Sunday, December 28, 2008

mughnday madness reigns in soulland







Align Right










soul angels o6 - 08
Ya oughtta see the other ones






Saturday, December 27, 2008

just lock me up somewhere would ya

does anyone want to tell me what the hell is wrong with me?? nevermind. i think i already asked.. and declined a response that time too. i already know what's wrong .. i just wish i knew wth to do about it.

anyhow--- apparently i did write a post on christmas day-- kinda sorta. it ended up in drafts. and apparently it laid there til just now. in the meantime , i began thinking that i wrote it yesterday. even told y'all i did. perhaps i may need a lobotomy? something. my mind is fried. i'm not likin it much either.
so-- if you wanna see it-- scroll on down below the last post, and you will see the christmas day post-- that really isn't very christmasee. but it's there. at least i wrote-- which means i thought about ya.

ok-- now i'm off, and back to the other post i been tryin to finish, but keep havin to go away from.
now i'm tired and ready for a nap-- i wonder if that will stop me again, cuz as we know--- it's always somethin.
i shall forge on tho -- for you. through tired eyes, and a grumpy soul, i will continue to write a very boring boring post-- just for YOU.
cuz i just am that way. don't fret-- it's a good thing.

Friday, December 26, 2008


well hell. i thought i posted this last night... apparently, i did not. it was saved to drafts. i was sleep posting when soulman came to bed and nagged me til i turned it off. i wasn't even smokin. but, my neck was twisted in a most painful position, and he knew it hurt me just by lookin at it. no tellin how long i sat there with my head laid over sideways like a rag-doll. owwwww.
so anyhow. i kept tryin to finish the post, but i kept fallin asleep, kept gettin nagged at...and finally shut down and went to sleep. which i'm sure was the best thing i coulda done. i'm sure i woulda got assy very soon if i didn't shut up when i did.

(anyways-- there's a little blabbering in the comments below.. other than that-- i reckon i will toss this up--and either work on another-- or go say hi to you folks. not sure which.. cuz as usual for lately-- i'm just tired.

in fact-- when i saw soulkid yesterday, she asked if i had a black eye! i said no, i'm just sportin the old lady bags.. you like? she didn't. poor kid carries too much. we'll get back there later.-- )

--- return to last nights babble---on----


let's see if we can get a productive post out of me this time , shall we? yes, let's. no. i am not talkin to myself -- i'm talkin to you. whoever you are. wherever you are.

so, first, i'll tell ya, i'm a little distracted at the, not by the hot christmas fairy-- but doesn't he look like somethin you'd love to find under your tree on christmas morning?? or perhaps christmas eve.. for those non morning people?? :)) i do believe he could cure anybodys grinchness. i wonder if he does dishes.

i'm actually distracted cuz i'm eatin some leftover turkey; smoked perfectly on the big green egg -- ohhh yum! it soo beats the hell out of government cheese and peanut butter. have you ever had the pleasure of government commodities? hmmmm. well, the cheese isn't bad really. get into the "meat", and ya just gotta wonder.... wth it truly is. ya know? alien liver? sheep clone brain loaf? only God knows.. but it can't possibly be legit meat. that mooed, or clucked, or any of those farm song sounds. nope it's obviously some man made goop. or maybe even man. but it aint no animal. or meat. ugh.
ok let's get movin on.

Another distraction? some sirens just stopped blaring like right outside my back yard. which, over the fence is a junior high school, and a two lane/two direction street, and a four way stop intersection. somethin is always goin on out there. the other day i was sittin here-- at my desk in my office, and heard a car wreck. first, the skidding rubber locked and burning on the road; then came the anticipatory wait... and there it was... the crunch of metal to metal when the two vehicles collided. ugh. always better than a THUD. always. especially due to where i live. one block down, about six months ago, a kid was hit and killed by a car there. the driver was only nineteen years old. the kid was stoned, the driver was not. his life will never be the same.

