Saturday, June 28, 2008

just checkin in

Hi y’all,

I don’t know how to start this post. Except to just start it. I have to say that I don’t really even want to be writing in the first place – right now at least. I just feel that I should. I keep seein you all stop by, or email me, some have messaged, or even called me. Ya know, I am so not used to this.

You give me the time and space I need right now, but at the same time, you let me know that you’re still here. And I feel really bad that I haven’t done the same for you.

I know y’all know that I am not in a good frame of mind right now. I don’t think I need to explain any further than that. And I don’t want to . What is happening right now, well there is no explaining it. I can only say that I am working hard to get it taken care of. I don’t think much can be done, aside from a little time, and patience, and some medication adjusting. Soon, I’ll be the ole soul I was a couple weeks ago. But for now, I think I just need to keep my yap shut for a little bit longer until I can get some things put together.

My mouth has really done a lot of damage lately. There’s a lot unsaid in that statement,but, some things are better left unsaid.

Anyhow—I think of all of you all the time. And I miss y’all like crazy. And I’ll be back soon. I do miss writing, and talking to everyone, and reading about your days , and stuff. I just think I should take a little bit more time. I hope you understand that.

My brother in law came to visit for the weekend today—we’re gonna take him fishin tomorrow at lake Benbrook.. or b—something.. there’s a couple B-lakes out here. But anyhow .. he and I have been havin a little fishin competition goin for years – he got in the lead last year at lake fork, so I have to try to take back the trophy tomorrow-- if I do I’ll put up a pic or two. Who knows, maybe I’ll get ole walter out there eh? He’s somewhere...waitin for me.

Welp – I better get to bed.

I hope you all are happy in your worlds ----

I’m workin on it.

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

life interrupted

i'll still cruise around..etc.. but i got nuthin left to say here... for now.....
if i don't have your email-- send it to me, and i will let ya know when i update-- if i update--
i just may be done with this thing--
i don't know.

i don't know anything right now--

here's my email if you don't have it-- if you want it-- whatever-

Monday, June 23, 2008

more too early incoherant babble


i found it while googling images for a sloth pic.... how lucky could i get ????

same thing happened once lookin for a soul photo-- i found a hat-- AND a hoodie that said SOUL SURVIVOR!!! did i buy them? why, yes, yes i DID. am i gonna buy this one? oh hell YA!! well.. unless someone wants to buy it for me?? :))

WELL SHIT !!! i'm typin in this friggin little box thingy-- and it won't let me get rid of it -- so i spose we're all stuck with it-- cuz i don't feel like messin with it anymore.

sooooo-- no, this wasn't what i was gonna post about-- just thought i'd show ya. cuz i think it's waaaay cool. some-a y'all just don't know how long i've been "a soul sloth" :)) it's just too funny to stumble on some of the stuff i find sometimes.

anyhow-- i don't even remember now what i WAS gonna post about. oh yes i do-- the fact that i just can't sleep for nuthin. WTF ??

it sooo messes with my head sometimes. it really does. and what makes it worse this last few days??? it's really my own damn fault. how? you may be wondering. well.. i allowed myself to run out of sleep- slash- anti anxiety meds. i know-- that was really a stupid move. a VERY stupid M-O-V-E .
but-- to defend myself-- i used to keep my meds by my bed-- and it was easy to know when i was runnin low--- BUT this past month or two-- or so-- i began to lock all my meds up--- in a case with a combo-lock... and well... it's just a pain in the ass to get into it--unless i need to refill the small case i carry in my purse. even then, it is, so i wait til i HAVE to get in there. well.. a few days ago-- i realized i was OUT.. totally.. of these most necessary meds. :(( and altho i sleep poorly anyways---- i haven't slept more than three hours per night in three or four nights. and days have been more than rough with the anxiety thing. why am i telling you all of this? i do not know. i guess cuz this is where i dump what's on my mind ... and right now-- lack of sleep-- and bein stupid is what's on my mind.
so anyways-- not only did i find that i was out of that med-- but very close to runnin out of two other ones that i take EVERY day. goo-lawd. someone really needs to slap me around a bit.
and as for the sleep issue? anybody recall me talkin about the "muscle-relaxer from Hell" ???/ well... i assumed--- that i could substitute THAT for a sleep med--until i could get the xanax refilled-- cuz wouldn't ya know-- i AM me-- and i had NO refills left-- UGH.... you know how that works-- ..... soooo--- the pill that has , in the past, left me comatose--- the entire following day after taking it??? has basically done NADA for me lately. well aside from what it is designed for-- less pain for several hours-- that's good i spose. but sleep? nope. even last night-- i was sooo tired.. i took a whole one at 9 ish-- nuthin...... 10 ish i took a half..... 1130-12 ish-- soulman comes to bed-- surprised that i'm still awake--- he rubs my head for half an hour ,,,, then he's asleep--- somewhere --sometime-- i fell asleep-- but i woke up at 2 a.m. on the dot. the bright red angry looking 2:00 A.M. staring at me from the clock radio as i laid there hoping i would be able to get back to sleep------did i?? nooooo.
will i?? perhaps.. maybe around noon.... usually food is my worst enemy in the daytime.. eat lunch fall asleep--whether i want to or not. i think i'm allergic to lunch.

