Wednesday, December 19, 2012

here he is -- conrad - the new baby





isn't he somethin?   i hope i get to see him soon.  i still haven't met my great - niece. who is a year old now.  now i have Conrad.  the family is growing .. and it's hard to watch it grow without me. 



Monday, December 17, 2012

so much - so little

hey peoples -- if there is any peoples left.  i reckon i should apologize -- yet again - for not bein here for so long. i thought i would be writing again, as you could see from my last couple posts. BUT -- yeh, i know , "everything after 'but' is bullshit".. as i always say, BUT- i guess i'm known best for disappearing this last year or two.  for that i am sorry.  i know some of you worry.  well, maybe not so much anymore.  my fault.  i know.

anyhow -- i'll start with some really great news -- my oldest nephew --  first of three-- is at this very moment - in florida, awaiting the birth of his first born.. a boy!  his name is 'Conrad'.. i am so very happy for him and his lady.  this is my second great aunt-ness :))  the first was a girl.  her name is Hayden.  she is a little over a year old now.  she was born to the youngest nephew.  guess the middle boy needs to get busy :))  but yeh,,  i got on this darn computer hours ago - and i just can't peel myself off of it!!!  afraid i might miss something.  like the birth of Conrad.  i want to see the photo of that little face the second it pops up on facebook !



now comes the whining ... sittin here is killing my back!  yep, the pain still kicks my butt.  i try my best to not complain... i have gotten better about it.. just sometimes i have to say it.  'i'm hurty'.  it doesn't make any difference tho.  some days are better than others, and for that i am grateful.  so, like i said, i just do my best to not complain.  i heard a tv preacher -- my favorite one actually.. Joel Osteen, say "Be positive, or be quiet".   well, you can prolly imagine ... i'm pretty quiet sometimes.
my head isn't quiet much tho.  y'all know how my head can be.  i do work on that a lot.  when i get negative.. i have been praying -- and praying some more.  life has gotten pretty messy for me this last few months.  i think a lot of it was the darn anti depressant withdrawal.  i thought that was gonna kill me.  seriously.  it was so gawd awful physical.  absolutely horrible.  everything from electrical face zappy feelings, to some serious weight loss.. as if i needed that.  i still don't have much of an appetite.  i can't afford to lose anymore weight.  if i were to get sick or something i'd be in some big trouble.  none of my clothes fit me anymore.  i wear a belt , and just look bad.  oh and the anxiety and panic attacks are enough to make me think i'm gonna drop dead.  i don't know what to do with myself. 

i did however go back on prozac a couple or three weeks ago.  i had to.  not for depression, but for the anxiety. i couldn't stand it.  it was physically impossible to tolerate.  it has eased a bit.. maybe a lot.  but i still have a problem with it, on a nearly daily basis.  i don't know why.  i just keep praying about it, and try to keep my mind off of things.  like everything.  i keep telling myself that maybe it's the Christmas, or December thing.  i don't know if it is or not -- but whatever might buy me some time is good enough for me. it is very odd for me to be feeling this way right now -- because there is absolutely NO reason for it.  and it isn't a 'mental' thing.  my mind is ok.  it is just a physical awful anxious, horrible 'state of being'.  ugh.

other than that?   my family is doing fine.  soulkid just finished her second semester of college :))  we also just got her a new / used car.  she had been driving a big ole gas guzzler- a nissan pathfinder that she could barely afford to drive to work and school.  a couple weeks ago we found her a little VW beetle.  she loves it.  it's a nice little older car. a 2002.  the price was right and it should last her several years.  the pathfinder sold to the first caller .  so that was good.  barely broke even, but that's the market these days .  at least my yard doesn't look like a used car lot.

anyhow ---  i still think of all of you.  i miss you all, and i miss writing.  my mind has been elsewhere, and i just haven't felt like i could even write a complete sentence... i guess i was wrong.  i can still babble looks like huh? 

i hope you all are doing well and being happy in whatever you're doing .. have happy Christmas and New years -- and know i haven't forgotten any of you.  i'm still here. 

Friday, October 19, 2012

here i am again

hello --

it's another day -- another day that will be busy in both body and mind...  but there is progress being made.  there is a lot of things that need to be taken care of here.  but it is happening. 

if anyone wants to reach me , most of ya know how to do that -- well.. obviously THIS is one of best ways right here .. cuz it comes here AND to my email...
then there's facebook .. oh, how i loathe facebook...  but i use it lately as i try to reconnect with my peeps.  it's helping.
i have text on my phone -- which i would rather use than my actual speaking voice -- especially right now -- but -- i have spoken to a couple folks and it aint that bad.
 i will be attempting to get hooked up on SKYPE soon.. i have no friggin idea how to do that -- i will find someone to help me tho. 

i have been 'isolated' for so long i just don't know how to act.  i feel like i'm somewhere between being born, or being released from prison  :))
i'm not sure.  i feel pretty socially retarded though.  i have forgotten how to talk to people... i have lost my ability to write freely or creatively. 
a lot has changed for me and in me ... but oh, how i blame the meds.  i was blind to so much. 
'i was blind but now i see.'

ok--- i gotta GET UP --


have happy days in your worlds today !

