can you say.... insomnia?

what is wrong with me? why can i not sleep like a normal person? it takes me forever to fall asleep, no matter when i go to bed...it could be 8 pm...or 12 am...but i still lay there awake for hours. then it doesn't matter if i need to be awake at 6 or not at all....like a non school or appointment day etc...but regardless, i'm always up, before the sun! this morning, i woke up...for no apparent reason really...perhaps i just "felt the absence of hubby"?? but i woke up at 4 a.m.
yes, four in the damn morning...on a saturday. and what were the order of events upon my awakening? first, i of course realize, shit, i'm awake...and it's dark. 2.. i hear music in the living room...which is right off of my bedroom, 3... i notice hubby isn't in bed...4... i think...hmmm wonder where he is/what's he doing up so damn early...5...i think , damn, i have to pee!...6... i envision some kind of papers in my mind...must have been something i was dreaming about....but i sort of "read them" for a minute. couldn't tell ya now what they said...probably medical or VA crap. (i wish i could get a lawyer to do all this crap for me but i really don't think a lawyer can do VA claims.)...but really it's all making me crazy, and i'm probably not gonna get anywhere with any of it, cuz it's just too much for my feeble mind to handle. i thought that was why i got a DAV advocate...they have not...ever..and still are..NO help to me whatsoever!!! there's gotta be someone out there who can walk me through this. i have mental problems for Christs'sake! i cannot do all this thinking, and driving, and all this stuff by my self!... so anyhow...all this goes thru my head in like very few minutes...maybe three? then i finally get up to go look for hubster. of course i find him. he got up to turn off the tv..daughter fell asleep with the tv on, watching music videos...quite loudly last night. so anyhow...guess where he is...in bed, sleeping. guess where the girl is, on the living room floor ...sleeping. guess where all the animals
are...yup, you guessed it..scattered around the house...sleeping....YET...here i am....wide awake. typing on my blog. what kind of word is that anyways. a blog. couldn't they come up with a better, more intriguing word? one that would drive people to just feel the need to search them out and see what they're all about? see what so many different people and personalities have to say out there? but they come up with "BLOG".
weird.
so anyhow. i guess i don't have anything else to say at the moment, so shall sign off for now. i'll be baaack. for now, i reckon i shall continue to "smoke and choke" until life on a saturday happens to begin around here.
til then
ore vois (?) :) oh who cares if it's spelled right?

and things change in an instant . . .

well, i don't have much to say right now. just thought i'd fill some space in time for a moment or two.


just when ya think that it's changed,
you see you've relapsed to soulmange.

the pic above is me when i was young...like 7 ish.... long before soulmange.
(the other pic is my cats...jitterbug and spot.) i tried to put them down here, but i didn't know how...yessss, i AM moron.

yep. another rough day.
maybe it will get better later...who knows. but so far.... well...it's crap.

hope yours is better.

..............



ok, i'm back. the day didn't end on such a bad note after all. so, as long as the house doesn't fall in on me, or some other unforseen disaster...i'm pretty good for now. i'm fixin-ta go to bed even, and it's not horribly late...yet. it's a little after 11 pm... i'm hoping i won't still be laying here at 1, like the passed several nights.

but...anyhow. still not a whole lot that is blog worthy has happened today. i ran errands, paid bills.... bought my first carton of cigs since i quit quitiing. i had buying them by the pack, trying to convince myself that i would quit again soon. well..HA. not. i'm back to smokin like a train just like before. and it was gettin pretty expensive buyin a pack or two every day. soooo, i broke down.
i also went to blockbuster...again. after only watching one of the two movies we got the other day. we watched "lets go to prison"...it had it's funny moments. it's worth watching, but not very realistic. sort of that slapstick sort of funny, not genuine funny. we skipped Borat. i didn't want to see that one anyhow. but today i got happy feet, and the pursuit of happiness. only made it through happy feet. i have been wanting to see that since it came out, but never made it, so was glad to get it today. my kid was too into her own thing...like washing her hair for an hour, so she didn't watch it with us...plus, she'd already seen it like three times. but hubby and i liked it.
didn't watch the other one yet tho. watched american idol, and happy feet, and here i am. in my bed. ya know this bed isn't very old...maybe three years...and it is really beginning to suck ! that or my back is just getting worse. but i want a new bed. we had our last one for like twelve years, eleven maybe. it held up a lot longer than this one befor it started to get uncomfortable. now here i am, insomniac from hell, with a shitty bed to boot. aint it great?

