i saw the witch doctah the witch doctah said

"you should stick to fishin, dumbass"

ok, so he didn't use those exact words. but i do ok at mind reading -- occasionally.

i have thus far been scolded by my spouse, my child, my sister, and the dr. not to mention myself. i knew better. i simply wanted the dresser down here because i was trying to get my office back in order. it was a literal hell pit. boxes of books, photos, pic frames, a box of tax crap that still awaits my attention-- that i lack-- as well as motivation. my office had become a catch- all. it had gotten to the point that over a month has passed that i don't even sit in here anymore -- this morning is the first time i've been in here since , possibly christmas. i don't know what happened. i had plans -- they just didn't seem to be working out. some things trickled out-- while others poured in. and i couldn't stand to look at it-- much less sit in the midst of it. ya know?

so-- the computer cam the other day -- my perfect motivation to get the office back in order-- get the mini tv out and a bigger one back in here, i love my couch i got in here -- it is much easier to maneuver than the one in the living room.. this one has reclining handles-- the living room ya have to use your legs and lemmee tell ya somedays-- that is a problem. i get stuck in there. for real.

so. yesterday -- i was motivated to just get the shit done. i felt strong. i felt motivated. the kitchen was no longer holding me back, cuz that was done and outta the way. soulman and soulkid were gone-- she had a driving class scheduled and he had stuff to do-- so that left me time alone to get down and dirty with no distractions to do my work. i get a lot more done alone that with people hangin around.

so i got the office to a point that it was time to get the dresser down here. i figured if i put it on it's top- it wouldn't be too heavy and i would have more control of it.
HA! boy was i wrong. the damn thing must weigh more than half of me -- and as soon as i got it on the stairs ? it was like a runaway train --- and i was holdin for dear life !!!
i don't know if that was good or bad... but it sure didn't feel good.



all this happened around 1030-1045 . my body was between the banister and the chest. well -- when i started? i was behind it. when it got away from me - i ended up between it, and the wall. and by the time it crashed into the wall, and stopped? i was on my ass, and more in front of it. it all happened really fast actually. so i can only imagine what it all must have 'looked like'.

i had several words and phrases go thru my mind rather quickly before i rose to my feet. as you can well imagine. such as.
'you dumbass, you knew better'
'you shoulda waited for soulman'
shit! what if you broke a rib!'
go sit down and chill a while-- and don't smoke!'

so-- yeh, i did, i went and sat down on the couch, drank a little water, my hands were shaking-- it was scary yall, i never fell like that-- downstairs with a dresser dragging me , before. alone. in my physical condition. and i really couldn't hardly breathe. that was the worst part. the not bein able to breath. that scared me. i wondered if punctured a lung. and with my passe lung deal? and knowing i have an injury (an infarct/scar - on one -- that would not be good)

so-- i just took a couple pain pills, sat for a while til i could breathe, and chilled, til my hands stopped shaking. then i called soulman. just to let him know what happened. i didn't want him to stop what he was doin or anything. i felt by then that i would be alright, i didn't really think anything was broken... or if it was, i didn't think it was like a punctured lung like i did before. the meds were beginning to help. and i was even about to get back to work. i just wanted him to know-- well, in case he came home and i was in worse case than i thought i might be in.

well... the meds kicked in and did fine-- not without residual pain, and shortness of bresth, but i was able to get the office finished , and ready for computer hookup, and tv hook-up. neither of which are finished -- cuz i did end up goin to one of those 'care-now' places for an ex-ray. cuz once the meds totally wore off-- it became unbearable. so me- never having broken a rib-- i thought i should get it checked out. if i didn't have the shortness of breath and lung pain-- i may have rode it out-- cuz i'm only allowed to get pain meds from my pain doc -- i didn't think they really did anything else if it woulda been broke-- so i was mainly concerned about any lung damage. so i had hubby take me down the road-- maybe about 5 pm.

results? no break. contusions. take pain meds- and ice it.

ice it? my ass i will. ice on me makes me cry.
i did use my heating pad-- and that seemed to help a bit. i also was forced to bed early-- sitting up hurts, laying down is better-- but after a while even that gets painful. which brings me to the fact of waking up like three times in the night to take a pill--- the fourth time at like 2:45-- i just stayed up-- the pain was really bad -- and i knew i just needed to get UP at that point. so i did. and here i am.

leave it to me, right?

and smocha--- you are exactly right-- that's what the doc said-- big breaths-- cuz little breaths -- can cause pneumonia. yippee--- big breaths are painful. but pneumonia is even more painful.

so. as for any fishin in the near future? that won't be happening. and neither will anything else that requires movement or breathing.

yay me---

but hey-- it really could have been worse.
one of these days- i will realize -- ok, accept, the fact that i have shriveled up to a no- muscle tone ole lady.

good meds make me not as strong as i think sometimes.
dammit.

but hey-- on the bright side? i got the job done--- right?

happy sunday -- hope the sun is shinin--
i missed a wonderful sunny day yesterday---
if today is like yesterday--- i must find a way to at least get out somehow - for some reason.

i refuse to lay in bed all day-- altho that is the most comfy position at this time-- snow is in the near forecast-- and i don't want to miss another sunny day.

hopefully y'all are safe and happy today-
don't do anything stupid :))

laterz

crap ! i almost forgot !! -- HEY come back i have a couple more :))

mornin peoples -- i'm sorry these are late gettin up here. actually, by now you've prolly noticed it's become a habit -- but, gimme a chance -- i'll get better -- for now though, i still try. i just have a memory issue, but it comes to me :))

anyhow, these are not what i had planned on taking for the 'wood' challenge, but it was the best i could do, runnin around the house in five minutes. :((

soulman had a creative idea -- but if i woulda taken the shot he chose? chances are i would be arrested. :)) but he gets an A for effort .

oh folks - here ya go -- my three for the photo challenge :

(stuff around my house -)

WOOD

(an antique wooden insulator)

(the bottom of the next photo-
an american indian handcarved wooden bowl


is that cool or what?
i have no clue of it's value - but it is authentic

a wooden lighthouse - birdhouse
it will be hanging outside when it gets warmer :))

welp sorry they're late folks - but as they say -- better late than never. right? and my apologies for the back-drop. i really had no other choice under the circumstances.
i'll do better next time. :))

happy days peoples-
hoping the sun shines on you in your worlds !

