It's An Old Lady Day For Sure

i could just scream right now. i just wrote a very lengthy, and for once in quite sometime, a quite humorous blog entry... ONLY to LOSE it before i saved it !!! oh how frustrating is that!
i will never be able to reproduce the post i lost. you would have enjoyed it. i didn't even get to read it back to myself...i wrote the final word, then *POOF* it was gone. what a drag.

well anyhow... i will attempt to get it online this time.
see what lack of sleep does to a person? it's 10:45 in the morning and i already need a nap!

so anyways. hubby and i did actually get out yesterday. daughter didn't want to be seen with the humiliating "parents"...so she stayed home. but, we weren't going to let her stop us from getting out for a while. so, we went to the movies, and got some grub. we ate at R.J. Gators. we had never eaten there before...it was pretty good, and not too expensive either, for seafood.

after that we went and saw.. "Premonition". for some, it may be a pretty good movie. for me, well it was just ok. actually, for me, it was downright Disturbing. if i would have known the depth of the content , i wouldn't have seen it. at least not at this point in time. i guess it's an alright movie...for those who don't have "issues". but it just bothered me at points. hubby, had a problem with a bit of it too... due to MY "issues". poor guy. he wanted to go see Shooter... i wish we would have now!

OMG... my damn min pin is trying to have sex with my cat !!! and they are both FEMALE. that is just wrong. sick....and...wrong.

so anyhow, after the movie, we took a trip to hell. er, i mean wal mart. i hate that place ! i swear, every time i go there i have heart palpitations ! but, i guess this time wasn't so bad, cuz hubby was there too. for some reason, it's doesn't seem THAT bad when he is with me. but that is a rare occasion.

after wally hell, we went to blockbuster. we didn't really want to go there either, but i had a late movie, and had to go. so we just went in, grabbed a couple new movies...which we didn't watch, and i don't even remember what they are right now... but hey, i didn't get charged the late fee i owed ! so that was good.

so anyhow, we FINALLY got home. by this time, i was "plum give out".. as my aunt says. i really was. my back was locked up...and was this morning...and even more so now. so last night i just collapsed on the couch and vegitated in front of the tv, until the apprentice was over, then i went to bed. i was hoping for a good nights sleep...but of course...it didn't happen. i layed there, and layed there...forever it seemed. the never ending insomnia. and of course, was up at the crack of black this morning. gotta love it. man, if i ever sleep til 6:30 or 7:00 i consider it to be a gift from God! but ... it's been a while since i've slept that "late". ugh.

well, hubby is off work today...and daughter is at school...hubby drove her for me today...woo hoo...then he went on a short fishing excursion around a small pond near our house. well... for the last few days, we have been planning on having a ... well, a "date" today, if ya know what i mean. well... i guess what they say is true... it really is "a drag getting old". first it started with me waking up with my back in knots...and only worsening with every moment...not to mention my dire need of some sleep. but..... hubby called a while ago, to inform me that he was on his way home.... his voice sounded strange, so i said, you don't sound good.... he said.... "I fell down, and hurt my shoulder; trying to save my fishing rod!!"

good Lord! can you believe that? well... hubby is a pretty big guy, and you know what they say... the bigger they are, the harder they fall....well...i've seen him fall before, and he does fall HARD. so i ran him a bath to soak in, and began to post my blog. what a life eh? we finally both have a free day together, and now we are both too self absorbed in our pain to even want to have our "date". LOL. but hey... just like the guy who falls without spilling a drop of his beer... hubby saved the fishing rod !!!! and i guess in so doing... i might get my nap!

Half way out????

