Wednesday, March 21, 2012
One question wednesday
I'm in! Blogger was weird yesterday, i couln't get in while trying to log in, of course i thought it was my senile. Luckily after i found my password this morning, it wasn't me this time! Ha! So here i am. I'm supposed to answer a question, asked by on, or anyone, on wednesday. The only question i have is one that i got a week, or twoago... And now i don't know where to find it.. That one is on me. I am senile :((
Gotta get that figured out real quick... K, i got it ... Thank god for text messaging :))
Who taught you how to cook,
..... I more or less taught myself to cook. There were three kids, me brother, my sis, and me, in that birth order.. Our mom was gone a lot and we were alone to fendvfor ourselves from a young age. It seems there was food in the house much of the time, but it was minimal, and not easy for kids to just grab and eat. We had to get creative .. Or starve.
So it really was 'do or die' i was the youngest they were teenagers, schedules were different. We did what we could for or with each other. I just remember cooking a lot more often. I also remember corn flakes with water yum!
What's the most wonderful creation you do well,
These days, over the passed three years or so i barely cook at all anymore.. Unless hubby or daughter is sick. They have become the master chefs around here as my pain level worsens. But before that... I loved cooking. It lived in me, i have never used a cook book in my life! The only recipe i ever need is for baking, the dessert gene skipped me. For the most part, i simply do not bake.
I think my family fave has to be, My chili- verde . That is what is requested the most, even when someone visits.
Hubby n daughter think myntacos are the best too. No idea why or how they are different, but they love em.
As "the cook" i can't pick the best" i just know that everyone likes whatever i cook.
I,m not bragging.. Especially since i don't even cook really. But i do eat what i cook too, and it really is good food.
What was your worst cooking disaster,
Hmmmmm.... MY KITCHEN !!! BAH !
This would have to be the time i forgot about my boiling macaroni - for mac- n - cheese, and i was packing to move. I forgot about it. By the timebi remembered... ALL the water had boiled away andvthe macarini was standing on end!
Yup.. Like little soldiers with black boots! :))
Ok.. I gotta roll on .. Kid has dantal follow uo, and must renew her drivers licence that expiredbon her birthday.. Oops 3/9, bad mom... No, busy mom.
If i wasbrich they would say i had ' exhaustion' but i'm only over- tired i guess.
At least until i collapse. That was comin yesterday i think, but i had to tell my patients.. What arebyall gonna do when somethin happens to ME? I need to rest too. Really, i was , well, exhausted.
Time to get back to it..
Happy humpday
Monday, March 19, 2012
quick update from soul land -
there is a storma comin ! high winds all day , and the thunder just hit -- so i aint stayin here very long. yikes! that was a big one.
anyhow lots of folks have been askin bout hubby- thanks for that. he is doin a lot better than he did after the first surgery-- he had his first follow up with the doc today -- here is what we saw when she unwrapped him ---
anyhow lots of folks have been askin bout hubby- thanks for that. he is doin a lot better than he did after the first surgery-- he had his first follow up with the doc today -- here is what we saw when she unwrapped him ---
sexy eh?
it's healing nicely but it hurts like hell.
obviously he is on pain meds, but he has been able to lower the dose over the last couple days.
here is his new ride, as he can put NO weight on his foot for several more weeks .
he doesn't mind too much - crutches hurt him
ok folks i gotta get offa heah -- storm is bad already --
laterz = love and hugs y'all
the rest of the clan is fine
Sunday, March 18, 2012
I'm Ok, you're ok
Hey folks, i just wanna say thanks to you peoples who've been checkin in, emailing, and calling, and such. I am really doin ok. Better than even i thought i was doing. I'm doin great! I didn't realize that until today til i talked to my really close friend on the phone and she made it clear to me that i am doin better than i knew. I love her for that - and so much more!!!
I have other friends that make me aware of things i don'tbsee too.. And it helps so much!,
A shit ton more than the folks that have comments that bring me don,thinking tey are comedians etc. orbthinking teir sense of humor is 'the way to go'... I have warped sense of humourvtoo.. And it has a way ofkeping me alive at times too. But there are timestoo, that i need a true friendtonunderstand when life is serious.... And y'all that have recently stepped up and taken the time to take things seriosly - i love ya for that. ! Now and always!!!!
Somehow this text got all screwedbup... If you can decipher it, perfect! If not? Sorry.. I can't either :((
Wednesday, March 14, 2012
Oh Lord where are the sleepy gods?
I'll only whine for a sec this time. It's the , well, time. It's 4:25 AM. I have not been to sleep, nor do i have the need or opportunity to do so - at the moment. I can't believe how screwed up my sleep/ non sleep schedule has been this passed week. But i do understand why it has been so impossible, and it hasn't killed me yet, so i reckon it won't.
The only problem about not sleepin last night? Is that i have to take soulman to surgery @ about 530 to be there at 6:00 AM. Not really a big deal. I plan to sit in my car once they take him back , and dont need me anymore. That's what i did last time, and they called me when he woke up.
Other than that, neither of us are too nervous about things anymore. We've had time to talk to docs, get things all set up, get a better idea of the procedure .. All that mumbo jumbo. Sounds worsevthan the first time as far as the actually surgery.. It will involve a titanium plate on the bottom of his foot, shaving off parts of bone, cutting a large tendon, and a much longer recover period.
But - we are more prepared to explain the issues he had with the anestiologist- side effects, how to hopefully prevent or lessen them etc.
And he went back to work too soon last time- that wont happen this time.
God- i felt bad last time for him, he really had a rough couple months. Less worry this time, but, yup..i think we are pretty much more prepared fore before and after.
Ha! And as for my last few posts... Ummmm, i best get the coffee started fro this one... BRB :))
Does anything smell better than fresh brewing coffee? Not to me. They need coffee incence if ya ask me. Do they have it? I gotta find out!
So, anyhow, first, i must say thanks for all the great comments y'all left! They were all so from the heart, and they all meant the world to me. Please never think a word you say goes unnoticed by me! If i don't reply, it's prolly just cuz i don't know what to say... I bet y'all feel that way here too sometimes. I really feel bad when i do that to you. But honestly, ya gotta know by now- i just ,think, and my fingers do the rest!
