ok. here i am again. i've actually been getting a little more sleep this passed couple of days...feeling a bit more human now. aside from my back hurting. it has that "ben gay" type of burning feeling again. that is so weird, and i do not like it. duh, who would? but, the extra sleep, that is a good thing. yesterday, i woke up at 4.. Midnight, my mange girl, was doin the tail flapping on the window blinds thing. i thought it was all over with when i got up to put her and sushi outside, but i got my coffee...and the next thing i know... my hubby was saying goodbye as he left for work... at 7 AM! woo hoo. that is the latest i have slept in months. literally. i can't even remember the last time i slept til 7 o'clock. but, i was in the chair, and all knotted up in a bit of a painful position. but it was some well deserved sleep regardless. and this morning, i managed to sleep til almost 630.. again, hubby saying bye leaving for work. i bet i coulda made it to 7 again, if he didn't wake me up. but the thing is... i had a major (really really major) fit one time several years ago because he was leaving for work and not saying goodbye to me, because i was asleep. so what...call me insecure. so anyhow, now he's "afraid" i will have a mental attack and accuse him of not loving me, or worse---having an affair, if he doesn't kiss me goodbye ! crazy right? i'll admit it... i AM certified after all. but anyhow.. one of my quirks. i feel neglected if he leaves without saying bye to me. even if it does wake me up. at least i know he thinks of me. it's probably really just self preservation on his part though...poor fella. doesn't want me goin crazy lady on him... over a goodbye kiss. geesh. will i ever be normal? doubtful.
ok... so anyways. yesterday i had to go to the VA in Dallas...of all Godforsaken places for ME to be forced to drive to. traffic was hell. and of course i wasn't quite sure how to get there. thank God for "mapquest" ! but even with the freakin directions, i continually questioned myself if i was going the right way. did i pass my exit, take the wrong highway, miss my exit... etc. ooooh i just hate to drive anymore. BUT, i made it ... no major problems, except i turned the wrong way off my exit.. but realized it soon, and turned around, so i got there alright.
of course, anyone who knows the VA, or any other government organization... it was "hurry up and wait". i made sure i was there half an hour early.... but was seen... almost an hour later than my appointment time. and in my waiting... some weird older guy.. 55 ish??? just a guess, maybe a bad one, but he was balding sorta, and gray haired. so anyways. this guy decides to chat it up with me. i HATE to talk to people i don't know. absolutely hate it. especially someone i will never see again, nor will i ever want to see again. but this guy would not shut up. blab blab blab. this went on for like twenty endless minutes, until they finally called him in to see the doc. PHEW. BUT... after he saw the doc.... he came BACK, sat down and started freakin talking to me again! "go home already you freak!" man i wish i could be as rude as my thoughts sometimes. this guy...man, i don't know if it was a bad attempt to flirt with me, or if he was just lonely, or what his deal was. one would think that with my one word responses to his blabbing, would give the guy a clue...nope. i think he was high or drunk or something. he was just a strange dude. the only thing that saved me was the lady at the desk... who by the way...was literally, the nicest/sweetest person that i have EVER dealt with at any va in any state i've lived in. i wish she would have been the dr i saw for my eval. but she was just the desk lady. but anyhow, she told him "he could leave now". thank you GOD!"
so... he FINALLY left...but could he just get up and go? nooooooo. he had to tell me his name, ask mine...then extend his hand as if to shake my hand in some great new bond we had made. FREAK! ugh. but, then he was gone. forever, i hope!
i still had to wait a while longer to see the doc. and some other older guy began talking to me...this one wasn't so creepy, and not so "invasive". i didn't mind talking to him for a few minutes. we pretty much just dogged out the va med system. etc. and only for a few minutes, til the doc called me in. plus... he didn't try to "touch" me.
so.... i go in to see the doc. i did not like him, and i do not have a good feeling about what his "decision" will be in raising my claim. he was a "nurse practitioner". not even a damn doctor! he kept talking about my SPINE, blah blah. made me do all the bending and twisting...and didn't seem convinced that i actually was in pain. but i really was! i kept telling him... it isn't my SPINE. it's muscular! i told him of my diagnoses with fybromyalgia, myofacial pain, addisons', etc.... he wanted nothing to do with any of it. he said "i was told to evaluate your SPINE. "
OMG. that is why i'm here asshole....because i was not diagnosed at the time i was given the original disability...now i have a diagnosis and it is not what they have in my records/claim. (which is "limited motion in dorsal spine" UGH )
but...do i say any of that... only the muscle and diagnoses parts. i had to be polite...don't wanna piss off a guy who has the power to give or take money from you. right? so, he does the exam; which consisted of... a few range of motion tests, then he poked my legs with a stick...i was to tell him if it was soft, or sharp. (it was a broken q tip...one side soft one sharp.)... so ... that was that. that was my evaluation to raise my disability from 10 percent.. to i don't care what...just more. oh.. then he sent me for an x-ray of my thoracic spine...which i told him... nothing ever shows up on xray.. IT"S MUSCULAR. did he care? nope... "I'M evaluating your SPINE." grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.... soooo i go to xray.
after the x ray i finally headed home. very tired.... from the waiting, the stress of the lame "dr", the weird freak making me talk to him....and touching/ "shaking" my hand. that made me feel almost dirty. what a freak. i was pissed about the treatment and bluntness of the "doc", and i did not want to face the traffic again...which of course waS hell! it was like 5ish..on a friday...holiday weekend...in DFW traffic! ohhh, but "they" gave me 11 dollars for gas. bless you uncle sam how kind.
so, now, i am in a quandry. do i jump the gun...before the xrays are back...and bitch about the NURSE PRACTITIONER deciding my claim? do i go to a civilian dr ASAP, and get some kind of evaluation by a REAL MD, to give to the VA along with this jerks OPINION. all this crap, just irritates the shit outta me.
only God knows what "label" the doc who does my psych eval will have. it'll probably be a freakin social worker ! no offense to social workers... or even nurse practitioners.... but hell..... i have a med file six inches thick of back and psych issues... and they give me a NP to evaluate my back...who by the way, didn't touch a single muscle in my back or neck. THIS eval honestly should have been done by perhaps ORTHO, or RHEUMATOLOGY... not A NURSE. OMG!
can you say FRUSTRATED?
ok... i will quit my nagging..about that at least.
but i shall move on to something i just heard..... do you know that our wonderful government of the USA .... is now, going to allow "illegal aliens/immigrants" .... emphasis on the word illegal. not even citizens of our country! they will now be allowed to apply for, and receive social security benefits ! from a country they shouldn't even BE IN !! much less a country they haven't paid taxes, or social security into. BUT THEY will get money that even our own hungry and homeless, who HAVE worked and paid their whole lives and can't get. OMG i am flamin mad over this one. WHY is it that someone can come from mexico, or china, or india, or even places we've never even heard of... and right off the bat get interest free government loans to start businesses, go to school, whatever.... and NOW even social security.... when our own citizens; many of them VETERANS, live under bridges, unable to get a job at even a gas station, or mcdonalds! it's crap !!! just plain CRAP!
pissed off much? yes i am!
yep... i suppose uncle sam is like the crazy, drunk, child molesting uncle in the family. no body wants to admit he's an asshole. just turn the blind eye over there, and deal with it. ignore it. pretend it will go away. protect the jerk, and enable him...don't tell anyone...shhhh.... because he is family after all... right? we love him. (we love our country)... so just deal with him when ya have to and pretend he doesn't exist when you don't. when all the while he's just twistin that knife in our backs. taking what he can take, no matter how it affects the rest of us. trying to get the approval of people who don't know the truth about him. everyone else (IA'S) say.. "whats wrong with good ole uncle sam... he's just as sweet as he can be... to "US." crazy. political , disorganized, two faced, BS! that what that is!
