say more than that. i expected a lot of anger and blame. and although i did get that-- it wasn't in as harsh a way as i expected.



so yep. that's my life for the last chunk of 2008...

and below is a bit of sleep bloggin for ya :))

well folks-- you gotta gimmee an a for cimmeean a firtkk3klllllll

i'll be right back -- aGAIN :]

so i'm a liar-- i'm back from the store-- i did get cigs-- i finished my coffee, but i played with google images instead of posting.
sorry.
aha!!! it finally stopped underlining!!! maybe that's a good sign??

anyhow--- i have an appointment i cannot be late for--- so i must get to that. i will be writing here when i get back. it may--- or may not be worth your wait. no tellin with me anymore---is there?
so anyways--
love you folks
i'll be back


soon as i find out what borsh is :))
in blog time... that's about 5pm central


latah peeps

//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
A.M. POST BELOW........

i know. i know.
( omg-- the damn underlining is back.)
erg!

anyhow-- i have run out of cigs, right in the middle-- more like beginning -- of my smoke and choke. i woke up with TWO cigs, and that just does not work out well. so. i must run to the store-- no not really run.. i'll be driving, cuz i'm lazy that way. but i will be back in a few minutes-- and update y'all on the holiday "festivities" up in heah .

i'm a piss poor blogger, i know. my apologies.
it's a resolution. one of many actually. just gimmee a chance. i'll get better.
ugh. how many times have i said that?
well, you don't need to answer really. cuz as many times as i've said it--- is as many times as the bottom fell out of my life.
but hey-- nuthin a cig won't help.
i shall return.

CHRISTMAS STUFF posted late-- due to stress, and a senile mind

i started this post yesterday-- i think. just never got around to puttin it up.
(but here's some more lovely possessed bold type for ya.. apparently, it'll go away when it feels like it.)

anyways--- i guess after i went to the store-- i left this one on the back burner-- and started the novella -- i guess sooner or later it will be posted above this one. i just thought i'd throw this up here to give y'all something to look at while i polished up the other one. yes , and made it even longer. i should prolly just never proofread or edit my posts. i bet they would be much shorter-- and prolly better. somehow. just a guess tho. but i always have to get my paws in there, and screw it all up. just like when i open my damn mouth, and screw everything up that way too-- like just a little while ago. ugh. somebody help me. kill me? drown me? shoot me? sew my lips shut? anything?
i don't know what has come over me lately-- i just never seem to say or do the right thing to or for anyone. it's just not good.

i already forgot the name of the below painting--
but it's "soul - somethin"
and i like it.
click the blue link, if ya want, and it'll take ya to
it, and more.
the gal is real good if you like that style.
kinda high dollar though. you won't see one on my wall.

susan tower www.susantower.com/soulpaintings


as for the video below-- it came out in the late 80's -- a christmas song... non traditional.. and not slow and boring. it's the kinks... anyhow-- it's there if ya wanna hear it-- if not-- don't bother.

hamburger burgermeister

well shit wth is wrong with this thing? i don't see this happen to anyone else. the blue, and mysterious underlining, or bold text. or whatever this thing decides to do.
see that? i didn't do nuthin to make it change or be blue or none of that.

but anyhow... who cares right?

i didn't come in here to bitch about that anyways. nope, i came in here to bitch about other stuff :))

just kiddin. i hope to not bitch about nuthin. this time. i actually don't know what i'm gonna say. i sure have been havin a hard time writin lately. seems there's just really nothin goin on worth tellin the world about, ya know.

i could tell ya that i did get my thyroid nucularly scanned today. i asked what the machine was called; it's a gamma camera. hmmmm. wasn't it gamma rays that made the hulk turn into the hulk?? interesting. the machine looks a lot like an MRI kinda sorta.


it didn't take very long to do the test. the first one was all waiting. once i got in there and took the pill, i was done. so it was literally a ten second appointment. but of course there was the lovely paperwork to do first too. that's always fun...and time consuming.
then we had to go back for the actual scans at 12:30. that took a while. maybe 35-45 minutes, then it was done. but still--- we have to go back and do it all over again tomorrow. woo hoo. well, all except the pill. at least i think not. hell, i don't even remember. i think it's just for more scans. i don't even care. i just wanna know if anything's there that i need to worry about, and if not, let me move the hell on down the road. ya know ?




ya know what? i lied. i do have to bitch. at least a little.