so anyhow...i guess i shall throw a couple pics on here and call it a day.
more tomorrow...maybe. i have lots to do. so we shall see.

well i must go...the entire clan just came in and is reading over my shoulder...or at least i feel like it.
later

It's An Old Lady Day For Sure

i could just scream right now. i just wrote a very lengthy, and for once in quite sometime, a quite humorous blog entry... ONLY to LOSE it before i saved it !!! oh how frustrating is that!
i will never be able to reproduce the post i lost. you would have enjoyed it. i didn't even get to read it back to myself...i wrote the final word, then *POOF* it was gone. what a drag.

well anyhow... i will attempt to get it online this time.
see what lack of sleep does to a person? it's 10:45 in the morning and i already need a nap!

so anyways. hubby and i did actually get out yesterday. daughter didn't want to be seen with the humiliating "parents"...so she stayed home. but, we weren't going to let her stop us from getting out for a while. so, we went to the movies, and got some grub. we ate at R.J. Gators. we had never eaten there before...it was pretty good, and not too expensive either, for seafood.

after that we went and saw.. "Premonition". for some, it may be a pretty good movie. for me, well it was just ok. actually, for me, it was downright Disturbing. if i would have known the depth of the content , i wouldn't have seen it. at least not at this point in time. i guess it's an alright movie...for those who don't have "issues". but it just bothered me at points. hubby, had a problem with a bit of it too... due to MY "issues". poor guy. he wanted to go see Shooter... i wish we would have now!

OMG... my damn min pin is trying to have sex with my cat !!! and they are both FEMALE. that is just wrong. sick....and...wrong.

so anyhow, after the movie, we took a trip to hell. er, i mean wal mart. i hate that place ! i swear, every time i go there i have heart palpitations ! but, i guess this time wasn't so bad, cuz hubby was there too. for some reason, it's doesn't seem THAT bad when he is with me. but that is a rare occasion.

after wally hell, we went to blockbuster. we didn't really want to go there either, but i had a late movie, and had to go. so we just went in, grabbed a couple new movies...which we didn't watch, and i don't even remember what they are right now... but hey, i didn't get charged the late fee i owed ! so that was good.

so anyhow, we FINALLY got home. by this time, i was "plum give out".. as my aunt says. i really was. my back was locked up...and was this morning...and even more so now. so last night i just collapsed on the couch and vegitated in front of the tv, until the apprentice was over, then i went to bed. i was hoping for a good nights sleep...but of course...it didn't happen. i layed there, and layed there...forever it seemed. the never ending insomnia. and of course, was up at the crack of black this morning. gotta love it. man, if i ever sleep til 6:30 or 7:00 i consider it to be a gift from God! but ... it's been a while since i've slept that "late". ugh.

well, hubby is off work today...and daughter is at school...hubby drove her for me today...woo hoo...then he went on a short fishing excursion around a small pond near our house. well... for the last few days, we have been planning on having a ... well, a "date" today, if ya know what i mean. well... i guess what they say is true... it really is "a drag getting old". first it started with me waking up with my back in knots...and only worsening with every moment...not to mention my dire need of some sleep. but..... hubby called a while ago, to inform me that he was on his way home.... his voice sounded strange, so i said, you don't sound good.... he said.... "I fell down, and hurt my shoulder; trying to save my fishing rod!!"

good Lord! can you believe that? well... hubby is a pretty big guy, and you know what they say... the bigger they are, the harder they fall....well...i've seen him fall before, and he does fall HARD. so i ran him a bath to soak in, and began to post my blog. what a life eh? we finally both have a free day together, and now we are both too self absorbed in our pain to even want to have our "date". LOL. but hey... just like the guy who falls without spilling a drop of his beer... hubby saved the fishing rod !!!! and i guess in so doing... i might get my nap!