(speakin of cars---- note the new "2009 KIA SOUL"" -- if i could ever get out from under this car of mine i would get the soul. ugh. i think i failed to mention in my car bitch post-- i am like 7 grand upside down in my car i have now. it's sickening. i like that "soul" car -- how cool would that be?? if any one of you gets it - you have to tell me FIRST! ok?)

hmmm. that came from no where. sort of. but not really. i tend to think about that sort of stuff a lot these days. how how cheerful and holiday - ish. right? well. i'm sorry. that's just the way it is. and that's why i'm so glad that all the hoopla is over and done with, and i don't have to pretend to be happy and smiley all the time anymore.
i can go back to bein the same ole bitch i always was. people can tell me everywhere i go to "smiiile".. and i can tell them to "shoooove it". and we'll just all be on our merry way.

i gotta ask ya though before we go on... just what could be cooler than a soul car? well other than a soul car-- made by someone other than kia. feast yo eyes ballz upon this----

it's a dad-gum soul-phone !!! OMG!! i could scream like a teenage girl at a boy band concert ! a soul car AND a soul phone ! i want them both. i can't have either. but i can want all i want. and i want those.

i bet you're wondering why i'm bein such a bitch aren't ya? well, first, i don't want to tell you. but second, i can't keep not tellin ya-- and continue to blog. at least not if i want readers-- or especially "friends who happen to read here" . because just in case you haven't noticed... the writing... or in y'alls cases the reading.. i guess, has kinda gone to hell over the last few months. won't you agree? it's ok, go ahead, agree.

i think i'm ready to tell ya why that is. in case i at least think ya don't already know. i have a feelin at least one of you has figured it out by now. maybe i'm wrong, but i don't know. i just have a feeling this person knows me pretty well. and i don't have to say much for her to pick up on stuff. never know tho. but she hasn't asked, and i haven't said.

so--- if you can't tell, yes , i am stalling. -- but even i didn't notice it til just now.
what will i do about that? well, i just got me a box of cracker jacks out of my christmas stocking, and after i get over the shock of just how cheap-ass they got with the surprise inside, i guess i will get back to where i was going.

ok. where was i? ahhh yes. something has been goin on out here. something big. something hurtful, and scary. and something that i guess i never thought i would have to deal with in my life. but i suppose, that as parents, we never expect to face a lot of things when it comes to our kids. do we?

we know there will be possibilities that they might make poor decisions at times. or bring home some bad grades now and again. a daughter may get pregnant too soon, or ask for "the pill" much younger than you'd ever dreamed she might. a son, maybe he'll join the military before finishing high school. or marry too young. or even himself end up with a baby at 16 or 15.
parents do consider these things might happen. but isn't it moreso in a maybe, but not my kid, kind of way? we might have a "just in case" speech tucked away for the day our 16 year old comes home pregnant. or maybe wants to quit school.

how many of us are ever really ready to face, live with, and accept, protect, fight with, forgive, and help, a fourteen year old drug addict???? how many moms and dads -- really know what the hell to do in that situation? when you're lied to? stolen from? pushed away? yelled at? disrespected? over and over and over and over, again-- until you can't sleep at night, in fear of the kid climbing out the window? getting in a car with older kids and going too far away-- getting in trouble, getting arrested, getting killed, getting raped, getting too stoned and just flat out getting her dumb ass pregnant?? how many are truly ready to live like that? to love a person that you would just as soon punch in the face, and shoot everyone she's ever associated with in the head??? how can a parent love someone so damn much that they would kill or die for them, yet their deepest desire is to run as far away as possible to spare herself from the emotional devastation around her?? who on this earth is ever ready-- or even willing for that?
that's what i thought.

and who, is ready, to blab all of it to the world? friends. neighbors. strangers. acquaintances. anybody? i don't think anyone is.

so, that's where i'm at folks.. all you friends. neighbors. strangers, and acquaintances. and. that is why my writing, and your reading has sucked here lately. because my world has been falling apart, and i have been trying to keep it a secret. if you haven't noticed, i am not a very good liar. i am not even a very good secret keeper. or half-fiction writer. when somethin is wrong in my life that i don't want --or refuse-- to talk about... it just makes itself be known, somehow. this time, i gave serious thought to shuttin down altogether. just not write at all. but y'all know i can't do that. i wrote here for months without anyone even reading it. that's still funny to me. what's funnier is that so many people found me. and stayed. and still like me. omg, some even met me, and still like me. some are related to me and still friggin like me.