so anyhow... can't tell ya wth is UP with my mind lately-- but it must look sumthin like this :

while my body is more like THIS :

and the "communication" between the two ?

which leaves me wondering...
why can't MY "self talk" be more like THIS -

aaaand-- on that note i think i shall STFU--
and leave y'all with this ---- :))

have happy days in your worlds today !!!

Sunday, June 22, 2008

where in the hell has my muscle tone gone???

too bad today wasn't a tournament day !
i'da had a limit -- five fish.
nice fish too-
wanna see??

well -- have a look anyhow --


is for the few folks who have asked

" just what do you see when you look down a fish throat?"

well , THIS is what you see --

it's an upside down view - but that's whatcha see .
cool huh ?

next --

me - and a fish

aaaaand :

me -

with -

another fish

and this would be mois -
tonguin me a big ole bass :))

hope y'all are havin happy days in your worlds today !

Saturday, June 21, 2008

sometimes, there's just no words left to say

the sun is up--- and i am outta heah -- no boat, as planned, cuz soulman didn't get any sleep either.
maybe he'll come to the pond when he wakes up.

hope you all have happy days today---

Friday, June 20, 2008

guess what???

soul kid passed the test today !!!

with an 88 %

yep-- i know- why was she there?
that- i don't know.





PS: are y'all missin the biker bar post ?? below this mornins post ?? or just not talkin on it?
just wondered.. cuz if ya missed it -- ya might wanna look at it. it's a repost from last year.

floundering friday

mornin folks--

what's goin on in your worlds ?? i have been tryin to keep up-- not doin a very good job-- but i've tried.

seems i have been tryin to keep up here too-- and haven't really done a very good job here either.
at least not as far as the type of posts i like to write. as far as it goes for "me".. if i write what i can, whether it's positive - or negative-- it seems to allow me to see how i am really feeling, and what i need to do about it. but at the same time, if i see a pattern of negativity-- aside from feeling bad for it-- for ya'll-- i also am able to see where i need to change things ; within myself -- or ,my surroundings. ya know. so either way-- if i'm a crybaby-- or a nutcase-- if it's in writing.. rather than wrapped around my already incoherent thoughts... it makes it easier for me to put things together if i see it in writing-- outside of myself.
does that make any sense at all to you??? sometimes i wonder if i am the only one who understands me. then again, once in a while, someone gets it.

so anyhow-- this passed few days--- more likely-- passed few weeks -- i really have been an emotional , and mental -- oh hell -- let's throw in physical -- train wreck. i know a lot of you have seen that. yesterday i think it all came to a head. i guess i would say i "hit bottom".
i got to the point where i had NOWHERE left to turn, but to God. and ya know-- to be honest-- me and God haven't had a talk in quite some time. i'm not sure he liked what i had to say to Him ... but i think he understood, and even though i thought He was gonna be quite angry with me... i don't think He was.

because.... the day turned out to end on a fairly good note. for what seems to be a first-- in quite some time. i won't say perfect. but i will say better than most in recent passed.