it's true. not only mine either. all of them. every last one that i come in contact with. let's send them all away somewhere til they're 18. no, make that 21. from twelve to twenty one teenagers can just go live somewhere else. we can even give them Hawaii. turn em loose out there, with the sand and the sun and the surf and the pot and all the trouble they can find. maybe if they don't jump into an active volcano we will get them back when they aren't idiots anymore. hmmm. it's a thought.

so. i bet everyone is all ready for christmas right? groceries are bought, ready to go? presents all wrapped and under the tree? pies baked, cookies made? stockings stuffed?
oh man, i feel worse and worse with each word i write. why? cuz we are soooo not ready. nothings wrapped. no groceries are bought. no meat marinating. no stockings stuffed. no pies or cookies have been baked---or even bought.
but hey--we got the tree up !!! that's somethin, right? no?
hmmm.
well come help me ! hurry. cuz this is what i look like lately ---



and i'm runnin outta time....gilbert

happy almost christmas!
hope you're all ready :))

tis i, the epic blog failure --

hi folks... how's life out there in your worlds? i hope y'all are doing well, and being happy.
things here are pretty much the same as always. just truckin along. or would that be stumbling along? that's more like it i think. as we trip over a rock here and there.

today was supposed to be the day that i would have the thyroid scan done. the "t-123" thing. i forget the exact name it is. but i was to go in at 7:45 , swallow a nuclear iodine capsule, get my thyroid scanned/ then leave and go back at 2pm to get scanned again... then again, tomorrow at those same times to be scanned again. BUT, just as we were on our way out the door this morning, the doctor called and canceled. it was kinda like on the movie Balto; when the snow storm prevented the medicine from being delivered. ha. really that's what happened. he said the snow somewhere had held up the delivery of the capsules on order, so we had to cancel the appointment
and wait until he knew the med delivery time before we scheduled again. terrific. i thought it would get bumped all around for weeks, conflicting with other appointments and things; but luckily he can do it tomorrow and the next day. yes, i know, i'm not thrilled about goin in on christmas eve day myself, but after that, it's a tangled mess of other stuff. so i grabbed it. i have to be there at 645 and 1 tomorrow and the next day. how fun. oh and no coffee tomorrow. not until after the first part of the test. i hope i sleep a little later than i did today. i was up at 4 today and couldn't drink any coffee or anything, and started to get a headache by the time the doc called... you know the coffee pot got started soon as soulman knew what was happenin on the phone. it's good to be loved. :))

so anyways, i'm craving ice cream like a pregnant woman. i don't know why. and NO, i am NOT pregnant :)) . maybe a quittin smokin thing. ya think? i didn't quit yet, but i have cut waaaaay back, and am taking chantix. almost a month ago... wait-- 2 months ago-- ya, i knew thatsounded wrong. about 2 months ago, when i had the lung thing goin on, i was up to three packs of cigs a day; sometimes a little more - or maybe a hair less. since then i have tried to quit several times. only actually stopping for the longest , i would say was maybe 7 or 8 days. after that, it was hit and miss. but since i started the chantix, i'm hovering around half a pack a day. maybe less on some days.
so anyways, i want ice cream! and soulman won't go get it-- someone yell at him for me. :))

jamie's back !! i know most of you know-- but if you didn't know-- she is. same bat time, same bat channel !!! woo hoo . (that would be simonsays for some of y'all).

just thought i'd get that outta the way.

well peoples, i'm gonna try to cruise around and see ya later on. hope all is well in your worlds.
it's just peachy here in mine :))

no time for a real post -

have to get to a meeting soon--
so here's a video --

i'll write more later on; somethin i'm hijackin from gypsy... cuz i'm brain dead lately and can't think for myself.
anyone else have any writing prompts or suggestions for me? challenges? anything? really, i have no original ideas anymore.
haelpppp !

seems i've been challenged ---

i can never refuse a challenge --


so of course, i couldn't not rise to the occasion.

here ya go--

A SOULFUL CHRISTMAS

It was the night before christmas and all through the house

The soul pets were mental, and spot ate the mouse.

Eevee and sushi were fighting like bears

While jitterbug sharpened her nails on the chair.

Soul checked on her girl, hell, she’s not in her bed

The vision of beating her flashed through her head.

She first checked the closet, the kitchen, then bath,

Only to realize the kid snuck out the back.

She slapped the cat off the chair, kicked the dogs in the teeth,

Then woke up the soulman to go find their teen.

Off to the back door, he ran out in a dash,

His facial rosacia was flaring , it looked like a mask.

The soulman was pissed as he ran out in the cold,

Yelling for soulkid to get her ass home.

