Sunday, December 5, 2010

sunday stuff in soulland

hiya peoples!
what's goinin on in your worlds today? hopefully all is well with you and yours. i reckon i can''t complain in mine. ha! for once. today is actually goin pretty good.  i've even been doin some cleaning and other much needed things around the house.

you may have noticed i haven't been around much this past week... that would be because i have felt like absolute dog poop.  run over and set on fire -- twice.   OMG.  you wouldn't believe it.  remember how i was just tellin y'all how my meds were workin, and i was feelin better and all that??  well, i think it was wednesday.  i woke up- with plans to take soulkid to school, and her weekly appointment, just like every wednesday.  except for the fact that i couldn't breathe, or open my eyes!  my mouth and throat felt like something died in there, and got trapped on the way down.  not to mention the fact that i felt like my heart was about to blow out of my chest!  hell.  i didn't know what to think.  or do.  hubby was at work, so i got up and went to wash my face and 'see' WTH was goin on.  what did i see when i looked in the mirror????   i can't show you the real me... but it was similar -- prolly worse -- yeh.. it was worse --- but close to THIS:


it was awful! at first i thought i was gonna have to go out like that and get the child to her appointments.  but the longer i sat there trying to feel better -- the worse i felt.  and the more i realized what a stupid move driving would be.  (obviously, i couldn't see) so.  i rescheduled both of her things, and spent the rest of the day feeling like the elephant man ... wondering WTF happened to me.
 this was obviously NOT  a cold. so if not a cold-- WTH was it?
 i remembered, i had just started a new and different med for sleep two nights before. (that wasn't working.  in fact it was doing the opposite, and making it harder to get to sleep).  i had been having a lot of trouble sleeping .. i always do- but really, i'm gettin sick of it, and am taking way to much xanax (the only thing that works) - so thought i'd ask for something new.  anyhow- that was my first thought.  aha! i'm allergic to the new med.  maybe.
i of course get online and begin checking the symptoms of allergic reactions of this med.  they do seem to match a lot of what i had goin on.  but after a while - after calling my dr. and getting the no brainer 'don't take any more ' response- that i had already expected.    -- i started thinking of anything else that may have caused it.  i mean i really looked and felt bad.  and it came on so sudden - it had to be something.  and it wasn't a cold.  and i don't have 'allergies'.  then i remembered the other new med they gave me at the VA -- when was that? almost two weeks , right?  i thought that would make more sense than something i had taken only two times.  so i got back online and checked that med.  i asked them before i took it too-- about taking TWO steroids.  because i already take one every day for 'addisons' as it is.  so i was a bit worried about side effects before i even took the stuff. they said -- 'no, don't worry, it'll be fine.'  hmmmmph. well.  fine, my ass.  the more i read, the more it made sense.  it was that med.  the new and additional steroid.  i had steroid overload.  which led to steroid face.  i checked my blood pressure-- it was high.  i was nauseated.  my eyes were swollen, my throat was hoarse and it hurt to talk or eat.  UGH.  this went on for THREE days.  needless to say i did not leave the house.  yesterday was the first day since tuesday that i left my front door.  do i have to say it again y'all?  cuz i think you know already.  i hate doctors!  even tho i questioned them, and didn't want to take two steroids... they gave it to me -- and i exploded.  bleh.  i don't know if it's an allergy to that new steroid, or if it was just an overload since they added that and raised mine.  but i obviously stopped that one and i cut mine down some.  now i'm back to normal.  but man that was a rough few days... my pants didn't even fit!!!!  have i mentioned the fact that i hate taking medicine?  well i do!

anyhow- today, i feel pretty good.  considering the last several.  i also have nothin else to say since i have done nothing and gone nowhere lately.  unlike the child.  she has been turned loose many times with my car, and is loving it.  i can't believe she finally got her drivers license.  or the fact that i let her drive my car.  it's very nerve wracking.  so far she hasn't wrecked it or got a ticket.  i pray constantly while she's out.  it wouldn't hurt any if y'all shot a prayer or two up in her favor once in a while :))  she's scary behind the wheel sometimes.  other times she does pretty good tho.  i actually dozed off one time while she was driving-- i haven't done that in several years-- no matter who was driving.  so that's sayin somethin.  :))

well- aside from that? our wood floor installation should be completed by tomorrow night -- so stay tuned for photos of that.  i'm excited !!!

happy sunday in your worlds folks !

Friday, November 26, 2010

ch-ch-ch-changes

what's new peeps?  that's what i was asking myself earlier today, whilst i was dying from boredom .  the boost of steroids etc must have kicked in, because the last couple of days i have been feeling a lot more energy.  but then again, the pain i have from the rhizotomy -etc- prevents me from doin anything with it.  today was a rough day to be in my own skin.  if it wasn't so hellish outside with the traffic and the stores and all that i may have actually gone out and done something.  i did think about it a lot- but sure didn't go anywhere.  instead i sat on my ass and watched a tv marathon of 'criminal minds' with my daughter.  :))  -- remember when it was 'law and order SVU?' around here?. lawdy we'd watch those shows for hours together.  now we're hooked on criminal minds.  i bet we watched at least 5 or 6 episodes today . there are more still recording  :))

 my body aches just from sitting.  i feel awful for it... (mentally) - but at least i have made it the last two days without sleeping the day away.  no naps in two days.  for me, that's an accomplishment lately.  i have been so lethargic , it seems all i have done is sleep.  i can't say i have been very productive, in these couple of days, but i have been awake.  i hope the pain dissipates some, and the energy continues to increase.  in that order.  i need that in my life.  very soon.  with physical improvement - i'm sure i will feel better mentally and emotionally too.  at this point - all i do is breath, and hope that the rest just falls into place.  surprisingly enough, it does.  but i will admit -- it isn't very satisfying.  when life is a chore... well, it kinda begins to suck after a while.  ya know?

