Wednesday, September 26, 2012

ughhhhhhh

boy, i'm havin one of those days.  i don't really know why.  i just don't.

maybe i do - but i am just here to put these pix up- and to say one thing

ok a couple things -

first - the pix -- they are of the floor upstairs -- somewhere on this computer i have pix of what the hell up there was before.  the carpet looked like nothing that should ever be in a home.  but it was.  but thaT must be cuz i am me.


but this is what they look like now - and beauty is only what will come.  also, because i am me -- i won't enjoy them as much as i would like -- because they are up satairs - where i never go -  because - well - i hurt.  when i went up before -- it was to clean the hell that existed - or maybe to get somethin..
buying a two story house when you have chronic pain is really a bad idea.  blogging when ya can't see isn't a very good idea either.

anyhow.

the other thing i wanted to say?  i shoulda known better.  nothin to do with anything really.  very cryptic i know.  but i know what i am talkin about - and that's ok.  but yeh.  someone -- has a lot of fun F-N with me... and i fall for it every damn time .  no more -- so... i guess - i just needed to 'say that out loud'. 

ugh

so aggrivating.


what else is aggrivating?  the floor folks are comin back in a while -- i don't think i can handle it again.  i really think i need to go rent a hotel room.  ugh.  just ugh.

Monday, September 24, 2012

shattered fragments of itchy and scratchy

hiya folks -- how's things in your world this morning?  here?  well, for one thing-- my computer is makin strange noises when i hit keys / sometimes -- i don't know why.  but what else is new right?  i can't even manage to make coffee half the time these days.  my vision is a mess...  it has been fading, and my eyes have been hurting, burning  or one thing or another for a long time-- but this last couple of days -- it's different.  i am gonna have to go the eye doc maybe today.  from the little research i did on my visit with dr. google -- sounds like -- shit now i already forgot - ivitis? uritis.iritis.? MY EYE-- i don't know -- i could check - but i don't feel like it.  if it is - whatever i found - it could lead to blindness -- so yeh -- can't really use a computer without eyes.  and most of you know -- my computer is pretty much my only link to the outside world.  so vision is kinda important.

i haven't been bloggin much -- as you can see -- :)) -- ("see") -  :))
anyhow -- i haven't been doin much communicating in any way - for quite a while.. with anyone.
recently- i have been attempting to get back into touch with the world.. meaning y'all.. via facebook, text - or other means.. just so ya know i am alive- and do still think and care about you.
maybe after so many of my comings and goings without notice i have harmed some folks - or done some damage, that i cannot change - and for that i am sincerely sorry.  it may have changed the way you feel - or forced you to put your guard up - or distance yourself -- and i do understand that.  i have done the same a lot of times.  i will never be able to make it right i don't think. or be able to apologize enough.  maybe i should just stop apologizing.

yep -- i still babble.  i have forgotten how to 'write'.  i haven't written in so long.  i have many unfinished posts in my -- well, whatever ya call it -- draft file? --here, that i have tried to write, and they just turned out to be pure crap.  worse than ever.  some only a few sentences, some a title - some -- just crap.  some are actually -- nothing -- just blank..a date...i had convinced myself that no one wanted to read it anyhow.  that - or maybe i had hurt or pushed away everyone.  -- perhaps even pissed folks off to the point of no return.  i reckon a person can can only apologize so many times right? -- for 'disappearing', i mean.

a lot has happened here that i have not told you -- well, duh, that's pretty obvious right?
i think this  year has been hard for me  and manifested itself in every  way -- mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually, etc etc...  some you know - some you don't .. and some OF you know - and some OF you don't.  picture a broken glass on the floor - and that is my life , my relationships, my mind, my body....  my world.
 if you put every thought a person has in one month into a blender and turn it on?  that's kind of what my mind has been like for quite some time.  i can't shut it up.  there has been a lot goin on in in my life and it all spins in my mind.  and there isn't  much to ease or quiet it.  so- i guess that is what has caused a lot of my issues -- such as -- shutting down.. and shutting folks out.  and not writing... etc.
 in turn .. i have been tryin my damnest to not destroy what little i have left.  in fact i am nauseous right now.  it's awful.  life makes me ill.  BUT-- believe it or not -- i feel kinda better today :)) (mentally /emotionally)  jeeeeesh.