Then what to his wandering eyes did appear?

It was soulkid, two friends, and detective, dick greer.

With a sideways glance at her dad, so guilty and quick,

All three of the girls ran passed him and dick.

Inside the house they ran right into soul,

She knocked each of the girls, one by one to the floor.

Don’t move, soulkid, and You, and YOU little vixen,

Tell me, now where you’ve been, or it’s your ass that I’m kickin!

The kids had been out running the streets,

They Sat at the park, they said, but soul didn’t believe.

Soulman walked in from his talk with the cop

The girls looked up and laughed at him wearing his croks!

Soulkid said “dad, I’m so sorry you know,

I just can’t be scared of you wearing croks in the snow.”

He glared down at the girls as they giggled and chirped

While he tried to look angry it just didn’t work.

There were three teenage girls laughing at his feet

He was caught in the middle, with no one to meet.

He burst out in laughter , extending a hand,

soulkid reached from the floor as he helped her to stand.

he sent all the girls to his now half grown kids’ room ,

and said to his wife “what the hell will we do?

the cop got them for curfew , but God knows what’s next,

we know that you’re cursed, now that’s got me perplexed.”

Soul looked up at the soulman, and saw in his eye,

That his little girl growing up had made the man cry.

So many years have now seemed to slip through,

Now there’s so much not done that these parents should do.

Soul lit a cigarette , the man ate some fudge,

Both watching in silence as sushi shat on the rug.

Horrible tunage blared through soulkids walls,

Right into the living room causing soul to bawl.

she was stressing, and achin, and about to crack up,

the music would kill her if it wasn’t shut off!

With a flip of his wrist, he threw open his cell,

soulman texted the kid to shut down stereo hell.

she didn’t text back , but the noise it did cease,

to the soul-parents amazement they were finally at ease.

the man locked the windows , and set the alarm,

then said goodnight to the girls, threatening bodily harm.

if they were to leave in the hours of the night,

he was hoping they knew it would be their last time.

then with a grin he backed out of the door,

no giggles or chirping sounds this time for sure.

he went to his wife and he wished her night to be well,

then he spoke into her ear, welcome dear to teen hell.

BMB 12-17-08

people are strange-- when you're a blogger

mornin people--

i hope y'all are havin good days today-- and no one is freezin any important body parts off.

my heater is on the fritz-- for real. i wasn't just sayin that for bad poetry sake yesterday. i used to wonder how in the world do people just up and abandon their homes , leaving everything behind. now i know. when i was a kid, maybe 10-11 years old; my best friend and i came upon an abandoned house, and of course our curiosity got the better of us, so we had to explore. it was obvious that an entire family lived there, mom, dad, at least 2 kids, maybe 3. it was very eerie to be there, since we were so young, of course all kinds of crap crossed our minds. they were murdered in their sleep. they were kidnapped by devil worshipers. a few more, then the obvious= that they just left, and didn't take anything with them. i still get a weird feeling to think back to walking thru that house. but anyhow-- live and learn. i could do it here. at least i can wish that i could.
i / we , could never afford to replace a lot of this stuff. like furniture and tvs etc that we have bought over the last year. so leaving it behind is really a dumb idea. i'm so used to having used crap. yard sale or hand me down stuff. usually the only thing we would buy new would be beds or computers. we went totally insane last year, and i so freakin regret it.
more than blowing all the money? i regret the new freakin credit--debt--- even more.
if it wouldn't totally destroy us, i would take my car back, and buy a five thousand dollar nissan with cash. i so hate havin a car payment. i got a 7,000 nissan in like 98 or so , and i drove that thing til the wheels fell of (not literally) but close... right after i traded it in , in 05.. someone came to the door tryin to bill me for a tow-- cuz it had broke down and been abandoned somewhere-- ha--no way not my car. that car drove so well, and had so few problems i couldn't believe it. and i even think it was respected more by the clan than the damn new one. after that-- i got a suburu legacy-- for 1500.00 it was like over 10 years old.. i drove it for a year or two-- it had a/c , looked good, i loved that little car... when i sold it-- i even made a fifty dollar profit.
wth??? i just don't need a car like this. it gets more trashed by the week. not by me--except a couple cig burns :(( but they're on the drivers floor, ya can't hardly see em. but i'm talkin about food, and drink stains..and mascara on the back of my seat! ugh. why should i pay for that???
i hate to. i cringe every single time i write the check. i have always loved my car. every car i have ever had--- i loved. even an old fishbowl pacer :)) if it was mine-- i loved it.
my heart isn't in this car-- i have resented it since the night i bought it. today i resent it even more. i'm just not the type of person to have an expensive car-- or a high car payment. i gotta find a way to get out of this mess.