anyhow-- in my lazy alertness this afternoon  :))  i managed to actually 'make my rounds'.  it has been ages since i have hit every page on my blogroll in one sitting.  i am so very far behind with y'all.  i'm sorry for that.  i know y'all are sick of hearin that outta me by now.  but i have some serious guilt over it.  that and my not posting here as much as i used to -- or would like to.  i really just don't have much to say or write about.  i don't DO anything anymore.  writing about the same ole stuff gets old.  even for me.  i get sick of hearin myself .  so most days i say nothing. 

that was one thing i noticed though while i was reading blogs today.  there were several that seemed to have a common theme.  one that I mention a lot.  i thought it was just me.  all this time, i thought it was just me feeling this way... but most of the people that i felt were leaving me/ or had left me -- are feeling the same lonliness now.  the same dwindling thoughts.  the same drifting visitors.  the same emptiness or perhaps lacking, in the whole 'then' vs 'now' blogging experience.  maybe i could call them the first five.. the soul six??  :))   i don't know.  it is a handfull of folks that way back when we were on each others blogs every single day.  i honestly do not know what happened.  and for a long time, like i said i thought it was just me.  but today , most of these same people said so many similar things. 
 i have to admit that i was pretty surprised to see that they have these same feelings.  some mentioned wanting to stop blogging.  or maybe taking a break. you know, "having lost the passion" i spose. that's my term, not theirs. it just now came to me as i'm writing.  that's it i think. maybe that's what happened to me.  whenever it happened, it happened... i lost my 'true-passion' for this blog.  obviously, the embers still burn, and every now and again it flares up and rages from the ashes.  but in my heart there is something missing.

could it just be age?  the holidays- and the hum drum feelings that sometimes come with them.??
maybe i'll never know what's happened.  not with my blog (s) -- or theirs.  perhaps some line of loyalty maybe got crossed?  someones pride got hurt?  but i'm still here.  i still love these people.  through gritted teeth and a hurt heart in a couple cases-- but if i didn't care about them, i wouldn't think of them so often.  would i?  things change - people change- health changes- entire life  situations change.  i get that.  do they?  each one of the folks i speak of had had extraordinary experiences in this last year or two.  many not good, all very challenging.  many with outcomes to be thankful for.  yet i see pain and loss in their posts -- at thanksgiving. 

i guess i just want to say to them-- if i am - or was any part of this -- for you -- just remember -- you know where i live.  the door is always open. 

so when i ask what's new?  i started to think -- almost a year!  and i'm gonna start this one off right.  no guilt. no resentments. no loose ends.  no kinks in my relationships.  i'm too old for games, and nonsense.  i will not BE my diagnoses.  i will learn to live again.  i am done playing the victim, and i will survive, and i will find myself again.  i will conquer my fucking stairs, and keep my house clean, and decorated.  more action, less complaining. (did you know 'fucking ' is on spellcheck? - me either- til now)  

so-- if douglass can get his claws ripped out along with his 'somethins' in a day .. and be fine a few days later?  i think i can do this. 



it's time for change around here -- and obviously the first step starts with me.  slowly but surely -- it has already started.  but there are bigger things to come.

i hope y'all stick around with me.  cuz i'm gonna make a come-back. 

winter , i know, isn't a good time for me to set goals -- but who knows?  it may turn out to be the best timing ever!  i never tried anything aside from hiding in the winter for the last 2 decades.  anything can happen - right?


guten  nachen to you from me
sleep well

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

fuzzy wuzzy wasn't fuzzy was he

hiya folks -- it's me again.  it's hard to believe that it's only wednesday around here.  a lot has happened in the last couple days .  i've kinda thrown a bit up on facebook - and i guess a little here too.  but for the rest of the story ----

monday -- was the horrible trip to dallas for the VA endocrinologist appointment.  the worst part of that whole thing was the more than an hour wait at the pharmacy -- and then the long drive -- in the dark home ... did i mention that i can't see at night?  i never drive at night.  it was bad.  but, i survived.  i'm the type i guess, when i'm thrown into a pool, i'll swim if there's no one to save me.  i always manage to get out of a bad situation.  even if i don't think i will at first.  so yeh, i survived.  home never looked so good.

so- ya wanna know what i found out there?  wanna know if i liked the dr.?  ok. here's what happened.  apparently i was a rare case there at the dallas VA.  and it was kinda embarrassing.  i did like the dr. tho.  it was a young woman, and she was thorough and nice.  she called in, and or brought me to like four different dr's to "see" me.  well.. one in to see me - for help in treating me.  then the others to kinda show what i 'look like'.  yeh, i know.  weird.

