Thursday, January 31, 2008

i suppose i should post something.. but what?

i have nothing to say. does that surprise you?

kinda does me. i'm so friggin sick of whinin and cryin on here.

could it just be the winter blues? SAD? (seasonal affective disorder) i know i have that. i really do. i have never ever done well emotionally in the winter time. i must have sunshine to live. or at least to feel alive.

anyhow. does anybody know how many days--or perhaps even weeks, that i have been saying i need to go grocery shopping? i have lost count myself! well-- i still haven't been. which means... i really must go today. my family is gonna throw me on the grill if i don't get food in this place soon. like today.
even i am gettin sick of not having food here-- and lately food just doesn't thrill me much. i could take it or leave it. preferably leave it... but soulman won't let me.

so, anybody doin anything today .... i know the weather sucks just about every-damn-where. so i bet not much outside stuff will be goin on. i also know most of y'all are fightin off some sort of cold or flu. i spose that doesn't leave a lot, other than goin to work feelin like hell--- or well, doing other things you'd rather not do-- whilst feelin like hell.

i spose i will be shopping *CRINGE*,
hanging shit on my walls....
i may-- or may not, get this mop cut off my head
and if i get all that done.. i just might... yes MIGHT.. break out my guitar-- and see if i can still bust out some johnny cash.

i will get back to you on how my day progresses-- and y'all do the same-- ok?

i hope you all have happy days.. or try to--

Wednesday, January 30, 2008

a late meme (monday #2)--crap! i mean WEDNESDAY!

Interview Meme

a couple weeks ago, (i think)--I was tagged by water learner to do this interview meme:


1. At what age do you wish to marry? Well—little late for that—I’ve been married fifteen years—16 , if I make it to july! :))

2. If there is something you’d like to change about yourself (whether physically or emotionally), what will it be?

Well.. seein as I am not God—or his Wife—i spose I couldn’t heal my body—so, I spose I would just want to get over the fear of getting out of this house , and DO more fun stuff.

3. If you were to be stranded on a desert island, who are the 3 blog buddies you would take with you? Why?

JAMIE- cuz we NEED to get the hell away! And we can make each other laugh like nobody else!


MOTHA-- cuz motha is a damn crack up—who also laughs with us like a mental patient!

OLDY-- cuz if i didn't she would cry :))

ans, well- i know it's 4 but, he’s not a blog buddy—but oh man—we would HAVE to have GYPSYS fishin fairy—to feed us, and fan us, and well.. entertain us.. right?

4. Where is the place that you want to go the most?

Ya know what I think would be really really the coolest? Would be a place that is warm… just anywhere warm.. like on a lake—and a huge cabin..a log cabin.. with trees, and grass… and have ALL my blog pals .. all of em.. and their families, and kids.. be there.. for like a weekend. And we could fish, and bbq..and talk , and eat.. and the drinkers could drink, and I just think that would be the coolest thing ever. I noticed most of us have almost the same people on our blogrolls, and it would be the best weekend ever to have us ALL be together and really get to know each other. Maybe that’s me.. but that’s what I would like.


5. water learners question: If there is one fear inside you that you hope to be able to face with gungho and conquer it, what would that be? My fear of babies . (if you don’t get it—don’t ask)


6. What's the best compliment you've ever received?

I don’t get many—it probably had something to do with something I did in the navy—I can almost be positive of that much.

7. What are you afraid to lose the most?

My family… someone close to me, and sushi


8. If you win $1 million, what would you do?

Pay off bills, give a bunch a way, buy a house for cash, and save the rest.

9. If you meet someone that you love, would you confess to him/her?

I’m married, so … that kind of love is out—but if I meet a person I love as a friend.. I would let them know—and that is new for me—just so ya know.

10. List out 3 good points of the person who tagged you.

I haven’t known water learner very long. But I know that she is kind, she cares about people, and she takes the time to get to know a person, before judging them.

11. What are the requirements that you wish from your other half?

Hmmm… keep a job.. which he always has.. be a good dad—which he always has—share the load—be loyal and faithful to me and soulkid—which he has—so—I spose he passes J)


12. Which type of person do you hate the most?

People who say what they THINK you want to hear—people who say nothing at all-and people who pretend to listen when you know they don’t hear a damn thing you say. Oh and let’s not forget incompetent doctors! (ummm.. sooo, most people) :))


13. What is your ambition? Hmmm… I don’t think I have any right now. Maybe just to better myself. As a mom, wife, friend, sister. Human. not too much to ask is it?

*14. What is the thing that will make you think he/she is bad?

Being dishonest in a way that hurts someone. Or me.


15. Christmas is coming, who do you like to celebrate with?

Well, Christmas is GONE, so it’s a bit late for this one isn’t it.


16. What do you think is the most important thing in your life?

My family, peeps, and my animals.. and my photos—the rest can be replaced.


17. Are you a shopaholic or no? NO! y’alll know I HATE to shop!!!


18. Which actress or actors you would like to be?

I don’t want to be anyone but me. I can barely handle that!

19. It would be 2008 in a few days, do you have a new year’s resolution?

Hmmm.. it’s been 2008 for 30 days—my resolution..of sorts was to TRY to quit smoking—which I failed rather quickly at—but I didn’t try very hard at either. It’s my only pleasure in life. So screw it.

(does anyone want a box of cinnamon nic gum? It tastes like shit btw)


20. Do you have any plans for tomorrow?

Don’t think so—but I take the kid to the cute dentist today—does that count?


I am supposed to tag 8

But I won’t

So if ya want it—take it away, just let us know if ya do it

facing your past- or continuing to run

have you ever felt like you've been running from your past , and finally got caught?
well, better yet-- has the past you've been running from, ever actually caught up with you? grabbed hold, and forced you to look at it? maybe that's a better way to put it.

you know the old saying.. you can run, but you can't hide. right?
well.. i have hidden, and i have ran. i have built walls and cages, and worn blinders,. i have changed tv channels, avoided certain people , places, and things... for many many years. even knowing that it did no good for me -- or my family.

recently, the black cloaked ghost of my tumultuous past , has grabbed me from behind. as i struggle to face the demons that join it, i am both paralyzed , and fighting with all my strength to not be beaten this time. as easy as it would be, i cannot be defeated again; not now. not at the time i am beginning to find strength in who i am again.

is this another cryptic post? i'm sorry if it is. maybe for those who know me better than others, you may pick up on some of it. if you aren't gettin it, i apologize. i just don't want to get too much into what all is goin on.

basically i think it may be one of those-- one step forward -- two steps back, type things. lately. but, the difference i think, this time, is that, well, i don't feel that i will be left two steps back. i think i will find my way back up a step or two-- even if i need to fall back again. i'll eventually find my way where i am supposed to be. someday.

anyhow... i think i don't know what i'm saying right now-- or maybe at least quite how to say it.. so i better wait a while.

but i do think i have a question of the day--- again--- what do you do when the past stares you in the face--- and how can you use that to help someone else-- when you haven't quite dealt with it yourself???