(that's just my opinion in a time of anger....) i do love my country. i served this country in the military for eight years. i would want to live no where but here... well, maybe a tropical island somewhere...but that's just a fantasy. ohhhh, ya there ya go... fantasy island. but anyhow... i'm pissed. i'm pissed that i live in pain just about every day of my life, and "they" just make it difficult for me to get any help. i must find out if i can get a lawyer to help me with this claim process. because the DAV advocate does NOTHING! what the hell is they're job anyways? i thought they were supposed to help, be your spokesperson and "advocate" perhaps? i've been dealing with this va disability stuff for 13 years.... and they do nothing to help me. nothing!
wanna hear the strangest part? social security.... they are the hardest organization to deal with, apparently...for disability money... many people are denied benefits...for years of trying...sometimes they never get their money...ya, THEIR money. but me... i got mine approved on my first attempt. but it's the VA...who won't see what is obviously disabling conditions...that ARE service connected. how F'D up is that?
ok... i guess i got right back where i said i was gonna change the subject. sorry. gotta "vent" somewhere though. right?
anyhow.. guess i'll just wait for the x ray results and go from there.
as for anything else goin on around here... that's about it. i have chores and errands...and the dreaded "wally hell" to face today. obviously, we aren't going out of town. daughter wants to go to the mall. ugh. i just took her to TWO malls on thursday after school... for her PANTS. which by the way, we never found! OMG. the girl is gonna give me a stroke if we don't find her freakin PANTS immediately if not sooner.
but... i am hoping hubby will do the mall thing, it's just not in me today. especially not on top of everything else i have to do. but... he is at work...only for a couple hours today, but i just have a feeling... he will say he's tired... or will go fishing... or something. and i will be stuck with my two "favorite" places in the world... wally hell, and the stinkin mall. somebody help me!
anybody wanna trade lives for a day or two? preferably someone in a very warm, sunny, beachy, tropical place...with a maid. oh... and a masseuse! yep one of those, at my beck and call!
speaking of warmth, and sun, and sea..... WTF is going on with this weather???? i am in texas ! in april ! and it's like 40 degrees for the HIGH???? ALL of the elements of nature and science are against me.
something very wonderful better happen today. i don't know what.. i don't even care what... i just need something great to come my way! it's that.. or about 4 xanax and a six hour nap! which will it be? this is surely a day i do not want to go face the world... but i must. i need a "mr. belvedere".
well...until later...
good day. :))
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
ok... it's later..only like half hour later... but guess what.... it's freakin SNOWING! snowing. i hate snow. i hate cold. and i am going nowhere today. no where. unless hubby refuses to go get me some cigs... that is the only thing getting me out of this house today. no mall, no groceries, nuthing. i am not going out there. just build me a cave somewhere. somewhere warm.
latah
>>>>>>>>>>>>>> OKAAAAY..... yes, it's later...again. hubby came home from work a while ago. he is now asleep on the couch. after refusing to go get me some cigs. soooo, know what that means? yup. i MUST go face the cold cruel world. i do not want to! at least it stopped snowing. but anyhow, he did agree to do the mall thing with my girl. so i at least don't have to deal with that. phew. and as for the groceries...nope. not gonna do it. not today. they can eat frozen burritos, or top ramen! make me go out in the snow... HA. fend for yourself then. cuz i'm gettin my ciggies, then i'm coming home and going on STRIKE! i'm gonna get right back into my jammies, and go back to bed. no shopping, no cleaning, no nuthin!
bitchy much? ummmm yep!
Saturday, April 7, 2007
Friday, April 6, 2007
hey.. PEEPS !!!!
EE ... this is for you LOL
i couldn't resist. i was just sitting here in my bordome, and remembered that my daughter got some peeps yesterday. well, i remembered your "peeps" post... then i went to get said peeps... but to my dismay there were only three left ! yes the child is a sugar junky! so anyhow, i'm wondering to myself, hmmm so now what kind of photo can i take, with only three little peeps? well... just see below... and btw... yep... i ate one! and ya know.. they ARE kinda sick ! HA i guess it's been a while since i actually ate one!
:)
by the way... DON"T try this at home..... the sugar is kinda hard to get out of your eyes !
i couldn't resist. i was just sitting here in my bordome, and remembered that my daughter got some peeps yesterday. well, i remembered your "peeps" post... then i went to get said peeps... but to my dismay there were only three left ! yes the child is a sugar junky! so anyhow, i'm wondering to myself, hmmm so now what kind of photo can i take, with only three little peeps? well... just see below... and btw... yep... i ate one! and ya know.. they ARE kinda sick ! HA i guess it's been a while since i actually ate one!
:)
by the way... DON"T try this at home..... the sugar is kinda hard to get out of your eyes !
Wednesday, April 4, 2007
i just can't get it together
well, as you know, i figured out the you tube thing...so i decided to get the stevie ray vaughn video up. so i tried to do it by editing the page i had put the link on.. well..obviously, that didn't work the way i had thought it would...so, it posted the video on todays date instead. so, watch it, if you care to. it really is good. no one plays like stevie!
anyhow. i actually slept a bit better last night. i woke up in a very awkward, and painful position though. my laptop was still on, and also on my lap, and i was in a sort of sitting position, with my neck all twisted and bent over. i had a migraine, and my neck felt as if it had been , well i don't know, broken? maybe. that was at about 4, as per my usual as of late. but, i was able to get all untangled...as i was also wearing headphones...that were doing my ears no good at all! anyhow, i got all that crap off of me, and got in a proper sleeping position, and amazingly was able to get right back to sleep! i didn't wake up until 6:25 !!! it was a downright miracle! the gift from God that i spoke of. hubby was up, and had woken up the girl...he knew i hadn't been sleeping for a while, so let me "sleep in". what a guy. so i got up, and did the good ole morning routine. my head still hurts though, and i am still tired. seems i'd be wide awake after some sleep, but i'm not. and i'm hungry too. and as usual... do i have anything to eat in this place? NO!
i have a ton of stuff i should be doing...but i have been on my butt since i got back from taking my kid to school. i really need to be getting all my paperwork straight for the VA appt on friday...am i? NO. i should be cleaning my sty..i mean house. am i ? NO. i should be out getting some groceries..see i told you all that money i spent on food wouldn't last..it didn't. but, am i getting food? NO. i should also be going to the PO box...am i? nope. know what i do see in my near future? a pain pill, and a movie. and perhaps some delicious top ramen ! YUM. GAG me.
well, how special. i just got a phone call from the NIssan place. they offered to extend my car warranty. for only 600 down and whatever $ a month for 15 months, i could have an extra 40,000 on my warranty. woo hoo ! well... guess what.... i don't have no freakin 600 dollars!
but, i haggled a bit.... just for grins ya know. well, i did manage to get it down to 300 dollars down...fifteen months...no interest blah blah blah. sounds pretty good right? especially considering the fact that i only have 46,000 miles on this car and am having some problems that could cost me a LOT more than 300 bucks to fix right now. (well the total is like 2900) but still. one of the things is my transmission, it kind of jumps when ya first go into gear..like out of park. and also... it's just plain running rough. can't pin it down yet, but a car with this few miles should not run this way. then the heater stuff that was goin on...the warranty would cover a/c and heat problems. tranny, and engine, etc. soooo. i gotta wonder. which bill should i NOT pay to get the 300 to get the warranty???? talk about robbing peter to pay paul. geesh. it would be a hundred and something a month though for over a year. just when i think i'm making some headway with these dang bills...this comes up. but i gotta think, man, if my tranny goes out, it would cost 2 or 3 grand in one pop to get that alone fixed.
i need to eat and sleep, and get rid of this headache. then i will worry about this later. but i guess my question about going to Austin on saturday has been answered. looks like we aren't goin anywhere. also looks like i won't be going fishing for a while either. oh, and wouldn't ya know it...the daughter was in actual panic mode last night over PANTS. she MUST get new pants FRIDAY....or she will DIE. God help me.
anyhow. i actually slept a bit better last night. i woke up in a very awkward, and painful position though. my laptop was still on, and also on my lap, and i was in a sort of sitting position, with my neck all twisted and bent over. i had a migraine, and my neck felt as if it had been , well i don't know, broken? maybe. that was at about 4, as per my usual as of late. but, i was able to get all untangled...as i was also wearing headphones...that were doing my ears no good at all! anyhow, i got all that crap off of me, and got in a proper sleeping position, and amazingly was able to get right back to sleep! i didn't wake up until 6:25 !!! it was a downright miracle! the gift from God that i spoke of. hubby was up, and had woken up the girl...he knew i hadn't been sleeping for a while, so let me "sleep in". what a guy. so i got up, and did the good ole morning routine. my head still hurts though, and i am still tired. seems i'd be wide awake after some sleep, but i'm not. and i'm hungry too. and as usual... do i have anything to eat in this place? NO!