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Don't let the limp fool ya

ok. so. i have no idea where to start this thing.  we went to Galveston for the weekend.  i attempted to pen blog.. as we had no internet -- .  i had my iphone -- which may have allowed me to post -- but i can't remember now if it was my failing vision, or a technical issue that wouldn't let me post on it.  but i did try.  when i did have internet access the dumb IPAD, for whatever stupid reason refuses to let me post pix on my blog.  these little issues frustrate me right into a frenzy.  i'm too old for this.  electronics are supposed to make life easier.  i'm tellin ya-- for the cost, they sure should!  they do not.

we went down there for a 'timeshare upgrade' meeting.  call me forrest gump' - i had no idea that it was gonna be like a car trade in type thing.  -stupid is as stupid does-  ugh.  yeh. they wanted us to trade in our cabin time share .. which i love actually, for one of their condo types.  it would have been a good deal IF that was what we wanted -- which included going about 20,000 further in debt... while ours is deeded bought and paid for.  of course we said no .   i really can't even fathom the thought of paying that much for a timeshare in the first place.  much less when ya add the equity of our own, and their so called cash offer on top of that.  holy cow.  they must be insane.  but oh well. it's a business.

we did enjoy ourselves tho.  soulkid brought her boyfriend , and it was a nice litttle trip.


 here's a couple pix you've mostly all prolly seen -
on the beach in Galveston



"the rats are workin , turnin those wheels"

 so anyways, i have really been wantin to get back into blogging.  i feel very disconnected from y'all.  i feel disconnected from the world really. but i am inchin my way back. i see you.

i mentioned here a lil bit back that i was goin off my anti depressants.  wow.  what a friggin ride.  and not a fun one.  most of the physical side effects are gone now.  they lasted for several weeks.  they were severe, and at times near debilitating. 
i have been on one anti depressant or another -- sometimes more than one at a time -- for over sixteen years.  to me that is absolutely crazy.  almost malpractice or abuse - neglect even -- , thinking now - with a somewhat cleared head.  yeh, i think i needed them when i was initially prescribed them.  i know they saved my life at the time.  but now?  OMG-- other times?  i think they did more harm than good.  i think they really did a lot of damage to my mind and my soul.

i saw my shrink last week , and she was about to put me on another one -- an anti depressant.  because i had told her that i didn't take the 'Effexor" - OR the "Viibryd" -- that i was Supposed to be taking.  -- which meant i was on NO anti depressant.  she then wrote a RX for -- i think she said 'Luvox", but i'm not sure , because i haven't taken it.  i did fill the prescription.  -- just in case.  but i have not taken it.  'how is my anxiety' - you ask?  ugh.  well, i do have PTSD.. you know.  i have a major anxiety/panic disorder, and it can get pretty bad at times.  i have been trying very very hard to keep the stress down, but that is difficult.  but hey-- i'm trying.  and this is new to me.

in this last 12 months this dr. has had me on - or prescribed --

?--somethin i can't remember--
prozac - quit workin -- ... i prolly had a bad day... oh gosh-- an emotion  :((
celexa -- this stuff nearly killed me .. for real.. it took a long time to know this.
prozac --  pretty sure i went back on prozac -- i think i just was worn down from summer trips/
effexor - a panic attack from hell caused some issues --leading to a med change -- and i got this
 viibryd -- then this -- that i did not take -
luvox -- then this -- that i did not take --

i had severe withdrawals from the celexa as well as the effexor - .  it was around march when i went off of the celexa and back on the prozac.

then there was a med change - screw-up after the summer vacations -- and i had a big addissons problem then too.  i got really sick.  did i get hurt around that time?  seems like i got hurt.  i can't even remember.
yup still have memory problems... but they're getttin better -- a little bit.  -- ahh yes -- march -- the tub.  owie.

things are gonna get better.  i been prayin a lot.  a lot a lot.  so that means that things are gonna get better. 

so -- like i said -- don't let the limp fool ya .. things aren't always what they look like
so --- what do y'all think --- don't you think you'd be a little confused at times too?  sometimes i think the woman is just trying to get a kickback from the med company or somethin.  i really don't know.  i used to literally trust her with my life.  now i do not trust her at all.  i am trying to talk myself into gettin a new shrink.  i do need the xanax prescribed -.  so. hmmmm.  things that make ya go 'hmmmm'

so --  as my mind and body filter out all the anti depressant poison after all these years...  a lot is becoming more clear to me.  a lot of it i can't really just put here on these pages, but maybe another time i can, or will.  but i can say this much -- those damned meds sure can control and change a person.
 did y'all hear that part?   those friggin meds really can AND DO control, and change a person.   many times without them even noticing.

i have lost years of my life due to these meds.  and what they have done to me.  and what i have let them let people do to me. or worse -- what they have caused me to do to people....
 it's really too bad that so much has gone wrong with me physically along the way.  it would be nice to have found all this out and be in better physical condition.  ya know what i mean?  cuz there's not a lot i can really do now -- i'm still a mess.



i don't know what to do with myself right now.
 mentally... i feel ok.  i don't feel crazy - mental- depressed -- none of that kinda stuff.  i have to wonder how much of that was medically induced.
like i said -- i am dealing with a lot of anxiety - but that's why i have xanax - it helps.
physically-- pain is a bitch -- we know that.

i'm just takin things one step at a time... all i know at this point is -- a stagnant pond begins to stink after awhile.