wanna know why she  / they were so intrested?  cuz i was in 'addisons crisis.'  yeh no kiddin.  that is not a good thing.  it does explain a lot of how i've been feelin tho.  i reckon i can stop lookin for the truck that keeps runnin over me... ten times a day.  addisons disease is rare in itself-- addisons crisis-- even more rare.  some people can die in addisons crisis -- if nnot treated.

this is about the third time i have been in this bad of a crisis.  but the worst was when i was so weak i literally could not walk.  it wasn't that bad this time.  -- but i'm tellin ya - i bet if they didn't catch it now -- it wouldn't have been much longer before it did get as bad or worse than it has been - or could get..  i've barely been gettin out of bed lately.  maybe four hours in the morning-- then back down til dinner  -- up to eat -- then back down til morning. 

i had been thinking it was the iron deficiency - and thought the iron pills should kick in any time.  well they haven't done a thing.  also i been thinkin 'i'm depressed', etc etc.  well no wonder i can't move.  my blood pressure is near dead, dehydration, add the low iron etc.  and depression.  it's a wonder i haven't jumped off a bridge by now.  so-- i was glad they caught that.  they gave me a giant dose of steroids - brought up my BP...  prescribed a separate type of steroid, plus injections for emergency.  and made a follow up for next month.   sound like fun?  yeh-- me too. 

so.  that was monday.

yesterday - tuesday -- as i was gettin ready for my rhizotomy appointment--- no-- wait.  i was gettin ready monday -- it was then, that douglass decided to freakin, out of the blue - attack me!  not once, but twice !  first was in the bathroom by my closet door.  he jumped up from nowhere and grabbed hold  of my finger with his razor sharp claws!  he drew blood-- and a lot of it.  then when i walked out of there -- he was waiting for me and attacked my damn bare leg !!!  i couldn't believe it. 
within an hour - i was on the phone with the vet -- scheduling his surgery !  yep. for his declaw and neuter.  that'll teach him!  ya know i had been planning this for a while.  but i kept coming up with excuses.  but really that was the last straw.  he was getting more destructive by the day, and now he thought he was just gonna start attacking people?  not me. 
so i got that scheduled and drop off was yesterday and pick up was this morning.

hubby dropped him off at the vet and did all that stuff, then came back for me to go get the rhizotomy.  that went well, i guess.  the pain was fairly mild when i got home.  but man - when the good meds wore off?   i couldn't get enough of mine i had on hand in me.  it hurt.  i did my best to just sleep.

so- now here we are at wednesday -- douglass got picked up pretty much first thing.  he seems to be doing real well.  we keep the cat food up on a shelf in the laundry room -- so the dogs don't eat it.. so i brought it out to him, i let the dogs outside first -- and gave him some water too.  he was happy to see that.  he's just kinda chillin now. 

as for me?  that damn rhizotomy ?  all i can say is OWWWWW.  give me drugs.  this one is hurting more than the last -- but thankfully no where as bad as the first.  so hopefully it will be ok in a few days.  in the mean time, me and douglass will just gimp around for a while, and take our pills.  :))

in my world that's a lot of crap for just a couple days don't ya think? 

btw-- if you're wonderin.. i do feel more energy since the endo appt- and the boost of roids.  i just hope i don't get roid rage -- or moon face.  been there before - and it aint no fun at all, by golly

sorry i didn't have anything exciting to say - but that's life in soulland lately. 

how's life in your worlds?  any big turkey day plans?  we will of course be here - but we have travel plans for christmas :))

happy humpday folks -

Saturday, November 20, 2010

nothin like the original - is there?

i'm baaaack --


the merge worked -- only here, not there :))
so, welcome back  :))

the blog gods are against me

if y'all were here yesterday -- you would know that my other blog -- soul survivor - is still not transferred over here.  it says it still 'importing'.  but i really have no idea if it is .  i have no idea if it is 'doin anything.'  i'm so tempted to stop that process and reverse it .  i have like 1700 posts on that blog , and only like thirty here.  maybe i should have tried to merge this one with that one, and just stayed with 'soul survivor.'  why do i always go the most difficult route?  why don't i look before i leap?  call me asshat.  i had nooooo idea that it would take nearly -- or possibly more than 24 hours to do this.  i started the export- import thing around 1 pm yesterday... it's been goin ever since.  and i'm sure by now y'all know how much i love to be kept waiting :))  ugh NOT.   i am , however pleased that i am able to do other things on here while i am waiting.  has anyone ever done this before?  should i just continue to wait?  do ya think it's almost finished after all this time?  or do ya think somethin went wrong, and maybe i should try to put this blog onto the original one?  i'm stumped.  and of course afraid that i'll lose one or maybe both blogs in the process of trying to combine the two.  hurry! someone call the whaaambulance !




well.. i was gonna write more -- but i decided to just get on with my day -- and go ahead and attempt to export this blog to the other , and see which , if either works faster.  i really hope i don't lose the last three + years of my life.  if i do?  maybe it's just time to start over.  who knows .  but i reckon we shall see what happens .. sometime - in the , i hope near future.