so anyhow-- looks like the weather is gonna turn around a little for the better. at least temp - wise. sposed to be ok today, just cold, but not as bad as the last couple days. then the following couple days may push 60-- but rain. that's ok tho. as long as i can leave the house and do my crap without wearin ten pounds of clothes and a bulky coat. i just may survive.. well, another week or two anyhow.
i sooo really do wish i could live someplace that's warm year round. i just don't know where that someplace is. y'all know my memory, but we used to live in jacksonville--- i kinda remember not needing a coat too often there.... but then i remember workin mid shift on the flight line, and how flippin cold my hands would get. of course-- i wouldn't be workin on planes in the middle of the night this time. that might make the difference. ugh.
well, i guess this is where the job is, so this is where we stay, but i can dream right.


ohhh maan, i just remembered -- i been writin about BS all this time, and haven't even mentioned what i started this whole thing for in the first place. senile much?

anyhow, i checked my site meter-- i do that sometimes out of boredom just to see what folks google to get here. sometimes it's just mundane stuff, not worth mentioning. but today-- i had several.... yes , i said several, as in like four, perverts, finding my page, in search of Sugar -- from survivor 's -- tits ! what is wrong with people. what makes these idiots even think that just because she is on a damn tv show that she is gonna be online half nekkid? doesn't their mamma teach em nuthin? well, actually, i just remembered somethin... they did say she was a pin up girl. maybe she is online half nekkid. hmmm. but regardless, y'all do realize which post they are being directed to don't you....? the one about the sugar tit i wrote a while back. a cry baby post. dumbasses. we should all set em up. get the hugest rolly pollyest nekkid woman, without teeth of course, that we can find.. give it the proper title---- and when these guys look for her-- they will find their real true love. bwa hahahaha.
i just might do that.

so anyhow. what else?
i actually cooked dinner last night. i can't tell you how long it's been since i cooked a decent meal in this house. and it was perfect for the freezin weather. chicken and noodles. yum yum. i shoulda made corn bread, but didn't think of it til it was time to eat. so maybe next time.
nothin gets me cookin better than below freezin temps i guess. i just do not want to open the front door when it's cold like that. i don't know how some of y'all do it. or why you do it. 8, 12, 14 inches of snow... 30 below temperatures... oh my Lord, it would kill me in ten minutes flat. i think i'm more than half serious too. i really don't think my body could physically handle it. i would just drop dead. well, i'm not that lucky-- it would be a slow and painful death, but death would be imminent for sure.

anyhow-- i'm just babblin for babblin sake now.. so i guess i should go get my bills paid and see if i have any christmas money left. :O
if not-- i get paid on christmas eve.. i can really play santa if i have to wait til then. :))
ugh.

will someone come run my life for me? well, manage it i mean. i've done nothin but dig a pit of hell this past year, and it just keeps gettin deeper.

hope you all have happy days in your worlds today
:))

soul-a-geezer scrooge

holy crap y'all,

i think this is one day i should keep my mouth--well, fingers,-- to myself.
i can't think of one good thing to say.
so, instead, i will share a bad selection of my poetry with ya.
not that it isn't just as bad as a nagging cry-baby post-- but may be more entertaining to read.
or not--

Cold Hearted Christmas

I sit here alone in a cold rented house.

The heater is broke today, and 10 degrees out.

Too cold to go shopping, too freezing to clean

My tree stands here present - less, glaring at me

Outside the wind howls as it crawls though the glass,

Slipping into the house through each crevice and crack

I think to myself sipping coffee that’s cold

Oh my God I can’t take this, it’s just getting old

We pay more for this house than any ever before

Yet nothing here works for us, costing us more.

I wish we could move from here, and start someplace new

Somewhere safe for my child, without all this work needed to do

I could walk away, and leave everything here,

All that we own, except tools, and fishin gear.

The only good luck that has come to this house,

Is that no one has died, ‘cept a dog, and pet mouse.

We thought we would love this place, bright with its shine,

But it didn’t take long for the curse to arrive

Unbelievable things soon began to occur,

to my health, and his moods, and even our girl,

the house has its issues, with heat, tile, and floors

the list could continue but I have room for no more

one third of our income goes into this place

it’ll drive me to drink if I don’t run away

today my head pounds, as I shiver , and cry-

it’s warmer out there, than it is here inside

I’m grabbin my animals, photos and crap-

I’m leaving this hell hole- to live in a tarpaper shack !!!!