ola my peeps. well, i know my last several posts have sounded , well, a bit dismal i guess. to say the least. but , today just seems a little, not that bad. which is a good thing. i mean i don't feel wonderful... but i don't feel like jumping off a bridge either. which, by the way, has never been "on my list"... in case you wondered. so anyhow, ya, today is alright. i'm sorta tired...well, actually i'm very tired. i slept about five hours last night. but i've done that before, and lived through it. i'm sure it won't kill me this time.
so. what's different about today? i don't know. i didn't get to sleep til real late, and the dumb dogs woke me up at like six or so this morning wanting to go out. Midnight...the mange girl.. well she figured out that if she flips her fat ass tail against the window blinds in the bedroom, next to the bed, i wake up a lot faster than when she just pants in my face ! so, brilliant as she is in her senility, she slapped the blinds around til i couldn't stand it any more and put them out. then i made coffee, and did my good ole smoke and choke routine. (half a pot of coffee and a half a pack of cigs....before anything else). so while i was sittin there feeling guilty for smoking in the house...again...i began to watch the only televangelist that i will dare watch on tv.... Joel Osteen. (i used to watch his dad years ago, and liked him too...but he died, then Joel took over the ministry)...so anyhow. i swear, it was really a message that i needed to hear. it rarely isn't when it comes from him. but it was about...beleive it or not... letting go of the past...and not listening to the criticizing voices in your mind. and he didn't mean like psychotic voices...he meant the stuff that just comes up and tells us how worthless we are, how our life will never change, how this is our punishment, our lot in life....and how it isn't true !!!! well, it isn't like i have never heard that before. i guess i just never heard it when i needed to hear it, as much as i needed to hear it today. i think maybe the difference in today than the passed many... is that perhaps i feel...or see... maybe, just a glimmer of hope. instead of a ray of hopelessNESS. ya know? and i'm behind in everything...housework, dishes, laundry, all that jazz...as usual. my back hurts...as usual...i have no food in the house....as usual....but ya know.....i think i just don't care all that much today about that. i'm not gonna let it paralyze me. i think i just might gather up the hubby and girl, and get out of the house. ya i know...shocking, aint it? but maybe we will go to a movie, or just something... away from here. together. not everyone in their own seperate room, on their own seperate computer, doing their own seperate thing.
well...maybe i'll write more later...maybe i won't...but til next time
happy sunday

simple things make simple people happy i recon

well, i saw the coolest thing ever yesterday ! i went to pick my daughter up from a friends' house... and i had never been there before. these people had a extremely nice home. i really liked it. and the mom was nice. we talked about our bad backs , and physical limitations... and lazy kids. LOL. but anyhow... we went into the living room, and i saw something i had never seen in a private home before.... guess what it was.... a roll around laundry cart !!! i was thrilled ! i said... where did you get that!!!? she got it at "the container store"... due to her back problems... it is really a great help for her. so anyhow. today when i told my husband about it...and how i want one !!! i told him that my reaction to seeing that ROLL AROUND LAUNDRY CART (woo hoo)... was like that of a "normal" woman seeing a beautiful diamond ring ! my longing for this cart is obsessive ! i am going to buy it TODAY. even though i really shouldn't, because we are a little strapped right now... but man. i could actually do laundry...without hurting my back from carrying it all thru the house... and... i would probably do it more often, because i won't be dreading the carrying part ! yes, yes i am a simple person. ans so damn easy to please it's scary sometimes. a damn laundry cart is the main thing that will bring me longstanding happiness. not a new dress, or jewelry...sex could make a difference...but we won't go there. anyhow..... i'm gettin a laundry cart. and i might even wash my eight loads of laundry after i get it home !!! i wish i would have known about these things years ago.