later peeps -
i hope y'all have happy days in your worlds today !
i'll do what i can in mine :))

Friday, November 19, 2010

 
HOWDY FOLKS-
Happy friday to ya- what's happenin in your worlds? not much goin on in mine. seems like it , but at the same time, it seems not.
at the moment i am 'pen bloggin' again tho. as i am - i hope - importing my old blog into this one. a couple folks have asked to check out 'soul survivor' and i have it 'shut down' to the public.. so they haven't really had the chance to read it. aside from that, lately, i have been thinkin a lot about the whole 'blog thing'. it all used to be so important to me. like it was a part of me. if i neglected my blog - or my peeps, even for a day - i would feel guilty. not that i don't still that way, but it's a different type of guilt. and it takes a lot longer to feel it. i guess i never imagined that my 'baby' would become a 'duty'. when 'before' , it meant the world to me. if i didn't write here, i felt like i would explode. if i was away from a computer, i would write with a pen and paper, then scan it and post it . that's where 'pen blogging ' started.
i would have blog pals tell yall stuff when i couldn't blog. like if i was away, or times i was sick or in the hospital. i was in love with this entire experience. i don't know when it changed. not exactly. i do know it happened a couple times. and i know it happened during times of depression/ and mistrust. times when i felt that folks had or were betraying me. y'all know i'm bi-polar. surely that is the main reason i've had these issues. call it paranoia - call it what you want. the end result with me, is always the same-- guilt, and isolation. regardless, i can't keep hiding from my emotions.. i can't continue to hide from stuff i say on here, and move blogs whenever i think i've said to much. or not enough. or said the wrong thing. i am who i am. i have never judged any of you out there -- and some of you have similar issues. yet i feel judged a lot. so. anyways. judge me - or not. i have put many hours, tears, and a lot of laughs on these pages . years . i have helped , consoled, been helped, and been consoled. we have all laughed and cried together here. and i should not be ashamed of that. i guess that's why it has been so difficult for me to write lately. to let loose and be myself. i have felt ashamed, and somehow i have lost my sense of who i am. i have maybe done what i said i wouldn't do. and that is - i have let my diagnosis define me. i have become a mental case , in pain. and i haven't allowed myself to see anything beyond that for a very long time. i haven't allowed myself to believe that anyone else sees anything beyond that in me.
well, it's time for me to open my eyes and see that there is more than that to me. in me, and in front of me. i am not my diagnosis. it's time i stop bitchin', and get back to livin. i fell in this pit , and got way too comfortable here.
i hope the importing of 'soul survivor' works, and maybe you can get to know the 'real ' me.
yes -- there are many mood swings there too. but there is also a lot of 'Soul.'
ya know - soul was derived from 'soulmange.'. that's quite a jump. wouldn't ya say so?
maybe i just had a relapse. so, i may have mange now. but like m,y dog Midnight. she had mange every now and then, but with a little love and patience, it went away.. for a while-- and never came back quite as bad as the time before.
anyhow. i'm workin my way back. like Midnight, i won't heal overnight. i have some stuff goin on. mage takes a while to manage. i don't feel much like soul today. gimmee some time. i'll be back to the old me in no time.


oh speakin of dogs -- sorta -- my dumb dogs got in a fight last night --- over chips !!!! instigated by the el piggo - sushi. some chips got spilled out of the bag, we figured the dogs would eat em. of course sushi is first on anything that falls on the floor. eevee was in my room in her crate... finally sushi seemed to have had enough - she's just a little thing. so i called for eevee to come finish em off... soon as she came out - there goes sushi - bum rushin the chips, so eevee couldn't have any..then she has the nerve to start a fight with big ole eevee... and it was ON. i got up and 'thought' i was gonna break em up. then i guessed again. i was barefooted, and they were really goin at it. hubby came out of the kitchen and broke em up rather quickly, then i checked out sushi for any war wounds. ugh. they haven't fought like that in a long time . of course they got separated for a while. and all was fine. stupid sushi. i don't think she realizes what a little punk she is. she thinks she's rottie or somethin. -- ever since day one -

                                 see? -- dummies , on day one

 



"about an hour later"
good lawd, how long does it take to import a blog??? mine is still 'importing'. or so it says. for all i know, it's really not doing a thing. i have things to do , i can't just sit here and wait for this to download. so i spose i'll go do my stuff, and hope that a stupid cat doesn't lay on the keyboard and screw somethin up.
i have to go pick up an RX, and buy some new sheets. i think i have become sheet OCD. for some reason i like to buy sheets. some freak thing. don't know why. i just like new sheets :)) i may get some towels too. half my towels have gone missing-- or are crusty from friggin hair dye.-- speaking of OCD - my child dyes her hair - and uses a different towel every time. even though i say -- don't use a good towel! "ok".. does she listen? nooo. ugh. i better not get started on the towel thing. i have had a life-long towel issue - and it drives me crazy that when i go for a towel there is never a towel to use. even if i HIDE one-- she finds it! grrrr.
hmmm. what else will i do while out in the world??? ya know? i'm considering hittin the pond, and maybe try my luck at fishin for a little bit. it's a fairly nice day out today and it has been a while since i've fished. so yeh. just might give it a shot. wish me fish :))
oh ya know what? our stinkin dryer is broken. bummmmmmer. wednesday hubby had to use the laundry mat to dry a ton of laundry. there was no way i could carry that much wet clothes etc. so while i took the kid to school and her weekly appointment, he stayed back and washed about six loads of clothes (mostly mine OOPS ) and stuff, then had to dry them down the road -- and his favorite- fold em.) i sure was glad he could do that.
the dryer guy came yesterday -- we called sears first -- the were gonna charge over a hundred just to knock on the damn door :(( so he called another place. he came out , didn't charge anything to come out - cuz we're gonna let them fix it for a mere three fifty -- ugh, gag, choke, gasp!!! so much for gettin Douglass declawed and fixed this month. it was 311.00 to do that +neutered. i was lookin forward to that. it's always somethin tho- right?