Friday, October 12, 2012

jibber jabber

there is my happy lil Sushi.  she's such a little knucklehead.  we got her a Halloween 'costume the other day. it's a just a shirt - but she absolutely loves it !  we got one last year -- maybe the year before -- it was a bee -- she loves that too.  i have seen cats wear clothes at times -- but not so much dogs.  and i'm not sure that any of them actually like it.  sushi LOVES to wear clothes!


 this is the new one -- a punkin :))
and she is a punkin head as we all know


year before last - a bee -- she loves it even now
sometimes i get it out - 
i call it her coat to her, and she gets thrilled to put it on !

if she wouldn't slip out of her leash -- or bark like a foll, at nothing , and everything -- it would be so much fun to take her out 'trick or treating' !!  she would be the cutest thing on the street  :))  well, since we don't have a little kid  :))  she would have to be right?

well, the pic at the top of the page?  that was earlier today,  i felt so horrible.  she loves to ride in the car, and you'd think the poor girl would have it figured out by now... (that when she goes in the car -- she's not just goin for a ride -- :((
i wish i could have had the time to just be takin her 'bye bye'.  but i wasn't.  nope.  we were on our way to the kennel.  i never like to take her there.  i never have and i am sure i never will.  but this was the worst time ever.  this time she is there 'alone'. all the other times, she went with either Midnight, or Eevee.  and the kennel would always make sure that they were next to each other, and went potty together etc.  ugh.  this time, she is there all by herself.  i asked if they would take extra special  care of her, and i of course told them that Eevee -- well, that she wasn't 'with us' anymore.  they asked, of course. we have used this kennel for several years - way back to even when we had midnight.  they were sad.  it made me sad. er.  and wouldn't ya know -- i had to go and do this little errand by myself.  it seems that the harder things that need to be done, end up being done by me most of the time..  and somehow - for whatever reason.. i end up being alone when it's done.  i just can't like it.  but i do do it.  and i will continue to do it.  

i have been busy all day .. trying to get ready for a weekend away.  we are goin to galveston for the weekend . the boyfriend is comin with us.  i hope we are able to have a fun and relaxing time.  none of us have ever been down there.  this was a pretty spur of the moment thing.  we got a phone call .. and accepted the offer of sittin thru a time share (upgrade) speil.  hey why not right. we own the darn thing -- we won't be upgrading. but why not take a 'free' weekend away.  the worst thing is leavin the pup. deep down i know she will be fine . nothin bad has ever happened there before. i am only worried because of the recent loss of EEvee.  Lord that is still hurting my heart.  but it's not like that's never happened.  it'll heal.

anyone know what we should check out whilst in galveston?  we will be right on the water -- temps should be 82 ish.  

well.. interruption -- has occured -- i have been fightin with my car dealer about my broke navigation system and they called and i dont have time or patience but have to call them -- bah!

Tuesday, October 9, 2012

i found it --


there it is -- the 'unstuck' button.  i just cannot seem to get it to work.  :((   the same goes for the getup button.  hmmmm.  i'm workin on it tho.  i am making the effort .  i am making the effort -- i am making the effort.  :)) 

so -- today -- my to do list was for stuff that had to be done away from home... but guess what?  i was trapped at home - due to trees being cut down outside my home.. and i had to stay here til they were done, because i couldn't pay them in advance -- just in case they were to damage somethin - or some other kind of thing. ya know?  so -- my to do list? yeh -- it's  well -- in the stuck position. ( well - subject to change - but it is gettin late in the day - and my pain is gettin bad again ) s0 --

as for me?  sort of unstuck... but i'm 'willing.'   that's the first step -- right.  i'm tryin.. is that the second step?  now,  doing.. well now.. that might be the third step .. and i do -- well, DO.  some stuff.

trying to talk trees with tree guys -- when you are a social phobe and borderline socially retarded -- well that is a big effort -- and well, pretty much humiliating. to say the least.  this isn't the first time i had to talk to these guys .. but it never gets easier.  but hey, nothin awful happened, and i didn't get too badly taken for granted.  in fact i think i got a pretty good bargain. i am missin a cute lil tree -- but the insurance company will finally be off me arse for havin branches on my house. - and shed.  i can't believe that was a problem.  but it was,. ugh.   and you would never ever believe how the tree guy was hired by me in the first place.  it could only happen to me --
well, you see, one day in the recent  past..  i heard some noise in my back yard -- i went to see what it was ... it was branches -- from the house behind me fallin into our yard -- onto my storage shed and onto my bushes etc.  i started yellin over there --- over the sound of saws etc.. and i was none too kind either.. :))  they were screwin up my shed -- and killin my plants/bushes -- i don't know what kind of bushes they are -- but they are plants -- not like ratty bushes -- you know what i mean right.   anyhow...  i made him come over and pick all that shit up!!! 