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

i'm very tired - and i don't know why

damn i'm tired. i've done a lot today it seems, and of course i got up before the sun, as usual. but i am just exhausted. i haven't left the house yet--though i really need to. but i don't think i will make it. holy crap-- i could fall out right here payin bills. wth. i hate it when i get this way.

i hope i get a second wind soon. perhaps i should eat...but i know me, and that will only make it worse. good think i took some chicken out for dinner. just in case i don't make it out today-- i have the one saving grace of one last meal before i am burned at the stake by the soul clan for lack of home cookin.

i wish i knew wth was goin on here. i guess some days are just better than others.

oh well.. there is surely worse goin on -- or worse that could be goin on - right.

i hope you all are having good days--
i'm workin on it-
i think i shall go try and continue being somewhat productive-- but i am running out of gas rather quicky.

i shall be around later on.

happy tuesday peeps.

Monday, January 28, 2008

still monday

it was a cold and yukky day

they said it would be sixty--
they LIED!

the sun didn't shine at all today-
so i cleaned,
and i took a nap-
and just a little of this
and a little of that

and not much else to do now-
except get the hell out of this room
with x-box live blastin my ears off
with "call of duty 4 LIVE---
if you haven't seen or heard someone play this--
be very grateful---
and NEVER allow your husband to purchase one.

i threatened to shoot soulmans today-
but when he said he would sell it--
i of course felt guilty--
seein as i bought it for him for his birthday.

maybe i will just shoot it someday,
and i will say
hmmm.. wonder how that happened.

anyhow-- i gotta get away from this crap-

monday-- again--- hoo ra

some of you already know-- most anyhow-- some don't.. so i will tell you--

y'all do know that i have had had a rather crappy-- ok, call it what it is .. i had a sad week. just sad.
i put my dog to sleep. she was my best friend, i had her almost 12 years. we knew each other better than anyone else knew either of us.. best dog ever. the best. just the best. but i know dogs don't last forever. nothing lasts forever. right. still didn't make it easier. and this was expected for a couple years. didn't make it easy. i thought for some messed up reason, i thought knowing, just might make it easy. (er). nope.

then on like wednesday-or thursday.. hell i'm not even sure now. whatever day-- it was too soon for me. i got a phone call. i wasn't expecting it.. not for several more days. i knew it was coming, but really-- i didn't think i would hear it til next week.. like today or tomorrow. so i get this call from the animal hospital--she nonchalantly-- but not without care in her voice-- tells me that midnights' ashes are back and ready to be picked up. i just wasn't ready. i thought for a long time after the call that i could get them..but later texted hubby at work, and he volunteered to get her after work. which really made it easier-- but was still hard. the black velvet bag had "until we meet again on the rainbow bridge" embroidered on it.
the poem.. i had never heard that until oldy posted it here after midnight had to "go". now i see it everywhere, it seems.
wow. just odd how that seems to happen.

so anyhow..
on to better things/// sorryyah (an my child says)

seems that jamie (simonsays) and i have been doing a lot of soul searching lately (and i don't mean me) ... and it hasn't been an easy past week or so for either of us.. for various reasons.

the sad part-- which is maybe the part that brings us closer, is the worst of our worst probs.. we do have a bit in common.. so the tears we shed for each other are more than sincere, and we know that. we know it's not a glossed over pity tear or two-- it's i've been there-- or i am there, and i do understand. and it helps. it is unfortunate, that we share these things on such a level. but in a way.. it does show us, that it is possible to live through it. and come out the other side.

we had been talking of meeting up again ever since our first meeting in october, here. but getting together has been so difficult. her health issues, surgery, job, daughter, etc etc... and believe it or not--- i do kinda have a life and family--and a few problems to deal with here too-- doesn't sound like it much-- but i do have a life.

so anyhow-- scheduling has been a problem. we did meet in iowa for just a meal once in november. i tend to take things to the extreme at times... and this meeting was very soon before her surgery-- she really shouldn't have been was near impossible for her..and was impossible without her H helping. it broke my heart to see her that way.; and i knew so little about the surgery-- i had also thought that she may not even live through it. that was a really hard visit. but i was so happy that it was possible. and we even managed to have a good time at that one. we were both i think at the end of our ropes at the time-- yet still finding things to laugh at--
oh like the waitress, she helped a lot on that trip. "want a plate with that pie sir?" "no, just bring it in your hand, i'll eat it off the table"... I prolly screwed that one up-- but it was close.. but she did shit like that often.. need a glass for that ice? hmmm. nah, just throw it , i'll catch it in my teeth!
she was a real winner. but hey-- ya gotta laugh at somethin right?

so yep-- yesterday... it was fun. for the most part it really was. we can't help but to laugh when we get together. we can laugh at anything. our waiter-- "promised to take good care of us"
so.. everytime we felt he wasn't, we mocked him.. and when we felt he did-- we let him know. and that was fun. he was a young guy-- maybe new-- and really trying to do a good job.
we're easy to please.

jamies H is a quiet guy-- but somethin tells me.. he just might like us a little bit. he's a good guy, and he is good to jamie too. they look like high school kids together. really. they just do. very cute . she;ll get embarrassed by that--but oh well.. :)P

we only had a couple hours for lunch again.. but talked of a next time-- again---with more time.. as we usually do.... one of these days... things will smooth out in our worlds and it will happen.

she looked soooo good. y'all just wouldn't believe it. she trucks along faster than me now! her smile is a lot more real than the last time i saw her.. it's back in her eyes again..sometimes.
she really looks like a little girl when she smiles. she talks about how old she feels..and i do understand that-- but she looks really good, and has a sparkle of life back in her eye-- i imagine coming from a wheelchair to riding 6 hours in a car, and still not limping a bit , would surely be something to put a spring in your step about!!!
God does answer prayer... he let her have her legs back. it's a miracle-- and it was wonderful to see.
and more wonderful to see her. she is a really special lady-- and the best friend anybody could even mold out of clay for their self. one of a kind.

ps--- we forgot to take a picture!!!!!

don't forget to save some prayers for her and her family at night... just that whatever their needs are--- what's best for them.. and what's to come.. that it's best for all concerned. God knows what that means.

i hope y'all have great and happy days today--- i will.. if i can fish.... not sure of the weather report yet-- but i will get back to you on that

Saturday, January 26, 2008

how long can a person pretend to be ok?

ya know i heard an acronym a long time ago. because my main response to "how are you".. was always "FINE". sometime it would be "just fuckin fine." well... someone asked me once.. "do you know what "F.I.N.E." means? i said what? (yep-- i did have an attitude) she said...