                                           crazed douglass

 
so- anyhow... i reckon i better get UP, lest i remain on my arse for the remainder of the day. that is so easy to do sometimes. i don't like it - it just happens. sure is time to change things.
have i mentioned that tuesday - i'm havin the left side rhizotomy done? not sure if i did or not. so sory if that's a re-run. but just mentioning the sittin on my laze, made me think of it. i hope it heals fast and well. so far the last one seems to have done well. not that it cured anything. but it didn't cause any problems either.
welp folks. i'll cut ya loose for now. hopefully by the time i get back the import will have worked... i hope it doesn't mess anything up-- if it does, i hope it's an easy fix. with my luck, only God knows.
until then
ore vois :))

Thursday, November 18, 2010

somethin to waste your time on ---










below was originally an email- thought it would make for good blog fodder
seein as -- well -- it's all i got.
check back tomorrow tho.  ya never know right?

************************
Welcome to the new 2010 edition of getting to know your family and friends.. Here is what you are supposed to do, and try not to be lame and spoil the fun.
Change all the answers so that they apply to you. Then send this to a bunch of people you know, INCLUDING the person who sent it to you. 
Some of you may get this several times; that means you have lots of friends. The easiest way to do it is to hit 'forward' so you can delete and change the answers. Have fun and be truthful! 
'getting to know you'
 
1.
What color are your socks right now?
 white/pink
2.
What are you listening to right now?
the  gas fire place.
3.
What was the last thing you ate?
chicken fried steak n eggs at brunch
4.
Can you drive a stick shift?
Yippers.   prolly couldn't these days tho. 
5.
Last person you spoke to on the phone?
with a real voice :)) hubby
6.
Do you like the person who sent this to you?
Yes! i do.
7.
How old are you today
old enough to know better and too young to give a damn.
8.
What is your favorite sport to watch on tv?
if i have to? UFC
9.
What is your favorite drink?  
coffee, water, tea, OJ-with ice and salt
10.
Have you ever dyed your hair?
yup... haven't we all?
11.
Favorite food?
i don't have a favorite these days. i don't eat much anymore 
12.
What is the last movie you watched?
ugh. some damn tear jerker on netflix. me n hubby.  i forgot the name of it.
13.
Favorite day of the year?
4th of july-  our anniversary is the 1st, and nothing bad surrounds that day - so it's usually a good time :))  and it's always warm :))
14.
How do you vent?
oh lawdy-- how do i not vent?  let me count the ways ----
15.
What was your favorite toy as a child
whinnie the pooh and buzzy bee.  in my old age - i have found a pewter statue - miniature with what looks like christopher robin with pooh... and a replica of buzzy bee :)) different times and places of course- but it was like striking gold.(i'll show ya sometime)
16.
What is your favorite season?
 summer time !! I can't like the cold.
17.
Cherries or blueberries?
fresh cherries - or blueberry pie - YUM!
18.
Do you want your friends to e-mail you back?
yes- or if ya have a blog, let me know if ya post this -- good blog fodder fluffy minds like mine :))
19.
Who is the most likely to respond?
debbie -- it's on YOU :))
20.
Who is least likely to respond? 
everyone else -- nuthin like some pressure huh?  prove me wrong peeps - :))
21.
Living situation?
i live in a two-story nice house that we are buying.  and i find myself bitchin about it more than i should.  i just need some fairies to come help me straighten it up and it would all be good. 
22.
When was the last time you cried?
OMG!!! can we say clinical depression?  i cry almost every day!! i hate it!  i used to NEVER cry. really. now i can't stop. well, once i start. you know what i mean. i don't 'always' cry.  but i cry a lot. and i sooo hate it.  it makes me feel weak.-i saw my shrink the other day- she raised my meds -- was i surprised? umm nope.  i just hope it makes me stop with the blubbering.-- but hey- i didn't cry today :))
23.
What is on the floor of your closet right now? 
every-damn thing i own-- i went on a mad hunt for a calendar binder last night . -- and i wonder why my back hurts.  bleh.
24.
Who is the friend you have had the longest that you are sending this to?  
audrey (we met at age 4 and 5)
25.
What did you do last night? 
not much of anything .  after runnin errands i was whooped so from about 7pm on i was in bed 'recovering', and watchin tv til i fell asleep
26.
What are you most afraid of? 
my daughter or husband dying, or havin somethin bad awful happen to one or both of  them.
27.
Plain, cheese, or spicy hamburgers?
spicy - no cheese -- add some guacamole' or green chili to that ..
28.
Favorite dog breed?
miniature pincher, and black lab :))
29.
Favorite day of the week?
any day that i 'do' or accomplish somthin is alright with me.  add fishin-- all the better.
30.
How many states have
you lived in
got a map?  hell if i know-- more than ten i bet.
31.
Diamonds or pearls?
i don't care for either much.  i had both and both are gone now.  can't have nuthin :))
32.
What is your favorite
flower?   
i like carnations, and roses. 


what's up in y'alls world peoples?  speak to me.