such as-- the neuro appointment-- i actually ended up with a diagnosis for my neck pain. this has been going on since like last October. at least the severe pain has. i do have fybromyalgia-- so i have had pain there for years.. but last october , i backed into a concrete pole base in a parking lot-- and afterwards, i began to have many new symptoms , of pain etc, in my neck, back, legs, etc. even my eyes. since then, i had seen several docs.. from pain management - to neuro- to - you name it-- then after i had the seizure-- i saw this neuro doc-- who is actually turning out to be the most thorough understanding doc that i have seen in YEARS.

soooo.... what he found on my last exam-- yes-- a real physical exam, that he did last time.. the first doc to actually touch my back or neck in years-- (rather than tell me it's all in my head, and to se a counselor!) UGH... he went over all of it-- and told ,me i have what's called cervical dystonia. (i think). i may have mentioned i would be getting botox injections soon for pain.. but i really wasn't sure what for-- well , that's what for. a real friggin diagnosis... not stress.. not in my head... just as i have been telling these motherfuckin people for what seems like years!
AND he has also had no problem giving me real live pain meds-- rather than telling me to take tylnol--or asperin-- already knowing that aspirin can friggin kill me! (cuz it can cause my ulcers to bleed-- bad, )

anyhow-- that was good.... for me.. and i will say it relieved a lot of stress and depression for me. although a lot of my depression is about some other things that are going on.. the pain really doesn't help-- such as the neck and shoulder pain, and near daily headaches/migraines etc.. which the botox should help. that hope is really something to hold onto ya know. daily pain really can depress a person, and almost make a person nutty. not to mention when so much else is goin on.

so anyhow-- to change the subject-- that i am really gettin lost in anyhow-- you know that happens-- sorry-- senile

soulkid took her test yesterday to see if she can get out of summer school-- i really hope she passed. she said she felt she did. say a prayer peeps. i thought the test was today-- it was yesterday. i can't keep a damn thing straight ya know. but ya-- i'll know by 10 am today... and i shall let ya know. i think i feel pretty confident-- i hope i hope i hope she did it!!!

i do have an appointment today-- at 1030-- the one i thought was the other day-- geesh. this is with a calendar people. wth??? maybe someday i'll get it together. at least i can hope so. right?

well.. it's time to wake my child--- and get started on my day-- i spose i shall do some cruisin around when i get back from z doctah.

happy FRIDAY peoples!!!!

Thursday, June 19, 2008

a walk down memory lane -----

hey peoples--

i was just siftin through older posts on here-- and look what i found...
i have mentioned re-posting this a couple times , but never got around to lookin for it-- it is one of my older posts that i didn't dump when i deleted most of this blog. i saved many that i felt "safe" - or maybe sentimental enough about to stay. this is one of them. i'm glad i kept it.
as i was readin the comments i couldn't help but chuckle--and God knows i needed a chuckle. sleep bloggin-- geesh. :)) smocha was oldy back then. good times.
EE-- sorry i never replied !! let's GO-- we can rent a harley !

so anyhow -- take a step-- or two, back in time with me--

i know-- a re-run for some- but hot off the presses for others :))

Saturday, September 1, 2007

The Biker Bar

how i get myself into these things, i will just nevah know. but here i am, writing a story, basically on the fly. why? well, because i happened to mention a biker bar, and a couple of people thought it might be a interesting story to hear more about. so... i have been pondering how to tell this story in a creative and interesting way... but i am comin up empty... so, i figured, i will just sit here and write; until something comes together.
Y'all gotta realize... this happened like 19 years ago. and with a memory like mine, that's a long ways to go back... but i will try.

here we go......

picture it, Sicily, 1937...oh crap, wait... that was The golden Girls.

ok, picture this; San Diego, 1987. young Soul, a partyin fool back in the day. (key word "fool" here.) anyways, yes, good ole San Diego, California. A lot happened in the few years i spent there. but most of it , i shall save for other times such as this. ok. back to the biker bar:

i was a 21 year old, US NAVY gal. that alone is not that great of a combination, but add a few sun filled summer days, friends, and SOUL, into the mix... and what do ya get? a first and last trip to a san diego biker bar.