"fine= fucked up, insecure, neurotic, and emotional.")

well. who knew? that fit. that was me. over time, it seemed to change. along with my answer to how are you. for a long time, my answer seemed to actually fit how i actually was feeling, at the time.

well... lately, i notice.. i don't say "fine" so much anymore.. but i do say-- the ever popular.. ok. but mainly-- "dandy.. or peachy" in an ever so sarcastic manner. well.. the ok-- i can pull off pretty well. but can't everybody?

anyways i just wonder , how many of us , are really honest when we're asked that question? and how many even really ask it out of true concern? is it just a reflex question. just a conversation starter? no one really wants to get into a conversation about someones truly shitty day or problems do they. maybe a spouse or best friend.. that's a given. i mean aside from that. the lady at the bank.. the checker at wally hell... who really gives a damn. and who always gives a damn.

pretty soon... it always gets back to-- fine. peachy. dandy. ok.
because .. you know, that in the real world-- other people have problems too. other people have problems bigger than yours. other people have problems bigger than YOU.

so then what?

what happens when you trip and break your damn face on the rug that you swept so much shit under for so long TRYING to be ok????

just askin.

Friday, January 25, 2008

does it take a degree to be a weather man?

and i think i always mix up weather and whether . so i guess i could never have that job regardless.
but anyhow... for the passed (another word i get wrong alot = passed-past) hmmm.. yep this is a vocab lesson.
soooo--- yep-- two days worth of-- oh we are gonna freeze to death, freezing rain, polar blast, blah blah blah--- they even sent the road workers home early yesterday so they could go back in at midnight last night. HA! and people wonder why they call us rednecks????
well.. you might be a redneck if- you panic at the sight of a dropping temperature gauge . good Lord.
so anyhow-- here i am, watchin the weather on tv.. ... the last thing hubby said before he went to get ready for work? "they'll say "we dodged the bullet this time"... seems that's what they always say here, when they warn us of these things. so.. five minutes after he leaves the room... what do they say on tv...
"we dodged the bad weather predicted"... (or some damned thing)... but really. how smart do ya have to be to GUESS at that crap?'s cold. it's damn cold. ugh.
sooo... all day yesterday i locked myself inside.. thinking it was like 5 degrees outside... come to find out-- it got up to 40--- which , mind you-- is still bone chilling to ME. (oh shut up all you snow queens, i'm a whimp and i know it) :)) but still...
but anyhow-- now they're tryin to cover their mistake and say we are gonna get all the cold and ice today--- oh right. so, now i'm debating on weather or would that be whether-- :)) --- i want to go outside today...and maybe get food in this damned place-- or continue to eat high dollar , high fat, nasty ass to go food. that i hate. like pizza... and hamburgers. altho-- wendys' chili and fries were good last night. and sushi did enjoy the calzone that hubby dropped on the floor the night before. this is just getting ridiculous. i must shop. who wants to come be my shopper?

ok.. well.. enough babble.. not much to write about when you don't leave the house.

perhaps i will come up with something later.

hope you all have happy days---
you know i will try

Thursday, January 24, 2008

too early thursday drivel (is drivel even the word i want?)

mornin peeps.

what a week eh? seems everyone, or most everyone, has had a hell of a time around here lately. i haven't been much for words, but have managed to read a bit the last day or two-- and it doesn't look too bright out there.
sick parents, sick kids, sick peeps... sad peeps, delayed plans, broken hearts. life can suck can't it?
i hope things change for y'all soon. for the better of course.

things here are easing up a little. not having midnight is .. well, i don't even know if there is a word for it. there are a lot of feelings though. i have even called sushi , Midnight, several times. that is pretty messed up. a dog the size of midnights head-- weird .

anyhow... i did manage to get out yesterday. took care of some things i really needed to do, a couple things i wanted to do, and neglected-- of course a couple things i should have done. i thought i might get to those today-- but oh hell no-- it is too friggin cold for me to leave the house today-- so i think i will catch up on my neglected house today. which, as usual, is mainly the damn kitchen. kitchens just piss me off. especially when i'm pissed off to begin with.
i don't think pissed off is the word tho. not for today. i'd just rather be able to go fishin. or something.

yesterday i drove by the creek that i used to fish at a lot. i saw a guy catch a trout. that was pretty cool. but it was too cold for me to fish. i would love to catch some trout though. i haven't caught a trout in several years. if i got some trout.. there would be no catch and release-- there would be a fish fry! :))

welp-- i spose i shall get this party started round here.
i woke up at like 3 a.m so i'm pretty sure today will require a nap--- :))
i usually don't like to sleep during the day much anymore-- i feel like i'm wasting time. even though it used to be my favorite thing to do... but anyhow-- i think lately-- i kinda like it again.
keeps my mind from spinning. i really need to go fishing. :((

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

hi all... you knew i couldn't stay away long

i thought i could, but i guess not.

yesterday-- i know it will not be the last day that i feel sad, or miss midnight, or even cry for her. but it has to be the last day that i allow myself to be crippled with grief for her. she wouldn't want that for me. it was her that saved me from that all these years that i wanted to live that way in the first place. there will never be another dog like her. at least not for me.

my daughter and husband both have already suggested i get another dog. i understand, and am not surprised really that they did. it's just that i am not ready to even consider that. and i may never be.

if we do ever get another dog-- it is hubbys turn.. and i will surely keep a distance in how much i allow myself to love it. being the one that is home with the animals the most, it is always me that seems to be the mom to any animal we have, no matter "whos' it is"... but if there is a new animal brought in here-- i will not feed it--- that is always the first mistake. they know where the food comes from.. and they make that connection to ME-- every time. regardless... no animal is coming here any time soon.