then i was like --- oh by the way ----  LOL  -- i shit you not ---  i asked him if he wanted to cut OUR branches back etc -- and he said sure -- quoted me a price, and i gave him the job  :))

i can't believe it myself ... i don't mean to be so harsh sometimes.  i really am a nice person.  i tipped them a 20.00 when they left today.  and told them to call in a few days cuz we might have more work later.

we are doin some big jobs around the house.  some of y'all have seen the floor work we did -- there's also painting and other stuff  to do.  so much , that it hurts my brain when i think about it. but it will look awesome when it gets finished.

so anyways -- i am hungry -- it's makin my head  hurt -- the day flies passed me and i realize i haven't eaten .. by then it's almost dinner - it happens way too often.

so.  i guess i will go and figure out what i am gonna do with myself - and - or my to do list

g'day



Monday, October 8, 2012

It's a new day

And i'm gonna treat it like one
Welcome to today in soulland

Sunday, October 7, 2012

i'm tryin

holy hell people.  it has been a helluva road this passed weeks -- maybe even months.  some of you know that.  i might even go as far as to say it's been a tough year.  but i will also say that things are lookin up.  it took a lot to get to the point i'm at now.  it isn't an easy place.  it is a place of readiness.  that's all.  just a place where i have realized some stuff.  what stuff?  well, that i am an asshole.  i really need y'all to point that out sometimes.  especially the times that i push y'all away.  i almost ruined my life here lately.  in a very real way. 
i always thought and said that i could turn my back and never look back----  maybe i could do that.  maybe not.  i almost found out.  in the process ?  i hurt the most important people in my life.  i also lost myself while doing it.  in a very real way.  i'm physically still here -- spiritually lost.. and  a mess. but i'm workin on it- and seeing improvement this passed few days.. it's a lot of work to find a map that  has a compass for all these places to come together again.
 the human spirit -- is a complex thing.  especially mine.  i love so many people.  on such a deep level... it honestly gets confusing .  i am confusing in my own right.  add my issues .. and no tellin what ya get.   soul cocktail?
you all are some very special folks.  you have hearts of gold.  many of you have been here for years, and dealt with me, and my crazy heart for years.  that is called unconditional love.  i never mean to push you away.  but i always do mean to come back...and i am never far away.  i am always right here.  and i never stop thinking about you.  what goes through my mind when i do 'go away'?  ---- that i am messed up'... too messed up to be un-judged-/  

someone said to me once about another bi-polar person...  'blank is fucked up'...  that person was NO worse off than me.  blank has a mood disorder.  and has had losses in their life, and that is hard to deal with sometimes.  this person was - in this other persons 'judgement'  - fucked up' -- in a nutshell.
at that moment -- i think i changed my entire attitude about who i am.  that was a long time ago.   it made me feel judged.  by everyone.  it made me feel like i need to be reassured that i'm ok.  and NOT f'd up. 

well... i think i know 'now' .. in my recent world obliteration... and reconstruction...   it was that persons own -- f'd upness -- -- that person must be judgemental about others to feel ok about their own world.     because it wasn't just one person they judged.  that person was downright mean about many people.   

so if anyone wants to judge me -- look at your own self first -- cuz i have a good world -- and i have too many wonderful friends in it to even feel judged --- y'all need to come kick my ass when i run away -- please -- do that.  the person i am talkin about is prolly readin this right now.  maybe judgin me too.  and i don't care.    i DO care that i'm makin my comeback.. and i am gonna be ok.  
pain, issues, and all.....  because i have the best friends evah !!!

and they love me unconditionally -- i am learning that..  i have a ways to go -- but i'm makin it.

my first step is to stop takin life and people too damn seriously.  myself included.  geesh.  i have a bad day - and think the world is ending.  ugh. 

shit happens and people react.  correct?  it's ok to get angry.  it's ok to cry.  it's ok to have feelings.  emotions do not make me crazy.  why i feel crazy when i have a feeling is beyond me.  why i feel 'judged ' or abandoned over stupid stuff -- i do not understand.  but -- i am starting things over as of now. 

hello,  welcome to my blog... folks call me soul--- 


i hope you have a happy day in your world today -- i am tryin


Tuesday, October 2, 2012

a blurb

check.  check.  yep.  this thing still works. 

must be me who's broke.  i'm still here tho.  sometimes  unable to complete a sentence, or write a comment on facebook without drawing a blank...   but i am still here.  


i really miss the days when bloggin was a daily thing for me , and my friends who read them... we connected on a totally different level than facebook.  and now it seems that all there is anymore is facebook.. and i just can't like it.
facebook just doesn't let me say as much as i need to say -- of course at the moment - i don't have a lot to say --  but at least here i can say whatever, and however much i want to say -- 

i just hate facebook.  i wanted to let you know.  :))


Wednesday, September 26, 2012

ughhhhhhh

boy, i'm havin one of those days.  i don't really know why.  i just don't.

maybe i do - but i am just here to put these pix up- and to say one thing

ok a couple things -

first - the pix -- they are of the floor upstairs -- somewhere on this computer i have pix of what the hell up there was before.  the carpet looked like nothing that should ever be in a home.  but it was.  but thaT must be cuz i am me.