it didn't have to be a weekend for me to drink... or to drink to excess , for that matter. especially now that i was of legal drinking age. not that that had ever stopped me before, just seemed to have become more combustible, when i could get into bars without looking guilty.
so, this could have been a monday, or a friday, or a holiday , or a work day, or any day... but i was sitting at my house. it was actually a one bedroom apartment, in Imperial Beach; i lived alone. no pets, no people, just me, and i liked it that way. although, i did attempt a bird...til it bit me after it escaped from his cage. after that... i had no pets. well, until i attempted a guinea pig.... then i realized it smelled simply horrid...and i took it back to the pet store...with some made up story...that i had bought it for my nephew and he couldn't keep it. i was not home enough to have a cat or a dog at that time. so those were the extent of my pets at that time.

so ya, i lived alone, in a small apartment not far from the beach. i worked hard, i played hard, and i drank hard. so, when anyone wanted someone to go drink with...they knew where to find me.... if i wasn't at work... i was most likely home drinking. or out drinking. but if i was out drinking...i was with them, so they probably weren't looking for me.

but, this one night... feels like October, for some reason. but i don't think it was... i think that's my memory mixing two stories...with he same friend, and the same biker jacket. but i'll prolly never get that one straight. sooo... i am actually thinking it was warmer than october on this particular night. when the phone rang. there i was, kicked back with a beer in one hand and a cigarette in the other... i only remember this because... that was my permanent resting position while at home. well...most of the time.

so... there i am, the phone rings...i do believe that this was back in the day before cordless phones too. so i had to actually get up off me arse to get the phone. when i did so... it was my bestest friend. her name was cindy... and boy do i have some stories about her..and me..sailor sistahs. geesh. it was the best of times , it was the worst of times. ya know what? i have never read that book in my life... but i have heard that line a million times... and it describes san diego, and my friend and i to a T. but that's all for another day. or two.

so, i get up, something i didn't want to do at the time. i do remember it was sorta late, dark at least, and i already had a good buzz-on goin. but i answer the phone, and it's my bud, cindy. (sailor sistahs... that just ht me a minute ago, after all these years.... too little too late i reckon). but there she is...
she says.... hey let's go out.
i say where to?
she says to this bar i just found out's a biker bar!
i say...ummm... a biker bar???? why a biker bar?
she says, cuz mark wants to go and i think it'll be cool, so come meet us.
i say... hmmmm... i don't think i want to go to a "biker bar". (you know... i was a drunken sailor...already boozin it in a biker bar? drunk? this could be trouble.)
but she himmed and i hawed... and in the end.... i ended up in freakin Coronado, in a damn biker bar.

it may have been between the two..I.B and Coronado..hell i don't know, but it wasn't very far from my i got sucked in. with her himming ya know.. and seein as my hawing didn't help sway her to a more familiar , comfortable drinking establishment....there we were. leather jackets and all... checkin out this fantabulous biker bar. that actually looked like a straw roofed outdoor bar on a beach in tahiti or somethin. only with walls of course.... and a jukebox. and us. ugh boy.

so i wasn't feelin real good about going there in the first place, but it got even worse once we were there. it was like we had reached the point of no return. we were in a real live biker bar. how cool is that? the smell of leather and beer filled the room, loud music, loud men, pool tables.... and us... drinkin it up. losin our virginity to the other side. OF LIFE...NOT the bikers!!!

so, we were maybe on our second or third beer...which, actually didn't take us long to get to, so we hadn't been there for a real long time... there we were finally beginning to relax, and enjoy the place, the atmosphere etc.

ahhh hey cin this isn't sooo bad. i thought it would be a lot worse. ( i say)
she says...see i told ya.
mark, her boyfriend, by the way, chickened out, and we were there alone. just us.

cheers, my friend!

when all of the sudden....YELLIN and CRASH!!!! and people started rushing all over to one side of the bar... the side AWAY from the bar counter. everyone except two extremely drunken individuals....who, if you haven't figured it out yet... were in a bar fight. well duh... we were in a biker bar. but my fear had come true... my first thought earlier in the night when biker bar was first mentioned, was the reputation they had for fights, and knives, and that type of stuff that i was not quite acclimated to. yet there it was, and there i was, and there she was....

she thought it was the coolest thing ever...i on the other hand, just wanted to get the hell out of there... alive and without hand cuffs or gaping wounds.