sushi is having a terrible time here without midnight. she somehow knew right away that she wasn't coming back. she looked for her as soon as we got home. she went to the door and smelled and whimpered. then she found my purse-- that had midnights collar and leash in it-- and smelled, until i took them out.. then she smelled them and licked them, and whimpered. i was sitting on my bed.. i held the leash and collar and sushi laid with me and smelled them and laid with me for a long time. later i tried to move the collar to my bed table-- she let out a yelp-- she won't let me take it off my bed.. even now. she checks on it several times a day--- she naps with it. if i pick it up to hold it-- she watches me , to make sure i am not taking it away. i think it will forever be on my bed. the leash-- i put in sushis crate that we put her in when we leave the house--- soulkid tried last night to take it out to put in her bed, because sushi sleeps with her at night-- sushi is not agressive, but almost bit soulkid to keep her from taking the leash out of the crate.
she has been with midnight since she was like six weeks old. it is heartbreaking to watch her behave this way. she knows midnight isn't coming back.
and so do the cats.. they keep looking for midnights bed.. it was on the floor next to my side of the bed--- i couldn't leave it there-- because i woke up and checked on her so often, or if i laid down for a nap- or woke up at night-- or went to bed,,, there she was.. for like twelve years almost. that's almost as long as i have been married. aside from huby and soulkid-- i have had no other daily constant in my life-- ever. ever.

but anyhow-- i cannot let loss define me .. again. i need to let her life , the life we shared. remain the biggest part of what she left with me. even her last moments were sweet and funny. well most of them.. imean it was sad, of course. and i cried like i havent in a very long time. but she was jsut so sweet, and relaxed. and peaceful. and we knew it was time for her to go. but oh it hurts. and i know it will for a long time.

but-- life goes on...

i soooo appreciate every one of you

i will be around to your places soon.. or sometime today--
i have been ordered to get out of the house today-- which isn't a bad idea-- since i remained comatose yesterday.

soooo.... i gotta get UP, and accomplish some real life stuff today.

i hope you all have happy days in your worlds today---
i will try-

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

just checkin in

i can't say much today. i hope y'all understand.

i'll be around soon.

i just want to say thank you to all of you.

we are ok. and appreciate every one of your comments.

i don't think i can answer everyone individually.. just know i appreciate you all.


take care--

will catch up with you .

Sunday, January 20, 2008

all dogs go to heaven ---

i found the pic i was lookin for
but it wasn't what i thought it was--
so here are two from the same day---

these were taken several years ago-
in kansas.
midnight was a chronic fence jumper, and runaway-
full of energy-
and she loved the water and swimming, and going on the boat.

these pix were taken on a day that we went camping.
it was a three day weekend,
and just may have been midnights happiest time of her life.
no leash, just running, swimming, playing.
everything that she loved. for three days.
i thought the pic above had her in it--
obviously-- i remembered wrong.
i wish she was in it.
but as bad as my memory is--
i remember this weekend...
i remember her swimming all the way across the lake -- a dozen times.
i remember me, swimming by her side .

that's all i can say for now.
she was a damn good dog.

Hi folks

I am writing this on Sunday night--- it’s about 730 ish. Debating whether I should post it now or in the morning. Guess I’ll figure that part out later.

Tomorrow is the “big day”. The big – BAD- day. Which just might be today, as you read this. Monday—at noon.

We will be taking Midnight to the vet. For the last time. She will be put to sleep, and hubby and I will sit with her til she’s gone.

Crusty suggested that we give soulkid a choice of rather she wanted to be there—or not.

She decided.. not. Which is fine. We understand, and really we think it is better that she isn’t there. I think it will not be easy, and I don’t think she needs to be “there” to say goodbye. But hubby and I will sit with her, til she’s “gone”.

Soulkid will be with a friend ; we don’t want her to be alone, and there is no school.

We had this discussion with her earlier today, and it did not go well.. but at the same time I guess it did. As well as can be expected I suppose. She never remembers NOT having Midnight. She has not lived in the dark, or been blind to Midnights’ illnesses or recent problems.. but she didn’t expect what she heard today. In fact, in the beginning, hubbby had a hard time getting it going, and she immediately looked at ME.. like I was sick and dying… she had tears in her eyes already--- damn. I hate that she has worried about my health so much these past few years, that this would be her first thought. As soon as I saw that look, I cleared it up right away, and told her that it wasn’t me—or her dad… she deflated….. hubby continued….

It was hard. That’s all I can really say about it. it was just a tough discussion. For all three of us.

Jamie (simonsays) had a really good suggestion a few days ago. It was more for me, but because soulkid wears her other dogs’ ID tag on a chain, (the one who was run over and killed in NM early in 06).. I decided to suggest it to her, and she likes the idea.

We are going to have Midnight cremated… and jamies suggestion was that I have a locket , with some ashes , sealed to wear on a chain. So--- I will do that—for soulkid.

Maybe for me too. Not sure yet. I have a locket that I have had for many years, but don’t wear, so, I just may do that too. But I will have to buy one for my girl. Guess I will let her go with me and pick it out later in the week. I don’t know.

It will take about a week to get the ashes back… which was a huge concern for me…I bet I asked ten times if it would be certain that they were Midnight’s ashes. She said yes every time. So I guess I will just have to believe that.

Then in a few weeks or when we have another warm day we will take her to the lake on the boat—and pour her ashes into the water. Soulkid hasn’t cared much to go on the boat for the past few years, so isn’t sure yet if she wants to go with us that day or not. So in that respect, I am glad it will take a while to get the ashes; so she can have time to think about it, and decide later.

Midnight always liked to go on the boat, and swim in lakes. swimming was her favorite thing.

When we were in NM, we lived about half a mile or so from a ditch that was like for irrigation—it was usually pretty full. Somehow midnight and chicklet found it on one of their little escapes. They ran away several times while we lived there--- almost every time they ran off—that’s where she would go—and chicky would follow. Swimming in the ditch. They ruined my car seats with friggin mud btw. I would always get so damn mad at those dogs--- but finding them was like finding a lost kid…. I just couldn’t stay mad. They were just being dogs.

Anyhow.. as for chicklet—the last time they ran away—Sonic.. down the street, was their next favorite place to go—trash digging… well, the road up near there, was a four lane highway and chicklet didn’t make it through the traffic. I was in Arkansas visiting my mom and sis. It was march 19. a very significant day in soulland.. before and moreso after.

So anyhow—midnight loves to swim. She always has. She risked her life and chickys to go swim in the ditch. And eat hamburgers. and I think that’s where she should “rest”. In the water that was such a big part of her life. And ours.

I have the perfect photo in mind for this post, but it may take me some time to hunt it down. I’ll find it though.

Well, I spose that’s about it. I just wanted to get that out. It has obviously weighed heavy on me for a while-- especially today.

I won’t be around for much of the day—I have an appointment at 9—then this one at twelve. I’m sure I’ll be ruined after that.