when i started this thing--- i woulda-- and i prolly did--tell ya-- the whole world was against me and i meant every bit of it. i don't feel like that today.
nope. i just feel like God's out to get me. LOL. a joke y'all. i have to keep my sense of humor. that, and write. without either, i would surely keel over. which means i need YOU too. cuz, without y'all.. i would be right back where i was before. alone. agoraphobic. in my head. not fishin, not laughin, not functioning , ole soul.

little do you know it, but y'all have made me a stronger person this passed year or two. however long it's been. i could name names, but i won't do that. i believe each one of you has added your own special ingredient to make me this new "soul". and without each of you-- i wouldn't have made it through this last year.

i have shared a lot of "this" with my very best friend in the world-- and you all know who she is-- i'm still not sayin her name. :)) and recently, i have leaked some, here and there to a couple others. when i learned of some of this stuff, i did write here about it-- but the more serious it got-- the more i shut down.. or internalized it. but, still, the majority of my friends here, don't know what's been happening. not everything. not why i may write or read--or talk----or act-- (in a sense)-- differently.

am i stalling again? i feel like i'm repeating myself. dammit. not on purpose. you know, just kinda goin around in circles. i just catch it now and then. anyhow--
i'm obviously gettin to-- or talkin about soulkid here. before school got out-- may-- april-- i don't even know anymore. it just kinda happened. while it happened it was all in slow motion. but standing here today, looking back... it seems like a flash in time. but i swear, soulman and i both have aged ten years in the last six months. and all three of us, as individuals, and as a family, have walked through hell, and got burped back up----- TWICE. and hell is still chewin this time. we're just waitin on the next big belch.

but hey, we're doin the best we can. and better than that? so is soulkid. no longer do i want to run away. soulman doesn't either. i'm pretty sure soulkid won't be runnin away either. there has been times that each of us were ready to go our own seperate ways--on more than one occasion. it's hard to stay in a situation like this---- but when it comes to the nitty gritty -- it's even harder to walk away from it.

there's been helplessness, hopelessness, argueing, fighting, threatening, everything from shouting and throwing things, to silence and the big big words like, "leave" , "divorce" , "move", and "ship her off to gramma."

she did change schools... more like, we allowed her to, at her request -- but against MY better judgement.
y'all know about the geographical change thing though right?? but-- as it happens --she seemed to have followed herself.. along with her problems... and now she is in inpatient rehab for drug treatment. along with that, comes family counseling-- not only her personal counseling, and NA meetings, etc. she attends regular schoool in there as well.

she was allowed to come home for christmas-- for a five hour pass. subtract driving time ---- i saw my daughter on christmas day for four hours. not counting the alone time she spent "doin her thang" in her room. blasting the not missed music through the walls, putting the not allowed in rehab make-up on, primpin with the hair-do, and whatever else it is she does in that place she calls home. prolly changed clothes five hundred times. :))
then she came out and actually watched a dvd with us-- that was a first, in an extremely loooong time. we felt connected. and it was good. i was happy. well, as happy as i could be under the circumstances. but, i didn't feel that disconnect--or distance-- or claustrophobia-- that has smothered me for the past several years. it was the best christmas in this house in a long time. and it had nothin to do with money, or going somewhere, it was just us, and a pretty modest gift exchange. well... the kid got a nice camera-- but that's what credit-- i mean debt-- is for-- right? the rest, she was happy with.. even tho it wasn't like some other years. me and souldad never care about our gifts.. 15 or zero-- it's about her -- she was happy-- we were happy.

i don't know, but nobody fought, nobody yelled, we all got along, we smiled and laughed and hugged, and it was a good day. it was hard to say goodbye. she didn't want me to ride in the car-- but not in a mean way-- it's a control thing... a radio thing. you know teenagers. so i stayed here. and i really didn't mind. y'all know i hate traffic, and loud music, i was fine not goin, and so was she.