I know it isn't easy sometimes for you - guess not for me either - but as my buddy 'paxie' put it, 'cathartic' fits rather nicely.
There really is a lot of 'stuff' goin on round here ... For a long while. It piles up, and i play tough, acting like it's all good, and nothing bothers me. Well eventuall, it gets to be too much for me. This time of year - there is a single thing that sends me in a tailspin all on its own. This year there's three things for every one i mentioned. So yeh. Any one 'normal' person would have a tough time, but i think writing it out here, and knowing many of y'all are still here, and rootin for me- made a world of difference!
I ate a few good meals, and aside from last night - maybe one other tossed in there ???? My sleep was improving, food, and sleep is pretty important for me and when that gets out of whack, my mood goes to hell too.
So i been workin on that. Last night, i think i was just worried if i went to sleep, i wouldnt get up on time. So even with my, put a horse down, bed time meds failed me and i just couldn'd sleep. I reckon i shall nap with hubby while he sleeps off his knock out drugs later.
As for the va appts and implants i mentioned for myself? Just the consult is on the 28th of march... It could be months before i know a thing about a thing there.
So - i apologize for bein a crybaby. It's really a lot to carry 'on my own'.
The hardest part is 'feeling' alone in all of it. I just feel like i can't or shouldn't talk about my stuff.. It doesn't ever go well.
I feel like i can't be sick or have problems. I'm supposed to be the strong one. I always have been. All the way back to when i was a kid. People don't handle it well, when 'i can't'
So. I CAN. And, I AM. No matter what it takes, or how long.
I want to stop. I want the crap, and the pain, in and out to stop, but that just isn't gonna happen on it's own. It may not happen at all. But i do have options. They are new, they are scary.. It is my job to research, and do what i can to make new and better things happen in my life!
Thank you all for reminding me of that!!!
Ps- i will be available for words with friends or other time consuming stuffs this mornin... If any of you have time
Bbl - with a cooking question post - as per joz :)) you can always count on soul sis to inspire me eh?
Happy humpday!!
The only problem about not sleepin last night? Is that i have to take soulman to surgery @ about 530 to be there at 6:00 AM. Not really a big deal. I plan to sit in my car once they take him back , and dont need me anymore. That's what i did last time, and they called me when he woke up.
Other than that, neither of us are too nervous about things anymore. We've had time to talk to docs, get things all set up, get a better idea of the procedure .. All that mumbo jumbo. Sounds worsevthan the first time as far as the actually surgery.. It will involve a titanium plate on the bottom of his foot, shaving off parts of bone, cutting a large tendon, and a much longer recover period.
But - we are more prepared to explain the issues he had with the anestiologist- side effects, how to hopefully prevent or lessen them etc.
And he went back to work too soon last time- that wont happen this time.
God- i felt bad last time for him, he really had a rough couple months. Less worry this time, but, yup..i think we are pretty much more prepared fore before and after.
Ha! And as for my last few posts... Ummmm, i best get the coffee started fro this one... BRB :))
Does anything smell better than fresh brewing coffee? Not to me. They need coffee incence if ya ask me. Do they have it? I gotta find out!
So, anyhow, first, i must say thanks for all the great comments y'all left! They were all so from the heart, and they all meant the world to me. Please never think a word you say goes unnoticed by me! If i don't reply, it's prolly just cuz i don't know what to say... I bet y'all feel that way here too sometimes. I really feel bad when i do that to you. But honestly, ya gotta know by now- i just ,think, and my fingers do the rest!
I know it isn't easy sometimes for you - guess not for me either - but as my buddy 'paxie' put it, 'cathartic' fits rather nicely.
There really is a lot of 'stuff' goin on round here ... For a long while. It piles up, and i play tough, acting like it's all good, and nothing bothers me. Well eventuall, it gets to be too much for me. This time of year - there is a single thing that sends me in a tailspin all on its own. This year there's three things for every one i mentioned. So yeh. Any one 'normal' person would have a tough time, but i think writing it out here, and knowing many of y'all are still here, and rootin for me- made a world of difference!
I ate a few good meals, and aside from last night - maybe one other tossed in there ???? My sleep was improving, food, and sleep is pretty important for me and when that gets out of whack, my mood goes to hell too.
So i been workin on that. Last night, i think i was just worried if i went to sleep, i wouldnt get up on time. So even with my, put a horse down, bed time meds failed me and i just couldn'd sleep. I reckon i shall nap with hubby while he sleeps off his knock out drugs later.
As for the va appts and implants i mentioned for myself? Just the consult is on the 28th of march... It could be months before i know a thing about a thing there.
So - i apologize for bein a crybaby. It's really a lot to carry 'on my own'.
The hardest part is 'feeling' alone in all of it. I just feel like i can't or shouldn't talk about my stuff.. It doesn't ever go well.
I feel like i can't be sick or have problems. I'm supposed to be the strong one. I always have been. All the way back to when i was a kid. People don't handle it well, when 'i can't'
So. I CAN. And, I AM. No matter what it takes, or how long.
I want to stop. I want the crap, and the pain, in and out to stop, but that just isn't gonna happen on it's own. It may not happen at all. But i do have options. They are new, they are scary.. It is my job to research, and do what i can to make new and better things happen in my life!
Thank you all for reminding me of that!!!
Ps- i will be available for words with friends or other time consuming stuffs this mornin... If any of you have time
Bbl - with a cooking question post - as per joz :)) you can always count on soul sis to inspire me eh?
Happy humpday!!
Sunday, March 11, 2012
it's 4:21 AM - do you know where your soul is?
mornin, sorta. how are ya doin out there /? i hope to God that the majority of you are sleepin peacefully, at the moment.
as for me - ? second day in a row , that i'm wide awake at this time. if not earlier. fun fun fun. sleep is my new hate.