but this is what they look like now - and beauty is only what will come.  also, because i am me -- i won't enjoy them as much as i would like -- because they are up satairs - where i never go -  because - well - i hurt.  when i went up before -- it was to clean the hell that existed - or maybe to get somethin..
buying a two story house when you have chronic pain is really a bad idea.  blogging when ya can't see isn't a very good idea either.

anyhow.

the other thing i wanted to say?  i shoulda known better.  nothin to do with anything really.  very cryptic i know.  but i know what i am talkin about - and that's ok.  but yeh.  someone -- has a lot of fun F-N with me... and i fall for it every damn time .  no more -- so... i guess - i just needed to 'say that out loud'. 

ugh

so aggrivating.


what else is aggrivating?  the floor folks are comin back in a while -- i don't think i can handle it again.  i really think i need to go rent a hotel room.  ugh.  just ugh.

Monday, September 24, 2012

shattered fragments of itchy and scratchy

hiya folks -- how's things in your world this morning?  here?  well, for one thing-- my computer is makin strange noises when i hit keys / sometimes -- i don't know why.  but what else is new right?  i can't even manage to make coffee half the time these days.  my vision is a mess...  it has been fading, and my eyes have been hurting, burning  or one thing or another for a long time-- but this last couple of days -- it's different.  i am gonna have to go the eye doc maybe today.  from the little research i did on my visit with dr. google -- sounds like -- shit now i already forgot - ivitis? uritis.iritis.? MY EYE-- i don't know -- i could check - but i don't feel like it.  if it is - whatever i found - it could lead to blindness -- so yeh -- can't really use a computer without eyes.  and most of you know -- my computer is pretty much my only link to the outside world.  so vision is kinda important.

i haven't been bloggin much -- as you can see -- :)) -- ("see") -  :))
anyhow -- i haven't been doin much communicating in any way - for quite a while.. with anyone.
recently- i have been attempting to get back into touch with the world.. meaning y'all.. via facebook, text - or other means.. just so ya know i am alive- and do still think and care about you.
maybe after so many of my comings and goings without notice i have harmed some folks - or done some damage, that i cannot change - and for that i am sincerely sorry.  it may have changed the way you feel - or forced you to put your guard up - or distance yourself -- and i do understand that.  i have done the same a lot of times.  i will never be able to make it right i don't think. or be able to apologize enough.  maybe i should just stop apologizing.

yep -- i still babble.  i have forgotten how to 'write'.  i haven't written in so long.  i have many unfinished posts in my -- well, whatever ya call it -- draft file? --here, that i have tried to write, and they just turned out to be pure crap.  worse than ever.  some only a few sentences, some a title - some -- just crap.  some are actually -- nothing -- just blank..a date...i had convinced myself that no one wanted to read it anyhow.  that - or maybe i had hurt or pushed away everyone.  -- perhaps even pissed folks off to the point of no return.  i reckon a person can can only apologize so many times right? -- for 'disappearing', i mean.

a lot has happened here that i have not told you -- well, duh, that's pretty obvious right?
i think this  year has been hard for me  and manifested itself in every  way -- mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually, etc etc...  some you know - some you don't .. and some OF you know - and some OF you don't.  picture a broken glass on the floor - and that is my life , my relationships, my mind, my body....  my world.
 if you put every thought a person has in one month into a blender and turn it on?  that's kind of what my mind has been like for quite some time.  i can't shut it up.  there has been a lot goin on in in my life and it all spins in my mind.  and there isn't  much to ease or quiet it.  so- i guess that is what has caused a lot of my issues -- such as -- shutting down.. and shutting folks out.  and not writing... etc.
 in turn .. i have been tryin my damnest to not destroy what little i have left.  in fact i am nauseous right now.  it's awful.  life makes me ill.  BUT-- believe it or not -- i feel kinda better today :)) (mentally /emotionally)  jeeeeesh.

i quit smoking the day after mothers day -- this year.  which was a miracle. the whole way it happened.. the way the girl approached me to talk about the cigs, where to get em how to use em, all of it.  i bought one the next day after talkin to her and just like that - i quit smokin cigs.  so i sure do recommend you try one if ya wanna quit . i smoked over 30 years! and was quit within 24 hours.
 but i am havin trouble with the damned electronic cigs --i own FOUR of them, and all are gvin me fits.  but it's ok.  i'll get em figured out or get a new one..

i did however smoke a cig the other night.  it wasn't anything like i thought it would be.  my comfort- my 'best friend'.  my addiction.  it smelled bad.  i felt bad.  why did i smoke it?  most of you on face book know -- our big dog eevee got out and got run over and killed .  it is so heartbreaking.  we haven't lost a pet since Midnight.  who was MY dog. she too was a family dog, but she was my heart and soul.  eevee was 'soulmans' dog.. but she was the family baby-- it wasn't so ever present until she was gone.  OMG. it hit me hard.    i didn't know i loved that girl so much.  i cried so much yesterday i thought i would never dry out!  this is the second day to get up and not put her outside in the morning.  it is just a weird feeling, and it makes me sad.  i watched her video clip yesterday - that's when the tears really came. i mean i cried - before.  but i bawled like  baby when i saw the video - of her alive- and 'working- happy- ugh.  but she was a happy girl/and loved to play. she loved her stuffed 'babies', and she loved us. 
 (here is a link to her webpage/ before we got her... - from her previous owners -- she was a champion shutzhund dog -- with a champion line of pups and predecessors -