i have a ton of stuff i should be doing...but i have been on my butt since i got back from taking my kid to school. i really need to be getting all my paperwork straight for the VA appt on friday...am i? NO. i should be cleaning my sty..i mean house. am i ? NO. i should be out getting some groceries..see i told you all that money i spent on food wouldn't last..it didn't. but, am i getting food? NO. i should also be going to the PO box...am i? nope. know what i do see in my near future? a pain pill, and a movie. and perhaps some delicious top ramen ! YUM. GAG me.
well, how special. i just got a phone call from the NIssan place. they offered to extend my car warranty. for only 600 down and whatever $ a month for 15 months, i could have an extra 40,000 on my warranty. woo hoo ! well... guess what.... i don't have no freakin 600 dollars!
but, i haggled a bit.... just for grins ya know. well, i did manage to get it down to 300 dollars down...fifteen months...no interest blah blah blah. sounds pretty good right? especially considering the fact that i only have 46,000 miles on this car and am having some problems that could cost me a LOT more than 300 bucks to fix right now. (well the total is like 2900) but still. one of the things is my transmission, it kind of jumps when ya first go into gear..like out of park. and also... it's just plain running rough. can't pin it down yet, but a car with this few miles should not run this way. then the heater stuff that was goin on...the warranty would cover a/c and heat problems. tranny, and engine, etc. soooo. i gotta wonder. which bill should i NOT pay to get the 300 to get the warranty???? talk about robbing peter to pay paul. geesh. it would be a hundred and something a month though for over a year. just when i think i'm making some headway with these dang bills...this comes up. but i gotta think, man, if my tranny goes out, it would cost 2 or 3 grand in one pop to get that alone fixed.
i need to eat and sleep, and get rid of this headache. then i will worry about this later. but i guess my question about going to Austin on saturday has been answered. looks like we aren't goin anywhere. also looks like i won't be going fishing for a while either. oh, and wouldn't ya know it...the daughter was in actual panic mode last night over PANTS. she MUST get new pants FRIDAY....or she will DIE. God help me.
Tuesday, April 3, 2007
here fishy fishy
here is a bass my hubby caught yesterday. well, i think it was yesterday, it may have been the day before. but anyhow. not bad eh? no, he didn't keep it. he just kept him long enough for the photo shoot. we "catch and release". (bass anyways...we keep catfish, etc, but we mostly bass fish...so we don't keep many fish...obviously.)
so anyhow...this is a kind of BLAH day. i think i'm just runnin out of gas. this not sleeping is really getting to me. don't know what to do about it though. but, man i tell ya. i look like shit. oh well. someone else take a nap for me?
latah
I CANNOT SLEEP !!!!
so, that means that you are stuck with me for a while. i've been layin here for 2 hours...and nuthin! my mind just spins around in circles...goin nowhere. i go to you tube, and watch videos, travel thru blogs, smoke, think, but...do i get tired? even after 3mg of xanax? NO. too late now to take another one...i won't wake up to get my girl up for school. so i'm just better off just staying up and listening to music i guess.
well...i did tell you that i would let you know if i accomplished anything today...well, believe it or not, i actually did! i cleaned my entire kitchen, and washed all my dishes...to include almost every pot , pan, and skillet that i own..even my dang crockpot...and Lord knows i hate washing crock pots! that goes back to child hood. ugh. but ya, all my dishes are clean. and i ended up finding A LOT more laundry than i even imagined i had...stupid me...looked under my childs bed..and in her closet...i was looking for my radio...but instead, i found about THREE more loads of laundry...to include at least seven towels and two sets of sheets. oh i despise laundry. and dishes. but both are pretty close to done. maybe one more load of laundry to fins tomorrow. oh, and i swept and vacuumed my nasty floors. and...get this....hubby mowed the yards...and i didn't even have to ask!!!!! they look sooooo much better. i love it when he does stuff like that without me getting to the point of asking. i don't know what else i did, but i was busy allll day. and tired...but can i sleep...hell no. and i know it doesn't matter if it's it 1 or 3 by the time i fall asleep i'll be up at 4 or 5 regardless. man . i need a vacation. but it wouldn't matter...i can't sleep on vacation either, but at least i have different stuff to look at.
oh well...i just realized that it is hotter than hell in here, perhaps that has something to do with why i can't sleep. i'm gonna turn the air down, then post a video i found. i like it. maybe you will too. of course the video will be posted above this post because this thing is backwards. i wish it would go in the order ya put stuff on here, instead of opposite. oh well.
toodles :))
well...i did tell you that i would let you know if i accomplished anything today...well, believe it or not, i actually did! i cleaned my entire kitchen, and washed all my dishes...to include almost every pot , pan, and skillet that i own..even my dang crockpot...and Lord knows i hate washing crock pots! that goes back to child hood. ugh. but ya, all my dishes are clean. and i ended up finding A LOT more laundry than i even imagined i had...stupid me...looked under my childs bed..and in her closet...i was looking for my radio...but instead, i found about THREE more loads of laundry...to include at least seven towels and two sets of sheets. oh i despise laundry. and dishes. but both are pretty close to done. maybe one more load of laundry to fins tomorrow. oh, and i swept and vacuumed my nasty floors. and...get this....hubby mowed the yards...and i didn't even have to ask!!!!! they look sooooo much better. i love it when he does stuff like that without me getting to the point of asking. i don't know what else i did, but i was busy allll day. and tired...but can i sleep...hell no. and i know it doesn't matter if it's it 1 or 3 by the time i fall asleep i'll be up at 4 or 5 regardless. man . i need a vacation. but it wouldn't matter...i can't sleep on vacation either, but at least i have different stuff to look at.
oh well...i just realized that it is hotter than hell in here, perhaps that has something to do with why i can't sleep. i'm gonna turn the air down, then post a video i found. i like it. maybe you will too. of course the video will be posted above this post because this thing is backwards. i wish it would go in the order ya put stuff on here, instead of opposite. oh well.
toodles :))
Sunday, April 1, 2007
some pics for your viewing pleasure
there is spot...the cat...she's mental...social phobic actually, but she loves midnight...everyone does!
that is ME..well, the back of me...with the infamous NY "Naked Cowboy"... touching my butt...right in front of my husband...who by the way...took this picture. very awkward moment i must say. but fun!
and here, is Jitterbug .... my fat cat... posing for her porn pic ! isn't she sexy?
Saturday, March 31, 2007
can you say.... insomnia?
what is wrong with me? why can i not sleep like a normal person? it takes me forever to fall asleep, no matter when i go to bed...it could be 8 pm...or 12 am...but i still lay there awake for hours. then it doesn't matter if i need to be awake at 6 or not at all....like a non school or appointment day etc...but regardless, i'm always up, before the sun! this morning, i woke up...for no apparent reason really...perhaps i just "felt the absence of hubby"?? but i woke up at 4 a.m.
yes, four in the damn morning...on a saturday. and what were the order of events upon my awakening? first, i of course realize, shit, i'm awake...and it's dark. 2.. i hear music in the living room...which is right off of my bedroom, 3... i notice hubby isn't in bed...4... i think...hmmm wonder where he is/what's he doing up so damn early...5...i think , damn, i have to pee!...6... i envision some kind of papers in my mind...must have been something i was dreaming about....but i sort of "read them" for a minute. couldn't tell ya now what they said...probably medical or VA crap. (i wish i could get a lawyer to do all this crap for me but i really don't think a lawyer can do VA claims.)...but really it's all making me crazy, and i'm probably not gonna get anywhere with any of it, cuz it's just too much for my feeble mind to handle. i thought that was why i got a DAV advocate...they have not...ever..and still are..NO help to me whatsoever!!! there's gotta be someone out there who can walk me through this. i have mental problems for Christs'sake! i cannot do all this thinking, and driving, and all this stuff by my self!... so anyhow...all this goes thru my head in like very few minutes...maybe three? then i finally get up to go look for hubster. of course i find him. he got up to turn off the tv..daughter fell asleep with the tv on, watching music videos...quite loudly last night. so anyhow...guess where he is...in bed, sleeping. guess where the girl is, on the living room floor ...sleeping. guess where all the animals
are...yup, you guessed it..scattered around the house...sleeping....YET...here i am....wide awake. typing on my blog. what kind of word is that anyways. a blog. couldn't they come up with a better, more intriguing word? one that would drive people to just feel the need to search them out and see what they're all about? see what so many different people and personalities have to say out there? but they come up with "BLOG".