BMB 12-16-08

///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

“An old lady new years eve”

It’s the morn of the new year, I woke up in pain,

The house is a mess, All the pets are insane.

I went for my coffee, yet all hopes were dashed -

the self timer broken, fresh coffee? My ass.

The final eve of ‘07 went out with a pop.

I was hoping for more but the night, a near flop.

Our small celebration, A toast with two teens-

I suppose it’s what married on new years eve means.

As middle age creeps into our small humble home,

These holiday things just seem to grow old.

Yet we struggle to stay awake, til the traditional time,

and break out the crystal , filled with cider, not wine .

We say goodbye to the old, as we welcome the new.

And promise ourselves of things we know we won’t do.

At midnight: 01, we now call it a day-

We head straight to bed, and fall asleep right away.

Whatever has happened to going out on the town -

Getting dressed up, and drinking til drowned?

Where is the dancing, and laughing with friends ,

counting backwards the seconds, as the new year comes in?

those days are gone – but I remember them well,

As I sit here and write of Souls’ new years eve tale.

BMB 1-1-08

it's a holly jolly christmas

yep, bad hair, wind, crooked hat, and all.... i got a fish. a big ole bass. i didn't weigh him, but he's a big'n. he was takin my drag. i haven't had a fish do that in a very long time. my guess was three pounds.. could be more, could be less. either way-- he fought like a five pounder. and it was the funnest three minutes of the last 4 months of my life. :))

i even got him on my 2nd cast ! hahaha. yep.




guess what happened on my first cast?



two casts-- two fish. i was happy. i don't remember the last time i even went fishing. september-- maybe. my body felt every bit of it. but it was worth it. and aside from the wind, it was a warm day.
after the second fish, i threw about ten more casts, and didn't get any more hits, so i just sat down, and waited for hubby to finish. he got one fish, and then we left. we had things to do and places to go. but were glad we took the time to fish a little. God knows when we'll be blessed with another day like that. it'll prolly be hell froze over til february from here on out. ugh, i hope not.

so after that we came home and thought we would be going out to get some stuff for the christmas tree that we couldn't find in storage-- it never happens that way tho. we did get home fairly early-- maybe 430. but we were locked out of the house :)) our house. soul kid was in the shower -- had the deadbolt on.. the one which we have no key for. :)) it took ten minutes before she finally heard the dogs barking and figured it must be us. well duh = how bout callin and seein where we are before ya lock us out--- right?

then of course she needs her two hour primp time. in that time hubby falls asleep on the couch, i start watchin a movie on tv, when she finally bee-bops her butt out here sayin-- wow, i fell asleep. i was like WHAT!? ya, almost an hour, i didn't mean to. UGH. i was so tired myself. if i knew she was sleepin too, i woulda took a nap -- erg!

anyhow, when she finally revived herself , and her dad-- we finally got goin around 6 or so--- by then we had to stop on the way and eat-- just so we wouldn't spend 300.00 over budget at the store cuz we were all stahvin.


so, we finally get to the store-- wally hell to be exact. y'all know it's my favorite place to be. got some necessities, and tree stuff, and got outta there. i hate crowds. especially end of the year crowds. omg. i haven't even begun my christmas shopping. even though there won't be much of that this year--- i dread it all. every minute of it. i wish i could do it online , i just worry that it'll be crap. i don't trust online crap unless i know for sure what i'm payin for.

anyhow-- we get home... the entire outing almost was nuthin but conflict between somebody. that does absolute wonders for a chronic migraine-- lemmee tell ya.

we put all the crap away-- and begin to put up the tree... to the merry , jolly , happy tune of a dallas cowboys football game. that was a first in my life. anyone else do that? isn't it just the greatest?

anyhow-- since a argument in the morning-- actually a different argument a couple days ago--and the one in the morning that broke the camels back-- i had said--
screw it-- lets just plug in the fiber optic foot tall tree and be done with the whole damn thing. not. no way would either of them have any part of that. they want the "big tree"
. and i'm just the mean lady. i stayed out there and helped, and did stuff, and tried to be jolly, and social, etc. it just didn't last very long.
i'm not sure why.
stress level? physical crap? emotional bullshit? whatever it was... i'll take the hit-- well... the first hit. i had a snide remark about the football game. didn't change anything tho. then later... other attitudes came into play. and i went into my room.
then the guilt trip from hell was laid on me. y'all know how fun that is, i'm sure.
but i stayed in there-- with the door open--which i never do. until they were ready to put the angel up on top. we've never missed a year without a pic of the two of them puttin the angel up. ever since soulkid was able. he would pick her up and she would put her up. so i couldn't dare miss that shot. so i came out and took that and other pix. and soulman took a few too.