(almost done - it's now 7:59 - i reckon most of you are up now, geesh i'm slow)
well, non-sleep i should i say. sure there's a couple reasons why i can't sleep. but either way - it sucks. and it's hard to get back on track. reason one - was the girls birthday. her big 18! after the food and festivities , at home, we we went to the movies to see 'the Lorax'. her boy friend came along, and she - we- had a god time. after that we went down to a place in the mall so she could say hi to her best friend - since 7-th 0r 8th grade, just to say hello-. (at her job) -minutes before we get over there - soulkis, 'tells' us - that the two of them will be going to 'denton' after her friend gets off work.
ummm.. hello? you just decided to spring this on us that your goin 30 minutes in each direction out the sticks in texas - after midnight - for three or four hours -- you two girls - alone? and you expect no reaction from us? hmmm. obviously turning 18 means more to you than us. we were not happy. we were in fact a little a trapped in a way. her car is broken down -- since a couple months. the jeep hasn't been safe to dive - or passed inspection/registration.. since we've bought it. what other choice does she have but to drive one of ours? mainly mine. but how are we sposed to pull the you don't have a car - card on her- when it isn't her fault that the car hasn't been fixed? i have tried everything i knew how - to get it fixed. to no avail. i can't fix cars by myself anymore . i used to be good at it. just turned into somethin my mind and and body doesn't allow me to do anymore. i've offered up the credit card ! against everything i believe in these days -- hubby just couldn't get it together. not enough to get it done. we did get a tow-truck out here week or so ago to get it towed and fixed- the tow guy got it started - so hubby knew for sure he'd get it runnin with spark plugs and wires -- did it happen? ha ! in our world? hell no. so - in the passed months - my lil car with 6000 miles has now racked up to 10000 miles + stains. ' can't have nuthin! i am highly upset - but it is safer for her than dad's truck.
so anyhow -- after some discussion with soulman - and his unnecessary roughness - Friday night we let the go - no good reason not to. but not without suffering major sleep deprivation . i didn't take any sleep meds that night - it wasn't that bad for me -- without meds - i could stay up for for days. hubby took his toll tho. it was rough - we're old.
anyhow - yesterday even with a day between - was rough having gone with sleep -- i was up til at least 6 am. i remember recording charlie brown around 5 am. and still up watching the news at 6 ish. no tellin when i actually fell asleep - i think maybe 7 ish, then up around noon. can we say soul- bah-itch.? all day yesterday - not to mention an emotional mess.
i strolled out of my room - at noon, after 3. maybe 4 hours of sleep- not uninterrupted i might add. in search of coffee -- coffee, pain meds, and a quick hello to the fam, and soulkid 2 who had spent the night. --that was all i wanted out of my early day life. all i wanted - then a silent retreat alone in my room for for a while. just to collect my thoughts, and get myself together.
BUT what was i greeted with very first thing, instead? soulkid wanted me to take her to the mall. before my eyes were even half open. i couldn't do it - i couldn't think about - i couldn't even discuss it. i got my coffee - went to my room, and said we would have to talk about it later. lucky for me she actually understood and allowed me to put all that off til today. insert sigh of relief - right here.
it also looks like we may make a family day of it too. i hope it;s a nice- calm one. my stress level is out the window lately !
so that next few hours went ok. folks kinda left me alone for the most part. i needed that.
the day escaped me. the fam kept trying to get me to eat -- i have pretty much zero appetite lately. i understand they worry - but i wish they wouldn't. then later- they began to harass -- literally harrass me about me smoking cigs and stopping smoking. there is never a good time for that. i have had several docs tell me -- you really need to quit smoking - but seriously 'now' isn't a good time for you -- your stress level is too high.
i try to explain that to them.. they call dr's retarded. and keep pressuring me. face it folks. i have tried to quit - many times- many ways -- even to the point of cracking up to an extreme extant on chantix. ever since then - i have an even more significant fear - of how far i am willing to go -- i have smoked longer than half my life. it is my only constant - my only - only.. that i can trust.
people just need to leave me alone about it. seriously.
i have a very large load on my back right now and i have for many months. years even. i don't only carry my own load- i carry their loads- i carry loads of many others whom i care about. i worry about and for folks that i don't even communicate with anymore -- but i still miss them, and have a hole in my heart for what we we lost. even now, a few down the road i don't know what happened in some of these situations.. i try my best to limit the importance of many of my own issues - and these issues that confuse me. i take blame where i know blame isn't on me. but i accept it as it were on me.
i hide my fear, and i hide what i feel as if it were shame - but it is merely pain. it only feels shameful, because it is so misunderstood, and not wanted to be listened to or heard - or left behind.
i am diagnosed as PTSD- SHUT IN. (housbound/ agoraphobic). bi-polar. major depressive. - and maaany more-that results with the pain issues.
that is all so hard to swallow, as a person. especially a person like me. . afraid of people - terrified of new people - new relationships. crowds. but i am willing. i just have a problem with letting go in the area of my mobility. a scooter? a walker/chair?, a knee scooter?, a wheel chair? worse of all- maybe - a chair lift in my home?
the pain and fear of it - stops me in my tracks. i wake up in pain - that would put folks on a trip to ER. me? too stubborn. i don't know - even all these years of feeling it daily -- it's just normal to me. and apparently my family too. i sleep too much.. i sleep too little..i don't eat for days,i eat too much- or not good stuff- i cry for the pain -- i cry for 'no reason at all'- normal, just go rest - it'll pass.
if it is or were one of them... i wouldn't ask if they wanted to go to the hospital.. i would take em or call an ambulance.
are they in denial? am i stubborn? am i in denial? do i just don't care? are my dr's retarded?
do ya wanna wanna know the next steps in my 'pain treatment?'
it's called 'spinal cord stimulation' - it is an internal electronic stimulator - placed inside your / my spine (wires) into your spine/ and a controller / battery thing - placed under the skin near my hip.
it sounds promising. also it sounds a bit unsettling- wires. electronic boxes in my body. ever think of a bath? WTF. the 'safety is a concern - as is the effectiveness - but i will try any damn thing at this point.
check out the video tho -- it really doesn't sound so bad --
http://youtu.be/zbPhbENLmDM
and i have made a consult appt at the dallas VA - to see if i can get in with the spine clinic there -- maybe to save some cash - i have benefits there for service connected disability. i will also be trying to get my pain meds prescribed from there -- they would be free of charge from va - due to the service connection. for several years i have been paying out of pocket for meds and my pain dr, along with all the shots and rhizotomy's and mri's and all that stuff. i just can't afford it anymore. so either i go cold cold turkey and call it all quits. or i give VA a try .