still... it was like the train wreck thing.... don't wanna see it, but can't help but to watch. so we got as far away from the fight itself, where we could still see what was happening... and one guy takes a beer bottle, smashes it across the other guys face... and it broke !!! on this dudes freakin face....and it just started gushing blood everywhere. i was quite glad that it was dimly lit, because i really didn't want to see it in full lighting. but in my own juvenile way, i was disappointed that we didn't see ALL the blood. but that was about all we needed to see... that and the knife that the cut guy pulled out.... we booked on out of there.

she remained fascinated with the biker scene... i however did not. i gave her the black leather biker jacket that i had... a gift from one of those two dates, and "i love you" type things. he got kicked to the curb rather quickly if i might add. so i had no need for the jacket... no motorcycle to ride on... a nice fat muffler burn though... and...i had NO plans to ever go to a biker bar again. so i gave her the jacket. she became the biker babe wannabe.... and i learned to trust my instincts just a little more.

i have yet to return to a biker bar. btw.

if it doesn't feel right.... it aint.



Josie Two Shoes said...

I've done a little time in biker bars, Soul, and you've definitely captured the warm feeling of "hospitality"! To say the least, it was an adventure that you can think back on and smile at now. :-) Who would of thought our well-mannered, home-bodied little Soul Sis was once a hard partyin' gal! Ahh, the secrets we find out here in blogland! hehehe BTW, this was very well written story, and a fun read, you need to do more writin' Soul Sis!

12:50 AM, September 02, 2007

SOUL: said...

what are you doin up so late? personally i am two minutes away from strangulation, and soulman is asleep. i must get off this thing. lest i die...or post a comment somewhere that i wont remember an regret in the morning.
and yep... many stories behind this blogger. but hey... i got soul. better... i AM soul.
and tired as a beat pup.
c ya in z mo'nin ss

crap.. i just fell asleep in mid sentence... i better get to bed.

1:10 AM, September 02, 2007

JYankee said...

yeah really my geckoh crackah sloth sistah! geez... see what happens when sloths wander outta their territory? sloth meaning the position you like... sitting on the in one hand...ciggy in the other...(tho i never saw a sloth that smoked...well that's another story...)...HA cool...yeah i have NEVER been in a biker bar... mine just took place in a PUB for god sakes! that was cool and you told it perfectly... no worries there mate!

1:29 AM, September 02, 2007

simonsays said...

Back in the day...and I mean way back in the day...when I was living in phoenix, i hung out regularly at a biker/cowboy bar. Yes, I know that combination was strange, but it worked...they got along...until about midnight every friday and saturday...then they would fight. It often got ugly, and because I was underage, I always had to get the hell out of there, but they would go back each and every weekend, and they would all get along until the drinks would flow too was funny. And I had a blast there. Ah yes, the good old days....

5:23 AM, September 02, 2007

simonsays said...

Great post, BTW. Some day we will all have to swap stories....

Now get to bed....


5:23 AM, September 02, 2007

SOUL: said...

well hi all
glad it was a smooth end product. :)0

yep, those were the good ole days..

yank..i did sleep.. but by lloks of time stamps i see...apparently, not much.

jamie.. they oughtta call us thelma and louise! ha
where are you btw... sign on!

6:12 AM, September 02, 2007


I think you're my mom-
and your story was I am with my coffee, Ben crawling around on the floor beneath me, Bigdogg sitting to my left watching ESPN highlights on his boob tube, and I'm lmao!!

Happy SUNDAY!!
we're having a last minute bbq 35people so far..wanna come? I think I already asked ya, right? damn darvocets. :)

7:43 AM, September 02, 2007

Oldy said...

ahh the good old that was good story.

see i told you, you are a writer.
get to writin' a book.

i can't believe you had nothing to say about my shocking blog post!
how rude!!

7:59 AM, September 02, 2007

Josie Two Shoes said...

A cowboy/biker bar? What a combination! I can't even imagine!

11:40 AM, September 02, 2007

SOUL: said...

crusty..... your mom? how so? first your gramma, now your mom. hmmmm. in a good way i hope???

you gave me quite a visual of your read here... you need to write too. get on it. did invite me to your giant BBQ... sorry i couldn't make it. how was it??? hope you had FUN FUN FUN ! and i hope your tooth didnt ruin it all for you. (liquid lunch)???

lemmeeee know

9:15 PM, September 02, 2007

SOUL: said...