wanna see?

sister update

oh gawd y'all-- you'll never guess what the curse has brought upon my sister THIS time. i can't believe it myself-- oh but i can, because stuff like this happens to us all the time.

she has arrived at her destination safely-- BUT
"they" held Cavuto !!! they won't release him either. they could keep him up to six months-- because they can't locate the microchip-(inside of him)
oh gawd. i can just see my poor sister .

i don't know how they can't find his microchip-- let's just hope for her sake they find it--- and very soon.

laters

she's gone , gone, gone, gone

yep y'all, my sis is off to England. i don't even know for sure if she's landed yet. but her flight was supposed to , and as far as i know , took off yesterday at 4:40 p.m. -- she found out at the last minute that it was fully booked too. she was sooo not thrilled about that. i wouldn't be either. i hate to be all cramped in a small place with a bunch of strangers. ugh. even a full elevator is bad. but a airplane - for a very long time? with someone drooling, and snoring, and tryin to talk to ya? oh gawd it would kill me. i wonder how she's doin.


y'all should have seen her about her cats. you'd think she had three real live infants with her. they had to spend their time here in my bedroom walk in closet.. which is actually huge. they had plenty of room, but barely came out of their crates anyhow. but still, she was in there every twenty minutes to check on them. she made us keep our bedroom and bathroom door closed so her screaming scaredy cats wouldn't hear the "tapping" of the dogs nails on the wood floor"... :))
when we got to the cargo place yesterday to put them on the plane... i actually felt bad for her. i have teased her for years about how she is about her "babies" but really-- i thought she might fall on the floor and cry- real tears" by the time we left there--- an hour later. ugh.
but on the way in, i carried one cat crate, and she carried one, then she went back out for the other cat--- when she got back , the guy had already taken the first two ! she was like-- where are they???!!! i told her he took em.. she looked all pitiful, the he came out and took the one she had.
oh boy. she was kidless. and the whole time we were there we could hear them crying back there behind the door.

well, we finally got to leave after what felt like an eternity. who knew it would take so long to get cats checked in?? ugh.
but we leave-- and i swear. over the next two hours, she brought those cats up over 100 times. you'd think she was never gonna see em again.
so anyhow, from there we went to her gate, and got her seat assignment and checked her bag, then we went to eat lunch, so we could steal at least a little more time together. she thought i was gonna just dump her off right then.. i was like umm , no. she still had like three hours before her flight was gonna bored.
so we got her checked in etc, and went to find a place to eat-- and to our surprise found a place we could even smoke in. woo hoo.
we killed quite a bit of time there, and got her back to her gate where she would maybe spend not more than an hour an a half at her gate. maybe even less. before boarding. i tried to make it be less than an hour, but there's just not a lot to do near an airport.

so, we said our goodbyes -- that were not as easy as i thought they would be. i will miss her.
and off she went.
then i came home, feeling like a deflated balloon --- that had been beat about the head and shoulders :))
i laid in bed and didn't get up til about 5 this morning.
i don't even remember feeling anything when she went to sweden. i don't even remember where i lived or what was going on in my life. call me a selfish bitch-- but i don't.
but this time. it's a lot different. this time i really feel her absence. already.
our visit was short-- but i really am happy that i got to see her before she left.

well.. i don't really have much else to say right now.

so i'll try to catchya latah

two hours ago i sat down to have a smoke

and guess what? i'm still sittin here. i knew i never shoulda sat down. i was on a roll too. but once i sat ... it was all over with. and all i've accomplished is my dishes. i still have tons to do. and if i''m lucky? two hours to do it in. that's IF i get the hell UP. my sister was sposed to take her cats to the vet at 9, and head here straight from there. it's about a 5 1/2 - 6 hour drive, depending on how fast she drives. but-- it'll be the first rush hour when she gets to dallas-- oooh boy she's gonna love that. NOT. even i hate it and i have lived here for several years. i hope she makes it ok, and isn't a ragin bitch when she gets here. :))
i can prolly get done in a couple hours. it's not like it's a sty or anything. i just need to vacuum and mop etc, change sheets , you know the drill. sushi, the trash digger, also has paper all torn up ALL over my office again. it looks just lovely in there. oughtta be real fun pickin that up too.
it's so hard to motivate when stuff is so tedious like that. if it was just basic stuff it'd be ok. but it's stuff like cleanin the fridge, and pickin up 200 scraps of tiny paper , dusting, and doin floors, all that kinda crap that i hate.
anyhow. she'll live if i don't finish. trust me, she has seen worse.