i cannot afford the pain doctor anymore. it may be the biggest mistake ever to lose my pain doctor-- the best and only that i have ever had -- i fought for several years to find a doc who would treat me like a human who was truly in pain, and not drug seeking. someoe who ran tests, found diagnoses, and has for years understood and tried to help me. i just can't pay out of pocket all these thousands of dollars anymore for temporary relief. and 40.00 a month just to be 'looked at' before a new rx .
so i hope to hell- that the VA will give me the same meds and quality of care -- or better. on my benefits - and not out of pocket. yeh - pray for that folks. cuz i really i need that outcome.
i swear we're gonna be facing bankruptcy with all the freakin med bills over these last few, and coming years without it. so not something i want to think about - but it has crossed my mind -- among so many other things.
with soulkid turning 18, not only ave we lost her med insurance - she has been dropped as a dependent from my disability money -- a large chunk that we have depended on for several years. as of April - things are gonna be much less
comfortable.. but we will survive. it's jsut that medical is the first, and unfortunately the very important peice of of ur budget.
then-- while i was researching this thing -- i came across something else that caught my interest. i haven't mentioned it to anyone else -- don't you feel special? it's made for 'med intolerant depression. ' y'all know i face many times in my life that i no matter what i do - what i try- nothing helps, and i just marinate in severe misery .. sometimes for months on end with no relief. i know a lot of you ave no idea why or what it means - or why I can't just move on. i hope you know that i have no control over this- o matter how hard i try. that would be due to my several mental, emotional, psyche issues.
many years ago i talked my shrinkin an attempt at shock therapy on me - because nothing was helping me at that time- i was in-patient psyce - for a weeks by that time- but .- she wasn't ready to take that step then. i don't know if she's ready now. i was , and have been on every single anti depressant- anti psychotic- every mood stabilizer/ which are normally anti seizure meds- - name it- i've been on it - and it eventually fails, and we start over. some of the side effects of these meds have been hell. or worse for me. some have been a God-send - until they contributed to admission, seizure - or worse.
so- recently- i found i found this - also an implant - but - it is in the brain. yup- scary- and something - that don't plan to discuss with the fam. unless or until it is approved. but it is shown to help med resistant depression. and even lower the need for medication - or at least the amount of - etc. i will discuss this at VA as well, when i go on 3-28.
the main prerequisite is that the patient must have failed only 2-4 medication failures -- i have failed them all. i would be an idiot to no not attempt this. it seems much less scary to me than shock therapy. and much more successful.
a week or two - just before i heard of this implant -- i was seriously considering long term in patient Psyche treatment --- 6-9 months of it. N O- i didn't talk to anyone about it. who the hell would i talk to about it? but i have an every year bout with terrible depression... some years are better than others - but many - like this one -- simply awful for me -- september - to currently. i know partly why that is - and part of it has been goin on annually for - close to 24 years. this year i i tried so hard to talk about how bad it was for me. i talked about 'triggers- as they happened- i did things i never tried before - to help myself - and be understood. but i won't go further than that. except to say - i shoulda kept my mouth shut.
but hey take a look at this -- again -- it just may be the miracle that i have been searching for-- for years.
http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/vagus-nerve-stimulation/MY00183
ok - ready for my newest sad? among the many. yesterday, i began thinking of my soul-retreat. the little motel in boles arkansas - or Y-city. i have been wanting to go out there for a while lately. even tho it isn't even close to a reality through all the soul fam happenings , up comings, and financial situation at the moment. not to mention me needing to be here for soulman post op- ext week. anyhow-- my heart is hurting right now for the reason, that my son Patrick -- 10-25-88 to 3-19-89 -- who is buried near my soul retreat obviously 3.19 is right around the corner-- and with so damn much on my mind - etc -- i just thought some time away - to my special place would be good for me. so last night i tried to call. i have Patrick there - and also jacob. it's been two years since i was out there last . and it ended with hurt feelings - i learned that - my stealth visits - should have - and would continue to stay stealth. because it was only MY soul that lived there. soulkid came that time for the first time - i believe she understood it - and she appreciated her first visit to her brothers cemetery . i do intend to take her back another time - but 'this' time - whenever i thought i could get there - would be just me .. again.
to my tearful sadness... almost to a point of grieving = even crying when i woke up- at about 3 am.. it's gone. just gone. it's a run down. not remodeled like i was told it would be the last time i was there. i reckon i should just pick my jaw off the ground and find out if i can get a hold of the folks who own it -- i can find no way to contact them -- but i will. maybe they will sell me one of the cabins by the creek? or a lot? to leave a camper on? or i should find a 'something ' for a place to go or stay - next time it's available for me to go. another soul-haven. it will never hold what that place holds for me.
i've been there with my fam before i lost my babies - i've been there with my soulfam - when soulkid was just six months oldi was there for patricks funeral - as was my moms side of the family = and my DAD - i feel like i lost a friend or family member -- i don't know what else to say about it.
except that my last memory of my last visit -- was not good. some was. but most - some folks found it entertaining to criticize the entire place. and that is so in the way right now of the so many good and beautiful memories i have of that place.
'she saw it this way-
.
i will forever see it this way -
i guess one persons 'trash bag ' is another mans treasure'. fo- shizzle. i feel like my house burned down. no other way to describe it.
as for me - ? second day in a row , that i'm wide awake at this time. if not earlier. fun fun fun. sleep is my new hate.