So I guess I’ll be around on Tuesday morning.

I hope you all have happy days in your worlds today---

I will try.

Well---- I have obviously decided to post this now. That way I may be less apt to re read it in the morning.

chillen chatter

i'm pretty late today getting a post up--- kinda staggering between blogs.. and bank crap... and dogs.. and other misc stuff. i can't seem to stay focussed on any one particular thing today. well- that shouldn't be a surprise. i am never focussed am i?

anyhow--- simonsays/jamie at everyone thinks i can fix it ---->> linked ovah there --->>>>
posted, ummm, yesterday (?) about the way her kids spoke, and things they would say when they were little. and how these words or phrases seem to hang around -- even years later.

well, it seems she has started a trend , and others are posting about their own family sayings... OLDY, just did hers today--- but, most of you can't even read it--- unless you have an invite by email from her --- cuz "oldy-man" is a butthead and made her go private with her blog .
does that bother me.. umm yes a bit. but it's not my blog--- or my man.. so i'm ok. :)) but it is really cute ... perhaps i will post hers here so everyone can see it... cuz it is really good. maybe cuz it's my family-- but i don't think so--our kids are just damn cute!

so anyhow... on to my own.. family words and phrases post---

soulkid--- of course i shall start with her-- she started talking really young. she didn't really use a lot of baby talk.. she talked in regular words most of the time, although there were some she didn't quite pick up on right away... partly, in my opinion, it was because we didn't talk to her in baby talk.. there was no "nannas" or --- well shit-- would you believe i have forgotten all the baby words to even use for examples.. but who can forget nanas. right.

well anyhow---
oldy already discussed one of her favorite words.. which was "gucky".... she didn't quite remember the way that word came about though.. so i will explain....
she was soooo totally addicted to a pacifier--- good Lord.. that kid would have one in her mouth and one in each hand ... i soooo regretted ever giving it to her. i was surprised she ever learned to talk at all with her mouth stuffed with that thing almost all the time.
well.. anyhow-- her dad and i knew "pacifier" was too big a word for a baby--- we had a dog that we had called darinka, before she was born.. which for some unkown reason i began to call "binky" so--- binky was out. we had no idea that the dog would be out of the picture before she learned to talk-- but that's another story---- so anyhow-- there we were with already three strikes against us for a word for the most important thing to our baby. she would almost have rather had that damn thing in her mouth than food. but anyhow....
we finally decided that we would call it a "sucker"..... THINKING.. that by the time that she would actually be eating candy suckers-- the gucky would be long gone--- we were wrong.. she kept that thing til her fourth birthday, when we told her it was the gucky--- or us-- she threw all of them in the trash and never looked back. i'm just kidding...we really didn't say them or us-- but she really did throw em away on her own, and that was that. but i can't believe it took four whole years to do it...
anyhow--- she couldn't say sucker-- so she said "Gucky"... and that is what a pacifier has been to all of us for the last 13 years.
we also had a cat-- we named him Gucky-- in honor of THE Gucky-- HOPING she would transfer her love to the cat--- never happened.... but again.. the cat-- another story-- and trust me.. now is not the time for that one.

good lord.. if it is gonna take me that long to explain every word i may as well hang it up right now.
i shall try to be less descript...

oh yes.. here's a good one..
at least i think so--
she was maybe two-- or so. y'all know my memory-- and YES it is sad that i can't even remember her age at times such as these--
anyhow.. pretty sure she was close to two-- just cuz of where we lived...
soulman had a habit of saying stuff to other drivers on the road... still does in fact--
anyhow, one of the most common things that he would say back then was
"outta the way clown!"
so there we are, drivin down the street, obviously she had heard him say it enough by then to know exactly why he said it and what it meant...
well... some asshat was driving like five miles an hour, and i guess she could sense his frustration... so before even HE could say it-- she shouts out-- quite plainly, "outta the way clown!!"
it was soooo cute.

ahhhh... then there was this one...

somewhere near like one and a half years old or so two maybe-- walkin and talkin ... but not perfectly yet--
well, my sister had moved from washington to florida where we were, and her, her boys, and her , i think two cats--- stayed with us for like a week or so til they found a house---
so her cat .. a grown, male, was walking across the living room ... and there goes soulkid... chasing after him... pointing at his .. well, his balls.. ... and she kept trying to grab them, saying "somethin, somethin"
she thought they weren't supposed to be there, and she was gonna take them off! just trying to be helpful ya know :))

ok.. anyhow--- i will move on to some things my nephews said that i remember or say from time to time---

the first to come to mind is... the youngest... he had a real problem with his speech.. only the family knew what he was saying, and much of the time his older brothers would have to translate for him..... he speaks perfectly fine now btw--- but it took until he was about 8 ish, to get it down. after years of speech classes.
one time , my mother, her at the time (obviously) boyfriend, and i , had him, and we all went to breakfast at dennys' or somewhere like that.
he was maybe 4ish. so the waitress assumes that he would be able to order his drink for himself...
so.. she asks what he would like to drink.. he says

"bite and some baby"
i really hadn't spent a lot of time with him, as he was the youngest and i was in the i was pretty much still in the learning stage of his unique language... i could communicate with him.. but "bite and baby".. i hadn't heard before.
after being asked by the waitress, myself, and my mother-- a few times-- he grew frustrated.. and managed to say it a little louder-- somehow i picked up on it-- and what he was requesting???
sprite, and gravy!!!!

to him.. coke was "hoke" and that boy could smell hoke from ten feet away-- "i hmeww hoke!"

cartoons? hawtoons!

sweet sweet kid. and much much easier to talk to these days :))

number two---
loved music.. he had one of those-- really old these days-- but a playskool? radio? like from the 70s or 80s?? remember them? well it was like his favorite thing..
but he couldn't say radio----
it was a wanio...
his favorite song was the jeffersons theme.. that show would come on tv..and it didn't matter where he was or what he was doing-- he would run to the tv and dance while watching it come on... when the song was was he.

number one-- i spent the most time of all three with him... i was still living at home when he was born...and at times would live with or close to my sis.. or at least visit-- but of course-- he was young-- long before soulkid... so i have to reach even further back for his memories...
i do remember when he was like 2... he talked young too...
the whole family lived in one house in colorado--- and where we lived there was lots of squirrels and trees etc... and he really loved to sit on the deck..which we called a porch... it had a bench or a swing-- i'm not sure which anymore--
but i was in high school at the time.. and really the only one that would be gone during the day, so when i got home he had missed me all day and would want to play--
so one of the things he said often..was
"bennna benna benna , come sit on da poach"...

i can't believe that was soooo long ago.

well anyhow--
i am certain i will think of more later-- but for now-- this is all i can remember--- sad but true.

maybe i shall do a part two when i haven't already blabbed so much...and i remember more.

have happy days...

today i get my hair done.. wish me NOT to go orange again.