OLDY.. i can't write a book.... obviously. or it would be written by now. or maybe the time just hasn't come yet? remember the tellin a story backwards thing? maybe i have to wait til it has an end, before i can figure out how to start it??? maybe someday. when, after, before, if, you know the drill.
(i didn't have anything to say on your post, cuz you never say anything back to me, and it gets old talkin to myself.) but for the record... why didn't you leave? i don't think i would have been able to just watch that like that. i must really be a prude.

anyhow... yes, a shocking story of your own.

IF ANYONE wants to see oldys boat porn post...go see it on her page.
(no, not HER.. some true "pleasure boaters".

9:20 PM, September 02, 2007

SOUL: said...

ya jos...
what a combo...
cowboys, bikers and an underage JAMIE! LOL

9:21 PM, September 02, 2007

Josie Two Shoes said...

LOL at Oldy's porn post - I figure if somebody wants to put on a show in public, it's there for the watchin, hand over the binoculars! LOL

10:40 AM, September 03, 2007

Portia said...

you tell a helluva story! i could totally picture it...or maybe it took me back to whatever movie i last saw a biker bar in, cause i've been in some crazy places but i honestly don't think i've set foot in a GENUINE biker bar. i imagine the fights are a lot more exciting than most others;)

2:54 PM, September 04, 2007

EE said...

I've been to many a bar, but never a biker bar. I would, however, make an exception, if you would go with me.
I wouldn't mind seeing a real live biker fight...though I'd probably pass out from the blood:o

10:05 PM, September 04, 2007


big bad storm is on the move--
black sky--
high winds
and lightening

time to shut this puppy down...

i'll be back when normal weather resumes.

happy thursday peeps-

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

still playin catchup

ever feel like the photo above? i sure do. like right now. y'all should see my ever growing list these days. i'm fixin ta add "see counselor to relieve guilt" to the top.

goo-lawd. i am accomplishing nuthing lately. i read my comments, or begin to visit y'alls pages this passed couple days-- and i get nowhere. at what seems the most important time, that i should be hittin every single one.

i walk into my kitchen.. and turn right back around to leave-- at a time where it looks THE worst it has since we've moved into this house.

hubby and soulkid complain that we have nuthin here to eat or drink-- daily for almost a week... yet i cannot force myself to get to the store.

my list is more a list of things undone-- than a list of things to do.
it's killin me.

i need to hire a crew to help me.

a couple maids,
a secretary,
a shopper,
a handyman,
a car-washer
a chef,
a vacation preparer people,
a accountant,

what else?

i don't know-- but it's been like i am paralyzed lately.

i did manage to get all my bills paid the other day-- but even that took me like three or four days to finish. how crazy. the first couple times i sat down to do it , i fell asleep ! finally finished tho.
but that's about all i can say i have accomplished -- in like a week.
aside from that-- i have fished, slept, spent way too much money on prepared food, and, cried in my non-existent beer.

soooo -- today is the day that i must get off me arse and accomplish my crap.
i also have to go have labs done. which really isn't a good day for that. it's at 1030-- so it will kinda split my errands right in half. but i figure if i clean my kitchen before i leave for that-- then grocery shop on the way home-- if i am too exhausted for anything else by then, at least i've knocked out the two biggies -- and soulman can cook dinner -- and then tomorrow i'll wrap the rest of my stuff around yet another appointment..

CRAP-- is today wednesday???

see how messed up i am??
i don't have an appointment til TOMORROW!!
and here i am.. nursing one cup of cold coffee that i thought i wasn't even supposed to have!!

well.. THAT changes everything! :))this is one time that i'm glad to be senile.. i just may accomplish more than i thought--- first? a second cuppa coffee :))

you know you wanna be ME! :))

well anyhow-- i guess on that note-- i shall get busy-- now i at least know i will get around to y'alls pages today. and that makes me feel HEAPS betttah!!!!!