Thursday, November 11, 2010

face it folks , i got nuthin to say


but as usual, i'm sure i'll come up with somethin.
y'all prolly hate me by now.  i don't post- i don't visit- i wouldn't blame ya if ya just moved on.  in a way it looks like most of y'all have.  i hope ya come back.  i do mean well.  i think about y'all every day - and i do think about writin on here every day too.  i just haven't had it in me.  i had the rhizotomy done on monday.  i've hardly been on the computer at all.  i do facebook a little on my phone, cuz it's just easy.  sittin at the desk has been impossible and the laptop , just cumbersome, til today .    and even so --

the few times i have actually attempted to write -- 
nothing blog worthy came to mind.

i've been over medicated, over sleeping, and haven't left the house since gettin home from the dr. on monday.  there's just nothin to say. 

today , i can at least report that i am recovering real well from the rhizotomy.  so much better than the last one.  prolly in the normal range of the few days that most people usually do.   and i have to say i am thrilled to be able to say that.  i don't know how well the actual results are yet, but what i do know is that i don't have that awful , burning, constant pain i had after the last time.  so, i think, and hope this one will 'take', and i will have good results, and hopefully -- this will lead me out of the depression that has been holding me hostage for the past two months. 

so much has been goin on in my head these last many weeks.  maybe i should have just written - like i used to.  ya know? just let it all out right here.  i've been feeling like i can't or shouldn't write like that anymore though. not since i moved my blog. or changed blogs or whatever ya call it.  i don't know.  you tell me.  is holding back better or worse?  to me, it's worse.  for one-- i don't feel like 'me' writing.  and i don't know really why i feel so 'protective'.  i feel boring.  i don't want my blog to bore you.  i don't want to bore you.   i also hate to whine.  i seem to do that more 'here' than the other blog too.  is it cuz i'm not sayin so much other stuff?   there were times i'd not leave the house for days at a time then too, but i'd still find things to write about.  still find ways to be funny about nothing.  now?  ugh.  i feel like i can't think straight.  sometimes i think it's cuz not many folks comment back - and it leaves me with little to go on.  but hell.  i wrote here - there- for months before i had a single person comment at all. 
i need help.  or maybe i don't.  i just need to make a commitment i reckon.  it must be the time of year.  it's just not a good time of year for me.  i'll get back on track. 

i don't like to let people down. well, who does?  i guess i mean, i don't mean- to let people down. 
i can't help the way i feel at times tho.  i know some of you understand that.  and i appreciate those of you who do.  i have a buddy out there who has been calling me quite consistently lately.  i hope she knows how much that means to me.  even though i really hate to talk on the phone.. some days that phone call is the only time i smile that day.  maybe sometimes it's the only 'conversation' i have in a day.  'YOU' are important to me -- i hope you know that.  i never take people like you for granted.  i know you know who i'm talkin about -- too bad you live so far away. the good ones always do.


in fact, she is my motivation for posting today.  i was pretty much at the point of quittin again.  oh don't say it.  i know we all get there at times.  and i've done it a time or two already.  but really.  i hate watching my blog sink like the titanic.  i hate watching folks come and go.  worst of all?  i hate wondering what - if anything - it is that i have said... that maybe crossed some sort of invisible line , that offended someone.  scared someone?  angered someone?  and if that has happened, why in the world could that person not just tell me?  i mean WTH? 

the other day - i got an email.  sounded fine.  it was from someone who -- nevermind the details-- but i will admit , i second guessed myself in responding to it.  i have my reasons, and they are valid.  this person has a way of messing with my head in certain ways , and i am gettin pretty good at having figured it out.  but--- as short as the email was -- coming and going-- that's as far as it went.  i thought my reply -- deserved a reply. ya know?  perhaps an explanation.  as it ended with a question- of sorts.  not a word since.  i wasn't surprised tho when i didn't hear back.  i didn't get angry at this person.. rather -- i kicked my own ass.  because i knew better.  some sick pleasure is gained by this person to play head games with me.  when all i want is answers.  instead -- i need to finally lock that door behind me.  and move on.  "some are sicker than others".