* UPDATE *

hi again -- to some of you
and a cheerio to the the rest of ya -

so. anyhow. are ya wonderin why i felt the need to pop in here in the middle of the day after already posting my photos? well, i'll tell ya why.
a funny thing happened on the way down the stairs this morning, and well , it just happened to involve a large and quite heavy wooden object.
the worst part? it also happened to involve me. well, i should say me, as in my body.
you see, i'm really not the most graceful person to walk the earth. in fact, i am quite klumsy. there's a family phrase actually -- with my name being brenda -- and a rarely used nickname being 'Brezz" -- when anyone in the family bumps into a wall, or something of that sort -- someone - a witness to that , will pipe up and say
' you - or (insert name) brezz'd the wall'
so yeh, i am 'that' bad.
so without further ado --
here's the evidence of my klutzy-ness
oh - and did i mention, i think i have a broken rib?
well, it is a possibility - but one i am hoping against.
i wrapped myself up with ace bandages, and took pain meds --
so far it's tolerable -- but i don't know if i'll make it through the night without seein a dr. i don't need meds - obviously.. but an x-ray may be in order. :((
go soul !

them's the breaks i reckon
haha skuze the pun

happy weekend folks!

dan seals did a song a long time ago - called 'wood'. i thought it would be appropriate to put the video here-- but i can't find one. bummer. it was a good song.

laterz y'all.

fried-day tid bits

howdy folks-- hope y'all are havin a fine fine friday -

mine's not really anything to complain about - so far. i'm sure i could change that at any time -- i'm good at that ya know. but i don't wanna go there. not today. i'm actually doin pretty good lately. as far as I go, that is. the meds seem to be workin fairly well. no , i take that back. let's say-- they're workin. and God knows - that is most definitely a good thing.

i am still having a mean motivational problem though. if i knew how to get a hold of some speed -- i am afraid i would have to be forced to look into that option, at this point. i cannot seem to DO anything. i am lucky i manage the minimum required of me. and for those who know me? the minimum is not enough, and that alone depresses me. but-- even so-- my family is backing me up, knows i'm struggling with the med change -- and like me, awaits the shit to just settle and adjust with my system. we are all just happy that i am not a basket case like i was just a short time ago. so-- other than that? i doubled the dose of the devil - i mean med last night-- and so far today, i don't feel any different than i did with the other dose -- so for that -- i am happy. i expected to be a zombie. well, more of the zombie than i already am.
but i am alright. and really hoping to accomplish more on my list than i have as of late.

so. now that i'm done 'soul-bashing. '

do y'all remember 'this' song? it's :

"Silent Lucidity by Queensryche :"

Queensryche Silent Lucidity @ Yahoo! Video

(embedding isn't allowed on u-tube, but the original video is there - and oh so much better. if you go there -- well here : http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-H0u7f2UK_4 it is most awesome - and you will see the band --- *note the guitarist :)) -- who is also the songwriter of this particular song.)

anyhow-- are you wondering why i even care about any of this??? or better yet, why i think y'all should care? well, i will tell you. or perhaps -- maybe i will show you first -- then i will tell you. how's that sound?
ok--- first,

display number 1 --


and now-- display #2




so. yeh . i thought that was pretty cool.

and no. i'm not much of an autograph collector, per say -
but if and when the opportunity presents itself, i'll take one. and soulkid has always kinda liked to get an autograph here and there. she has many different people.
especially pro-fisherman/fisherwomen, from back in the day when i fished tournaments. i did that for a couple of years, and she was able to meet many of them on the circuit. and get photos with them and autographs etc. she enjoyed all of that-- of course she would never admit it now. :))

so. how did we come to get these particular signed photos ? is that what you're askin yourselves? well, i can tell ya -- but i might have ta kill ya. oh shaddup. i know it's the oldest and worst line in the world-- i just couldn't resist.

anyhow-- the only way i can tell ya is to not mention my hubbys place of employment. which i know doesn't help a whole lot- cuz i know several of you already know it. so. on that note-- for those who do know -- let's keep that on the DL - k?
aiiighty then .

soulman just so happens to work at a place that 'celebrities' are not uncommon to him. sometimes on a daily, maybe monthly basis. so in his line of work this passed week, it just so happens that he is in contact with the 'guitarist/songwriter' of the band queensryche this week.

(insert teen screeching here :))

i know guys, yes it has been twenty years since this particular song was in the top ten. and yes, i also know that it was the hair band age, and cry in your beer days. ok , cry in MY beer days. but this song was one of those songs that just means a lot to me, and prolly always will. it has always found it's way onto my -- well, back then it was a 'mixed tape' now i spose it's a 'play list'... but yeh, believe it or not-- it is there, even to this day.

some of you may know -- or by now be able to figure out why it means what it does to me. but hey... i really was like a teenage girl when soulman came home the other day and told me who was in his class.

i didn't think about asking for the pic to be signed 'to SOUL" until it was too late. that woulda made it twice as cool. to me anyhow.
but i still think it's pretty cool.

and did you notice what soulkids says?
"you have the coolest dad in the world--except for maybe stella mcartney"

hahahah--- he may be old -- but he still rocks!

go check out the song --- it really is a good one.

and on that happy note i shall go-- and try my best to be productive today-

have happy days in your worlds--
i shall try

it's a NOsun day in tejas -- but it's pushin about 50 degrees - so that's tolerable. perhaps even fishable, IF i manage to clean the kitchen!! bleh save meeee

well, who knew my blog would turn into a dog mission?

not me. but i bet y'all like it better than my usual whine festivals?
that's not for me to say. i don't know what y'all like to hear from me. sometimes i wish i did know. that's why some days i just don't write anything. i simply don't know what to say. if anything.

but this skeletor thing. (the dog that showed up at my nephews' house) it amazes me. not only the dog, and his surviving under only God knows what circumstances. but now, the recent out-pour of love, hope, and of course donations, towards 'skeletor' and of course the 'kids' who took him in. i have no doubts that sooner or later skeletor will find a good home.

unfortunately-- the latest news on poor skeletor that i read this morning? he did have his vet-check. go wes!!! but-- yeh, not such good news from the doggie doc.


and really no real update yet on how--- or if it is treatable. but skeletor was heart worm positive. it's a very bad diagnosis to hear from a vet --- for any animal. even if he's only new in your life. if you have been following the story on this animal-- you know he is loved world-wide. no kidding. he is the talk of the town. blogs, face-book, your town, my town, people we don't know town. check out his blog-- read his face-book , friend him on face-book --- the DOG has more friends than i do on there... i looked this morning--- skeletor - a dog, had 105 friends at last check. it's crazy. he's a STAR!

donations are coming in slowly, but surely for his cause-- and his care.
when and if he does find a home-- any proceeds --- will be donated to the pit bull rescue in southern florida. (wes lives in north florida- jacksonville) the dog is in no condition to travel at this point. but the kids are taking great care of him -- they even make sure he gets lots of love, and play, and fooood, and shelter. they are falling in love with him-- like many who are following his story. i hope this ends on a good note. with skeletor finding a happy loving home. he's a happy loving dog -- that's one thing we all know -





so please, don't worry about thinking wes may be gettin too much money that may be kept for himself-- right now -- expenses are high for skeletor , and now with the heart-worm diagnosis-- treatment could and will skyrocket into the high hundreds-- if not more. so please help.
just look at that babeeeeeeee.


so anyhow-- are you bored yet? had enough outta me for one day?

i think i have. besides , i gots things to do-- and part of that, is makin my rounds and checkin up on y'all.

go check out all of skeletors links -- he is rockin the computer world-

skeletors blog

(to view donations and donors - go to the blog- and click - "skeletor says thanks "

as of now?