------that was yesterday -----

----below is today-- and more stuff to bore you with ----
----ya may wanna take a break about now.---

today, at 3, we had a family counseling session. i kind of knew what to expect, because last sunday, we had one as well. that was our first one since she got in there. it did not go well. at all. and i will take the hit for that. just as i did today with her counselor and her. i don't really know why--- i opened my mouth-- we fought for an hour. that was sunday. then tuesday-- for visitation... again--- i opened my mouth--- we fought--- the babysitter person.. "intervened" -- we left the visit thirty minutes early. i have to say, i expected today's session to kill me.

i went hesitantly but tried very hard to not go in there defensively. i think i handled myself well. she did too. actually, so did her dad. sometimes he will try to protect, or defend one of us-- usually her :)) -- this time he didn't talk unless or until the counselor asked him to. and as far as my kid or i yelling or fighting-- it just didn't happen. maybe a couple raised voices in defense, but we each caught ourselves and backed back down.

i really did kind of know what to expect, and that was only because her counselor had told me that she was going to read me a 7 page letter she had written me. (as part of her therapy--that i will reply to--there is a format to follow) . so , for days, and part of why i was worried about christmas being tense, i've been waiting to get blasted in this "meeting".
on the way over there, i told soulman, "i bet i coulda wrote this letter, i know what she's gonna say."

and i did. i didn't get to see the letter-- she didn't have time to read all of it to me. but the part she did read-- discuss-- etc, with me/us.. was exactly-- to a T -- what i was expecting her to "talk" about. i was proud of her though the way she delivered it. and for me, the way i handled it and didn't get defensive or arguementative with her. at least i don't think i did. it went nothing like i thought it would. i guess i can't say more than that. i expected a lot of anger and blame. and although i did get that-- it wasn't in as harsh a way as i expected.

so yep. that's my life for the last chunk of 2008...

and below is a bit of sleep bloggin for ya :))

well folks-- you gotta gimmee an a for cimmeean a firtkk3klllllll

i'll be right back -- aGAIN :]

so i'm a liar-- i'm back from the store-- i did get cigs-- i finished my coffee, but i played with google images instead of posting.
aha!!! it finally stopped underlining!!! maybe that's a good sign??

anyhow--- i have an appointment i cannot be late for--- so i must get to that. i will be writing here when i get back. it may--- or may not be worth your wait. no tellin with me anymore---is there?
so anyways--
love you folks
i'll be back

soon as i find out what borsh is :))
in blog time... that's about 5pm central

latah peeps

A.M. POST BELOW........

i know. i know.
( omg-- the damn underlining is back.)

anyhow-- i have run out of cigs, right in the middle-- more like beginning -- of my smoke and choke. i woke up with TWO cigs, and that just does not work out well. so. i must run to the store-- no not really run.. i'll be driving, cuz i'm lazy that way. but i will be back in a few minutes-- and update y'all on the holiday "festivities" up in heah .

i'm a piss poor blogger, i know. my apologies.
it's a resolution. one of many actually. just gimmee a chance. i'll get better.
ugh. how many times have i said that?
well, you don't need to answer really. cuz as many times as i've said it--- is as many times as the bottom fell out of my life.
but hey-- nuthin a cig won't help.
i shall return.

Thursday, December 25, 2008

CHRISTMAS STUFF posted late-- due to stress, and a senile mind

i started this post yesterday-- i think. just never got around to puttin it up.
(but here's some more lovely possessed bold type for ya.. apparently, it'll go away when it feels like it.)

i guess after i went to the store-- i left this one on the back burner-- and started the novella -- i guess sooner or later it will be posted above this one. i just thought i'd throw this up here to give y'all something to look at while i polished up the other one. yes , and made it even longer. i should prolly just never proofread or edit my posts. i bet they would be much shorter-- and prolly better. somehow. just a guess tho. but i always have to get my paws in there, and screw it all up. just like when i open my damn mouth, and screw everything up that way too-- like just a little while ago. ugh. somebody help me. kill me? drown me? shoot me? sew my lips shut? anything?
i don't know what has come over me lately-- i just never seem to say or do the right thing to or for anyone. it's just not good.

i already forgot the name of the below painting--
but it's "soul - somethin"
and i like it.
click the blue link, if ya want, and it'll take ya to
it, and more.
the gal is real good if you like that style.
kinda high dollar though. you won't see one on my wall.

susan tower

as for the video below-- it came out in the late 80's -- a christmas song... non traditional.. and not slow and boring. it's the kinks... anyhow-- it's there if ya wanna hear it-- if not-- don't bother.