(almost done - it's now 7:59 - i reckon most of you are up now, geesh i'm slow)
well, non-sleep i should i say. sure there's a couple reasons why i can't sleep. but either way - it sucks. and it's hard to get back on track. reason one - was the girls birthday. her big 18! after the food and festivities , at home, we we went to the movies to see 'the Lorax'. her boy friend came along, and she - we- had a god time. after that we went down to a place in the mall so she could say hi to her best friend - since 7-th 0r 8th grade, just to say hello-. (at her job) -minutes before we get over there - soulkis, 'tells' us - that the two of them will be going to 'denton' after her friend gets off work.
ummm.. hello? you just decided to spring this on us that your goin 30 minutes in each direction out the sticks in texas - after midnight - for three or four hours -- you two girls - alone? and you expect no reaction from us? hmmm. obviously turning 18 means more to you than us. we were not happy. we were in fact a little a trapped in a way. her car is broken down -- since a couple months. the jeep hasn't been safe to dive - or passed inspection/registration.. since we've bought it. what other choice does she have but to drive one of ours? mainly mine. but how are we sposed to pull the you don't have a car - card on her- when it isn't her fault that the car hasn't been fixed? i have tried everything i knew how - to get it fixed. to no avail. i can't fix cars by myself anymore . i used to be good at it. just turned into somethin my mind and and body doesn't allow me to do anymore. i've offered up the credit card ! against everything i believe in these days -- hubby just couldn't get it together. not enough to get it done. we did get a tow-truck out here week or so ago to get it towed and fixed- the tow guy got it started - so hubby knew for sure he'd get it runnin with spark plugs and wires -- did it happen? ha ! in our world? hell no. so - in the passed months - my lil car with 6000 miles has now racked up to 10000 miles + stains. ' can't have nuthin! i am highly upset - but it is safer for her than dad's truck.
so anyhow -- after some discussion with soulman - and his unnecessary roughness - Friday night we let the go - no good reason not to. but not without suffering major sleep deprivation . i didn't take any sleep meds that night - it wasn't that bad for me -- without meds - i could stay up for for days. hubby took his toll tho. it was rough - we're old.
anyhow - yesterday even with a day between - was rough having gone with sleep -- i was up til at least 6 am. i remember recording charlie brown around 5 am. and still up watching the news at 6 ish. no tellin when i actually fell asleep - i think maybe 7 ish, then up around noon. can we say soul- bah-itch.? all day yesterday - not to mention an emotional mess.
i strolled out of my room - at noon, after 3. maybe 4 hours of sleep- not uninterrupted i might add. in search of coffee -- coffee, pain meds, and a quick hello to the fam, and soulkid 2 who had spent the night. --that was all i wanted out of my early day life. all i wanted - then a silent retreat alone in my room for for a while. just to collect my thoughts, and get myself together.
BUT what was i greeted with very first thing, instead? soulkid wanted me to take her to the mall. before my eyes were even half open. i couldn't do it - i couldn't think about - i couldn't even discuss it. i got my coffee - went to my room, and said we would have to talk about it later. lucky for me she actually understood and allowed me to put all that off til today. insert sigh of relief - right here.
it also looks like we may make a family day of it too. i hope it;s a nice- calm one. my stress level is out the window lately !
so that next few hours went ok. folks kinda left me alone for the most part. i needed that.
the day escaped me. the fam kept trying to get me to eat -- i have pretty much zero appetite lately. i understand they worry - but i wish they wouldn't. then later- they began to harass -- literally harrass me about me smoking cigs and stopping smoking. there is never a good time for that. i have had several docs tell me -- you really need to quit smoking - but seriously 'now' isn't a good time for you -- your stress level is too high.
i try to explain that to them.. they call dr's retarded. and keep pressuring me. face it folks. i have tried to quit - many times- many ways -- even to the point of cracking up to an extreme extant on chantix. ever since then - i have an even more significant fear - of how far i am willing to go -- i have smoked longer than half my life. it is my only constant - my only - only.. that i can trust.
people just need to leave me alone about it. seriously.
i have a very large load on my back right now and i have for many months. years even. i don't only carry my own load- i carry their loads- i carry loads of many others whom i care about. i worry about and for folks that i don't even communicate with anymore -- but i still miss them, and have a hole in my heart for what we we lost. even now, a few down the road i don't know what happened in some of these situations.. i try my best to limit the importance of many of my own issues - and these issues that confuse me. i take blame where i know blame isn't on me. but i accept it as it were on me.
i hide my fear, and i hide what i feel as if it were shame - but it is merely pain. it only feels shameful, because it is so misunderstood, and not wanted to be listened to or heard - or left behind.
i am diagnosed as PTSD- SHUT IN. (housbound/ agoraphobic). bi-polar. major depressive. - and maaany more-that results with the pain issues.
that is all so hard to swallow, as a person. especially a person like me. . afraid of people - terrified of new people - new relationships. crowds. but i am willing. i just have a problem with letting go in the area of my mobility. a scooter? a walker/chair?, a knee scooter?, a wheel chair? worse of all- maybe - a chair lift in my home?
the pain and fear of it - stops me in my tracks. i wake up in pain - that would put folks on a trip to ER. me? too stubborn. i don't know - even all these years of feeling it daily -- it's just normal to me. and apparently my family too. i sleep too much.. i sleep too little..i don't eat for days,i eat too much- or not good stuff- i cry for the pain -- i cry for 'no reason at all'- normal, just go rest - it'll pass.
if it is or were one of them... i wouldn't ask if they wanted to go to the hospital.. i would take em or call an ambulance.
are they in denial? am i stubborn? am i in denial? do i just don't care? are my dr's retarded?
do ya wanna wanna know the next steps in my 'pain treatment?'
it's called 'spinal cord stimulation' - it is an internal electronic stimulator - placed inside your / my spine (wires) into your spine/ and a controller / battery thing - placed under the skin near my hip.
it sounds promising. also it sounds a bit unsettling- wires. electronic boxes in my body. ever think of a bath? WTF. the 'safety is a concern - as is the effectiveness - but i will try any damn thing at this point.
check out the video tho -- it really doesn't sound so bad --
http://youtu.be/zbPhbENLmDM
and i have made a consult appt at the dallas VA - to see if i can get in with the spine clinic there -- maybe to save some cash - i have benefits there for service connected disability. i will also be trying to get my pain meds prescribed from there -- they would be free of charge from va - due to the service connection. for several years i have been paying out of pocket for meds and my pain dr, along with all the shots and rhizotomy's and mri's and all that stuff. i just can't afford it anymore. so either i go cold cold turkey and call it all quits. or i give VA a try .