Half way out????

ola my peeps. well, i know my last several posts have sounded , well, a bit dismal i guess. to say the least. but , today just seems a little, not that bad. which is a good thing. i mean i don't feel wonderful... but i don't feel like jumping off a bridge either. which, by the way, has never been "on my list"... in case you wondered. so anyhow, ya, today is alright. i'm sorta tired...well, actually i'm very tired. i slept about five hours last night. but i've done that before, and lived through it. i'm sure it won't kill me this time.
so. what's different about today? i don't know. i didn't get to sleep til real late, and the dumb dogs woke me up at like six or so this morning wanting to go out. Midnight...the mange girl.. well she figured out that if she flips her fat ass tail against the window blinds in the bedroom, next to the bed, i wake up a lot faster than when she just pants in my face ! so, brilliant as she is in her senility, she slapped the blinds around til i couldn't stand it any more and put them out. then i made coffee, and did my good ole smoke and choke routine. (half a pot of coffee and a half a pack of cigs....before anything else). so while i was sittin there feeling guilty for smoking in the house...again...i began to watch the only televangelist that i will dare watch on tv.... Joel Osteen. (i used to watch his dad years ago, and liked him too...but he died, then Joel took over the ministry)...so anyhow. i swear, it was really a message that i needed to hear. it rarely isn't when it comes from him. but it was about...beleive it or not... letting go of the past...and not listening to the criticizing voices in your mind. and he didn't mean like psychotic voices...he meant the stuff that just comes up and tells us how worthless we are, how our life will never change, how this is our punishment, our lot in life....and how it isn't true !!!! well, it isn't like i have never heard that before. i guess i just never heard it when i needed to hear it, as much as i needed to hear it today. i think maybe the difference in today than the passed many... is that perhaps i feel...or see... maybe, just a glimmer of hope. instead of a ray of hopelessNESS. ya know? and i'm behind in everything...housework, dishes, laundry, all that jazz...as usual. my back hurts...as usual...i have no food in the house....as usual....but ya know.....i think i just don't care all that much today about that. i'm not gonna let it paralyze me. i think i just might gather up the hubby and girl, and get out of the house. ya i know...shocking, aint it? but maybe we will go to a movie, or just something... away from here. together. not everyone in their own seperate room, on their own seperate computer, doing their own seperate thing.
well...maybe i'll write more later...maybe i won't...but til next time
happy sunday

simple things make simple people happy i recon

well, i saw the coolest thing ever yesterday ! i went to pick my daughter up from a friends' house... and i had never been there before. these people had a extremely nice home. i really liked it. and the mom was nice. we talked about our bad backs , and physical limitations... and lazy kids. LOL. but anyhow... we went into the living room, and i saw something i had never seen in a private home before.... guess what it was.... a roll around laundry cart !!! i was thrilled ! i said... where did you get that!!!? she got it at "the container store"... due to her back problems... it is really a great help for her. so anyhow. today when i told my husband about it...and how i want one !!! i told him that my reaction to seeing that ROLL AROUND LAUNDRY CART (woo hoo)... was like that of a "normal" woman seeing a beautiful diamond ring ! my longing for this cart is obsessive ! i am going to buy it TODAY. even though i really shouldn't, because we are a little strapped right now... but man. i could actually do laundry...without hurting my back from carrying it all thru the house... and... i would probably do it more often, because i won't be dreading the carrying part ! yes, yes i am a simple person. ans so damn easy to please it's scary sometimes. a damn laundry cart is the main thing that will bring me longstanding happiness. not a new dress, or jewelry...sex could make a difference...but we won't go there. anyhow..... i'm gettin a laundry cart. and i might even wash my eight loads of laundry after i get it home !!! i wish i would have known about these things years ago.