Skeletor and his foster parents would like to say
Thank You
to all who have contributed to his rehabilitation!
Over $200 has been received so far!

• Beth Z.
• Querida L.
• Bert M.
• Katie R.
• Roxanne D.
• Yileen L.
• Marilee W.
• Brooke K.
• Valerie W.
• Jennifer D.
• Amy H.
• Caitlin S.
• Jamie K.

------
i'm sure after all that has been bought for his needs up to date, and now the vet visit? surely more than 200.00 has been spent. i also can tell you i know of a couple donations that are on the way via snail mail, but the heart-worm treatment will be markedly over $1000.00.
everyone is rooting for skeletor-- and he thanks you.


skeletors face book

donate to skeletor


ok y'all-- hope you have happy days in your worlds today-- if i can manage to remain vertical today- i will be busy... if not? well, i guess i won't.

either way--- good day :))

your skeletor dollars at work :))

snippets from

skeletors blog

skeletor- day one
"please sir- feed me"

there's food somewhere-- i smell it!
giveittomeNOW

I think maybe the weight reported yesterday was wrong. Today he weighed in at 43.5lbs. Perhaps yesterday we got a bad reading or miscalculated. He definitely looks and acts better.

Toys, a leash, and food - Oh My!!!

OMG !
food, AND a TOY?
thanks to everyone for your donations!!!!
God bless you all !

Thanks to your donations, we made a trip to PetSmart to pick up some various goods for Skeletor. It's dark now, so I'll post pics tomorrow. One thing is for sure... dog toys is a racket!

I FEEL GOOD !
(and look - i'm not tearing out her throat ! )

this house full of young folks are so nice to me
i never wanna leave !
but, i have to-
please help me find a home.
i'm a good doggie :))
i will love and protect you forever-
just love me.

hodgepodge in a hurry - (plus dr. update)

don't ya love it when i'm in a hurry?
you know you won't be suckered into readin nonsenical babble for a half an hour. i apologize for doin that-- but you know you love it -- sometimes. :))
but really-- i am runnin short on time right now. i need to get ready to take the kid to school, then head to a dr. appointment right after that.
and yeh, she did come home sick yesterday. she did act like she didn't feel well... but i wonder. ya know. she seems ok today. course i haven't 'seen' her yet. she's upstairs gettin ready. but i don't know. anyhow-- it's work and time that she has to make up-- not me. so whatever. sick or not-- it's her time.

so-- lemmee start with this:

the dog- pit bull that my nephew in jax florida found a couple days ago-
he is nursing him back to health, and takin him for a vet check -- prolly a microchip check etc too-- he may be lost and starved on his own, and really not abused like most of us think.
my nephew is a young man, who doesn't have a lot of extra money to take care of this dog like this awaiting his safe adoption-- so- i'll follow my sisters lead -- and put up this link here--- please, if at all possible, if you can find it in your heart, send a small donation for the care and vet visit of 'Skeletor". so he doesn't find himself gettin the needle before his time. he has a friendly and loving disposition. my nephew wants to keep the dog, but he has his own pets, and a homeowners association. he is unable to keep skeletor. this poor dog deserves a good home.
please help wes nurse him back to health and find him a home. without help from us , he may not be able to even keep him that long.

thanks in advance folks:

http://fuelmultimedia.com/temp_found_dog/



just go there and drop of a few bucks-- you know it's goin to a good cause.

and hey, besides that--- i will personally volunteer that for every 50.00 raised for the care of skeletor--

each nephew will pull some wild stunt such as this ---
this photo is wes-- floridian in chicago-- just love him :)) this has to be worth the first donation; no? you know it is :))

(as a matter of fact-- yes,
"it" does run in the family :))

and, on that happy note- i am out of time- if i get any reportable news-- which i hope to-- from the dr today-- i shall update latah---

happy tuesday folks-

/////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

dr. update - and maybe more

ok, i'll drink to that.
they're all horses asses.
dr jekyll's , mr hydes, and nurse ratcheds'
every last one of em.
i must say, that i have gotten more doctors off their lazy ass,
and more answers that have led to diagnoses -
of and on my own, than any of the so called doctors that i have ever seen.
except for ONE.
can you believe that?
ONE doctor out of maybe literally 100 + of them?
over a span of possibly 16 years or more.
that is pure insanity.
from both sides.

if i were to include physical pain here-- such as the back pain, and migraine headaches? we could be talkin about a span of 22 years ! several of those years being active duty navy- or a military wife. meaning -- also more military dr's.. then after that? VA hospitals-- more military treatment - of low budget- hurry up and wait. "we don't have time for complicated cases-- so get the hell out and take what you get." but-- i also have to admit here , that the ONE doctor that actually probably saved my life, and did find a diagnosis and starting point with my multitude of physical problems, was at a VA hospital in New Mexico. yes i know. the place i often refer to as Hell. because mentally and emotionally-- living there has both times-- landed me in a very bad mental state-- and the last time in approximate '05, damn near physically killed me. i got so very sick. sick enough that we-- me, my dr (s), and my husband were searching for cancer. we almost thought i had it at one point .. and rather than be terrified-- like the rest of the family? i was relieved to give 'it' a name.
i was finally happy to know why i was shriveling up to nuthing. being unable to get out of bed. i needed to know what was wrong-- i didn't care what it was. but after a breast lump was removed and found to be benign? the family rejoiced-- while i found disappointment in starting at the beginning again. because i still didn't know what the hell was wrong with me. i continued to get sicker-- in every way imaginable. for no reason? WTF? the tests continued. until finally-- i got a diagnosis that i could live with, and manage. it was called addison's disease-- also known as adrenal deficiency. yeh i know- that's what i thought too. but they gave me meds and they helped in no time. i gained weight - i regained strength and energy. i felt alive again.
i however was still depressed about living in 'hell', and so did soulkid. that place is just not for us. of course soulman knew we went out there only because it's what he wanted-- to be near his family. he watched both of with our own different struggles, and not only us-- but he wasn't happy either. so- yes we packed up and came back home. to texas. not that many of the physical and emotional problems haven't followed any of the three of us--- for the most part it was a very much needed move we had to make. for so many different reasons. some of those are resolved now-- and some were even life threatening- as some of you know.