i cannot afford the pain doctor anymore. it may be the biggest mistake ever to lose my pain doctor-- the best and only that i have ever had -- i fought for several years to find a doc who would treat me like a human who was truly in pain, and not drug seeking. someoe who ran tests, found diagnoses, and has for years understood and tried to help me. i just can't pay out of pocket all these thousands of dollars anymore for temporary relief. and 40.00 a month just to be 'looked at' before a new rx .
so i hope to hell- that the VA will give me the same meds and quality of care -- or better. on my benefits - and not out of pocket. yeh - pray for that folks. cuz i really i need that outcome.
i swear we're gonna be facing bankruptcy with all the freakin med bills over these last few, and coming years without it. so not something i want to think about - but it has crossed my mind -- among so many other things.
with soulkid turning 18, not only ave we lost her med insurance - she has been dropped as a dependent from my disability money -- a large chunk that we have depended on for several years. as of April - things are gonna be much less
comfortable.. but we will survive. it's jsut that medical is the first, and unfortunately the very important peice of of ur budget.
then-- while i was researching this thing -- i came across something else that caught my interest. i haven't mentioned it to anyone else -- don't you feel special? it's made for 'med intolerant depression. ' y'all know i face many times in my life that i no matter what i do - what i try- nothing helps, and i just marinate in severe misery .. sometimes for months on end with no relief. i know a lot of you ave no idea why or what it means - or why I can't just move on. i hope you know that i have no control over this- o matter how hard i try. that would be due to my several mental, emotional, psyche issues.
many years ago i talked my shrinkin an attempt at shock therapy on me - because nothing was helping me at that time- i was in-patient psyce - for a weeks by that time- but .- she wasn't ready to take that step then. i don't know if she's ready now. i was , and have been on every single anti depressant- anti psychotic- every mood stabilizer/ which are normally anti seizure meds- - name it- i've been on it - and it eventually fails, and we start over. some of the side effects of these meds have been hell. or worse for me. some have been a God-send - until they contributed to admission, seizure - or worse.
so- recently- i found i found this - also an implant - but - it is in the brain. yup- scary- and something - that don't plan to discuss with the fam. unless or until it is approved. but it is shown to help med resistant depression. and even lower the need for medication - or at least the amount of - etc. i will discuss this at VA as well, when i go on 3-28.
the main prerequisite is that the patient must have failed only 2-4 medication failures -- i have failed them all. i would be an idiot to no not attempt this. it seems much less scary to me than shock therapy. and much more successful.
a week or two - just before i heard of this implant -- i was seriously considering long term in patient Psyche treatment --- 6-9 months of it. N O- i didn't talk to anyone about it. who the hell would i talk to about it? but i have an every year bout with terrible depression... some years are better than others - but many - like this one -- simply awful for me -- september - to currently. i know partly why that is - and part of it has been goin on annually for - close to 24 years. this year i i tried so hard to talk about how bad it was for me. i talked about 'triggers- as they happened- i did things i never tried before - to help myself - and be understood. but i won't go further than that. except to say - i shoulda kept my mouth shut.
but hey take a look at this -- again -- it just may be the miracle that i have been searching for-- for years.
http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/vagus-nerve-stimulation/MY00183
ok - ready for my newest sad? among the many. yesterday, i began thinking of my soul-retreat. the little motel in boles arkansas - or Y-city. i have been wanting to go out there for a while lately. even tho it isn't even close to a reality through all the soul fam happenings , up comings, and financial situation at the moment. not to mention me needing to be here for soulman post op- ext week. anyhow-- my heart is hurting right now for the reason, that my son Patrick -- 10-25-88 to 3-19-89 -- who is buried near my soul retreat obviously 3.19 is right around the corner-- and with so damn much on my mind - etc -- i just thought some time away - to my special place would be good for me. so last night i tried to call. i have Patrick there - and also jacob. it's been two years since i was out there last . and it ended with hurt feelings - i learned that - my stealth visits - should have - and would continue to stay stealth. because it was only MY soul that lived there. soulkid came that time for the first time - i believe she understood it - and she appreciated her first visit to her brothers cemetery . i do intend to take her back another time - but 'this' time - whenever i thought i could get there - would be just me .. again.
to my tearful sadness... almost to a point of grieving = even crying when i woke up- at about 3 am.. it's gone. just gone. it's a run down. not remodeled like i was told it would be the last time i was there. i reckon i should just pick my jaw off the ground and find out if i can get a hold of the folks who own it -- i can find no way to contact them -- but i will. maybe they will sell me one of the cabins by the creek? or a lot? to leave a camper on? or i should find a 'something ' for a place to go or stay - next time it's available for me to go. another soul-haven. it will never hold what that place holds for me.
i've been there with my fam before i lost my babies - i've been there with my soulfam - when soulkid was just six months oldi was there for patricks funeral - as was my moms side of the family = and my DAD - i feel like i lost a friend or family member -- i don't know what else to say about it.
except that my last memory of my last visit -- was not good. some was. but most - some folks found it entertaining to criticize the entire place. and that is so in the way right now of the so many good and beautiful memories i have of that place.
'she saw it this way-
.
i will forever see it this way -
i guess one persons 'trash bag ' is another mans treasure'. fo- shizzle. i feel like my house burned down. no other way to describe it.