found that today -- suits this person perfectly.
'while you're back there'
:))

well, anyhow.. did i mention... i think i will be back to drivin and maybe even cleanin up the house a bit by tomorrow.  the last rhizotomy it was well over 4 months before i even thought of doin a thing.  aside from sittin on my ass, takin pills, sleepin, and the sort.  this time-- they suggested the other side be done in 2 weeks -- which is gettin closer to one week now-- and i'm actually considering it.  not without fear.  but i just may do it.  i need a life.  i would say 'my life'.. but in all actuality, i didn't have much of one to speak of.  maybe if i get this done -- and have a good outcome-- i can get a life.  it's really gettin to me the way things have been goin .  physically and mentally.  i don't know how to just wave a magic wand and change things.  it will take work.  spiritual, physical, mental.  all that.  i know that nothing magical is gonna just happen over night.  i know i have to work.  i have to put forth action, to get any results .   but i also know i have to do something- in order to change anything.  and i know something needs to change. soon.  perhaps i should start a 'list'.  maybe that'll be my next post? mylist of thing to - maybe do. bleh.

cuz i can't like feelin this way any more.


or this way either.



oh!  one last thing--
it's Veterans day!
blessing to those who served in any military service!
especially those who gave their life - or became disabled in any way for this great country!
THANK YOU!


Friday, November 5, 2010

Well so much for that idea

Pen boggin  (11-3-2010)

Pardon my recent absence. I have been a busy sloth lately. If not busy, then recovering from it.
right now i'm 'pen blogging' in my car,  on my i-phone note pad.. whilst i wait for my child as she is in class.  i usually go find somethin to do.. but today, i feel like utter shit, so am not leaving.  just gonna wait in the car -- for two wonderful hours.  bleh.  so, i thought i'd talk to y'all for a while.

 I finally saw the surgeon yesterday. Omg what a miserable day. From beginning to end. I won't bore you with the drawn out details. I will say tho that it was pure torture in every form - for me.
*In no particular order :

1-I had the panic i get of running late
2- that was made worse when i got in the car and

1- noticed i didn't finish filling out my paper work - 6 pages of it!  I did that in a hurry / soul chicken scratch and surely incomplete. I know i didn't list any meds. Even tho i take a dozen or more a day. and have half as many allergies.

2- then. Ugh. whilst doin the papers i noticed a totally different address there than where i was headed!  I thought WTF?! I called- still in my driveway. I have NO idea where i thought i thought i was goin but at least i got that fixed. Or so i thought.
 
SHIT!

I was in hell. All f'n day. And this was just the beginning!
3- So. I get there.  The gps said i was there. That would be the same gps that is very close to finding itself on the highway one day in the very near future!  Yep really.  just like the day i threw all my dishes in the garbage!

4- I go inside. Of course i have not a clue where the surgeons office is. I can only hope that it is in gimping distance.
Ugh. So i ask. I'm actually pleased with the girl who helps me, she's very nice. But. Unfortunately,  my 'i'm so lost' instinct was right. Not only was i not in gimping distance?  I wasn't even in the right building.
FUCK!
5- So off i go. I am already limping. havin a frickin panic attack. I hurt. i'm cold.  I want to just go home and forget about the whole damn thing.
Oh have i mentioned that it was freezin outside? AND raining? Well it was. Did i have a coat?  A hoodie? Even a flannel or a sweatshirt?  That would be a big fat no!
can we say dumbass?  I was wearing a t-shirt and jeans! 
Ready for the good news??  I found where i was sposed to be!  Yippee.  Not really. My happy was long gone by the time i got there. I was in horrible pain. Freezing. Bitchy. Tired. i wanted to cry -- but i refrained. for the moment.




ola! now that nightmare is over.. the memory is still here.
i think i got PTSD from that damn day!
but now it's it's today - it's Friday! woo hoo!

to make that long story short?  yep, i found the office -- not an easy task.  it was like 50 degrees in there-- i was soooo cold. y'all know -- i don't do cold.  my body doesn't tolerate it.  at all. i got there , signed in -- and let's not forget they make ya PAY soon as ya sign in.  that was the ONLY thing that made me stay there.  i got there at like 1100- or so... know when they called me back?  at frickin.. 1230 !!!  i was in so much pain from sittin there-- not to mention the bein so cold-- it tightens my muscles and just plain hurts -- worse than i already hurt.  and get this--- i had no pain meds on me.  none.  AND i was hungry.  everything that pisses me off or hurts me was happening.  and i felt totally helpless about all of it.  i may as well have been chained up and tortured. (in my world.)  hungry, cold, in pain, waiting, and not knowing wtf was goin on.  i finally went up and ask if i got skipped or forgot about.  she said -- oh your next. i thought -- ahhh 'next' is good.  so i gimped back to my seat.  'next-- to me?  five minutes - or so.  right?  i waited another 30 !!  gettin more and more angry and hurty.  OMG i can't even explain to you how awful i felt.  anyhow-- i did finally get called back.  i 'vent' to the nurse.  she is speechless, at my mental attack.  she did at least give me a blanket and let me lay down while i waited even longer for the fuckin dr.
wanna know what he said???  after all that waiting and pain, and crackin up???   he won't do the surgery on me.  it's not bad enough yet.  i paid him 40 bucks and half a day for that!

so.  monday the 8th i am scheduled for the rhizotomy - that apparently i shoulda just gone with in the first place.  i fear the pain of the recovery.  i pray it won't last 4 months. or be as severe as last time..  and i hope and pray that i get relief from it.  i just can't bare this pain any longer.  it's ruining my life-- and my mind. 