so. here i am.... babblin like a brooke-- too bad i aint fishin eh?
ya still with me peoples? sorry bout all the yackin... just a little background for some folks who don't know the whole story.
i'm gettin closer to today tho--i

so anyhow--- gettin more to the point-- i mentioned recently-- that for the past three years or so- i have been seeing a nurse practitioner, rather than the real endocrinologist md - or whatever he is. MD PA whatevah--

i saw the show mystery diagnosis a few weeks ago-- which lit a fire under my ass - that i was gonna demand to see the real dr-- or move on to a new place altogether. i was fed up with seeing this NP - that knows less than i do about this whole thing one more time. so i fixed all that and rescheduled my upcoming appointment to be with him. it pushed me back some. but it was worth the wait.

so--- in the meantime-- i'd watched the tv show-- portraying a lady with 16 years of hell-- many similar if not exact symptoms such as mine-- her diagnosis? an adrenal tumor. hmmmm. aside from demanding to see the real dr-- i also hit dr google up for some answers.

but wait-- there's more-- sorry y'all, there's always more tho- isn't there?
it's cuz i'm me. you know that. right?

well, it just so happened - that my appointment - for some reason, i forgot- got changed , again, by the office, and was pushed back by another week--
that didn't bother me.. i think it had something to do with the ten inches of snow last week or something- anyhow--

during the wait-- i somehow stumbled upon a 'new to me'.... disease-- or syndrome or some such thing. i only found it like three or four days ago. and i really don't know how. i don't remember what i was 'lookin ' for. but it wasn't that. OH-- i know-- it was images! somehow- i came across some images -- while not looking for these images-- but i saw them.
here-- lemmee show ya--

see the more reddish ones?
some i know look like bruises- but some are red kinda-

well - good ole nurse practitioner - tells me like a year or more ago, when the begin to appear on my arms and legs - that they are broken blood vessels/ you have thin skin/ nuthin to worry about/ etc. i of course over a period of time try to find more info- ask other doctors etc-- i can't find a thing- or get any answers- so i finally accept that "it's nuthin to worry about."

UNTIL-- i stumble onto that photo--- it happens to be a symptom--one of many -- of "Bechet's disease" -- well, i'll be damned. it does happen to be blood vessel related - forgot what the page i found it on called that specific 'condition'. but guess what else is included -- or involve with 'bechet's' ? no guessers? lemmee help ya out k? -

1-let's call em 'cheetah spots - yup
2-vasculitis - yup-- i have that in my head - and apparently these mystery spots are due to that too 'vasculitis'
3-brain lesions - yup - found on MRI after second seizure
4-seizures- umm yup (x3)
5-central nervous system 'issues/pain -- yup y'all know that
6-recurrent oral ulceration (abtheous ulcers) is the characteristic symptom for the diagnosis of Behçet disease
Malaise
Anorexia
Weight loss
Generalized weakness
Headache / migraines
Perspiration
Decreased temperature
Clinical features - arthritis-have been reported as pain, tenderness, swelling, limitation of joint movement, warmth, and morning stiffness.
pulmonary vascular thrombosis -- such as the lung clot -

o Acquired hypersensitivity to streptococcal antigens plays an important role in the etiopathology of Behçet disease.

y'all do remember me sayin more than once that "i can look at someone with strep- and get sick?
in fact-- when i got the lung clot-- it was because i was sick with mono- and strep at the same time-- = 5 days in bed. at least that's what we all thought.

so. i told the doc all of this-- and i will see a rhumatoid doc for a Pathergy (skin hyperreactivity) test. which is a prick on the forearm-- seems like it's similar to a TB test - only different :))

and when that's done-- i'll let ya know what happens-

but if it's positive-- and by the looks of the symptoms-- which i have like 99.9 % of?
i'm not feelin too hopeful. there's no cure-- and if this is what i have, at the 'stage i am at- with the brain and CNS involvement? well. do the math.

of course-- soulman and soulkid don't read here very much- if at all-- so if possible-- let's keep this between us k?

they like to be in the dark-- believe it or not.


so - i'll let ya know when i get stuck-at the rheumatoid doc i mean.

til then-
hope ya get some sunshine in your world-- i'm lookin for it-

yeh, i really have had enough !

yep. by midnight. more snow. here. texas. ugh. don't i have a say in this? oh, i don't? well that's not right. in fact, it's crap. i am so sick of the cold weather. have i mentioned that? if i haven't, it is true. very true. i was not born to be cold---ever. ever. i hate it.
i also hate how it makes me feel emotionally. it's downright friggin depressing. and i don't wanna go outside-- or even look outside. but i always have to. if nothin else i have to cart soulkid back and forth to school. good lawd i can't wait til she gets her license. that could however backfire on me ya know. cuz once she can drive ? i will have no real need to leave the house. and if i don't... hmmmm. that might not turn out to be as good as it sounds. but anyhow---

i had more to say-- but the dinner bell just rang, and we're gonna watch a movie on dvd-- maybe i'll tell ya bout it latah-- or maybe tomorrow-

y'all be careful if ya get snowed on... burrrr-- snow makes me bitchy -- er
bleh

so. what's goinin on in your world today?

howdy folks-
what IS goinin on in your world today?

whole lotsa nuthin in mine. just in case you were wonderin.

i have cramps, and i been on my ass since i woke up -- at a very late - for me - 9 a.m.

i smoked cigs and drank coffee whilst i watched the boob-tube ...

a recorded episode of 'the closer'
i love that show.

after that, i cruised around facepuke for a while. yeh that's right. i said that. but i had to get my account back to watch soulman make his trip to florida when he went to get the boat. he posted pix, and kinda did a little diary type thing on his travels. so i didn't wanna miss out on that. so call me guilty of dissin facebook and crawlin back to it.
anyhow--- while i was there--- i saw a post there by my elsdest nephew--
if anyone is in or near jax florida -- or knows of anyone-- a stray and literally starving to death -- pit bull, came into his yard. my nephew is unable to keep the dog or i know he would. he was raised with two pet pit bulls and he knows that can make good pets if they are treated with respect.
so the deal is- he doesn't want to take the dog to the shelter- in fear they would euthanize him merely because of his breed.

so-- take a look-- and if you can-- try to find him a home?

yep--him.

that is just SAD.
poor fella.

well folks-- just as i was gettin comfy-- the soulkid is texting like a mad-woman . she is in need of a ride home. soulman has taken the boat out on it's first test run after the engine install he and a friend did yesterday-- which was gonna be the next pix i was about to put up-- but alas... that part has to wait til i return.

when soulkid speaks-- people listen :))

eegads .

i will be back in a while.