http://www.malinoispuppies.com/malinois_eevee.html



sushi has now lost two best friends -- she grieved midnight for instantly and for a long time.
as for EEVEE - she knew before we knew.  in fact, i believe that Sushi knew the moment that eevee was hurt.  because she began looking thru the house for her.  she went into her crate after wandering the house an even upstairs-- that's when i knew something was wrong.  soulman got in the car and drove around -- that's when he found her  :((  -- he brought her home -- yesterday he took her to the vet, she will be cremated and spread over the lake -- just like midnight, she liked the boat, water, and fishing :))

i've been off my meds (anti depressants) for weeks - i felt really true feelings for the first time in many years probably.  grief.  i was angry and sad at the same time. off and on. god i was sad.  i still am of course. but the tears were different.  the sad was just different. i can't even explain it.  the tears were actually -- soothing?   i have been 'medicated' for so damn long that  i didn't remember that you could cry , and feel -- ok- after.  i didn't know .. anything emotionally.  i don't know what i'm talking about.  i don't know anything about 'emotions.'   that don't feel 'wrong'.  or especially the ones that don't come out/ are expressed wrong.  ugh.

yeh.. coming off my meds is a bit scary.  i feel -- what might be 'normal' coming.  aside from the physical horrible side affects -- like right now-- i am itchy!!!  i have been gettin itchy and scratchy - sometimes red -like hives, sometimes just itchy. it might be from comin off the effexxor -- could be the catch all -- nerves.  but the comin off effexxor -- i swear it could kill me dead!  i am stil getting side effects from that - and i only took it for a month!  it has been a month since i stopped it-- cold turkey.  i am getting every listed side effect aside from death !  nausea-vomiting-brain zaps-, hot/cold flashes, MOOD SWINGS.. and i do mean evil mood swings.  to the point of threatening divorce.   which, who knows?  might be a blessing -- i am impossible to live with.

things aside from my own body and mind ,and eevee things have been goin on too -- but are gettin taken care of --

we had flood number one upstairs a while back.  easy fix -- i think i mentioned that here.

i had TWO vacations - should have been perfect -- made me physically ill.

i am more agoraphobic now than in a long while..

we were in the early stages of a remodel - when flood number two came -

we are back to the remodel

before long we will have a real live guest room -- just in case anyone wants to come visit  :))

refer to above -- no big dog to be afraid of.  :((

sushi isn't barking near as much since eevee 'left'

---- i woke up entirely too early due to pain, and combined with vision problems --- i am gonna sign off now---

have a happy day in your world folks -- thanks for the condolences for EEVEE -- she was a great girl.

Sunday, July 8, 2012

so instead of blowin up facebook ---

hiya folks !

i'm back..  but then again, where have ya heard that before?   we got home saturday afternoon from Falcon Lake, Tx. from our 20th anniversary vacation week.   boy, i never knew that fishing could be so darn exhausting.  we sure had a good time tho.  sunburns and all.  :))  i couldn't tell you how long it's been since i had a sunburn like that.  or 'this' i should say.  i think even my eyeballs got sunburned!  they hurt even still.  no, i don't really think they got burnt.  but they hurt.  my legs and arms and hands and everything else burnt tho.  my lower legs even peeled!  that hasn't happened in like 7 years or more.   it was hot down there.   
our first or second day was actually kind of funny ... it was reminiscent of our seventh anniversary.  almost exactly.  on our 7th anniversary , we took a vacation from Wichita kansas to lake fork, tx.. also to fish a world renown trophy bass fishing lake.   we had all these big hopes and dreams of catching our 'walters! ' .. (of course 'Walter' wasn't even heard of back then.. but we have always had the dream of a ten pound bass) -- so we drove all those miles - with a 5 year old soulkid to celebrate our anniversary -  and when we got there - and rented a 14 foot -- really not very sea worthy - john boat -- the sky opened up and poured rain... hard -- if not for hours it was a day or two.  - we didn't let it ruin our trip back then - and guess what?
 here we are - all these years later -- 13 years later to be exact -- at yet another - world renown trophy bass fishing lake -- still chasing after our 'walter' -  and what happened?  yep, you guessed it ... the sky opened up, and poured rain on us... it even hailed -- pea sized hail....  on day one of our vacation.   we could only laugh, and remember our first big bass lake vacation.  you know it's cuz we are us.   it wasn't bad though.  it was kind of nice.  i should have taken a few pictures but i didn't think to.  i got a lot of other pics tho -- but, we didn't let it ruin our trip this time either .  (unlucky 13?  nah)

anyhow, in honor of my dadio - who was a lifer in the  border patrol, i took several Border Patrol pix -- some awesome ones at that --