Saturday, January 19, 2008

i know you don't want to hear me whine-- so here's a smile -

Global Warming? My ASS!

happy satahday peeps....

well.. in case your world looks like this.....

which apparently , most of ours do -
even the one's that shouldn't do -
or they at least feel like it.
it's crap, i say!
absolute crap.
there is frost on our cars this morning.
texas. sure.
a week ago it was in the 70's for like THREE days.
ugh how i wish those days would return.

i get depressed and mean when it's cold, and i never want to even go outside.
in fact--- once again ---
this place looks like old mother Hubbard owns it.
purely because i don't want to have to walk through a huge parking lot to shop-
well.. i don't want to push a heavy ass cart either--
but today, unlike recent many -- i believe i could manage.
so anyhow...

i'm a cry baby -- and i am begging the sun gods for warmth.
sunshine, and some very active large bass.
i want to go fishin.
i want to wear shorts.
i hate to be cold, and wear layers of bulky clothes.
i hate to wear coats...
and more than anything----
i hate long sleeves..
i hate anything, aside from a watch to touch my wrist---
i don't know why-- i just always have.

sooooo - anyhow...

THIS place right here -
is where i would really love to be right now.
even though i am not much of a saltwater fisher-person :))
i don't even need to fish.. i would just hang out-- and drink ;
well -- mango smoothies all day on the beach.
i know-- most of you would have something more fun and intoxicating, but well...
i'm actually more fun without alcohol.
i just need sun and heat and minimal clothing to be happy.

i know there is a need for the change in seasons...
i only wish this freezin crap didn't last so damn long.
everyone, and everything survives in the tropics.. why does it have to be so damned cold here???

know why i care so much?

is ME-
when it is cold...
well, minus the dress.. i don't wear dresses.
i am just too clumsy for dresses..
and i don't go anywhere that requires i wear one...
so ... i don't even own one.
saves on shoes too :))

so anyhow---

that's about it for today ...
a weather whine.

i spose i shall update later if i find anything of importance or humor to share....

hope you all find a way to be warm --
or drunk--
or something other than locked inside today!
most likely that is where i will be.

Friday, January 18, 2008

here i am at yet another unGodly hour -

hard to believe that it's already an hour after i got out of bed. wth?? yep, another one of those mornings. it started actually at about 2 a.m. i rolled over in bed.. .. and somehow managed to knock Sushi clear off the damn bed onto the floor! it's quite a drop i might add-- especially for a small dog. i heard the wind blow out of her with a grunt, like a football player being squished by a three hundred pound linebacker or something. i thought she might really be hurt. the bed is pretty high off the ground. so anyhow, that of course wakes up midnight-- all in a panic thinking the boogey man has come to get us-- yes she does still have that protective streak-- but it's actually sad to see it in action-- as she is , blind, mostly deaf, and extremely confused... she can never figure out where a sudden unfamiliar sound comes from,,, but she tries. so, at the same time... there i am... looking around in the dark.. for an injured sushi-- like that's all i need right now, a damn broken leg-- or something, on her. but, she was fine.. i got her back in the bed.. got midnight settled down. well hell--- by then, soulman was wondering wth just happened.... i got up and went to use the back bathroom.. so it wouldn't bother him while he was trying to sleep--- came back thinking.... ok... one last ditch effort to go back to sleep .. it could happen... no school--- soulkid is gone at a friends for the night... .. so i settle back into bed, the animals are calm... then--- soulman has to get up-- ugh. he doesn't use the back bathroom... he uses the one in our room... that has a retarded door, two actually-- but anyhow-- its the reason i use the other one when he is asleep. so, he gets back in bed, and the freakin cat starts playin with a damn plastic bag of some sort-- wal mart or somewhere-- he starts hissin at the cat to make her stop----- and there i am... it was ALL over but the cryin. i got up--- 250 a.m. woo hoo.

hubby on the other hand went immediately back to sleep--- the dogs AND cats were insane-- until like ten minutes ago-- now they are all asleep again... but me??? yep--- HERE i am.
doin the smoke n choke.

what a way to start my damn day. i know i sound crabby-- but i'm just venting. i'm goin on coffee #3, and might be on cig 5 by now. with the animals settles, the house quiet agian, and me calming down from the fiasco of earlier--- it's not so bad.

plus--- i don't see a terribly busy day ahead of me.. not like the last few. i am sooo caught up i think i'm a little scared of myself. :))
i worked my ass off yesterday. in the house. i had really been failing behind this passed week, but sure made up for it yesterday.
and the day before, y'all know i got caught up on all my bills... ugh.. i shouldn't even go there. basically we went broke broke that day. to a point of a very uncomfortable state of mind for me. for several months, we had finally been feeling pretty good about our financial situation--- for probably the first time in most of our married life... but , it was quite unsettling to watch like 90 0/0 of everything go away in one --- ok a couple days. but hey-- i am grateful that it was there to go where it needed to. without selling or borrowing to get it done. that was kind of a new feeling. the bein broke-- i am used to. it's quite familiar. i just somehow thought i would have a set limit to never get below again--- and well-- i kinda blew that. but mostly this was because of the new car. i am sure we will get caught back up in a few months. it's not like we're ruined forever. so i think we shall live.

todays agenda???
hubby works... the child is gone-- don't know when she will come home--- but really-- i am caught up with all my major crap--- if i really wanted to , i could sort stuff for goodwill...... or ... i could go fishin--- but it is like 40 degrees--- soooo----- it is so highly unlikely that will will happen, i don't even know why i said it. ummm... i really don't know what i will do with myself today--- but the day is mine. and it feels weird to have a day that i can actually do what i want-- whatever that may be-- and not feel guilty of what i should be doing-- cuz all that's DONE!
yep-- even my laundry AND dishes!!!

soooo anyhow.....
i spose that might just be it for now

i hope you all have good days today---
and better weekends to follow

Thursday, January 17, 2008

well, let's see if i can do any better today shall we?