ta ta for now my friends-

ok, so i'm back.
did ya miss me?"
apparently that would be a no, cuz it looks like no one's been by yet.
since i left anyhow- well, noone talked to me at least - so i assume that no one's been by. so anyhow. yes i have returned. somewhat unscathed. visibly so, at least.

anyhow- let's forge on, shall we?

how bout we start sunday, part deux with the new boat?
sound ok to you?
well, you don't really have a choice do you?
i wish you did, cuz i'll write about anything ya want- if you could interject at this point and make a suggestion.
unfortunately-- you cannot.

altho , there is always the comment box--
suggest away.
i could always use a writing prompt or two :))

ok-- mooovin on-
the boat-


there she is --
motor install - complete :))

there she is today -
preparing for first launch.
i kinda hate that i missed the maiden voyage.

but there is always next time.
right?
such a pretty boat.
dontchya think?


so. anyhow-- next on the list?
saturday-- nope-- make that friday night--

we went to the movies and watched a movie i had been anxious to see for quite a while. hey - don't blame me, but i do have an interest in crazy people movies. not killer people movies--just mental people movies. and this one was pretty good.


soulman said he had it figured out pretty early on.. i didn't. so -- i think it wasn't as 'early on' as he says. not sayin he didn't figure it out- cuz he does tend to that alot-- along with guessin christmas presents. he's just psycho-- i mean psychic that way. i'm sorry -- bad joke. he's sane as they come. i couldn't resist the opportunity at the little dig tho-- gotta grab an opportunity while ya can right? and face it -- i don't get too many opportunities, at much really. so - well, you know.

so. that's about it for the soul fam happenins of late. i haven't accomplished squat around here lately. the med change is still kickin my ass. that i can't like. bleh. and i am supposed to raise the new med that i think is the one that is makin me so drag ass tired. i even moved that one to bed time- and i still can't find motivation for any damn thing during the day. it's horrible. i am so not looking forward to doubling up on it. "just like prozac" -- my ass it is. more like seroquel if ya ask me. so, yeh. gotta go from 20 mg to 40 mg, real soon. i don't wanna. but--- if you haven't noticed -- it is helping. that and the added 100 mg of topamax , i guess. whatever works right?

so. i reckon that is all i can force out of myself for now-

y'all have happy days in your worlds today -
i'm workin on it-- or maybe it's workin on me
either way-

i aint cryin, and i am fully clothed :))
that's a hell of a place to be in my world-- compared to a week ago :))

bye peeps-

have you ever woken up in a puddle of melted chocolate?

well, just in case you haven't experienced that luxury? it's not fun. in fact, it in fact is a little like waking up in a pile a smooshed cat shit really. well, because at first ya don't realize you had been sleep bloggin while also sleep eating-- chocolate... no -- you stand there wonderin WTF is this shit on my shirt ! and did hubby see it and wonder, in silence, the same thing??
it's like OMG, how embarrassing. but after further investigation i realized i had been sleep bloggin, and sleep eating last night, and apparently 'lost' a truffle in the middle of it somewhere. end result? a truffle under my back for the rest of the night. oh yay !

so. yep. that was fun. not. i actually remembered the sleep bloggin part. well the bein on the computer part of it-- don't ask for details-- i have none. all i know is i could not sleep. yet-- i did sleep-- then wake up-- find myself online, shake it off, and continue on, rather than shut down and go to 'sleep' like a normal person. ugh.
but-- as for the eatin candy? nope-- no recollection-- except for the leavins on my sheet and shirt. peachy. at least it wasn't a mouthful of grilled cheese :)) that wouldn't be a first. and luckily i didn't burn anything.

can i get any stupider?
don't answer that. we all know that i can. and most likely will. let's just hope i have a few good years left.

welp- my alarm to take soulkid to school just went off-- but is she scramblin down the stairs like beaver cleaver? of course not-- so do you think i'm gonna shut this down like june cleaver? nah, not just yet. not til i hear the pitter pat of her little feets comin down to go to school. like the good girl that she is. hahahahaha. geesh i amuse myself. we never get there with more than two minutes to spare. ever. someday i will learn to not care . but i am always on the verge of a panic attack about HER bein late-- cuz I hate to be late anywhere. but her? she must be a robot when it comes to stress levels-- it seems the only thing that upsets her is ME. go figure.

welp-- really, i should go -- she is actually almost ready--
i shall see y'all in a while. ahhhl- be baaaack.
some -a- y'all are really in need of updating. or is it just that i blab too much?
anyhow---- i hope you all have good days--
it is almost friday ya know-- that is a good thing--
and if the sun shines? even bettah!!!!

laterz folks-



what will they think of next????
i want one :))

guess what i did today? anybody ?

any takers? any guesses?
nope, not a nap.
nope, didn't clean the kitchen.
nope, didn't get my hair cut.
uh uh, not that either.
so. what did i do?
well, i did pick up a prescription.
oh, and before that i took soulkid to school.
ummm, i also bought a case of water.
i paid a couple bills.

oh-- what's that? you don't give a damn? about none of it?
ok. well. how bout this? do you give a damn if i happened to have gone fishin?

well, what's even better than that? how about--- THIS !?

i went to the creek -- and didn't get a single friggin bite. after about an hour or so , i got tired and my ears were actually hurting from the cold, so i left. i swung by the house to grab my camera, and go pee :)) then i decided to go 'my' pond, and give that a shot.

i fished there for nearly two hours, maybe more. i was by that time, in pain. back, legs, ears, head, name it. if it was a part of me; it hurt. and i hadn't had a bite. no fish, no bites, nuthing. i was frustrated, but i wasn't quite at the point of angry yet.

by this time , soulman had already agreed to both cleaning the kitchen , AND picking up soulkid from school---- all i had to do was GO fishing. that in itself wasn't good enough-- for ME. i was gonna catch a damned fish if it killed me! oh and it was about to.

i had one last shot. one other place to try. one other pond that is close to home. we call it 'his' pond. (we have your pond, and my pond) :)) just worked out that way somehow-- he actually 'found' both of em. we just have our preferences-- then there's the creek.

anyhow-- i had been fishin for goin on like four hours -- maybe three-- yeh i think three hours by this time, and absolutely nothin was happenin. so i was gonna move on down the road. and i did.

i got to 'his pond', and i thought to myself - gawd, i'm doomed' -. not only were fish not bitin anywhere in town, but here was my last chance and there were two big ass trucks, with their engines runnin, chainsaws goin, guys workin on power lines. eegads. i knew no fish were gonna bite. they were surely hunkered down .