 (my dad- back in the day)

border patrol, zapata, tx



inspection station, BP, near Laredo , tx

i had never seen a border patrol boat like that, i thought it was the coolest thing ever. note the engineS, TWO big ole engines on that thing, i bet it hauls booty!   i  wondered if my dad ever got to patrol on one.  i don't have the opportunity to ask him, so if anyone in the family knows -- let me know.  
i do know that he was stationed in Puerto Rico for a few years -- among some other coastal places.. so he may have had a chance , but i bet back in those days, they were nothin like these boats.

so, Zapata , Texas,  what a town.  it has a population of maybe twelve.  :))   it's a small place.  not much of a variety of places to eat or sleep.  soulman smoked a brisket on our big green egg before we left and we took that and some other eats with us.. it lasted a few days , and made some viscous tacos.  we ate tacos twice a day for three days :))  there was one restaurant there in Zapata that a guy on TV with a fishin show - "Mark Zona" - ate at when he filmed his show down there - so of course we had to go there... they had some awesome chicken fried steak -- we ate that - BOTH times we went there. :))

 (never enough gravy - :))

we originally had rented a condo for the week, but that didn't work out too well.  you know the drill.. it's cuz we are us  :))  it wasn't terrible or anything, it was just that there were a few 'issues'.  such as .. .. well,  we were layin in bed on the second night (maybe even the first)  and it was like 10:00 PM or so, when suddenly a shot rang out in the dark.  or three.  oh yeh.  for real.  maybe four.  i was so tired it didn't bother me that much.  normally it might have scared the crap outta me, but i was so exhausted every night we were there that nothing seemed to matter much - except the next day of fishing - or maybe the next meal.     but as for soulman?  it bothered him... a lot.  we didn't talk about it tho.  he got out of bed and scoped things out of course.  he didn't see anything or anybody around the house, but he was worried about it.  for the next day or two things were pretty weird .  the area we were in apparently wasn't the best in town... obviously.  ya couldn't really tell by lookin at it tho-- but we would be out - goin or comin from fishin or eatin or something, and a car would drive by real slow - or circle around the block a couple or three times .. it was real weird.  creepy even.  we only slept there two or three nights when soulman went to the tackle shop and before he even got back he called me and told me to start packin our stuff cuz he got a hotel room in town  :))  he just didn't feel safe there -- and leaving me there alone was all it took for him to realize just how unsafe he felt. 



so we got a nicer safer place to stay for the rest of our time there.  no more gunshots -- no more ants.. yep - there were ants on the kitchen counter at the condo too.  beats roaches, but i hate them just as much .. i don't know why, i don't know where they come from or why they bother me like they do, but i was glad to be rid of them.  the hotel room had a fridge and a microwave - so it was nice.  of course -- on our first night there, we went to heat up some left -over chicken fried steak .. when guess what happened?  yeh.. the microwave didn't work -- cuz yup -- we are us!  :))  BUT -- we got a brand new in the box microwave for the rest of our stay  :))

so - the fishing?  oh it was fantastic-O!!  soulman caught the first several fish.. of course.  i almost began to feel like i wasn't gonna get any.  ooooh that's a bad feelin.  he was haulin in some awesome fish too.   i was gettin skunked :((  two hours prolly went by - he had two, 7 pound bass - AND a few smaller ones,  i had nuthin.






but then -- my luck started to change ! -- they started small ---  like the ones from home at the pond -- but i was happy with em !




after a few like these, (that i caught the next day ) - guess what happened ?
KABOOM !
almost SIX pounds hammered my line!
at this point - i had my biggest fish - to date - on my rod --



that made me a happy soul !  :))

before him, it had been years since i caught a fish that big.  when i did? i named him .. i named him 'uncle George'

hmmmm... now that i see 'uncle george again..
he doesn't seem so big after all.
i think i've caught many fish bigger than him since then  :))
he's still a nice fishy tho, isn't he?  that was my first 'nice fish'.. kansas 1998-ish.
i was quite the chunk myself eh?

so, after my big catch, it was soulmans turn again -- and he got his record catch, and THE record catch for the Falcon trip--  a whopping EIGHT POUND BASS !  and one of the very few photos of him without that UV protective buff thing over his face :((




we had soooo much fun!  i don't even know what was more fun, 
catchin fish or watchin each other catch fish.  it was all fun!
we both broke our big bass records - him with 8 pounds , me with 7.3

i don't know what i will do if i ever do get 'walter' at ten pounds or better.  i just can't even imagine pullin in a fish that big after what it was like bringin in the ones i did on this trip.  it was insane!  
after i had time to think about it , i realized that my bigger bass wasn't much smaller than soulkid was when she was born!  she weighed 7 pounds, 9 ounces.  my fish weighed 7 pounds, 3 ounces !  and for soulman, his was BIGGER than she was at birth!  it's just crazy to think that a bass can be bigger than a baby!




this was my biggest BASS of the trip - 7.3 lbs

just a few ounces bigger than the one i got just before it.
and only SIX ounces less than my child was at birth!

soulkid - 3/9/1994
7.9 LBS

here is soulman, and his almost 7 pounder - with the greatest catch of his life :))

this one weighed in at 6.8 pounds

this is my other big one -

i got him first that day.
biggest fish of my life at that moment.  you can see it on my face can't ya?
i was even happier than i look!