(note i didn't take the links down-- that's just kind of a dumb idea)

so anyhow-- i'll cruise around later as i take smoke breaks between chores... i really gotta get this house in order today.. and shop and all that stuff.

hope you all have happy days out there---

things are settlin down ovah heah----

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

happy pill? umm.. i mean, fish pic anybody???

sorry folks-- i just can't resist--
AC needs fish !!!

tough love

howdy folks----

thanks for all y'all said yesterday. your comments really got me thinking. not in a bad way. well, not in a bad way about y'all , i should say. it of course made me feel a bit foolish about myself. a couple of you sounded a bit harsh. maybe you wanted to-- maybe you didn't .. but either way-- you said what i needed to hear. too bad i didn't say somethin like this BEFORE i deleted almost a year worth of my blog. damn. ya know, it;'s not so much the blog entries that i miss... but the comments. when i began this blog-- i was soooo a different person. mostly anyhow. i think the me that you know , was in here somewhere-- just asleep in there. ya know. but by writing, and eventually finding y'all.. or actually, many of y'all finding me... i woke up. i realized that i was still in there. that i wasn't just a shell of myself.. or at least i didn't have to remain that way. and i didn't want to.

i know that many of you are fairly new here , and many even came after i dumped (most of ) my blog-- and i know some of you have read from at least close to the very beginning. but either way-- ALL of you have helped me in ways that you couldn't even begin to imagine. in ways, each of you have made me laugh, or smile, or get out of the house, or do whatever it may have been at the time.. that before i wrote here-- i would have prolly never done before. y'all made it be ok for me to be ok with myself when i didn't feel well. and you made it ok for me to try new things when i did feel well. you motivated me when i didn't think i could crawl one more inch. and you let me know that it was ok to take a nap if my body said i had to have one--- that it didn't mean i was a bad or worthless person. when before-- if i napped, or couldn't get motivated, i felt like i was a waste of human breath-- or flat out lazy. rather than--- just a little sick. and that it was ok. y'all made it ok, for me to be the person i am. on any given day. and yes , some days are better than others-- just do what i can on whatever day i can do it on. don't overdo it on days i can't or shouldn't. and don't feel guilty for not bein the healthiest of healthy. that was a huge start to get me where i am. these days-- i can't believe that i go fishing alone-- much less even sometimes, will check the mail on the street!

for the first time in many many years i felt understood. i felt accepted. and it was amazing. it was life altering, for me. nothing happened overnight... yes i faltered back and forth in my trust level. and that part really hasn't changed. but then again , trusting people has never been one of my strong suits anyhow.

but ya know.. y'all are right.. this blog isn't a popularity contest.. and i really can take or leave people if i choose. this is my blog, and i didn't start it to make friends. although, i have. i really really care about so many of you. in the beginning, i had NO idea that could even happen here. much less that it ever would. i do take it too seriously sometimes. obviously that needs to change. and it will.

i think i will start by removing my links list-- it's there for me and my horrible memory-- no other reason. it's not there to show how many pages i go to. so don't take it personally when you don't see your page listed.. i'm still readin.. and you'll still see me... if someone is lookin for a page you go to from here -- just ask, i'll give you the link.

so anyhow--- i got up too early and am losing my train of thought as alarm hell begins ... so i will take that as my cue to shut up.

thanks for puttin up with me in times of mass confusion.

and just to clear somethin up-- you'll still see fish pics and picture posts-- cuz that's just what i do sometimes-- i always have-- it's when it's all you see for a week, is when you might begin to worry. k?

anyhow-- you all really do ROCK... you are awesome... and don't take anything i said yesterday personally-- i'm pretty sure most of the peeps that "offended me" to that point, don't really come around much anymore-- if at all. so it's all good. i just still have a bit of a resentment-- and it is mainly towards myself. for screwin up my blog.. among some recent crap here.

but-- it'll pass.. i hope .

anyhow-- thanks y'all...

and happy tuesday!