soooo. what else?
oh... i messed up on the day of my scan thing.. it isn't next week it's the following week. the 22nd, and 23rd. monday and tuesday.

and, i'm still not doing very well with reading y'alls blogs. please don't take it personally. i feel real bad about it, and really, it has nothing to do with any one of you as an individual. i still feel the same about all of you. i can't really go into full detail about everything that is happening here. i would like to i guess, but let's just say it has a lot more to do with than only my medical issues. "it" surely isn't helping my medical or health issues, but it is a lot of things that i just don't want to throw around blog land right now. sorry.




the weather today is wonderful. yes i am changing the subject. :)) but really it is. and if my sister wasn't coming today , you know i'd be fishin right now!! it's a beautiful day. and you wouldn't even think that it was december. i bet it's 65 to 70 degrees out there. it's killin me to not be out at the pond. but-- tomorrow is supposed to be just as good. unfortunately-- i do believe i heard -- an arctic blast or some crap will be comin in by sunday night or monday-- the temp will "plunge". ugh. i'm just gonna have to move to hawaii, or bermuda or somewhere.
mary , you can come too. jamie can too, and so can charlotte :)). anyone else wannna come? but no men allowed. no kids either. we'll be "the runaway wives club" :)) only for the winter, then we'll come back to and salvage the sinking ships that are our poor hubbies.

welp, i don't think i have much else to say. i know i don't have any time to say it in.
so, i shall go and get back to work.

i hope y'all are havin happy days in your worlds today

i'm thinkin about each of you today-

soul's worst post of the year

what is this? hell week , in soul land? i'm beginning to think so.
have you ever felt like everything in your world was fading away?? or maybe that it already has?

it seems that i have lost all control of every damn thing around here. i'm even back to being a brown recluse. i hate to go anywhere. i wouldn't if i didn't have to. even so-- i barely do go anywhere. for business- or pleasure. since i got sick-- with bronchitis-a week before the blood clot/ i have gone only to dr appointments, taken soulkid to and from school, gone to the pharmacy, picked up food here and there-- but have done NO major food shopping- at all. i haven't gone fishing since before i got sick. that feels like forever. been to the post office a few times. i think that about covers it. this is since october folks. here it is - practically mid december--- and 34 degrees outside. y'all know i do not go outside when it's cold. not unless it's totally necessary. such as -- doctors, and school. period.

so--- speakin of doctors. wanna hear the latest??? i'll tell ya anyhow. i know ya hate it. but really, these days, there's not much else i have to talk about.
so, off we go---
i finally saw the E.N.T. doc , yesterday, about my thyroid probs. (the nodules)-- or cysts, or whatever ya want to call them. well. he said he couldn't feel any of them, and what i had felt was some type of gland. forgot what he called it-- but it was too high for the thyroid. those are too small to feel. (or be palpable)... so. he seemed like a pretty good doc. he explained a lot without me havin to ask. and he didn't confuse me by talking over my head, like some docs will, plus he wasn't condescending, like my other doc, who talks down to me like i'm a child. we had a pretty good rapport i guess you could say. i'm not afraid to let him cut on me if he had to.
which i spose is a possibility/ from what he said.
ya know, from all my med problems, and past history, and worries etc. i have asked docs about the possibility of cancer.. the biG C. etc. but it seems they always deter me from that idea until it was confirmed or denied. this time, i didn't mention it. i kinda stopped bringin it up-- to dr's at least. i mean i wonder , obviously-- when ya have lumps, and growths, and lose weight, and constant headaches, and want to lay down all the time-- it's gonna cross your mind.. dontcha think?? well, it has. even before i knew i had the things on my thyroid. and if i do=-- it's apparently easy to treat-- just cut the damn thing out-- and it's usually ok. but anyhow.
what i'm gettin at. is this was the first doc to ever bring up the word cancer-- before i did. so, i just wonder. not worry. just wonder. so anyhow-- oh .. btw-- no , he didn't say i HAVE cancer-- it was more a IF i did thing. but he did get me scheduled for a test. yes i know. i should GLOW by now. ugh. maybe i will next wednesday. i got the call a while ago. for a "I-123 scan & uptake"
it's some kind of nuclear thing type test. i will swallow a "radioactive isotope capsule" then six hours later, get scanned. ... then 24 hours later-- get scanned again. exciting, no?
anybody ever have that done before?? i haven't had a chance to google it yet. sounds pretty cool tho.
i'm gonna turn into the HULK someday. i have had more ct's , mri's, xrays, and other things in this past couple years than most people have in their whole life. it's crazy.