weird.
so anyhow. i guess i don't have anything else to say at the moment, so shall sign off for now. i'll be baaack. for now, i reckon i shall continue to "smoke and choke" until life on a saturday happens to begin around here.
til then
ore vois (?) :) oh who cares if it's spelled right?
yes, four in the damn morning...on a saturday. and what were the order of events upon my awakening? first, i of course realize, shit, i'm awake...and it's dark. 2.. i hear music in the living room...which is right off of my bedroom, 3... i notice hubby isn't in bed...4... i think...hmmm wonder where he is/what's he doing up so damn early...5...i think , damn, i have to pee!...6... i envision some kind of papers in my mind...must have been something i was dreaming about....but i sort of "read them" for a minute. couldn't tell ya now what they said...probably medical or VA crap. (i wish i could get a lawyer to do all this crap for me but i really don't think a lawyer can do VA claims.)...but really it's all making me crazy, and i'm probably not gonna get anywhere with any of it, cuz it's just too much for my feeble mind to handle. i thought that was why i got a DAV advocate...they have not...ever..and still are..NO help to me whatsoever!!! there's gotta be someone out there who can walk me through this. i have mental problems for Christs'sake! i cannot do all this thinking, and driving, and all this stuff by my self!... so anyhow...all this goes thru my head in like very few minutes...maybe three? then i finally get up to go look for hubster. of course i find him. he got up to turn off the tv..daughter fell asleep with the tv on, watching music videos...quite loudly last night. so anyhow...guess where he is...in bed, sleeping. guess where the girl is, on the living room floor ...sleeping. guess where all the animals
are...yup, you guessed it..scattered around the house...sleeping....YET...here i am....wide awake. typing on my blog. what kind of word is that anyways. a blog. couldn't they come up with a better, more intriguing word? one that would drive people to just feel the need to search them out and see what they're all about? see what so many different people and personalities have to say out there? but they come up with "BLOG".
weird.
so anyhow. i guess i don't have anything else to say at the moment, so shall sign off for now. i'll be baaack. for now, i reckon i shall continue to "smoke and choke" until life on a saturday happens to begin around here.
til then
ore vois (?) :) oh who cares if it's spelled right?
Tuesday, March 27, 2007
and things change in an instant . . .
well, i don't have much to say right now. just thought i'd fill some space in time for a moment or two.
just when ya think that it's changed,
you see you've relapsed to soulmange.
the pic above is me when i was young...like 7 ish.... long before soulmange.
(the other pic is my cats...jitterbug and spot.) i tried to put them down here, but i didn't know how...yessss, i AM moron.
yep. another rough day.
maybe it will get better later...who knows. but so far.... well...it's crap.
hope yours is better.
..............
ok, i'm back. the day didn't end on such a bad note after all. so, as long as the house doesn't fall in on me, or some other unforseen disaster...i'm pretty good for now. i'm fixin-ta go to bed even, and it's not horribly late...yet. it's a little after 11 pm... i'm hoping i won't still be laying here at 1, like the passed several nights.
but...anyhow. still not a whole lot that is blog worthy has happened today. i ran errands, paid bills.... bought my first carton of cigs since i quit quitiing. i had buying them by the pack, trying to convince myself that i would quit again soon. well..HA. not. i'm back to smokin like a train just like before. and it was gettin pretty expensive buyin a pack or two every day. soooo, i broke down.
i also went to blockbuster...again. after only watching one of the two movies we got the other day. we watched "lets go to prison"...it had it's funny moments. it's worth watching, but not very realistic. sort of that slapstick sort of funny, not genuine funny. we skipped Borat. i didn't want to see that one anyhow. but today i got happy feet, and the pursuit of happiness. only made it through happy feet. i have been wanting to see that since it came out, but never made it, so was glad to get it today. my kid was too into her own thing...like washing her hair for an hour, so she didn't watch it with us...plus, she'd already seen it like three times. but hubby and i liked it.
didn't watch the other one yet tho. watched american idol, and happy feet, and here i am. in my bed. ya know this bed isn't very old...maybe three years...and it is really beginning to suck ! that or my back is just getting worse. but i want a new bed. we had our last one for like twelve years, eleven maybe. it held up a lot longer than this one befor it started to get uncomfortable. now here i am, insomniac from hell, with a shitty bed to boot. aint it great?
so anyhow...i guess i shall throw a couple pics on here and call it a day.
more tomorrow...maybe. i have lots to do. so we shall see.
well i must go...the entire clan just came in and is reading over my shoulder...or at least i feel like it.
later
Monday, March 26, 2007
It's An Old Lady Day For Sure
i could just scream right now. i just wrote a very lengthy, and for once in quite sometime, a quite humorous blog entry... ONLY to LOSE it before i saved it !!! oh how frustrating is that!
i will never be able to reproduce the post i lost. you would have enjoyed it. i didn't even get to read it back to myself...i wrote the final word, then *POOF* it was gone. what a drag.
well anyhow... i will attempt to get it online this time.
see what lack of sleep does to a person? it's 10:45 in the morning and i already need a nap!
so anyways. hubby and i did actually get out yesterday. daughter didn't want to be seen with the humiliating "parents"...so she stayed home. but, we weren't going to let her stop us from getting out for a while. so, we went to the movies, and got some grub. we ate at R.J. Gators. we had never eaten there before...it was pretty good, and not too expensive either, for seafood.
after that we went and saw.. "Premonition". for some, it may be a pretty good movie. for me, well it was just ok. actually, for me, it was downright Disturbing. if i would have known the depth of the content , i wouldn't have seen it. at least not at this point in time. i guess it's an alright movie...for those who don't have "issues". but it just bothered me at points. hubby, had a problem with a bit of it too... due to MY "issues". poor guy. he wanted to go see Shooter... i wish we would have now!
OMG... my damn min pin is trying to have sex with my cat !!! and they are both FEMALE. that is just wrong. sick....and...wrong.
so anyhow, after the movie, we took a trip to hell. er, i mean wal mart. i hate that place ! i swear, every time i go there i have heart palpitations ! but, i guess this time wasn't so bad, cuz hubby was there too. for some reason, it's doesn't seem THAT bad when he is with me. but that is a rare occasion.
after wally hell, we went to blockbuster. we didn't really want to go there either, but i had a late movie, and had to go. so we just went in, grabbed a couple new movies...which we didn't watch, and i don't even remember what they are right now... but hey, i didn't get charged the late fee i owed ! so that was good.
so anyhow, we FINALLY got home. by this time, i was "plum give out".. as my aunt says. i really was. my back was locked up...and was this morning...and even more so now. so last night i just collapsed on the couch and vegitated in front of the tv, until the apprentice was over, then i went to bed. i was hoping for a good nights sleep...but of course...it didn't happen. i layed there, and layed there...forever it seemed. the never ending insomnia. and of course, was up at the crack of black this morning. gotta love it. man, if i ever sleep til 6:30 or 7:00 i consider it to be a gift from God! but ... it's been a while since i've slept that "late". ugh.
well, hubby is off work today...and daughter is at school...hubby drove her for me today...woo hoo...then he went on a short fishing excursion around a small pond near our house. well... for the last few days, we have been planning on having a ... well, a "date" today, if ya know what i mean. well... i guess what they say is true... it really is "a drag getting old". first it started with me waking up with my back in knots...and only worsening with every moment...not to mention my dire need of some sleep. but..... hubby called a while ago, to inform me that he was on his way home.... his voice sounded strange, so i said, you don't sound good.... he said.... "I fell down, and hurt my shoulder; trying to save my fishing rod!!"
good Lord! can you believe that? well... hubby is a pretty big guy, and you know what they say... the bigger they are, the harder they fall....well...i've seen him fall before, and he does fall HARD. so i ran him a bath to soak in, and began to post my blog. what a life eh? we finally both have a free day together, and now we are both too self absorbed in our pain to even want to have our "date". LOL. but hey... just like the guy who falls without spilling a drop of his beer... hubby saved the fishing rod !!!! and i guess in so doing... i might get my nap!
i will never be able to reproduce the post i lost. you would have enjoyed it. i didn't even get to read it back to myself...i wrote the final word, then *POOF* it was gone. what a drag.
well anyhow... i will attempt to get it online this time.
see what lack of sleep does to a person? it's 10:45 in the morning and i already need a nap!
so anyways. hubby and i did actually get out yesterday. daughter didn't want to be seen with the humiliating "parents"...so she stayed home. but, we weren't going to let her stop us from getting out for a while. so, we went to the movies, and got some grub. we ate at R.J. Gators. we had never eaten there before...it was pretty good, and not too expensive either, for seafood.
after that we went and saw.. "Premonition". for some, it may be a pretty good movie. for me, well it was just ok. actually, for me, it was downright Disturbing. if i would have known the depth of the content , i wouldn't have seen it. at least not at this point in time. i guess it's an alright movie...for those who don't have "issues". but it just bothered me at points. hubby, had a problem with a bit of it too... due to MY "issues". poor guy. he wanted to go see Shooter... i wish we would have now!