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

hamburger burgermeister

well shit wth is wrong with this thing? i don't see this happen to anyone else. the blue, and mysterious underlining, or bold text. or whatever this thing decides to do.
see that? i didn't do nuthin to make it change or be blue or none of that.

but anyhow... who cares right?

i didn't come in here to bitch about that anyways. nope, i came in here to bitch about other stuff :))

just kiddin. i hope to not bitch about nuthin. this time. i actually don't know what i'm gonna say. i sure have been havin a hard time writin lately. seems there's just really nothin goin on worth tellin the world about, ya know.

i could tell ya that i did get my thyroid nucularly scanned today. i asked what the machine was called; it's a gamma camera. hmmmm. wasn't it gamma rays that made the hulk turn into the hulk?? interesting. the machine looks a lot like an MRI kinda sorta.

it didn't take very long to do the test. the first one was all waiting. once i got in there and took the pill, i was done. so it was literally a ten second appointment. but of course there was the lovely paperwork to do first too. that's always fun...and time consuming.
then we had to go back for the actual scans at 12:30. that took a while. maybe 35-45 minutes, then it was done. but still--- we have to go back and do it all over again tomorrow. woo hoo. well, all except the pill. at least i think not. hell, i don't even remember. i think it's just for more scans. i don't even care. i just wanna know if anything's there that i need to worry about, and if not, let me move the hell on down the road. ya know ?

ya know what? i lied. i do have to bitch. at least a little.

it's true. not only mine either. all of them. every last one that i come in contact with. let's send them all away somewhere til they're 18. no, make that 21. from twelve to twenty one teenagers can just go live somewhere else. we can even give them Hawaii. turn em loose out there, with the sand and the sun and the surf and the pot and all the trouble they can find. maybe if they don't jump into an active volcano we will get them back when they aren't idiots anymore. hmmm. it's a thought.

so. i bet everyone is all ready for christmas right? groceries are bought, ready to go? presents all wrapped and under the tree? pies baked, cookies made? stockings stuffed?
oh man, i feel worse and worse with each word i write. why? cuz we are soooo not ready. nothings wrapped. no groceries are bought. no meat marinating. no stockings stuffed. no pies or cookies have been baked---or even bought.
but hey--we got the tree up !!! that's somethin, right? no?
well come help me ! hurry. cuz this is what i look like lately ---

and i'm runnin outta time....gilbert

happy almost christmas!
hope you're all ready :))

Monday, December 22, 2008

tis i, the epic blog failure --

hi folks... how's life out there in your worlds? i hope y'all are doing well, and being happy.
things here are pretty much the same as always. just truckin along. or would that be stumbling along? that's more like it i think. as we trip over a rock here and there.

today was supposed to be the day that i would have the thyroid scan done. the "t-123" thing. i forget the exact name it is. but i was to go in at 7:45 , swallow a nuclear iodine capsule, get my thyroid scanned/ then leave and go back at 2pm to get scanned again... then again, tomorrow at those same times to be scanned again. BUT, just as we were on our way out the door this morning, the doctor called and canceled. it was kinda like on the movie Balto; when the snow storm prevented the medicine from being delivered. ha. really that's what happened. he said the snow somewhere had held up the delivery of the capsules on order, so we had to cancel the appointment
and wait until he knew the med delivery time before we scheduled again. terrific. i thought it would get bumped all around for weeks, conflicting with other appointments and things; but luckily he can do it tomorrow and the next day. yes, i know, i'm not thrilled about goin in on christmas eve day myself, but after that, it's a tangled mess of other stuff. so i grabbed it. i have to be there at 645 and 1 tomorrow and the next day. how fun. oh and no coffee tomorrow. not until after the first part of the test. i hope i sleep a little later than i did today. i was up at 4 today and couldn't drink any coffee or anything, and started to get a headache by the time the doc called... you know the coffee pot got started soon as soulman knew what was happenin on the phone. it's good to be loved. :))