ok... anyways. today is the last day of spring break. it has been all work and no play for this gal.
BUT... my med records are finally DONE...except for hi lighting about two hundred more pages. but, they are now in TWO binders... one is in order of symptoms/diagnosis...the other is in chronological order. i do believe that i have a very good "case" to present to the VA now. i am actually quite angry that they had previously denied my request for disability years ago...even though i was, and am on social security disability for the same disabilities, diagnoses.... but really...having read through all this stuff...twenty years worth of this crap.... it's all blatantly written out in front of "you" to see. ugh. how frustrating is that! the government and their damned money! ya right. i gave them my back, and my mind...and they don't think they should give me anything???? well, THIS time, they can't deny it. and if they do...i will fight til they acknowledge that i am right in this. i gave them eight years of my life and they took away the last thirteen. (you may be wondering, why the obsession with this?... well... the navy doctors could have and should have helped my son...the one who died at four and a half months old in 1989...because he had asthma, and I knew it. he wheezed since birth and was at the doctor every other day or week...for over four months. BUT because he didn't have a family history of asthma (that I knew of)..they REFUSED to test him for asthma. his cause of death... ASTHMA!)
soooooooooo.... for that.... and the life they sucked out of me because of it...... they are going to pay me what i am due...and in so doing.... it will ensure that my daughter goes to college, and leaves home with some money. not just a suitcase and a car, and a take care of yourself kind of send off. no. she is going to be set up, and ready. that is why i'm doing this. for her. and perhaps a little justice on my part. mainly... for my girl though. five more years, and she will be ready for college, and at this rate... we won't be ready for that. she deserves to have a good life...a good future. a chance at being and doing what she wants, and being who she is. that's what i want for her.
and for me.... well, maybe if the va...or whoever "the big guy is in that organization... will see, that yes, they are a HUGE reason that i stand where i stand in life today. in a life that not only affects me...but my whole family in many ways as well. maybe if they will just somehow, admit, they killed my son.... i will begin to heal. who knows. maybe i will be like this forever. but if my mind would rest...i could live better with the physical stuff. it's just hard to be so mental. for so long.
well. that's it...for now. guess i just needed to vent. or "explore my feelings"...as a therapist would say. "go with that".
ha! what crap. i would make a better therapist than many i have seen over the years...and my knowledge is not a college degree. i just can't believe the crap some of them spew at people with real problems. "try walking....eat yogurt".....MY GOD. i have paid people to tell me that !!!!
yo bitch...read my diagnosis for starters. walking and yogurt won't help ME! try doing your job for a change.
ok. i'm done.
little resentment flowin out there. oops.
maybe i shall write later when i'm not so frustrated.
but for now...i'm goin to buy my laundry cart! yippee. gosh am i retarded???? just tell me.

WE ALL LIVE IN A YELLOW SUBMARINE (dot dot dot)

good Lord. why do i always sing the worst possible songs in the world...over and over and over again???? aaallll morning long today ...

we all live in a yellow submarine...

wanna know the worst part...those are the only words i know in that song. i swear it'll kill me if it doesn't go away!

have you ever sat and looked around at your house and thought to yourself... "how in the world can my house be in such disarray, when i never go anywhere, or do anything?" have you? well, i ask myself that question quite often. i wonder how it gets this bad, and seemingly, so fast. yes, a day or two may pass that i don't clean much, and often more than that will pass with dishes piling up...but i'll at least straighten up in the kitchen etc. but it seems that in an instant i'll just be sitting in the living room, or standing in the kitchen...and i will "suddenly" realize that the entire house looks like a train has just run through it !!! all i can do is wonder... where was i when this happened....or, didn't i just clean this place yesterday? i just don't get it. do i have brain damage or something???? it really isn't a slow progression into a cluttered , messy house.... it honestly seems to be an instant massive destructive wave of terror !!!! i just don't get it. it's like i have just awakened from a coma, and realized that i'm in someone elses home... or HELL !!!

so.... to all of you who complain that you work too hard, and wish you could stay home etc.... just realize this.....

when you stay home for too long...it becomes your prison...and you somehow, eventually get lost in some mythical labyrinth of despair and hopelessness that has no exit. and when you have the brief moments of alertness, you cannot handle the reality of your "new surroundings" that have become your life, your self... so you return to the safety within yourself.. because your internal hell, seems better than your external hell, that is your reality.

so anyhow... i think that was my other personality speaking. because i have no idea what i just said or where it came from.

we alll live in a yelllow submarine, a yellow submarine, a yellow submarine (dot dot dot)