OMG... my damn min pin is trying to have sex with my cat !!! and they are both FEMALE. that is just wrong. sick....and...wrong.
so anyhow, after the movie, we took a trip to hell. er, i mean wal mart. i hate that place ! i swear, every time i go there i have heart palpitations ! but, i guess this time wasn't so bad, cuz hubby was there too. for some reason, it's doesn't seem THAT bad when he is with me. but that is a rare occasion.
after wally hell, we went to blockbuster. we didn't really want to go there either, but i had a late movie, and had to go. so we just went in, grabbed a couple new movies...which we didn't watch, and i don't even remember what they are right now... but hey, i didn't get charged the late fee i owed ! so that was good.
so anyhow, we FINALLY got home. by this time, i was "plum give out".. as my aunt says. i really was. my back was locked up...and was this morning...and even more so now. so last night i just collapsed on the couch and vegitated in front of the tv, until the apprentice was over, then i went to bed. i was hoping for a good nights sleep...but of course...it didn't happen. i layed there, and layed there...forever it seemed. the never ending insomnia. and of course, was up at the crack of black this morning. gotta love it. man, if i ever sleep til 6:30 or 7:00 i consider it to be a gift from God! but ... it's been a while since i've slept that "late". ugh.
well, hubby is off work today...and daughter is at school...hubby drove her for me today...woo hoo...then he went on a short fishing excursion around a small pond near our house. well... for the last few days, we have been planning on having a ... well, a "date" today, if ya know what i mean. well... i guess what they say is true... it really is "a drag getting old". first it started with me waking up with my back in knots...and only worsening with every moment...not to mention my dire need of some sleep. but..... hubby called a while ago, to inform me that he was on his way home.... his voice sounded strange, so i said, you don't sound good.... he said.... "I fell down, and hurt my shoulder; trying to save my fishing rod!!"
good Lord! can you believe that? well... hubby is a pretty big guy, and you know what they say... the bigger they are, the harder they fall....well...i've seen him fall before, and he does fall HARD. so i ran him a bath to soak in, and began to post my blog. what a life eh? we finally both have a free day together, and now we are both too self absorbed in our pain to even want to have our "date". LOL. but hey... just like the guy who falls without spilling a drop of his beer... hubby saved the fishing rod !!!! and i guess in so doing... i might get my nap!
Sunday, March 25, 2007
Half way out????
ola my peeps. well, i know my last several posts have sounded , well, a bit dismal i guess. to say the least. but , today just seems a little, not that bad. which is a good thing. i mean i don't feel wonderful... but i don't feel like jumping off a bridge either. which, by the way, has never been "on my list"... in case you wondered. so anyhow, ya, today is alright. i'm sorta tired...well, actually i'm very tired. i slept about five hours last night. but i've done that before, and lived through it. i'm sure it won't kill me this time.
so. what's different about today? i don't know. i didn't get to sleep til real late, and the dumb dogs woke me up at like six or so this morning wanting to go out. Midnight...the mange girl.. well she figured out that if she flips her fat ass tail against the window blinds in the bedroom, next to the bed, i wake up a lot faster than when she just pants in my face ! so, brilliant as she is in her senility, she slapped the blinds around til i couldn't stand it any more and put them out. then i made coffee, and did my good ole smoke and choke routine. (half a pot of coffee and a half a pack of cigs....before anything else). so while i was sittin there feeling guilty for smoking in the house...again...i began to watch the only televangelist that i will dare watch on tv.... Joel Osteen. (i used to watch his dad years ago, and liked him too...but he died, then Joel took over the ministry)...so anyhow. i swear, it was really a message that i needed to hear. it rarely isn't when it comes from him. but it was about...beleive it or not... letting go of the past...and not listening to the criticizing voices in your mind. and he didn't mean like psychotic voices...he meant the stuff that just comes up and tells us how worthless we are, how our life will never change, how this is our punishment, our lot in life....and how it isn't true !!!! well, it isn't like i have never heard that before. i guess i just never heard it when i needed to hear it, as much as i needed to hear it today. i think maybe the difference in today than the passed many... is that perhaps i feel...or see... maybe, just a glimmer of hope. instead of a ray of hopelessNESS. ya know? and i'm behind in everything...housework, dishes, laundry, all that jazz...as usual. my back hurts...as usual...i have no food in the house....as usual....but ya know.....i think i just don't care all that much today about that. i'm not gonna let it paralyze me. i think i just might gather up the hubby and girl, and get out of the house. ya i know...shocking, aint it? but maybe we will go to a movie, or just something... away from here. together. not everyone in their own seperate room, on their own seperate computer, doing their own seperate thing.
well...maybe i'll write more later...maybe i won't...but til next time
happy sunday
Sunday, March 18, 2007
simple things make simple people happy i recon
well, i saw the coolest thing ever yesterday ! i went to pick my daughter up from a friends' house... and i had never been there before. these people had a extremely nice home. i really liked it. and the mom was nice. we talked about our bad backs , and physical limitations... and lazy kids. LOL. but anyhow... we went into the living room, and i saw something i had never seen in a private home before.... guess what it was.... a roll around laundry cart !!! i was thrilled ! i said... where did you get that!!!? she got it at "the container store"... due to her back problems... it is really a great help for her. so anyhow. today when i told my husband about it...and how i want one !!! i told him that my reaction to seeing that ROLL AROUND LAUNDRY CART (woo hoo)... was like that of a "normal" woman seeing a beautiful diamond ring ! my longing for this cart is obsessive ! i am going to buy it TODAY. even though i really shouldn't, because we are a little strapped right now... but man. i could actually do laundry...without hurting my back from carrying it all thru the house... and... i would probably do it more often, because i won't be dreading the carrying part ! yes, yes i am a simple person. ans so damn easy to please it's scary sometimes. a damn laundry cart is the main thing that will bring me longstanding happiness. not a new dress, or jewelry...sex could make a difference...but we won't go there. anyhow..... i'm gettin a laundry cart. and i might even wash my eight loads of laundry after i get it home !!! i wish i would have known about these things years ago.
ok... anyways. today is the last day of spring break. it has been all work and no play for this gal.
BUT... my med records are finally DONE...except for hi lighting about two hundred more pages. but, they are now in TWO binders... one is in order of symptoms/diagnosis...the other is in chronological order. i do believe that i have a very good "case" to present to the VA now. i am actually quite angry that they had previously denied my request for disability years ago...even though i was, and am on social security disability for the same disabilities, diagnoses.... but really...having read through all this stuff...twenty years worth of this crap.... it's all blatantly written out in front of "you" to see. ugh. how frustrating is that! the government and their damned money! ya right. i gave them my back, and my mind...and they don't think they should give me anything???? well, THIS time, they can't deny it. and if they do...i will fight til they acknowledge that i am right in this. i gave them eight years of my life and they took away the last thirteen. (you may be wondering, why the obsession with this?... well... the navy doctors could have and should have helped my son...the one who died at four and a half months old in 1989...because he had asthma, and I knew it. he wheezed since birth and was at the doctor every other day or week...for over four months. BUT because he didn't have a family history of asthma (that I knew of)..they REFUSED to test him for asthma. his cause of death... ASTHMA!)
soooooooooo.... for that.... and the life they sucked out of me because of it...... they are going to pay me what i am due...and in so doing.... it will ensure that my daughter goes to college, and leaves home with some money. not just a suitcase and a car, and a take care of yourself kind of send off. no. she is going to be set up, and ready. that is why i'm doing this. for her. and perhaps a little justice on my part. mainly... for my girl though. five more years, and she will be ready for college, and at this rate... we won't be ready for that. she deserves to have a good life...a good future. a chance at being and doing what she wants, and being who she is. that's what i want for her.