but-- i was on a mission-- and i gave it a go-- i fished my guts out for over an hour- and just as i was about to hang it up? what do you think happened?
yep--- i missed one ! damn. it was a good hard bite too. woke my ass up tho. so i tossed my line back in, and got really close to where i hit right before. and guess what happened next? you betchya--- wham ! almost as soon as the bait hit the bottom of the pond he hit like hammer-- kapow!! i reeled him in like a crazy woman too :)) i can't remember the last time i went fishin-- but i know it's been even longer since i caught a fish like this :)) wanna see him?

alrighty then--- here ya go -- my little slice of life pie -- finally --- it was good too :))

and no.
we catch and release round these parts.
:))
i sent him home.
then i came home - after another cast or two of course-

i hope y'all had good days out there peoples--
i actually did. and it actually hit a sunshiny 61 beautiful degrees :))

time's a wastin - do i care?

hi folks--
i should care-- but i don't. i do. but i can't. i am kinda stuck to the couch at the moment. soulkid and i should be leaving for school in no less than 7 minutes. she will be 'tardy' if we don't leave within that time frame. in fact, the earlier the better. but guess what? i am not even dressed yet. still in my jammies. and they aren't the most appropriate for man or weather. ugh. mind over matter? yeh right. my mind has been sayin get dressed for the last hour. my matter has been melting deeper and deeper into this couch since i woke up. bleh. help me.
ya know, the thought even crossed my mind to let her 'play hooky'. no. not an option. my next option? throw a jacket and slippers on over the mess that i am, and perhaps a hat-- i haven't even looked in the mirror yet-- i'm sure i look simply mahvelous.

the dr. did some guru switcharoo the other day with my meds-- upping and adding etc, and lemmee tell ya-- it's takin it's toll. i am zapped of any and all of what little spec of what energy i did have before. i am toast. burnt toast. med changes are never easy on me. prolly not for anyone. but geesh, i wish it would kick in and adjust already. i've fallen and i can't get UP.

ok-- one more cig-- and i must go-- maybe even in mid sentence-- who knows?

so anyhow-- thanks for all the positive comments in my last post. y'all are great.
and gypsy-- so good to see you again. it's been a while. i will have to swing by and check on ya when i get back from school. i hope you're doin better.

oh-- is anyone watchin american idol this year? ya know the casey james guy?

he's somethin else-

go ahead - call me a cougar-
he's HOT!
and he only lives like 40 miles from here :))

oh wait-- there's so much more :))

anyhow- i'm now bein bitched at- by a kid-- i gotta go
later

have some more - k? twofer tuesday -

well, you could try and shut me up-- but it prolly wouldn't do ya any good. cuz guess what? here i am, right up in your face. again.
ya know why? cuz just as i predicted in my first post of the day -- i got home from droppin the child off at school, and after actually a few slightly productive to-do's, i am here, on my arse; where i most likely will remain for the rest of the day. unless per-chance i may be lucky enough to get a burst of energy. i simply don't see that happening tho. not today. maybe not even tomorrow.
would you believe it tho-- the sun is out, and whilst driving home from school, the thought of goin fishin actually crossed my mind. just the thought guys. but hey-- that's progress. it's a very small step in the very right direction. considering it was a mere 39 degrees at the time. and not only am i allergic to leavin the house-- i am even more allergic to cold. so hey-- gimmee a couple days-- when the forecast is 60 degrees -- and let's see what happens. there just might be a small miracle in my world. hmmmm.

so. anyhow-- you may be wondering why i decided to post a second time in such a short period eh? well, you see, i was sifting through some files etc on my computer. i happened across a little 'story'. it's really a part of an email i had written to someone recently-- and i saved it to my files -- well this part of it. the reason i saved it is --- as some of you know-- i have been planning-- and have actually attempted, several times, to author a book. one time my computer crashed -- i lost over two hundred pages of this book-- with no back-up. it took years before i attempted to write it again. and i haven't got near as close to that point again. but-- i'm gettin pretty close to knucklin down and gettin serious again. so much so---- i bought a new computer yesterday. hey-- hubby got a boat--- i get somethin too right? that is what i chose for myself. it won't be here for a couple weeks-- but luckily -- i have enough work and cleanin up to do to make room for it that the time is actually needed. so , i can wait.

anyhow-- gawd, i blab a lot. seems a book should fly right outta me eh?

so. back to what i WAS sayin---
i came across this partial email--- and i decided that some of you may want to see it.
just some tid bits you may or may not know--- about the "Soul story"

february, 2, 2010

where the name 'soul' came from :

it started with 'soulmange' - a very long time ago - which happens to remain my email address.

when i lost jacob. i had a dog named midnight. (you may or may not remember her-- but i had that dog longer than any person, or any-thing- ever.) well, cept for soulman-- and he was only a close second. :))

well- when we lost the baby "Jacob"-- my dog got mange. severe mange. she almost died from it. her litter of ten pups did have to be put to sleep because of it. i just didn't know she had it-- she didn't show signs for months- so it made it hard to know what happened to her.
so, that- and misdiagnosis made it hard to know.
by the time she got the right diagnosis- and medication? i was literally minutes away from asking one of staceys friends to take her out and shoot her. the poor dog did nothing-- except shrivel up to skin and bones, go bald, scratch constantly, cry, and bleed. i couldn't handle it anymore. it was breaking my already broken heart.
the day i was going to ask this guy to shoot her-- i saw my shrink--- who suggested i get a second opinion first.
so i did.
she got a proper diagnosis-- some God given meds, shampoos, vitamins, etc.
i swear to you - within a week-- she had a thin but beautiful coat of hair coming in, she wasn't crying or scratching, she was gaining weight- and eating. she was coming back to life. God gave me my dog-- my soul-mate back. she was on the verge of death. and she lived another -- 10+ years :)) (she did have bouts with breakouts- and flea allergies- but we knew what to do to help her.)
God knew i couldn't lose her. not then.

midnight- 2004 - ish

anyhow-- one day- back then - i was looking at her-- she was still really sick at this time--
she was sitting in the middle of the street in front of our house- i was sitting on our deck.
i could sense it that she was as miserable as i was-- and i thought to myself that she was sitting there-- in the road-- just hoping that she would be run over. she hated living that way.

it was then then i thought-- i know how ya feel my friend--- i have mange too. my soul has mange. i want to die too.

that was when i chose the name 'soulmange.'

and when i decided to put her out of her misery.
and me out of mine as well.

she was healed-- with my help of course-- of her mange---
and i was soon after-- admitted -- into my first mental hospital.
after no other option-- i walked -- crying uncontrollably into my shrinks office-- helpless- and hopeless-- with no where else to turn-- and told her-- i didn't know what else to do-- other than die. she couldn't let me leave like that-- she called my husband- then the hospital-- i was admitted-- my husband was beside himself-

i had finally lost my mind.