ok... anyways. today is the last day of spring break. it has been all work and no play for this gal.
BUT... my med records are finally DONE...except for hi lighting about two hundred more pages. but, they are now in TWO binders... one is in order of symptoms/diagnosis...the other is in chronological order. i do believe that i have a very good "case" to present to the VA now. i am actually quite angry that they had previously denied my request for disability years ago...even though i was, and am on social security disability for the same disabilities, diagnoses.... but really...having read through all this stuff...twenty years worth of this crap.... it's all blatantly written out in front of "you" to see. ugh. how frustrating is that! the government and their damned money! ya right. i gave them my back, and my mind...and they don't think they should give me anything???? well, THIS time, they can't deny it. and if they do...i will fight til they acknowledge that i am right in this. i gave them eight years of my life and they took away the last thirteen. (you may be wondering, why the obsession with this?... well... the navy doctors could have and should have helped my son...the one who died at four and a half months old in 1989...because he had asthma, and I knew it. he wheezed since birth and was at the doctor every other day or week...for over four months. BUT because he didn't have a family history of asthma (that I knew of)..they REFUSED to test him for asthma. his cause of death... ASTHMA!)
soooooooooo.... for that.... and the life they sucked out of me because of it...... they are going to pay me what i am due...and in so doing.... it will ensure that my daughter goes to college, and leaves home with some money. not just a suitcase and a car, and a take care of yourself kind of send off. no. she is going to be set up, and ready. that is why i'm doing this. for her. and perhaps a little justice on my part. mainly... for my girl though. five more years, and she will be ready for college, and at this rate... we won't be ready for that. she deserves to have a good life...a good future. a chance at being and doing what she wants, and being who she is. that's what i want for her.
and for me.... well, maybe if the va...or whoever "the big guy is in that organization... will see, that yes, they are a HUGE reason that i stand where i stand in life today. in a life that not only affects me...but my whole family in many ways as well. maybe if they will just somehow, admit, they killed my son.... i will begin to heal. who knows. maybe i will be like this forever. but if my mind would rest...i could live better with the physical stuff. it's just hard to be so mental. for so long.
well. that's it...for now. guess i just needed to vent. or "explore my feelings"...as a therapist would say. "go with that".
ha! what crap. i would make a better therapist than many i have seen over the years...and my knowledge is not a college degree. i just can't believe the crap some of them spew at people with real problems. "try walking....eat yogurt".....MY GOD. i have paid people to tell me that !!!!
yo bitch...read my diagnosis for starters. walking and yogurt won't help ME! try doing your job for a change.
ok. i'm done.
little resentment flowin out there. oops.
maybe i shall write later when i'm not so frustrated.
but for now...i'm goin to buy my laundry cart! yippee. gosh am i retarded???? just tell me.

WE ALL LIVE IN A YELLOW SUBMARINE (dot dot dot)

good Lord. why do i always sing the worst possible songs in the world...over and over and over again???? aaallll morning long today ...

we all live in a yellow submarine...

wanna know the worst part...those are the only words i know in that song. i swear it'll kill me if it doesn't go away!

have you ever sat and looked around at your house and thought to yourself... "how in the world can my house be in such disarray, when i never go anywhere, or do anything?" have you? well, i ask myself that question quite often. i wonder how it gets this bad, and seemingly, so fast. yes, a day or two may pass that i don't clean much, and often more than that will pass with dishes piling up...but i'll at least straighten up in the kitchen etc. but it seems that in an instant i'll just be sitting in the living room, or standing in the kitchen...and i will "suddenly" realize that the entire house looks like a train has just run through it !!! all i can do is wonder... where was i when this happened....or, didn't i just clean this place yesterday? i just don't get it. do i have brain damage or something???? it really isn't a slow progression into a cluttered , messy house.... it honestly seems to be an instant massive destructive wave of terror !!!! i just don't get it. it's like i have just awakened from a coma, and realized that i'm in someone elses home... or HELL !!!

so.... to all of you who complain that you work too hard, and wish you could stay home etc.... just realize this.....

when you stay home for too long...it becomes your prison...and you somehow, eventually get lost in some mythical labyrinth of despair and hopelessness that has no exit. and when you have the brief moments of alertness, you cannot handle the reality of your "new surroundings" that have become your life, your self... so you return to the safety within yourself.. because your internal hell, seems better than your external hell, that is your reality.

so anyhow... i think that was my other personality speaking. because i have no idea what i just said or where it came from.

we alll live in a yelllow submarine, a yellow submarine, a yellow submarine (dot dot dot)

aching muscles and ADHD dogs

nobody likes me, everybody hates me,
guess I'll go eat worms
big ones little ones, ushy gooshy smooshy ones
worms that like to squirm.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