and for me.... well, maybe if the va...or whoever "the big guy is in that organization... will see, that yes, they are a HUGE reason that i stand where i stand in life today. in a life that not only affects me...but my whole family in many ways as well. maybe if they will just somehow, admit, they killed my son.... i will begin to heal. who knows. maybe i will be like this forever. but if my mind would rest...i could live better with the physical stuff. it's just hard to be so mental. for so long.
well. that's it...for now. guess i just needed to vent. or "explore my feelings"...as a therapist would say. "go with that".
ha! what crap. i would make a better therapist than many i have seen over the years...and my knowledge is not a college degree. i just can't believe the crap some of them spew at people with real problems. "try walking....eat yogurt".....MY GOD. i have paid people to tell me that !!!!
yo bitch...read my diagnosis for starters. walking and yogurt won't help ME! try doing your job for a change.
ok. i'm done.
little resentment flowin out there. oops.
maybe i shall write later when i'm not so frustrated.
but for now...i'm goin to buy my laundry cart! yippee. gosh am i retarded???? just tell me.
ok... anyways. today is the last day of spring break. it has been all work and no play for this gal.
BUT... my med records are finally DONE...except for hi lighting about two hundred more pages. but, they are now in TWO binders... one is in order of symptoms/diagnosis...the other is in chronological order. i do believe that i have a very good "case" to present to the VA now. i am actually quite angry that they had previously denied my request for disability years ago...even though i was, and am on social security disability for the same disabilities, diagnoses.... but really...having read through all this stuff...twenty years worth of this crap.... it's all blatantly written out in front of "you" to see. ugh. how frustrating is that! the government and their damned money! ya right. i gave them my back, and my mind...and they don't think they should give me anything???? well, THIS time, they can't deny it. and if they do...i will fight til they acknowledge that i am right in this. i gave them eight years of my life and they took away the last thirteen. (you may be wondering, why the obsession with this?... well... the navy doctors could have and should have helped my son...the one who died at four and a half months old in 1989...because he had asthma, and I knew it. he wheezed since birth and was at the doctor every other day or week...for over four months. BUT because he didn't have a family history of asthma (that I knew of)..they REFUSED to test him for asthma. his cause of death... ASTHMA!)
soooooooooo.... for that.... and the life they sucked out of me because of it...... they are going to pay me what i am due...and in so doing.... it will ensure that my daughter goes to college, and leaves home with some money. not just a suitcase and a car, and a take care of yourself kind of send off. no. she is going to be set up, and ready. that is why i'm doing this. for her. and perhaps a little justice on my part. mainly... for my girl though. five more years, and she will be ready for college, and at this rate... we won't be ready for that. she deserves to have a good life...a good future. a chance at being and doing what she wants, and being who she is. that's what i want for her.
and for me.... well, maybe if the va...or whoever "the big guy is in that organization... will see, that yes, they are a HUGE reason that i stand where i stand in life today. in a life that not only affects me...but my whole family in many ways as well. maybe if they will just somehow, admit, they killed my son.... i will begin to heal. who knows. maybe i will be like this forever. but if my mind would rest...i could live better with the physical stuff. it's just hard to be so mental. for so long.
well. that's it...for now. guess i just needed to vent. or "explore my feelings"...as a therapist would say. "go with that".
ha! what crap. i would make a better therapist than many i have seen over the years...and my knowledge is not a college degree. i just can't believe the crap some of them spew at people with real problems. "try walking....eat yogurt".....MY GOD. i have paid people to tell me that !!!!
yo bitch...read my diagnosis for starters. walking and yogurt won't help ME! try doing your job for a change.
ok. i'm done.
little resentment flowin out there. oops.
maybe i shall write later when i'm not so frustrated.
but for now...i'm goin to buy my laundry cart! yippee. gosh am i retarded???? just tell me.
Thursday, March 15, 2007
WE ALL LIVE IN A YELLOW SUBMARINE (dot dot dot)
good Lord. why do i always sing the worst possible songs in the world...over and over and over again???? aaallll morning long today ...
we all live in a yellow submarine...
wanna know the worst part...those are the only words i know in that song. i swear it'll kill me if it doesn't go away!
have you ever sat and looked around at your house and thought to yourself... "how in the world can my house be in such disarray, when i never go anywhere, or do anything?" have you? well, i ask myself that question quite often. i wonder how it gets this bad, and seemingly, so fast. yes, a day or two may pass that i don't clean much, and often more than that will pass with dishes piling up...but i'll at least straighten up in the kitchen etc. but it seems that in an instant i'll just be sitting in the living room, or standing in the kitchen...and i will "suddenly" realize that the entire house looks like a train has just run through it !!! all i can do is wonder... where was i when this happened....or, didn't i just clean this place yesterday? i just don't get it. do i have brain damage or something???? it really isn't a slow progression into a cluttered , messy house.... it honestly seems to be an instant massive destructive wave of terror !!!! i just don't get it. it's like i have just awakened from a coma, and realized that i'm in someone elses home... or HELL !!!
so.... to all of you who complain that you work too hard, and wish you could stay home etc.... just realize this.....
when you stay home for too long...it becomes your prison...and you somehow, eventually get lost in some mythical labyrinth of despair and hopelessness that has no exit. and when you have the brief moments of alertness, you cannot handle the reality of your "new surroundings" that have become your life, your self... so you return to the safety within yourself.. because your internal hell, seems better than your external hell, that is your reality.
so anyhow... i think that was my other personality speaking. because i have no idea what i just said or where it came from.
we alll live in a yelllow submarine, a yellow submarine, a yellow submarine (dot dot dot)
we all live in a yellow submarine...
wanna know the worst part...those are the only words i know in that song. i swear it'll kill me if it doesn't go away!
have you ever sat and looked around at your house and thought to yourself... "how in the world can my house be in such disarray, when i never go anywhere, or do anything?" have you? well, i ask myself that question quite often. i wonder how it gets this bad, and seemingly, so fast. yes, a day or two may pass that i don't clean much, and often more than that will pass with dishes piling up...but i'll at least straighten up in the kitchen etc. but it seems that in an instant i'll just be sitting in the living room, or standing in the kitchen...and i will "suddenly" realize that the entire house looks like a train has just run through it !!! all i can do is wonder... where was i when this happened....or, didn't i just clean this place yesterday? i just don't get it. do i have brain damage or something???? it really isn't a slow progression into a cluttered , messy house.... it honestly seems to be an instant massive destructive wave of terror !!!! i just don't get it. it's like i have just awakened from a coma, and realized that i'm in someone elses home... or HELL !!!
so.... to all of you who complain that you work too hard, and wish you could stay home etc.... just realize this.....
when you stay home for too long...it becomes your prison...and you somehow, eventually get lost in some mythical labyrinth of despair and hopelessness that has no exit. and when you have the brief moments of alertness, you cannot handle the reality of your "new surroundings" that have become your life, your self... so you return to the safety within yourself.. because your internal hell, seems better than your external hell, that is your reality.
so anyhow... i think that was my other personality speaking. because i have no idea what i just said or where it came from.
we alll live in a yelllow submarine, a yellow submarine, a yellow submarine (dot dot dot)
Thursday, February 22, 2007
aching muscles and ADHD dogs
nobody likes me, everybody hates me,
guess I'll go eat worms
big ones little ones, ushy gooshy smooshy ones
worms that like to squirm.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
yep, another stupid song stuck in my head...AND my dumbass dog yapping constantly in the back yard. someday someone is gonna call the police or animal control on me because of her. she is so stupid. a few days ago..i don't know why i always say a few days ago...or the other day...it could be three months ago and i'll say the other day...this time it was probably last week...but anyways... i went out to call my dogs in...which i really need to do right now before i have a stroke due to the constant head reeling yapping of that little stupid dog!