apparently yesterdays post was quite the downer for most . y'all know that wasn't my intention.
i considered deleting it. but then re-thought that, and decided - i just deleted nearly a year of my life on this blog, and i wasn't about to start making a habit of that; simply because i feel i may have made some folks uncomfortable. this blog is my almost daily life -- and most of you know, my life isn't filled with candy canes and fairy tales. it just isn't. it never has been. and i am brutally honest about that. if anybody who reads here can't handle what happens here then don't read here. it's your choice.
every single one of you know how i feel about you. i shouldn't have to explain that--- or myself. i shouldn't have to defend myself, my family, my feelings, myself, or what i say here. ok.. i take the last part back-- i know there are times, i say the wrong thing... i think i apologize when i realize it though.. sometimes it takes longer than others to realize i've done that-- but when i do--- i make it right. or at least i hope i do. my intention is not to hurt anybody here. ever.

so anyhow....
on to other things....
there are no other things.
i am trapped at home today. hubby had to take my drivers license to work with him so he could fax it to the car place. i don't know. it's some stupid crap. i was apparently on the first loan on the nissan... and the title--- but now, i am NOT on this loan.. or the title-- which actually burns my ass a bit. but for some damn reason they need a copy of my license-- even though the loan went through fine.. i don't know.. i'm not a car person. so, i was sposed to fax it yesterday--- but .. well, i didnt.... then we were gonna do it last night when we went out-- and didn't.. so hubby took it to now i can't drive today--- because with my damn luck--- today, without a license-- with the wrong friggin address, because , yep you guessed it-- we didn't get new ones yet-- today would be the day i'd get stopped for something. and that would just be lovely. so i will just stay here. thank you very much.
besides, soulkid gets home early again today anyhow.
and yes... in case you are wondering she does know how to let herself into the house, and is quite capable of doing so, and being alone ... i just prefer to be here. i'm overprotective that way.
if you lived my life, you would know why.

anyhow-- i think i sound quite bitchy this morning. perhaps i should go for a while.

i will be taking care of some business, and more catchup, and the dreaded housework today. that is how being trapped here for the day will pay off. i do have a lot to do here today. hopefully the motivation deficiency i suffer will not affect me .

i hope you all enjoy your days today---

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

time flies when ya don't get off yo arse (and more)

i am still the great soul-crastinator. i don't think that will ever change. unfortunately.

i've been sittin here lookin at-- and adding to my ever growing "list" ... OMG. i need an assistant. i need a lot of things actually. i don't know how my life has gotten so out of control, but it has. i have lost all sense of responsibility. wth?

i know this past few weeks-- or months actually, have been one of those .. baby steps, kinda times around here. so much has been happening here in soul land. but at the same time.. it feels like nothing has been accomplished.

i think it has gotten easy for me to make excuses for myself to not do what i need to to keep things movin around here. and that's not such a good thing. so today is catchup day. i hope.
soulkid told me LAST NIGHT... at like 1030.. i get out of school early tomorrow.. gee that's great.. on a day that i would probably be gone til 3 oclock.. she'll be home at 1. yippee. just how much catchin up can i do in that amount of time. this is where prioritizing comes in... i spose. ICK. i really hate "the list".. especially when it is bigger than me.

so anyhow--- that's where i will be most of the early part of the day-- payin my late bills , in person.. and you know how i love the standing in line etc... and other crap.
then i will have to do my chores when i get done with the outside stuff-- after i'm all tired and worn out this afternoon. like that will happen. i already need a nap-- and it's 9 a.m. this cannot be good.

my sleep schedule is so screwed up-it's making me crazy... go to bed to early get up too early-- last night i went to bed late and still got up early-- even tho i set my alarm for later than normal. not that i hardly ever make it to my alarm anyways... but it happens sometimes.

midnight wouldn't wake up again today-- but she didn't sleep as late as last time she slept in. that's seems strange to talk about a dog sleeping late. but that's just her. or me. dunno.
anyhow-- it may be too soon to mention this.. so do me a favor-- and save the condolences for monday.. or even sunday night. ok? because at this point i'm ok with it. really.
but i did make the arrangements ... the dreaded appointment--- for monday at noon. that was the earliest time that all three of us could be there . soulkid has tests this week at school, so we will wait til sat or sunday to say anything about it to her. i just don't want to ruin her weekend. she sounds like a little turd a lot of times... but she isn't. and i would do anything in the world to spare her pain. i don't think i give her enough credit at times for being as mature as she is... i think she might handle this well... i just fear that she won't. and maybe i'm not at the point of acceptance that i think i am, but only in denial. i know that's very possible.. especially with a person like me. i won't know anything about anything until it's over.
i DO know that this is what is best for midnight though. and i know that the time is right. actually.. we probably waited a bit longer than we should have, but the time is now. for her.
i am hoping that "someone" will take my picture with her... but i am having a hard time bringing myself to ask for that. maybe i'll take it myself.. like one of my fish pics. should i stick my tongue in her mouth for it??? :))

i gotta get UP, and do something productive today... before i drown in a sea of laundry and animal hair--- not to mention the stackage of bills that must be paid.

hope you all have happy days today


2:02 p.m

see what a kick in the ass will do?
i finished all my crap-- and was home by 1 for soulkid ... and ate lunch --- and i just may take a nap too.
hmmmm. well.
apparently in the above section, i chose poor wording? or whatever?
i wasn't looking for sympathy-- or advice-- i was just spewing whatever came to mind at the time. i'm not a post planner, as y'all may know by now. i start typing, and when i'm done, i post whatever is there.
soooo... anyhow.. i hope your days are good ones...

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

well.. how bout lots of random crap about me

  1. When you looked at yourself in the mirror today, what was the first thing you thought?

    my gawd, do something with that hair of yours!

2. How much cash do you have on you?

for once in like 6 months, I have a twenty ! I’ve had it for like two weeks too.. but, I think I may have to part with it tonight… kids. Hmmmm.

3. What’s a word that rhymes with DOOR?


4. Favorite planet?

to live on? Or to look at? Earth to live on, the moon to look at.

5. Who is the 4th person on your missed call list on your cell phone?

ummmm…that is not good.. it was soulkid…oh, but, Dec 15th. Wonder what I was doin. Moving perhaps.

6. What is your favorite ring tone on your phone?

I am too technologically challenged for such things

7. What shirt are you wearing?

a plain green Russell t-shirt with a pocket sexy huh?

8. Do you label yourself?

if , retahded, mental, and lazy, are labels then I suppose I do.

9. Name the brand of the shoes you’re currently wearing?

gray socks that were white at one time.