so-- that's all i have time for right now-- gotta get this day rollin.

hopefully next time i'll have somethin better to say.
but i got thangs to do --
i'm fixin to go to the store with my child-- then later it's a movie (due date) and a steak dinner... i found out why i been so damn tired and dead feelin lately----  'iron deficiency '.  time for a steak  :))

catch y'all later --

ps -- yes peeps -- we did get the golf cart -- it's so cute-- i haven't driven it yet -- i have really felt like crap lately-- and been busy too.

i'll try to come back to life soon.. sposed to get some rx for iron and stuff.  maybe it'll help and i won't sleep so much.  yep-- i sleep a lot lately too.  bleh.

ok gotta run
talk to me!

Friday, October 29, 2010

so guess what

you wouldn't guess in a million years.  so- i'll just tell ya.  last night - i'm chillin in my room, hubby was in the livin room, watchin football- or baseball.. whichever. two games - two home team losses.  makes not a happy soulman.  so, he was cruisin online while the games were on.  he comes across a -- are ya ready?  a golf cart!  NO! we don't golf.  never have.  mini golf. sure. don't need a cart for that tho.  anyhow -- yeh sure call us lazy -- he texts me.  don't you text folks in the next room?  admit it - you do -- at least sometimes.  ok. so he texts me.. with a photo of

THIS:


and there i am.. it's like 10 or 11 pm, i've had my meds... so -- yeh.. i'm chillin...
 i'm like .. aaaaaand???
he says -- do ya want it? 
ummmm... whyyyy would i want a golf cart?   
you could ride it up to the creek , and go fishin!
hmmm.. my wheels start turnin.  -- it is awful CUTE!  :))  then i start thinkin....  hmmm, in a year or two i won't have a drivers license -- this sure beats a bike.  besides that-- my kid walks to the park/creek a lot and i worry-- she could ride this- and i might not worry so much.  and i just keep thinkin-- it's soooo darn cute!  and it's cheap too!  cheap as a weekend away.  i just think it's a cheap- good lil investment-- that we'll actually use.  i'd be much more likely to take that around the block- or to the creek- or even the post office -- than a bike... on a nice day.  even y'all know that.  even with my kid.  i think it would be fun.  or even me n sushi!!!  can you picture that.. me n sushi cruisin the neighborhood?  hmmmm.

so anyhow-- i go ahead and and tell him.. after very little thought... sure-- i'll take it!!  
he called from work this morning to make sure i was really 'ok' with it.. not just the xanax and oh it's so cute-- talkin.  :))  i told him yeh-- i want it.  hell.. a recumbent bike i want is like 300.00 and this isn't a whole lot more.  and if my legs and neck etc don't get any better-- it will still be able to be used-- unlike a bike.  right. 

you should see the images in my mind of it all -- 'souled- up".  hahahahaha

there's another angle.
you wanna go cruisin with me dontchya!?

there's plenty of room for rods and tackle -- or sushi and even eevee.  or like i said-- my kid.. even soulman, if he wanted to go along.  yes.  go on.  call me crazy.  but hey-- i have been without a drivers license before -- only a couple months.. and even me -- the one who hates to go out-- i had my moments that it drove me nuts to not be able to go get cigs or go fishin or at least somewhere.  with this i'll have at least the opportunity to go 'somewhere'.  i think it'll be fun.

anyhow- what else can i bore ya with?  hmmmm.  i don't know.  wanna hear somethin amazing?  my kid is actually upstairs cleaning!!!!  the music that blares down the stairs is about to kill me, but the fact that she is cleaning up there is -- well, that might kill me too -- of a heart attack from disbelief or somethin.  good lawd. it's like ripping limbs off that girl to get her to clean.  really.  but well.. i'm sure i'll pay for it in the end. i don't care tho.  whatever it is she wants-- if it means a clean house -- i'll take it!!!


i have been sittin at this desk for far too long.  i can tell ya that.  i have three choices today.  i think.  i could go take care of business.  i should rather.  or i could spend the day in my warm quiet bed.  you know that is prolly what will win out.  especially now that the pain is worsening.  or i could clean up a few rooms downstairs, and maybe do some laundry.  but-- that's too easy to get out of -- cuz 'i don't feel good'.  besides that?  it's freakin freezin in here.  and i don't know why.  that was a quick damnb turn of the weather.  bleh.  it'll prolly warm up quick tho-- so i don't wanna turn on the heat or anything.  but man i wasn't expectin it to be this cold this morning.

ok y'all... i shall shut my face -- uhhhh, fingers.  and set ya free.

i'll be around later-- i owe everone a visit - i suck as a friend.  i'm so sorry.
hope you all have wonderful weekends and halloweens-- enjoy the little ones!  yours or not--
we don't get trick-or - treaters .. and it gets boring.  we have never lived anywhere that kids come to the house.  :((  either we were always takin ours out-- or others just never came when ours started goin with her friends.  bummer.  they're so cute. 
wow.. that just made me wish i had room in my garage for my car-- freakin hoodlums!
bwa hahahahahaha

happy friday!