PHEW... ok, ... anyways... where was i..ok... last week sometime..i went to call them inside, and they didn't come....i called several times, and usually , at least one of them will come if the other is preoccupied...or doing something wrong. so when neither one came after i called them three or four times, i got worried, and went over to the side of the house where i couldn't see, and i found them BOTH...chewing on a freshly killed bird !!!!! my guess is that the min pin did it...because my lab , not only is she just too slow and old... she has lost most of her teeth too... the min pin is very fast and wild and can jump probably four feet or higher if she wants to. but it was pretty gross...and sad too...for the bird i mean. so i..ya, me...had to pick up this dead bloody bird...by his foot..ICK..and toss him over the fence...where my husband was...cuz he went to the front yard to see if the dogs got out over there...so anyhow he tossed the bird in the trash over there. and i put the dumb dogs in the house.
blech. what if they get bird flu. ewwwwe.
ok, anyhow. what the hell am i babbling about. i don't even know. i feel like utter hell. i have for like a week. not just cuz i smoked. i just feel BAD. i'm having anxiety attacks, headaches, i'm tired, just icky feelin. i think i need to sleep for like twelve hours, but i can't even take a decent nap. i think i took a nap a couple times this past week,or so, but neither was longer than maybe 45 minutes. what happened to my three hour naps i was beating myself up over??? i sure could use one now.
i could also use some sort of pain killer. i have nothing stronger than tylenol, and i do believe that i am truly immune to it. it does nothing at all for me. it doesn't matter if i take two, or three, or four. it won't even touch a minor headache, not to mention back pain, or the pain i'm having now. i hurt EVERYWHERE. mainly my head...i have a migraine.. i will be taking an imitrex shot for that soon tho, soo that will be ok shortly. but man i tell ya, my back, legs, and arms...even my butt cheeks... don't ask me how my butt is sore... but i did some MAJOR scrubbing of toilets, floors, tubs etc yesterday, and boy am i paying for it today. i told ya i wasn't the best housekeeper... well, i'll tell ya... and i'm embarrassed to admit, but my bathrooms were very SCRUB WORTHY. that's the best word i can come up with. it took me literally two to three hours to clean two small bathrooms ! HORRIBLE. not just the condition of them... but me allowing them to get that way. i am deeply ashamed of myself !!!! but... now i am also proud of myself. i have a fresh start there. right. we always have a chance to start anew right?
i also did a lot of work the day before in my living room/ dining room, and kitchen.
it's really starting to look good. i really need to do some decorating in this house. i haven't done much with the place at all. it's a rental, but we've lived here for like five months-ish. i just have this fear of moving again. it is horrible on me physically AND mentally to move. the packing, lifting, etc. i just honestly don't think i have it in me to do it again. so i have this very real fear of unpacking everything, and getting all "set up" etc... just to un-do and pack and move it all.. again. it could "literally" kill me. i don't even want to think about it. and i CAN"T even think about paying someone 2 or 3 thousand dollars to do it for me. so.... i just can't get motivated to do anything. can you say AAAARRRRGGGGHHHH?
well, speaking of motivation... i think i shall go pretend i have some. riiiiiight. maybe not. at least i made a list. perhaps i'll get to that tomorrow. today i think i'm gonna lounge around and do nothing... errrr ugh... i mean rest my sore muscles. ya that's it. well, at least until i pick my girl up , and take her to a dr. appointment.
bye
guess I'll go eat worms
big ones little ones, ushy gooshy smooshy ones
worms that like to squirm.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
yep, another stupid song stuck in my head...AND my dumbass dog yapping constantly in the back yard. someday someone is gonna call the police or animal control on me because of her. she is so stupid. a few days ago..i don't know why i always say a few days ago...or the other day...it could be three months ago and i'll say the other day...this time it was probably last week...but anyways... i went out to call my dogs in...which i really need to do right now before i have a stroke due to the constant head reeling yapping of that little stupid dog!
PHEW... ok, ... anyways... where was i..ok... last week sometime..i went to call them inside, and they didn't come....i called several times, and usually , at least one of them will come if the other is preoccupied...or doing something wrong. so when neither one came after i called them three or four times, i got worried, and went over to the side of the house where i couldn't see, and i found them BOTH...chewing on a freshly killed bird !!!!! my guess is that the min pin did it...because my lab , not only is she just too slow and old... she has lost most of her teeth too... the min pin is very fast and wild and can jump probably four feet or higher if she wants to. but it was pretty gross...and sad too...for the bird i mean. so i..ya, me...had to pick up this dead bloody bird...by his foot..ICK..and toss him over the fence...where my husband was...cuz he went to the front yard to see if the dogs got out over there...so anyhow he tossed the bird in the trash over there. and i put the dumb dogs in the house.
blech. what if they get bird flu. ewwwwe.
ok, anyhow. what the hell am i babbling about. i don't even know. i feel like utter hell. i have for like a week. not just cuz i smoked. i just feel BAD. i'm having anxiety attacks, headaches, i'm tired, just icky feelin. i think i need to sleep for like twelve hours, but i can't even take a decent nap. i think i took a nap a couple times this past week,or so, but neither was longer than maybe 45 minutes. what happened to my three hour naps i was beating myself up over??? i sure could use one now.
i could also use some sort of pain killer. i have nothing stronger than tylenol, and i do believe that i am truly immune to it. it does nothing at all for me. it doesn't matter if i take two, or three, or four. it won't even touch a minor headache, not to mention back pain, or the pain i'm having now. i hurt EVERYWHERE. mainly my head...i have a migraine.. i will be taking an imitrex shot for that soon tho, soo that will be ok shortly. but man i tell ya, my back, legs, and arms...even my butt cheeks... don't ask me how my butt is sore... but i did some MAJOR scrubbing of toilets, floors, tubs etc yesterday, and boy am i paying for it today. i told ya i wasn't the best housekeeper... well, i'll tell ya... and i'm embarrassed to admit, but my bathrooms were very SCRUB WORTHY. that's the best word i can come up with. it took me literally two to three hours to clean two small bathrooms ! HORRIBLE. not just the condition of them... but me allowing them to get that way. i am deeply ashamed of myself !!!! but... now i am also proud of myself. i have a fresh start there. right. we always have a chance to start anew right?
i also did a lot of work the day before in my living room/ dining room, and kitchen.
it's really starting to look good. i really need to do some decorating in this house. i haven't done much with the place at all. it's a rental, but we've lived here for like five months-ish. i just have this fear of moving again. it is horrible on me physically AND mentally to move. the packing, lifting, etc. i just honestly don't think i have it in me to do it again. so i have this very real fear of unpacking everything, and getting all "set up" etc... just to un-do and pack and move it all.. again. it could "literally" kill me. i don't even want to think about it. and i CAN"T even think about paying someone 2 or 3 thousand dollars to do it for me. so.... i just can't get motivated to do anything. can you say AAAARRRRGGGGHHHH?
well, speaking of motivation... i think i shall go pretend i have some. riiiiiight. maybe not. at least i made a list. perhaps i'll get to that tomorrow. today i think i'm gonna lounge around and do nothing... errrr ugh... i mean rest my sore muscles. ya that's it. well, at least until i pick my girl up , and take her to a dr. appointment.
bye
Friday, February 16, 2007
another day filled with good intentions gone bad
ahhhhhhhhhhhh. another day in paradise. Hands full of anti-depressants, and other various prescription medication... the wonderful flavor of nicotine gum, indecisiveness, and procrastination...the constant yapping of my little crazy min-pin, the constant whining of my old lady lab (for reasons i do not know/ pain? maybe) , the bitterness within myself due to the cold weather and wanting of a cigarette. the inability to motivate myself to actually do anything productive with my day. *SIGH*, *HEAVY SIGH*.
yes, my readers, i am in quite the negative state of mind at this moment in time. but... if ya think in terms of newtons law... i think it is "newtons"? anyhow.. "for every action, there is an equal, and opposite reaction."
right? well..... let's say, we look at the thought process in that perspective... "for every thought, there is an equal and opposite thought. (or, possibility of thought/or action). right?
for example.... my medication. yes. it really does piss me off at times that i have to take so much medicine...to be basically somewhat level headed, and healthy. BUT.... i could .. and perhaps should... look at it in this way: i should be greatful that A) God has given people the ability to come up with these medications that can do what they do for people...including ME. and B) i should be thanking God that i am able to afford these medications that keep me stable, and healthy. because without them... i honestly could be dead, or hospitalized ! but... most of the time, i don't think that way... i dread taking my meds, and there have been times i DIDN"T take them for long periods, and every time i ended up in or at the hospital! it takes a lot of self discipline to take 15 or more pills EVERY damned day of the week. but , i do it. or at least try to.