yep, another stupid song stuck in my head...AND my dumbass dog yapping constantly in the back yard. someday someone is gonna call the police or animal control on me because of her. she is so stupid. a few days ago..i don't know why i always say a few days ago...or the other day...it could be three months ago and i'll say the other day...this time it was probably last week...but anyways... i went out to call my dogs in...which i really need to do right now before i have a stroke due to the constant head reeling yapping of that little stupid dog!
PHEW... ok, ... anyways... where was i..ok... last week sometime..i went to call them inside, and they didn't come....i called several times, and usually , at least one of them will come if the other is preoccupied...or doing something wrong. so when neither one came after i called them three or four times, i got worried, and went over to the side of the house where i couldn't see, and i found them BOTH...chewing on a freshly killed bird !!!!! my guess is that the min pin did it...because my lab , not only is she just too slow and old... she has lost most of her teeth too... the min pin is very fast and wild and can jump probably four feet or higher if she wants to. but it was pretty gross...and sad too...for the bird i mean. so i..ya, me...had to pick up this dead bloody bird...by his foot..ICK..and toss him over the fence...where my husband was...cuz he went to the front yard to see if the dogs got out over there...so anyhow he tossed the bird in the trash over there. and i put the dumb dogs in the house.
blech. what if they get bird flu. ewwwwe.

ok, anyhow. what the hell am i babbling about. i don't even know. i feel like utter hell. i have for like a week. not just cuz i smoked. i just feel BAD. i'm having anxiety attacks, headaches, i'm tired, just icky feelin. i think i need to sleep for like twelve hours, but i can't even take a decent nap. i think i took a nap a couple times this past week,or so, but neither was longer than maybe 45 minutes. what happened to my three hour naps i was beating myself up over??? i sure could use one now.

i could also use some sort of pain killer. i have nothing stronger than tylenol, and i do believe that i am truly immune to it. it does nothing at all for me. it doesn't matter if i take two, or three, or four. it won't even touch a minor headache, not to mention back pain, or the pain i'm having now. i hurt EVERYWHERE. mainly my head...i have a migraine.. i will be taking an imitrex shot for that soon tho, soo that will be ok shortly. but man i tell ya, my back, legs, and arms...even my butt cheeks... don't ask me how my butt is sore... but i did some MAJOR scrubbing of toilets, floors, tubs etc yesterday, and boy am i paying for it today. i told ya i wasn't the best housekeeper... well, i'll tell ya... and i'm embarrassed to admit, but my bathrooms were very SCRUB WORTHY. that's the best word i can come up with. it took me literally two to three hours to clean two small bathrooms ! HORRIBLE. not just the condition of them... but me allowing them to get that way. i am deeply ashamed of myself !!!! but... now i am also proud of myself. i have a fresh start there. right. we always have a chance to start anew right?

i also did a lot of work the day before in my living room/ dining room, and kitchen.
it's really starting to look good. i really need to do some decorating in this house. i haven't done much with the place at all. it's a rental, but we've lived here for like five months-ish. i just have this fear of moving again. it is horrible on me physically AND mentally to move. the packing, lifting, etc. i just honestly don't think i have it in me to do it again. so i have this very real fear of unpacking everything, and getting all "set up" etc... just to un-do and pack and move it all.. again. it could "literally" kill me. i don't even want to think about it. and i CAN"T even think about paying someone 2 or 3 thousand dollars to do it for me. so.... i just can't get motivated to do anything. can you say AAAARRRRGGGGHHHH?

well, speaking of motivation... i think i shall go pretend i have some. riiiiiight. maybe not. at least i made a list. perhaps i'll get to that tomorrow. today i think i'm gonna lounge around and do nothing... errrr ugh... i mean rest my sore muscles. ya that's it. well, at least until i pick my girl up , and take her to a dr. appointment.

bye

another day filled with good intentions gone bad

ahhhhhhhhhhhh. another day in paradise. Hands full of anti-depressants, and other various prescription medication... the wonderful flavor of nicotine gum, indecisiveness, and procrastination...the constant yapping of my little crazy min-pin, the constant whining of my old lady lab (for reasons i do not know/ pain? maybe) , the bitterness within myself due to the cold weather and wanting of a cigarette. the inability to motivate myself to actually do anything productive with my day. *SIGH*, *HEAVY SIGH*.

yes, my readers, i am in quite the negative state of mind at this moment in time. but... if ya think in terms of newtons law... i think it is "newtons"? anyhow.. "for every action, there is an equal, and opposite reaction."