BUT---

about twelve years later i had this blog--- and i had folks who liked the stuff i had to say on there--- and i had moments of light in my dark soul ---- and mind--- and i learned to laugh-- and trust (a little)-- and folks didn't like to call me 'soulmange.'
because they didn't see me that way.
they didn't see me as a dark , disturbed, sad person.
at least not all the time.
i made people laugh.
i had a positive side.-- and that side seemed to 'come out' more and more'-
i had a helpful side- that cared about people-- genuinely. many times-- more about them than myself.

they didn't want to call me-- or think of me as having 'mange' -

so--- i became
"SOUL"
(my blog was re-titled as well- with a little help from my friends :))
it went from - "queen earlene's finest" TO :

"Soul Survivor"

but---

now i'm brezz.

cuz i had a mental attack after christmas.
and i hurt a lot of these folks feelings, cuz i got paranoid, and thought everyone turned against me.
and that's because i spose i'm soulmange , once again.
so no more soul

just "Brezz"
(a story all it's its own)

BUT--
wanna hear something positive ?

for YEARS i have had the title for 'my book' that i may never write---
and i was driving home this morning from droppin 'soulkid' off at school--
and i thought of a brand new title for said book!!!!!

you DO know what that means don't you????

it means----
i need to start diggin up all my 'notes, and unfinished crap on this here 'book' we speak of---
cuz it just might get wrote after-all.
title being?
(well, a secret for now-- cuz i don't wanna curse it. that happens a lot in my world as you know. well, cuz i am me. )

the end-- well of the email-

back to today---

oh-- that 'me'? is SOUL -- again
and NO-- i'm not schitzo -- just had a bit of an identity crisis for a while.
i may not know how i feel sometimes-- but i always know who i am.
not sure which is worse sometimes. (i kid)

also-- side note--- i have been diggin thru notes and files etc. i see a book on the way.
it's gonna happen. and i am also gonna take some classes at the college next semester-- when i don't freeze to death walking from the car :))

see? step by step--- i'm gonna leave my house if it kills me. and it might.. but it'll happen.

i'm gonna fish
and go to school
and get a life
and write my book
and i'm gonna get out of this funk i'm in
and life will be good again
if only the sun would shine. what a shitty long winter it's been.

happy tuesday peoples-
happy every day :))

tuesday fail post

i just spent literally an hour on a post. where is it? don't ask me. floatin in blog space somewhere. i hit publish post -- then i get a message that i need to log in. WTF? so. i log in. i get a message sayin somethin like , oh hell i don't even remember now. but it wouldn't accept my log in info. even tho-- i know it was correct. can we say ERG !!!!

so. gone like the melted snow, is my blog post that i spent an hour whining. ummm, i mean writing. and no-- only the first paragraph of said post ended up saved to draft. and it's not worth working off of. really. you didn't wanna hear it anyways.

so. i shall start anew , with what i can cram into the mere 10 or 15 minutes i have left before taking my child to school.

what might that be? hellifiknow. let's ust go with it and see what falls out of these fat fingers of mine. shall we?

k. well. it was a dark and stormy night... oh wait.. that's someone elses story. sorry. i get so confused sometimes. bleh.
ok. where was i? oh i could tell you about my give-a-shit-ometer --
yeh-- it's stuck again.

on LOW

that's like runnin on empty all the time i guess. which i reckon, yeh, i'm pretty used to by now. so it's all good. well, as good as it gets-- for now, anyhow.
that would be-- for me. cuz i am me. afterall.

so. next on our menu? that would be. my trip to the shrink yesterday. epic fail. between that, and valentines day? i'd say tie. yeh. either of the two were a tossup for lockup. (i need to remember that one-- but i know i'll forget it. 'tossup for lockup. :)) not bad.
anyhow. yep- it was a scheduled appointment-- i mean i didn't go in on an emergency basis or anything-- but really-- one little slip up-- and i coulda ended up in patient-- it wouldn't be the first time. gotta be careful whatchya say in there at times like these. so. long story short-- i couldn't contain myself and ended up cryin like a baby as soon as i opened my mouth to reply to the simple question of "how have you been?'

umm how bout "caught in hanger " !!!

so. howdoyathink that went? oh trust me-- coulda been worse. much worse. she very well coulda locked me up if i woulda slipped up just once. but i was careful with my words-- but we did talk meds. i have been takin them, so the only thing that could have me this off-- is they ust aren't workin anymore. i have had no changes in quite some time. so she added some, raised a couple.. and i left with my fingers crossed. she's been my shrink for goin on ten years. she knows me inside and out- and we work together on med issues etc. not many dr's let their patients help with medicine issues etc. i like her.
so- with that-- we'll see how it goes. hopefully good.
or better at least.

welp-- folks--- i have run out of time-- i could write more when i get back but really i have got to at least begin to catch up on my life that has set on the shelf for the last week. this house looks like hell ran thru-- i look like the devil ran over me, and if nothin else - i really need a haircut. will i actually accomplish a damn thing?
prolly not. this will be my first day with the house to myself in several days-- and i may just sit here like the vegetable that i am and do nothing.

we shall see

but i must go-

have happy days in your worlds
i'm tryin

thanks y'all - for bein you - and helpin me

how can 'brezz have a "SOL" fishin reel ?

THIS is what i look at and feel inspired by-
THIS is what makes me smile-
even when i feel like shit-

NOT THIS /l\
ever -
an abandoned shoe?
every time i see one on the side of the road?
i wonder where it's owner is-
where is the foot that belongs in it?
where is the other one?
there is supposed to be TWO!
there is nothing to make me smile about one footless, shoe.

THIS is what i feel about a footless lone shoe

but THIS is what lookin at

HIM (her) does to me

SO -- guess what folks ?

i'm goin back to "Soul Survivor"
and i want y'all to come with me.
it won't be the same without you.
I won't be the same without you.

to quote what Donna (TX) said in the comments:

"I loved Soul...Brezz has a Spirit...Which do YOU feel holds the Truth, for YOU? Then, follow that path!"

not to single any one of you out-- because every one of you said something special that touched my heart in its own special way. the way donna worded that-- and asked me to ask my 'soul' a question-- and answer it? that took some 'soul searchin' y'all. and i did find which of the two of Soul or Brezz holds the truth for ME. y'all already knew-- and i could feel it-- i could see it in the way i was writing, and feeling.

i have to be 'soul'.
i feel Soul.

y'all don't even know who Brezz is.
and i don't either.

THIS is who i am-

I am SOUL

LET'S ROLL FOLKS !