or, let's say my yappy little dog, with her ear drum piercing barking. it's enough to make me want to rip her head off sometimes. BUT. i know, that there is no way that anybody is ever going to break in this house or even come close to it, without her causing a ruckus. sooo. she's a good watch dog. she just doesn't know how to distinguish what to bark at and what not to (yet).
and , the smoking.... today is day ELEVEN. no, i can't believe it myself. but it is. but, my natural thought process is to feel deprived. i feel like i am not getting what i want. i'm not able to do what i want, which is to smoke. i miss my cigarettes, i honestly do. and i could, and sometimes do, think that way a lot. i want, i need , poor me. smoke smoke smoke. blah blah...cry me a river. but... the reality of it is... this is a good thing. it is going to be better for a lot of my health issues, the Addison's, the fibromyalgia, my dental problems, ...also... it will be good for my family's health as well. they won't be forced to breathe all the second hand smoke. i was a two pack a day smoker...that is a LOT of smoke for a non smoker to breathe...especially a child !!!
so, yes, i really should try to turn all this negativity around in my head. i can really get down on myself, and my life, a lot of the time. but really it is not the way i should be looking at my life. it's just not.
ok.. (soulmange gets off of her soap box, and takes her meds)
blech...gag me. but... that's done...til tonight.
ok. what now? i do not know what to write about now. i had a hectic morning, but that's really not that unusual around here. so i won't bother you with the details. i guess i will just try to do something productive for a while, and get back to you later.
by the way... does anybody know why dogs like to eat cat ... well... why do dogs dine on litter box leavins??? yes, i am speaking of the min-pin. she is SUCH an excruciatingly painful pain in my A**
ok... soulmange, out !
OH GUESS WHAT !!
besides the fact that almost THREE HOURS has passed since i last wrote on here...and i still haven't done anything productive....not even gotten dressed! for the love of pete...what is wrong with me?? someone please please please...tell me this too shall pass and is part of the nicotine withdrawl !!!
anyhow.... i learned something yesterday. it is something that i have actually wondered for many years. it is also a scientific FACT. i was watching "the most extreme" on animal planet channel on tv last night... and they were showing how different animals communicate with each other...right...okay....so anyow... they get to herring. the fish. well.... i never knew this , but, they communicate by allowing air to escape through their ... well.... their butt. yes, it is a bit amusing. but it is also true ! it is also apparently quite loud. well the name for this communication (noise) is... Fast Repetitive Tick .... also known as "F.R.T." ! SO there ya have it. that is where the word FART came from.
well. i guess ya really do learn something new every day. i just didn't think i would learn THAT.
ok...more later. maybe.
YEP.. I"M BACK AGAIN....
(ya, to respond to that first comment.... i wasn't kidding ! i've fallen and i can't GET UP! i'm so lazy i could cry.)
anyhow.... it's friday night, like a quarter til 9, and what am I doing? i surely am not getting all prettied up to go out. i'm not even preparing myself to curl up and watch a scary movie with my family. nope. i'm layin on my aching back, with the tv on mute because there is nothing i care to watch on the dang thing, and i'm listening to my stomach growl...even though it was filled less than four hours ago...and even had a snack an hour ago...ugh. and of course i am reading blogs. i am gonna put this darn laptop away for the night when i finish this post though. i swear i am getting blinder by the day. my eyes water, and get blurry and i get headaches...cuz i read online all day long. i also think this nicotine gum is destroying all my fillings in my teeth. it's beginning to taste metalic in my mouth and even a bit of tooth pain at times. this is just great. i'm broke, achy, lazy, blind, and soon to be toothless and fat....but dammit, i aint smokin !
well, i hope you all have a good weekend !
yes, my readers, i am in quite the negative state of mind at this moment in time. but... if ya think in terms of newtons law... i think it is "newtons"? anyhow.. "for every action, there is an equal, and opposite reaction."
right? well..... let's say, we look at the thought process in that perspective... "for every thought, there is an equal and opposite thought. (or, possibility of thought/or action). right?
for example.... my medication. yes. it really does piss me off at times that i have to take so much medicine...to be basically somewhat level headed, and healthy. BUT.... i could .. and perhaps should... look at it in this way: i should be greatful that A) God has given people the ability to come up with these medications that can do what they do for people...including ME. and B) i should be thanking God that i am able to afford these medications that keep me stable, and healthy. because without them... i honestly could be dead, or hospitalized ! but... most of the time, i don't think that way... i dread taking my meds, and there have been times i DIDN"T take them for long periods, and every time i ended up in or at the hospital! it takes a lot of self discipline to take 15 or more pills EVERY damned day of the week. but , i do it. or at least try to.
or, let's say my yappy little dog, with her ear drum piercing barking. it's enough to make me want to rip her head off sometimes. BUT. i know, that there is no way that anybody is ever going to break in this house or even come close to it, without her causing a ruckus. sooo. she's a good watch dog. she just doesn't know how to distinguish what to bark at and what not to (yet).
and , the smoking.... today is day ELEVEN. no, i can't believe it myself. but it is. but, my natural thought process is to feel deprived. i feel like i am not getting what i want. i'm not able to do what i want, which is to smoke. i miss my cigarettes, i honestly do. and i could, and sometimes do, think that way a lot. i want, i need , poor me. smoke smoke smoke. blah blah...cry me a river. but... the reality of it is... this is a good thing. it is going to be better for a lot of my health issues, the Addison's, the fibromyalgia, my dental problems, ...also... it will be good for my family's health as well. they won't be forced to breathe all the second hand smoke. i was a two pack a day smoker...that is a LOT of smoke for a non smoker to breathe...especially a child !!!
so, yes, i really should try to turn all this negativity around in my head. i can really get down on myself, and my life, a lot of the time. but really it is not the way i should be looking at my life. it's just not.
ok.. (soulmange gets off of her soap box, and takes her meds)
blech...gag me. but... that's done...til tonight.
ok. what now? i do not know what to write about now. i had a hectic morning, but that's really not that unusual around here. so i won't bother you with the details. i guess i will just try to do something productive for a while, and get back to you later.
by the way... does anybody know why dogs like to eat cat ... well... why do dogs dine on litter box leavins??? yes, i am speaking of the min-pin. she is SUCH an excruciatingly painful pain in my A**
ok... soulmange, out !
OH GUESS WHAT !!
besides the fact that almost THREE HOURS has passed since i last wrote on here...and i still haven't done anything productive....not even gotten dressed! for the love of pete...what is wrong with me?? someone please please please...tell me this too shall pass and is part of the nicotine withdrawl !!!
anyhow.... i learned something yesterday. it is something that i have actually wondered for many years. it is also a scientific FACT. i was watching "the most extreme" on animal planet channel on tv last night... and they were showing how different animals communicate with each other...right...okay....so anyow... they get to herring. the fish. well.... i never knew this , but, they communicate by allowing air to escape through their ... well.... their butt. yes, it is a bit amusing. but it is also true ! it is also apparently quite loud. well the name for this communication (noise) is... Fast Repetitive Tick .... also known as "F.R.T." ! SO there ya have it. that is where the word FART came from.
well. i guess ya really do learn something new every day. i just didn't think i would learn THAT.
ok...more later. maybe.
YEP.. I"M BACK AGAIN....
(ya, to respond to that first comment.... i wasn't kidding ! i've fallen and i can't GET UP! i'm so lazy i could cry.)
anyhow.... it's friday night, like a quarter til 9, and what am I doing? i surely am not getting all prettied up to go out. i'm not even preparing myself to curl up and watch a scary movie with my family. nope. i'm layin on my aching back, with the tv on mute because there is nothing i care to watch on the dang thing, and i'm listening to my stomach growl...even though it was filled less than four hours ago...and even had a snack an hour ago...ugh. and of course i am reading blogs. i am gonna put this darn laptop away for the night when i finish this post though. i swear i am getting blinder by the day. my eyes water, and get blurry and i get headaches...cuz i read online all day long. i also think this nicotine gum is destroying all my fillings in my teeth. it's beginning to taste metalic in my mouth and even a bit of tooth pain at times. this is just great. i'm broke, achy, lazy, blind, and soon to be toothless and fat....but dammit, i aint smokin !
well, i hope you all have a good weekend !
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