anyhow--- not sure how long it takes to get the results... but when i get them... all they will say is whether i need a biopsy or not. after that-- only more waiting. cuz all the biopsy will say is if it's cancer or not. then there will be surgery-- then treatment- ugh. shit.

so. what else?
chantix. i finally started the chantix yesterday. after almost a week of research and asking dr after dr about possible reactions with "my" meds and diagnosis. which i was not getting from anyone. i finally got a hold of my shrink, and she said it would be ok, just to call her or stop it, if i had any bad bad bad stuff happen. cuz it has been known to affect bi-polar folks in a really bad way. so i went ahead and started it. of coarse i am still smoking. my stress level is thru the roof these days.

next?
the dogs got in a fight last night. it was the first time soulman has been here to that . i was glad he was here. cuz they were on my side of the bed, and i couldn't get them to stop. they never want to stop and i usually end up hurtin them tryin to break them up. so soulman jumped over there and beat the crap out of eevee then yanked her by the colar onto the bed..as i grabed sushi by her collar and over to my table. eevee ended up in her crate, and bratty sushi baby got to lay on our bed. i don't know why they do that. sushi just gets jealous sometimes, or eevee gets nervous. it is just wild, and it makes me crazy upset. eevee is gonna kill poor sushi one of these days. if that happens i would prolly kill her. i love sushi. not that i don't love eevee-- i just have a different love for sushi.

hmmm, ok what else. i'm gettin so out of order here. not sure if i've mentioned it but i've been sick for days. not sure why--or with what. maybe just a cold, but of course i'm worried about it getting into my chest. as is hubby. so far, it's just a sore throat, snots and a cough. today, it's not as bad as it has been the last few days. so i hope it's just the quick change in the weather, and it's on it's way out.

speakin of the weather.. i think it was like monday-- it was about 5 when we took the kid to her group thing.. it was almost 70 degrees outside. very nice night. by like ten pm, the sky opened up and we had a crazy storm. wind rain thunder you name it. the next day.. it was dry and kinda warm in the morning, by 9 or ten a.m. the temp started dropping. fast. by evening time-- it was literally freezing. and it snowed that night ! not real snow-- more like flurries. but still snow. in texas. and it has been in the 30's and 40's since then. i hate it. y'all know i hate it.
and this morning, guess what? my heater decided to go schitzo on me. it's frickin freezin in here. i messed with it the best i could. for some reason, it is ok in my room, but the rest of the place is cold.

oh-- THEN.. after i did that--- i started to clean my kitchen.. not sure why-- but when i clean house i always start with the kitchen. so anyhow--- i never claimed to be the brightest bulb in the box. there's a reason for that. we had a bunch of leftover brisket in the fridge-- i kinda second guessed myself, but then said, hmm screw it-- and dumped it down the disposal anyways. and guess what happened?? yeppers. i clogged up my sink!!!! cant finish the dishes now. i don't have a sink plunger. i really don't think a plunger is gonna fix it anyways. soulman is gonna have to take the pipe off. once , a long time ago, i put artichokes down the disposal.. years ago. never never do that. not the real ones at least. man they do some damage-- and he had to take the entire drain pipe off .. it was all full of hairy leafy artichoky leavins. ugh.

well, speakin of cleaning, i better get back to it. or maybe i will take a nap before i get soulkid.
my seester will be here tomorrow. she's gonna fly out of here to go to england. she'll be here a whole 20 hours. woo hoo. beats not at all tho. if the house is a mess she can close her eyes for that long-- right poops? :))

anyhow-- there is some family crap i left out to protect the guilty--- but really, this has been maybe the worst week of the year. not counting the week i was in the hospital. that might win the worst week award. but this week takes second. ugh. there was lotsa worst week awards this year.

good stuff happened too. but soo much bad towered over it. just makes it hard to notice . ya know?

welp, i better go at least attempt to be productive in some manner--- or not. but i can't see anymore.

hope y'all are havin happy days today-