so anyways, i'm craving ice cream like a pregnant woman. i don't know why. and NO, i am NOT pregnant :)) . maybe a quittin smokin thing. ya think? i didn't quit yet, but i have cut waaaaay back, and am taking chantix. almost a month ago... wait-- 2 months ago-- ya, i knew thatsounded wrong. about 2 months ago, when i had the lung thing goin on, i was up to three packs of cigs a day; sometimes a little more - or maybe a hair less. since then i have tried to quit several times. only actually stopping for the longest , i would say was maybe 7 or 8 days. after that, it was hit and miss. but since i started the chantix, i'm hovering around half a pack a day. maybe less on some days.
so anyways, i want ice cream! and soulman won't go get it-- someone yell at him for me. :))

jamie's back !! i know most of you know-- but if you didn't know-- she is. same bat time, same bat channel !!! woo hoo . (that would be simonsays for some of y'all).

just thought i'd get that outta the way.

well peoples, i'm gonna try to cruise around and see ya later on. hope all is well in your worlds.
it's just peachy here in mine :))

Friday, December 19, 2008

no time for a real post -

have to get to a meeting soon--
so here's a video --

i'll write more later on; somethin i'm hijackin from gypsy... cuz i'm brain dead lately and can't think for myself.
anyone else have any writing prompts or suggestions for me? challenges? anything? really, i have no original ideas anymore.
haelpppp !

Thursday, December 18, 2008

seems i've been challenged ---

i can never refuse a challenge --

so of course, i couldn't not rise to the occasion.

here ya go--


It was the night before christmas and all through the house

The soul pets were mental, and spot ate the mouse.

Eevee and sushi were fighting like bears

While jitterbug sharpened her nails on the chair.

Soul checked on her girl, hell, she’s not in her bed

The vision of beating her flashed through her head.

She first checked the closet, the kitchen, then bath,

Only to realize the kid snuck out the back.

She slapped the cat off the chair, kicked the dogs in the teeth,

Then woke up the soulman to go find their teen.

Off to the back door, he ran out in a dash,

His facial rosacia was flaring , it looked like a mask.

The soulman was pissed as he ran out in the cold,

Yelling for soulkid to get her ass home.

Then what to his wandering eyes did appear?

It was soulkid, two friends, and detective, dick greer.

With a sideways glance at her dad, so guilty and quick,

All three of the girls ran passed him and dick.

Inside the house they ran right into soul,

She knocked each of the girls, one by one to the floor.

Don’t move, soulkid, and You, and YOU little vixen,

Tell me, now where you’ve been, or it’s your ass that I’m kickin!

The kids had been out running the streets,

They Sat at the park, they said, but soul didn’t believe.

Soulman walked in from his talk with the cop

The girls looked up and laughed at him wearing his croks!

Soulkid said “dad, I’m so sorry you know,

I just can’t be scared of you wearing croks in the snow.”

He glared down at the girls as they giggled and chirped

While he tried to look angry it just didn’t work.

There were three teenage girls laughing at his feet

He was caught in the middle, with no one to meet.

He burst out in laughter , extending a hand,

soulkid reached from the floor as he helped her to stand.

he sent all the girls to his now half grown kids’ room ,

and said to his wife “what the hell will we do?

the cop got them for curfew , but God knows what’s next,

we know that you’re cursed, now that’s got me perplexed.”

Soul looked up at the soulman, and saw in his eye,

That his little girl growing up had made the man cry.

So many years have now seemed to slip through,

Now there’s so much not done that these parents should do.

Soul lit a cigarette , the man ate some fudge,

Both watching in silence as sushi shat on the rug.

Horrible tunage blared through soulkids walls,

Right into the living room causing soul to bawl.

she was stressing, and achin, and about to crack up,

the music would kill her if it wasn’t shut off!

With a flip of his wrist, he threw open his cell,

soulman texted the kid to shut down stereo hell.

she didn’t text back , but the noise it did cease,

to the soul-parents amazement they were finally at ease.

the man locked the windows , and set the alarm,

then said goodnight to the girls, threatening bodily harm.

if they were to leave in the hours of the night,

he was hoping they knew it would be their last time.

then with a grin he backed out of the door,

no giggles or chirping sounds this time for sure.

he went to his wife and he wished her night to be well,

then he spoke into her ear, welcome dear to teen hell.

BMB 12-17-08