Monday, June 16, 2008

oops ..... i did it again -

hi folks---

(first off -- i ended up with my "reply" in the comment box below, being a small post -- yet again, cuz well -- y'all know --- i can't shut up sometimes. )

but anyhow--- i've been thinkin... about my posts lately. they kinda suck don't they. that's a statement really. not so much a question. you can agree or not. but i know they do.

that isn't so much what i've been thinkin about-- but what my thoughts brought me too. ya know? i mean.... i have had so much happen here over the last few weeks that my head is going to expload, or fly clean off my shoulders. it just can't possibly hold much much more.

i used to come in here and just write whatever i had on my mind. this was where i wrote anything and everything i had on my mind. it didn't matter to me whether it was politically correct or not. i didn't care if it was offensive or not. i cussed, i talked about God, and politics, and sex, and my daughter, whether she was a brat or an angel at the time, i talked about my husband whether he was an ass or prince charming. i had no problem mentioning the fact that i have more than physical problems. i dumped my guts here-- and that is where they stayed.

then one day--- i felt judged, and i felt condemned, and less than --- because people started to say i cussed to much. even a family member-- no one any of you know-- but she said, she didn't like to read here because of language. --- so what did i do? i began to censor myself .

i would get comments about how to discipline my child --- from people who raised their kids in the age of
' spare the rod spoil the child" -- well i do know that's true-- trust me.. but i have more than one reason that i dont hit my kid. but one of them is that she was raised in the age of spare the rod-- or your ass will be hauled off to jail, and your child will be hauled off to foster care.
would beatin her ass have worked better than time out, or arguing? hell ya it would have. you just can't do that these days.
but trust me... kids are different when raised after like 1990... in my opinion... just look around.
it's not just me who has these problems. even y'all who did raise kids you could hit through age 13 and 14-- the hell years-- they still made made you wonder where YOU went wrong.
BUT what did i do here???
well -- what do i TRY to do? oh hell... do my best to only write the good stuff.. sift out the best of the worst . not to try to make her look good..... but at least don't make her look bad. cuz she isn't bad. she's 14.

then someone commented that "you might be crazy" hmmph i didnt know how to take that. i didn't know if it was a joke -- or serious. just didn't know .

but , ya know-- my world here is very small... my world is right there-- me, soulman and soulkid-- and of course there's smocha and jamie. and that my friends is my world. i can't a whole lot about jamie and smocha... their stuff isn't mine to write about-- unless i write about a visit.
sooooo... when i feel i have to censor my language, try not to complain, have the perfect marriage, and the coolest kid in town... well...
when the shit hits the fan... guess what peeps---y'all get left with fish pix, and photo posts.

and i get left with well... i don't know. a lot of crap in my head, and a blog that has about 500 deleted pages. and a whole lot more i never wrote - or write--because "someone " might be offended" -- or judge me.

and ya know--- that really kinda upsets me. not in an angry way. it's just that -- well... i don't know. i spose it's just that i get judged enough as it is. i don't need to hear it here too.

so--- enough of that
whatever the hell THAT was---

yesterday for daddy day--- we got soulman a fishin lure he's wanted for a long time, but would never buy himself.
then we went to IHOP
then to cabelas
then came home
and chilled
i took a nap-- cuz i was runnin on like 3 and a half of sleep--and gettin quite bitchy
then i woke up and we -----ok he-- smoked chicken on the egg
then we chilled some more---each doin our own thing
then it was bed time.

no fishin yesterday-- soulkid hates to fush and souldad wanted to be with her-- besides that it was 100 + degress. ugh. texas hell here lately.

but-- here is a little fishy i caught the other day
saturday-- at a pond i never been to-
a place where there is like 4 ponds-
a nature center-
i fished this small one while hubby tied his rigs on.

he said "there's no fish in that one-- hahahahah
i caught two !
here's one
small- but i got him.

(you can click to make it bigger- i just didn't want it big on here)

so anyhow---

hope you all have happpy days in your worlds today
i'm workin on it-

Sunday, June 15, 2008

here i am.. still breathin

hi folks---

just thought i better get somethin up here before someone sends the cops to my door to check on me-
i'm alive. i would say that i've been busy-- but that isn't entirely true.
but i have been "somethin" i just don't know what to call it.

perhaps it would be
thinkin about stuff??

or maybe being too confused to bother thinking --
about anything-

or maybe --
i'm just on the verge of
getting off this roller coaster ride -

and just make a decision--
even if it's just a decision ,
to make a damn decision.

cuz ----

and, aside from that---