right? well..... let's say, we look at the thought process in that perspective... "for every thought, there is an equal and opposite thought. (or, possibility of thought/or action). right?
for example.... my medication. yes. it really does piss me off at times that i have to take so much medicine...to be basically somewhat level headed, and healthy. BUT.... i could .. and perhaps should... look at it in this way: i should be greatful that A) God has given people the ability to come up with these medications that can do what they do for people...including ME. and B) i should be thanking God that i am able to afford these medications that keep me stable, and healthy. because without them... i honestly could be dead, or hospitalized ! but... most of the time, i don't think that way... i dread taking my meds, and there have been times i DIDN"T take them for long periods, and every time i ended up in or at the hospital! it takes a lot of self discipline to take 15 or more pills EVERY damned day of the week. but , i do it. or at least try to.

or, let's say my yappy little dog, with her ear drum piercing barking. it's enough to make me want to rip her head off sometimes. BUT. i know, that there is no way that anybody is ever going to break in this house or even come close to it, without her causing a ruckus. sooo. she's a good watch dog. she just doesn't know how to distinguish what to bark at and what not to (yet).

and , the smoking.... today is day ELEVEN. no, i can't believe it myself. but it is. but, my natural thought process is to feel deprived. i feel like i am not getting what i want. i'm not able to do what i want, which is to smoke. i miss my cigarettes, i honestly do. and i could, and sometimes do, think that way a lot. i want, i need , poor me. smoke smoke smoke. blah blah...cry me a river. but... the reality of it is... this is a good thing. it is going to be better for a lot of my health issues, the Addison's, the fibromyalgia, my dental problems, ...also... it will be good for my family's health as well. they won't be forced to breathe all the second hand smoke. i was a two pack a day smoker...that is a LOT of smoke for a non smoker to breathe...especially a child !!!
so, yes, i really should try to turn all this negativity around in my head. i can really get down on myself, and my life, a lot of the time. but really it is not the way i should be looking at my life. it's just not.

ok.. (soulmange gets off of her soap box, and takes her meds)

blech...gag me. but... that's done...til tonight.

ok. what now? i do not know what to write about now. i had a hectic morning, but that's really not that unusual around here. so i won't bother you with the details. i guess i will just try to do something productive for a while, and get back to you later.

by the way... does anybody know why dogs like to eat cat ... well... why do dogs dine on litter box leavins??? yes, i am speaking of the min-pin. she is SUCH an excruciatingly painful pain in my A**

ok... soulmange, out !

OH GUESS WHAT !!
besides the fact that almost THREE HOURS has passed since i last wrote on here...and i still haven't done anything productive....not even gotten dressed! for the love of pete...what is wrong with me?? someone please please please...tell me this too shall pass and is part of the nicotine withdrawl !!!

anyhow.... i learned something yesterday. it is something that i have actually wondered for many years. it is also a scientific FACT. i was watching "the most extreme" on animal planet channel on tv last night... and they were showing how different animals communicate with each other...right...okay....so anyow... they get to herring. the fish. well.... i never knew this , but, they communicate by allowing air to escape through their ... well.... their butt. yes, it is a bit amusing. but it is also true ! it is also apparently quite loud. well the name for this communication (noise) is... Fast Repetitive Tick .... also known as "F.R.T." ! SO there ya have it. that is where the word FART came from.
well. i guess ya really do learn something new every day. i just didn't think i would learn THAT.

ok...more later. maybe.

YEP.. I"M BACK AGAIN....

(ya, to respond to that first comment.... i wasn't kidding ! i've fallen and i can't GET UP! i'm so lazy i could cry.)

anyhow.... it's friday night, like a quarter til 9, and what am I doing? i surely am not getting all prettied up to go out. i'm not even preparing myself to curl up and watch a scary movie with my family. nope. i'm layin on my aching back, with the tv on mute because there is nothing i care to watch on the dang thing, and i'm listening to my stomach growl...even though it was filled less than four hours ago...and even had a snack an hour ago...ugh. and of course i am reading blogs. i am gonna put this darn laptop away for the night when i finish this post though. i swear i am getting blinder by the day. my eyes water, and get blurry and i get headaches...cuz i read online all day long. i also think this nicotine gum is destroying all my fillings in my teeth. it's beginning to taste metalic in my mouth and even a bit of tooth pain at times. this is just great. i'm broke, achy, lazy, blind, and soon to be toothless and fat....but dammit, i aint smokin !

well, i hope you all have a good weekend !