Saturday, March 10, 2012
i shouldn't post right now -
but i will anyhow. for two reasons. 1 = cuz i said i would on face book. and the response was that y'all want me to. and 2 = i usually do what y'all want me to. :)) nah - well, i do write when ya want me to, to check in, or whatever. this time, i am gonna write , cuz i need to, cuz ya want me too and cuz it's just time . i don't want my blog to go stale - again. the thing is -- about writing now - at this moment - or even - this period of time.. is i am still a 'soul-mess'. i can't keep up with things going on around - or to me. i know all the quotes, and affirmations. i do. i attempt to use them, and i end up abusing them. i feel weak at times feeling that i don't know how to apply them in my life anymore.
this is becoming to bore me to death ! WTH am i even saying?
this is THE worst part of this blog anymore. i thought it was me - well, it is me, obviously. over whatever period of time, i have begun to not let myself be the me y'all used to know. the spit it all out here and y'all decide how you would deal with it. now - i hold too much back. i try to too much to myself, yet still try to have you understand things. i know that will never work. i reckon that's why i don't write as often as i did before. cuz if i don't share honestly here - it only leaves bullshit on these pages i guess.
i can't do that anymore. i have thought of not blogging- decided i didn't want to stop. so i pop in now and again - with hopefully just the good parts. i hope it's working out for y'all. but it isn't doin me any good.
i still have a pretty much non existent world, inside four walls. my main focus remains on the soulman and the soulkid. both of whom have big things happenin in their worlds.
soulkid - for instance - the big plan around here for some time was to get her to Austin later this month to audition for X-Factor.
we decided that i would take her down there since soulman was facing foot surgery again - and didn't want to use any vacation time if he didn't need to. my fear (s)? pain. embarrassing her. 101 real or imagined emotional, mental, and physical, fears, and stressors. but mainly real. any several arguments and hurtful comments arose from the thing. before it even came to pass. first, we decided we would all 3 go - but-finally it came to a family consensus, that her dad would take her with only him. it would be less stressful for everyone. but mainly soulkid and of course she was the most important in this whole matter.
in the meantime -- there is also talk of
summer vaction - cha-ching! (July -orlando and jacksonville )
and -
soulkids prom/prom-dress- chac-hing! - ( april sumthin)
soulkids 4 wisdom teeth comin out - cha cha ching! 2/27
THEN --- two or three days ago soulkid says --- "i don't want to audition for X-FACTOR !!! WHAT?!
nope, i want an upright bass instead, with that money. ok fine. been there - done that - it's all about TV. i don't need to do it again."
which -- to be honest, i think is a better idea, in the long run... but could i have lived a much more solace many weeks without all the negativity that came along with planning, rescheduling, and feeling like the the most useless mom in the world? uhhh that would be a hell yah.
soulkids 18th birthday - cha- ching ! 3/9 - we won't go there - but it's a healthy chunk with a bass
so -- let's go on to the soulman and his foot surgery. want a sample? as if the first time wasn't bad enough. it was torture for him. i'm a good nurse. i think i am a real good mind reading nurse.
except for the night two days after his surgery when he was supposed to be NO weight baring - and got up to declare war on the dishwasher- and in the long run - caused his foot more problems than good.
i would have been more than willing to get him a glass of water that night - instead - between sushi and the dishwasher -- the pin in his toe - was bent way deep in his foot - when he bumped it on the dishwasher -- all the guy wanted was a drink of water.
his new surgery is scheduled WEDNESDAY 3-14 ! scary as hell. and not just a couple weeks of no weight baring -- guess how many? as many as EIGHT WEEKS ! yeh that's worst case scenrio... but he's a big guy - if it's gonna heal right this time - he better follow dr's orders this time. if she says OFF your feet- he better stay the hell of that foot ! oh ? best case? maybe 4 weeks off his foot - more like 6.. worst could be 8 weeks.. on crutches!
we have seen this comin for a few months - but it just got kinda in your face scheduled on i think wednesday? just a few days ago. not only did he have probs with his foot last time -- he was terribly ill for 3-4 days from the anesthesia alone. he was puking and couldn't breathe - it was scary. and it was very bad for him.. for weeks. he had so many problems with pain and swelling. i felt horrible for him. and there wasn't really anything I could do.
paying off my january back surgery - cha-ching 3/6
fixing soulkids car - cha ching!
fixing 'the jeep ' cha ching
smog testing/registering both of those ugh
selling one of them kill me
--- but no vehicle can be fixed, or dealt with --- until soulman has recovered from his foot surgery --- so all the vehicle crap is stalled for - forever. i took them off the insurance yesterday.
and ya know what? i don't even wanna add my cry babiness anymore -- i'll save that part for tomorrow- if ya want - but it made me cry. seems that i cry more than i care to admit lately... but - less than i was for a while.
this is becoming to bore me to death ! WTH am i even saying?
this is THE worst part of this blog anymore. i thought it was me - well, it is me, obviously. over whatever period of time, i have begun to not let myself be the me y'all used to know. the spit it all out here and y'all decide how you would deal with it. now - i hold too much back. i try to too much to myself, yet still try to have you understand things. i know that will never work. i reckon that's why i don't write as often as i did before. cuz if i don't share honestly here - it only leaves bullshit on these pages i guess.
-- THE VIDEO AT THE BOTTOM WAS SUPPOSED TO BE HERE )
:((
i can't do that anymore. i have thought of not blogging- decided i didn't want to stop. so i pop in now and again - with hopefully just the good parts. i hope it's working out for y'all. but it isn't doin me any good.
i still have a pretty much non existent world, inside four walls. my main focus remains on the soulman and the soulkid. both of whom have big things happenin in their worlds.
soulkid - for instance - the big plan around here for some time was to get her to Austin later this month to audition for X-Factor.
soulkid and soulman 2011 X-FACTOR
we decided that i would take her down there since soulman was facing foot surgery again - and didn't want to use any vacation time if he didn't need to. my fear (s)? pain. embarrassing her. 101 real or imagined emotional, mental, and physical, fears, and stressors. but mainly real. any several arguments and hurtful comments arose from the thing. before it even came to pass. first, we decided we would all 3 go - but-finally it came to a family consensus, that her dad would take her with only him. it would be less stressful for everyone. but mainly soulkid and of course she was the most important in this whole matter.
in the meantime -- there is also talk of
summer vaction - cha-ching! (July -orlando and jacksonville )
and -
soulkids prom/prom-dress- chac-hing! - ( april sumthin)
THIS ONE? WHO KNOWS?
she can hate me - that pic cost 800.00 :))
nope, i want an upright bass instead, with that money. ok fine. been there - done that - it's all about TV. i don't need to do it again."
which -- to be honest, i think is a better idea, in the long run... but could i have lived a much more solace many weeks without all the negativity that came along with planning, rescheduling, and feeling like the the most useless mom in the world? uhhh that would be a hell yah.