i quit smoking the day after mothers day -- this year.  which was a miracle. the whole way it happened.. the way the girl approached me to talk about the cigs, where to get em how to use em, all of it.  i bought one the next day after talkin to her and just like that - i quit smokin cigs.  so i sure do recommend you try one if ya wanna quit . i smoked over 30 years! and was quit within 24 hours.
 but i am havin trouble with the damned electronic cigs --i own FOUR of them, and all are gvin me fits.  but it's ok.  i'll get em figured out or get a new one..

i did however smoke a cig the other night.  it wasn't anything like i thought it would be.  my comfort- my 'best friend'.  my addiction.  it smelled bad.  i felt bad.  why did i smoke it?  most of you on face book know -- our big dog eevee got out and got run over and killed .  it is so heartbreaking.  we haven't lost a pet since Midnight.  who was MY dog. she too was a family dog, but she was my heart and soul.  eevee was 'soulmans' dog.. but she was the family baby-- it wasn't so ever present until she was gone.  OMG. it hit me hard.    i didn't know i loved that girl so much.  i cried so much yesterday i thought i would never dry out!  this is the second day to get up and not put her outside in the morning.  it is just a weird feeling, and it makes me sad.  i watched her video clip yesterday - that's when the tears really came. i mean i cried - before.  but i bawled like  baby when i saw the video - of her alive- and 'working- happy- ugh.  but she was a happy girl/and loved to play. she loved her stuffed 'babies', and she loved us. 
 (here is a link to her webpage/ before we got her... - from her previous owners -- she was a champion shutzhund dog -- with a champion line of pups and predecessors -

http://www.malinoispuppies.com/malinois_eevee.html



sushi has now lost two best friends -- she grieved midnight for instantly and for a long time.
as for EEVEE - she knew before we knew.  in fact, i believe that Sushi knew the moment that eevee was hurt.  because she began looking thru the house for her.  she went into her crate after wandering the house an even upstairs-- that's when i knew something was wrong.  soulman got in the car and drove around -- that's when he found her  :((  -- he brought her home -- yesterday he took her to the vet, she will be cremated and spread over the lake -- just like midnight, she liked the boat, water, and fishing :))

i've been off my meds (anti depressants) for weeks - i felt really true feelings for the first time in many years probably.  grief.  i was angry and sad at the same time. off and on. god i was sad.  i still am of course. but the tears were different.  the sad was just different. i can't even explain it.  the tears were actually -- soothing?   i have been 'medicated' for so damn long that  i didn't remember that you could cry , and feel -- ok- after.  i didn't know .. anything emotionally.  i don't know what i'm talking about.  i don't know anything about 'emotions.'   that don't feel 'wrong'.  or especially the ones that don't come out/ are expressed wrong.  ugh.

yeh.. coming off my meds is a bit scary.  i feel -- what might be 'normal' coming.  aside from the physical horrible side affects -- like right now-- i am itchy!!!  i have been gettin itchy and scratchy - sometimes red -like hives, sometimes just itchy. it might be from comin off the effexxor -- could be the catch all -- nerves.  but the comin off effexxor -- i swear it could kill me dead!  i am stil getting side effects from that - and i only took it for a month!  it has been a month since i stopped it-- cold turkey.  i am getting every listed side effect aside from death !  nausea-vomiting-brain zaps-, hot/cold flashes, MOOD SWINGS.. and i do mean evil mood swings.  to the point of threatening divorce.   which, who knows?  might be a blessing -- i am impossible to live with.

things aside from my own body and mind ,and eevee things have been goin on too -- but are gettin taken care of --

we had flood number one upstairs a while back.  easy fix -- i think i mentioned that here.

i had TWO vacations - should have been perfect -- made me physically ill.

i am more agoraphobic now than in a long while..

we were in the early stages of a remodel - when flood number two came -

we are back to the remodel

before long we will have a real live guest room -- just in case anyone wants to come visit  :))

refer to above -- no big dog to be afraid of.  :((

sushi isn't barking near as much since eevee 'left'

---- i woke up entirely too early due to pain, and combined with vision problems --- i am gonna sign off now---

have a happy day in your world folks -- thanks for the condolences for EEVEE -- she was a great girl.