bringin in fish like these isn't as easy as you might think either -
it's actually quite hard work -
some of you have heard me use the term "bass burn"
i had it worse than ever from this trip -- 


it was/is well worth it tho.  it doesn't hurt anymore.
but when it did hurt - i didn't care  :))

what i DO care about is bein home finally.  it seems like we were gone for a month.  it was so strange to be away from soulkid for that long.  she did good tho.  except for the fact that one of the first things she told us was that she quit her job.  ummm. yeh.  she did.  when the cat's away , the mouse will play.  no. it's not as bad as it sounds.  she had another job offer.  it just doesn't look like it's as secure as she thought it was when she quit the job she had.  live and learn.  she does have other options though.  good thing we didn't stay away any longer than we did i reckon.  :))

other than that?  i had about 23 words with friends games goin when we left -- i didn't play a single word on our trip.  ummmm...  guess where that landed me?  yeh.  the doghouse.  if you play the game at all - you know it forced me to 'forfeit' every last game.  i didn't do it on purpose !  don't hate me!  is 23 goin through your mind like i'm crazy for havin that many to begin with?  it IS crazy, but it happens.  it doesn't take long before ya end up with 2 or 3 games with every one ya play with , and the next thing you know - there you are with two hundred games goin and you're just outta control!  then , see what happens?  so don't hate me, i was on my hunny-moon  :)) i still love ya <3
i really just didn't barely touch my phone. only a few trimes to update facebook, and of course i talked to my soulkid every day.  other than that - i did nothing but eat, sleep and fish :))

now, i am on the verge of recovery, and gettin back on track with  life and my peoples, and my biness. i have medicine to refill, bills to pay , errands to run.. next week i have appointments to get to...  just life in general to get caught up on and the groove to get back into.  so y'all should be seein me around a little bit more.  i hope that's a good thing?  it is for me.  cuz i have missed y'all.

anyhow, i must get offa this thang.  my eyes ballz are burninnnnnn

g'night folks!
hope y'all have a happy day tomorrow - and a happy week ahead!


Falcon Lake sunset

Wednesday, June 20, 2012

still kickin

ola my peep-le

how's it goin?  i am still around. altho ya might not know it by my lack of blogging lately.  i have been a busy girl.

i got back from vacation maybe a week ago -- girls-week, that is. and it has taken me that long to - only almost catch up. man, i don't think i should leave town for that long again.  five days maybe, but 7-8 is apparently too long.  physically it kicked my ass, and in business, yup there too.
also while i was away -- hubby decided to buy a boat !  it's a very nice boat  i'll give him that.  wanna see it?

not the greatest pic - but it is a nice boat - AND it books out at around 5,000 more than we paid for it.
good job soulman!

it took a lot of convincing for him to get out of hot water - but as soon as i saw the cracked transom on OUR boat (that neither of us knew about til i was gone) - - i was perfectly fine with his decision.  and finding out that he had our boat sold already, made it even sweeter. ( i don't know why he didn't begin his speel with those things... men.)

anyhow - girls week was a ton of fun -- i met the girls in eureka springs for two days - then to hot springs where my sister lives, then we went to a yurt for overnight -which i think was the best of all ! -- 
my aunt went missing ! like as in literally MISSING!  MIA type missing.  we called the police and everything.  it was crazy. but in the end she was ok, :)).  she had forgot what day it was, and was with her sister picking berries  :)) she was supposed to meet us - and no one heard from her -- or could reach her by phone, for two days ... yeh.. IT does run in the family  :))

i am still NOT smokin - i am still on the electronic ciggie.  knock on wood.  since mothers day :))  doin well with it.  the soulfam is proud of me , and i am too.  i like it better than cigs.  it tastes better.. no smell, no fear of burnin the house down.. y'all know i was bad about fallin asleep with cigs :((  no more of that.  

things are good.  i could use some energy.  i don't know what's up with that.  before girls week i was real full of energy.  since then i am suffering from a lot of pain, and burn out.  i hope that passes.  soon.  

hubby and i have our big 20 anniversary vacation planned !  our very first anniversary without the child.  it will be interesting.  i still wonder if we will survive it without -- (A)- coming home early in worry -- or (B) - thinkin too much about her and not bein able to focus on what we are doin.  
we are heading to lake falcon for our very first even overnight away from home/ childless trip in 18 years.  bah !  wish us -- and her luck  :))  (she won't be alone - she will have a friend with her and her doggies.)

anyhow here are a few pix from girl-week 2012-- enjoy --
click on em to make em bigger -

a beautiful cat who loves to be in  pix 
at 'turpentine creek' in eureka springs

 this is all of us with my aunt - eureka springs

 vickie and my aunt - who went MIA  :))


 soul chillin - i'm on a boat !


i'm so damn easy to please !
me, sorting tackle at the yurt



 they toilet papered me at at the yurt ! :))


too far away pic - me and my sis - at clearwater creek
(our childhood playground)


(out of order - taken right before i left)




me and my sis on her boat

 my sis and vickie on the boat

///////////////////////////////////////////

and a final treat -- my soulman  :))
(right after i got home :))
 
even soulman can't understand me.  :))
but he loves me anyhow

y'all take it easy -- and have a happy day in your worlds today !!!!