Soul Survivor

i had a really cool idea for the photo challenge -

BUT ---

well, y'all know , nothing ever goes as planned around here. i could explain some things -- but it would just sound like whining. so i'll just say i haven't had the opportunity to take pictures. at least not the ones i planned on for the challenge.

i wanna ask y'all a question though. way off topic of the photo challenge. but i'll say it anyhow.

i don't feel like myself lately-- and Lord knows i haven't been even writing like myself lately. not the myself you know. not 'Soul". and that's nobody's fault but my own. but it is keeping me stuck. ya know what i mean?
i shut down my other blog-- and moved over here-- and in my husbands own words

"shut the door on everyone".

ya know-- i'm not even sure why i did that myself . all i know is that he's right. and that it's also not the first time that he has had something to say about y'all, and the way i may have made YOU feel, by shutting you out.

i do know a little about a little bit. and that is only that i felt a little paranoid. i apologize-- but that comes with the territory. it's part of me-- i wish it wasn't-- but it is. by that -- i don't mean -- 'me' -- but it is part of one of my many ailments - which would be "bi-polar" - or what many folks call, manic-depressive disorder".
i have been so in the middle of an 'episode' for i have to guess, goin on two months.
i won't try to pick apart the reasons "why". and i sure aint gonna blame anyone.
when this happens -- usually 2-4 times a year -- it is nobody's 'fault'. sometimes something may 'trigger' an episode. and sometimes-- no one can even guess what happened-- it just happens.

i don't have the 'manic' y'all hear about on tv , or read about in books. you know, the one where the person goes off on shopping sprees, or has affairs, or parties til they realize they should go back home.
nope- i'm not lucky enough to have the 'fun' , yet sometimes still expensive and damaging manic. not me. i got the one that's reserved for the few that, feel that they can't trust anyone. that everything everyone ever said or did to or for them was a lie-- or a 'conspiracy'. that they were not ever meant to be loved or to amount to anything. and that every thing bad that has ever happened to them -- or even someone they loved was their fault. every argument-- every friendship gone bad -- every person who has died before amends were made--- my fault. and in turn i get extremely paranoid and angry. the only way i have ever acted out on these feelings tho-- was towards myself. verbally-- (in my head- for the most part) -- and physically-- in other ways. - insert your imagination here.

unfortunately, the depressed side of this same 'disorder'? holds the same 'emotions' (?) -- along with some others. both also sometimes include 'flashbacks' of things that have been said to me. downgrading, abusive things. maybe said to me by my mother-- other family members-- or friends. even strangers- or acquaintances, or co-workers.

in the rare case that i end up in what is called a 'mixed state" -- or sometimes 'rapid cycling' - stand by to stand by my friends.
it is then that i become a ship on a white squall --- and totally lose control.

of course- when this happens- i try my my damndest to not let it 'show' -
and eventually - yep - i fail.
it is impossible to hold 'that' inside.
wouldn't ya think so?

because basically , my heart, mind, body , and soul, are raging against each other-- raging against me. and for me, to struggle to keep that shit in check, is a lot more difficult that one might think.
i run around here-- feeling like that-- but i try to be all happy faced, and do what i'm sposed to. go to the mall, go to the movies, talk to people, be funny ole 'soul' on my blog.

well, ya know what? i can pretend only so long. brick by brick the weight on my back is getting pretty damn heavy.

and NO -- it's not all about me. if it was all about me.... you don't even have to wonder where i'd be. i would definitely be somewhere where it was all about me. not here. where i have to be careful not to voice too much pain. not to be sad, or depressed. definitely don't go off my nut. and God forbid, don't isolate.

just put on a hapy face. but yeh. i recently found out -- that even tho i thought i was doin ok in those areas? sweet child says to me-- 'you look sad all the time, and that makes me sad."
you stay in your room all the time, and that sets a pattern for me"

lovely. no matter how hard i try--- i fuck it up.

she hasn't even noticed that i don't stay in my room all the time anymore. only if i have a migraine-- and even then-- i sometimes just slap an eye patch on and stay out there with them and watch tv.

the way i 'look' -- holy crap-- i have had that 'look' all my life.
'smile".. you should smile more"
gawd -- if i had a dime for every time i've heard that shit-- i really would be rich.
well, if i'da saved it anyhow.

i know she's a kid - but even before -- she came into my life--- i lived in hell.
i'm not a person that sits around and smiles all day. i smile when something makes me smile.
and yes-- when i get too close to people-- i guess i do push them away-- or even "shut the door on them"--- many times i don't even realize it when i do it.
i just cannot be hurt anymore. i can't take it anymore.

i didn't mean to hurt any single one of you . i really believed that i had done something to someone- that i didn't even know what it was. and i thought there was some 'grapevine - rumor control- conspiracy " out there that i didn't know about. that y'all were sayin stuff about me. that was the reason that folks weren't talkin on my blog so much anymore. i had shit goin down at home , on my blog, and in my mind-- and i didn't know what else to do.

so i ran. it's what i do. i couldn't run away from home. (physically)
so. i ran away in my mind. not only did i run away in blogland---
in some way i did run away emotionally at home too. and it affected my family.
it just wasn't brought up til this last few days. in a BIG way.

i can't tell ya what happened with her-- or how far it went with her-- but yep-- you guessed it-- more blame on MY plate. she should have been able to come to me. i should have been there for her. i thought i was. this was the day robert had a heart attack.
a whole nuther story in itself-- and more blame-- and more misunderstanding from others. (towards me - and my lame feelings)-
regardless-- she mishandled her own emotions-- because she thought i was too into myself. (at least that is my interpretation. )
she instead- has chosen to spend the last two days with friends, rather than to talk to me.
as if i would be any help anyhow.
i've heard her laugh like i haven't heard her laugh in a very long time. sometimes kids just need their friends. parents aren't always the best medicine for a hurting kid.


but-- she is MY kid. i don't want her to hurt. i don't want her to act inappropriately on her feelings-- which unfortunately is also something she learned from me.

i so suck.

how can i love people so much-- and handle it so badly???

anyhow-- i've blabbed for an hour and don't even know what i said---
but i do have a question--

do y'all think i should go back to 'soul survivor"? should i be soul again. and reopen the other page?
should i leave all this crap here -- or bring it over there with me?

what do y'all want?

i love all you guys-- i never stopped. i just got a little screwed up in the head.
it wasn't the first time. it may not be the last time.
but y'all know-- it was a bit drastic... and i so apologize.
soulman has talked to me more than once about how Y'ALL must feel.
altho- he tries his best to understand me.... i really think it's easier for him to understand the normal mind. and he has reminded me of so much. not as i forgot any of it-- but he just kinda laid it out-- that y'all would never intentionally hurt me.
that y'all called when i had a seizure-- y'all called when i had the lung clot.
'people' just don't do that for 'anybody'.

i'm sorry y'all.
for so much.

i will never be able to erase any harm i've done-- but i would like to start over--

the rest is up to y'all.
what do you want me to do?

OX