soulkids 18th birthday - cha- ching ! 3/9 - we won't go there - but it's a healthy chunk with a bass
can y'all believe it? she's 18 !
and it was a really good day for all - especially her - and that's what matters most !
soulmans foot surgery - cha-ching! 3/14
can we say MF'N OWIEEEE
this one round one - 11-2011
this one round one - 11-2011
who cares the cost- just fix it ! right?
except for the night two days after his surgery when he was supposed to be NO weight baring - and got up to declare war on the dishwasher- and in the long run - caused his foot more problems than good.
i would have been more than willing to get him a glass of water that night - instead - between sushi and the dishwasher -- the pin in his toe - was bent way deep in his foot - when he bumped it on the dishwasher -- all the guy wanted was a drink of water.
his new surgery is scheduled WEDNESDAY 3-14 ! scary as hell. and not just a couple weeks of no weight baring -- guess how many? as many as EIGHT WEEKS ! yeh that's worst case scenrio... but he's a big guy - if it's gonna heal right this time - he better follow dr's orders this time. if she says OFF your feet- he better stay the hell of that foot ! oh ? best case? maybe 4 weeks off his foot - more like 6.. worst could be 8 weeks.. on crutches!
we have seen this comin for a few months - but it just got kinda in your face scheduled on i think wednesday? just a few days ago. not only did he have probs with his foot last time -- he was terribly ill for 3-4 days from the anesthesia alone. he was puking and couldn't breathe - it was scary. and it was very bad for him.. for weeks. he had so many problems with pain and swelling. i felt horrible for him. and there wasn't really anything I could do.
more cha - chinging?
fixing soulkids car - cha ching!
fixing 'the jeep ' cha ching
smog testing/registering both of those ugh
selling one of them kill me
--- but no vehicle can be fixed, or dealt with --- until soulman has recovered from his foot surgery --- so all the vehicle crap is stalled for - forever. i took them off the insurance yesterday.
and ya know what? i don't even wanna add my cry babiness anymore -- i'll save that part for tomorrow- if ya want - but it made me cry. seems that i cry more than i care to admit lately... but - less than i was for a while.
Sunday, March 4, 2012
i get knocked down-but i get up again ---
whaaaaa-
i so love Lucy! i think i just realized that's where i got my "whaaaa" from. is her tv show. she was always screwin something up, and whining for bein misunderstood. poor Lucy. she was always hysterically funny though. she reminds me to try to find humor in all of my misery. i try. things have tough for me around here for a while. i won't drag y'all through the details -- you all know how drawn out i can get at times - and really not get to the point. i don't want to do that again. or at least not right now. but i will say this much -- it hasn't been easy for me these passed many months to keep 'things' in check. but i have managed, and i do believe that that i have one more hurdle to overcome - and i should be 'ok' for a long while again. even better - is my guess.
we've had warmer than normal winter months here in texas and it has been a blessing for my cold intolerant self. it has surely helped a lot in not letting me go off the edge. that and whatever else is goin in my favor.
i know y'all have helped me a ton -- a ton or two, i should say. just knowing y'all are out there - and can reach out to you when i need to . that and finding a hello here from ya just at the right time -- life saving. i even am seeing new faces here and there, and that makes me smile. you all do. :))
guess i just wanted to say that --
well that - and to let ya know that soulkid is recovering fine from her teeth pulling ordeal. she had a real tough time though. the bottom ones were badly impacted, and they had to cut through a lot of bone to get em out. she got real sick for the second day - i had to take her back to be checked out, and get some fenergan, and pain meds. tonight was her first time to eat real solid food. she was pretty happy to have something other than soup or ice cream to eat! she had cheese pizza !
soulman was out of town for the first four days of her surgery and post op. it was hard for her to not have her daddy - also for me to not have any help with her. she's a tough patient when she's bed-ridden. but we managed. she even went on a job interview this afternoon! she was hired -- but guess what? she turned the job down, because they wanted her to start on her birthday ! bah !
anyhow -- that's about the rundown from here for now. things re lookin up. things are gettin done. i'm workin on myself, and my house. and tryin to get and keep in touch with y'all.
oh guess what = i went fishin today :)) it's a start
g'nite folks
i so love Lucy! i think i just realized that's where i got my "whaaaa" from. is her tv show. she was always screwin something up, and whining for bein misunderstood. poor Lucy. she was always hysterically funny though. she reminds me to try to find humor in all of my misery. i try. things have tough for me around here for a while. i won't drag y'all through the details -- you all know how drawn out i can get at times - and really not get to the point. i don't want to do that again. or at least not right now. but i will say this much -- it hasn't been easy for me these passed many months to keep 'things' in check. but i have managed, and i do believe that that i have one more hurdle to overcome - and i should be 'ok' for a long while again. even better - is my guess.
we've had warmer than normal winter months here in texas and it has been a blessing for my cold intolerant self. it has surely helped a lot in not letting me go off the edge. that and whatever else is goin in my favor.
i know y'all have helped me a ton -- a ton or two, i should say. just knowing y'all are out there - and can reach out to you when i need to . that and finding a hello here from ya just at the right time -- life saving. i even am seeing new faces here and there, and that makes me smile. you all do. :))
guess i just wanted to say that --
well that - and to let ya know that soulkid is recovering fine from her teeth pulling ordeal. she had a real tough time though. the bottom ones were badly impacted, and they had to cut through a lot of bone to get em out. she got real sick for the second day - i had to take her back to be checked out, and get some fenergan, and pain meds. tonight was her first time to eat real solid food. she was pretty happy to have something other than soup or ice cream to eat! she had cheese pizza !
soulman was out of town for the first four days of her surgery and post op. it was hard for her to not have her daddy - also for me to not have any help with her. she's a tough patient when she's bed-ridden. but we managed. she even went on a job interview this afternoon! she was hired -- but guess what? she turned the job down, because they wanted her to start on her birthday ! bah !
anyhow -- that's about the rundown from here for now. things re lookin up. things are gettin done. i'm workin on myself, and my house. and tryin to get and keep in touch with y'all.
oh guess what = i went fishin today :)) it's a start
g'nite folks
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