10. Bright or Dark Room?

Dark.....but I don’t have a dark room here… it is very bright in this place. Which is prolly a good thing but it gets irritating sometimes. (except at night of course)

11. What do you think about the person who took this survey before you?

think she may have been on crack at the time… she was quite funny

12. What does your watch look like?

like a three year old cheap ass timex sports type of watch.. but hey—it’s still tickin

13. What were you doing at midnight last night?

sleepin…. Cuz I’m exciting that way

14. What did your last text message you received on your cell say?

hmmm….haha.. it was from soulkid – yesterday- “you should pick me up at 2” (NOT)

15. Where is your nearest 7-11?

about two miles to my right.. wanna bring me coffee and a newspaper Oldy..

16. What's a word that you say a lot?

not sure but I bet it’s damn.. or dammit

17. Who told you he/she loved you last?

hubby I think

18. Last furry thing you touched?

it was midnight a little while ago – I petted her head – cuz she was cryin

19. How many drugs have you done in the last three days?

ya right…surely y’all don’t want MY list -- ? but I assure you, it did not include anything fun, or illegal

20. How many rolls of film do you need developed?

OMG.. my best guess would be twenty—at least. But I have NO idea where they even are at this point--- after our recent move—I can’t find a thing.

21. Favorite age you have been so far?

I’m pretty sure it was 24. I shoulda bottled that shit.

22. Your worst enemy?

the medical community dontcha know

23. What is your current desktop picture?

it is the cute sloth with the shades on

24. What was the last thing you said to someone?

ummmm… out loud? Does American idol come on tonight? (it does btw)

25. If you had to choose between a million bucks or to be able to fly what would it be?

i’ll take the cash… then buy a plane ticket !

26. Do you like someone?

I like several someones…

27. The last song you listened to?

not sure—but it was on the Blue October cd in my car

28. What time of day were you born?

not a clue

29. What’s your favorite number?

black 13 for roulette no other number ever really crosses my mind

30. Where did you live in 1987?

hmmm… san diego… that was a fun time too.. that was biker bar time in fact (ish)

31. Are you jealous of anyone?

ummm no. I think I have enough crap on my mind

32. Is anyone jealous of you?

I highly doubt that

33. Where were you when 9/11 happened?

I was at home….. then I went and got soulkid out of school and came back home.

34. What do you do when vending machines steal your money?

it’s rare that I use them, but I prolly get pissed off and leave.. after pushing every possible button five or six times of course

35. Do you consider yourself kind?

yes I do.

36. If you had to get a tattoo, where would it be?

I don’t even want the two that I have, but If I did get one, it would be a cover up of the crap I have.

37. If you could be fluent in any other language, what would it be?

prolly Spanish. but really I just can’t see ME speaking fluent Spanish—it was funny to listen to my dad speak it.

38. Would you move for the person you loved?

Yes. I would not like it.. but I would do it…. But NEVER again to NM.. and he knows it.

39. Are you touchy feely?

No I am not.

40. What’s your life motto?

can’t have nuthin!

41. Name three things that you have on you at all times?

cigs, lighter ,cell phone, keys. DL, and a fishin license... don’t leave home without em

42. What’s your favorite town/city?

I’m not sure I have one. But if I HAD to move--- I would go to Jacksonville FL

43. What was the last thing you paid for with cash?

I have no friggin idea. I almost never use cash.

44. When was the last time you wrote a letter to someone on paper and mailed it?

I gotta go with a Christmas card here.

45. Can you change the oil on a car?

prolly not anymore…but , like oldy—I know how to drive it to juffy lube!

46. Your first love: what is the last thing you heard about him/her?

I married him… so umm.. “dad’s takin me to the mall “ wheeeeee. And NO I am NOT going

47. How far back do you know about your ancestry?

not very far. I have been told a lot, but I remember very little . I am supposedly related somehow to john mccain, and ted Williams though. I don’t know the details tho.

48. The last time you dressed fancy, what did you wear and why did you dress fancy?

LOL.. I think this would be my wedding.. fifteen years ago.

49. Does anything hurt on your body right now?

umm.. let’s move on shall we..

50. Have you been burned by love?

Anyone over the age of five has I think. So yep

lessons on chinese cuisine from singapore

looks like i'm not the only one who gets nutty when i'm stahvin!

y'all need to go check out Blur-Tings'
Hungry and bored

it is quite entertaining -
and educational TOO :))

just a quick hello for now

i don't have time to say much right now... just that i have a lot to do this morning... but will get somethin new up here in a while.

i really hope it is not another dead end with the doctah... but i went yet again yesterday... expecting absolutely nothing. every med he has given me for pain has caused more harm than good..and he is one of those that refuses to prescribe any narcotic. gee thanks. sooo anyhow-- the tests he has done, which really have been more than anyone else has attempted over the past several years.. have shown little or nothing significant. so, like i said... i expected to leave with nothing more than frustration, and yet another dr bill.

well... it seems there are a couple directions to go with this. that have not been looked at or even considered yet. and if it is either... the help that i need will not be impossible to get. and the relief will be quick. he said this could be caused from either the addisons', and not a high enough dose of steroids... is that strange or what? who knew? i had NO idea that would cause pain.. at all, not to mention to this extent. and i wouldn't have ever thought to ask-- but hubby did, and the doctor was like ... ummm yeah... it could cause this. well hell.
he also mentioned something called "polymyalgia" which by some minimal research this morning... sounds very very much like what has been going on too.

both can be detected by labs.. which i am on my way now to have done. i should know within a couple days, i would think. steroids. geesh.

oh-- we did get the new stuff to re-do my hair-- but yesterday was a long exhausting day-- and i didn't feel like doin it. so we didn't. i know i will regret that. i'll probably be bitchin in a month that my hair isn't colored yet. :((

aannnd.... what else? oh , ortho--- i really expected that the kid and i both would be scolded... neither of us were... i was soooo relieved.
it wasn't the last day .. so phew! she has to wear rubber bands for 4-8 weeks.. and IF she actually wears them.. the braces come OFF! woo hooo!

ok.. i think that's it.

i shall talk to yall latah

Monday, January 14, 2008

monday mumbles

ya wanna see somethin really weird? hubby and i went fishin yesterday mornin... i didn't catch anything.... well , cept a "red bull" buzz. and afterwards , a red bull crash. will i ever learn? doubtful. cuz i just love those things.
but anyhow... as usually, i only fished for less than an hour... hard to believe that only last summer i was fishing for 2-3 or 4 hours at a time, and now i am lucky to make it an hour. but oh well. maybe when it warms up, i shall bring a chair. but for now, it's not so terrible cuz it is still kinda cold so it doesn't kill me to leave early.

anyhow-- back to my story---

i didn't catch any fish--- but soulman did get one. the weather really is messin around with the fish. but he got one yesterday--- and when he looked in his mouth to take the hook out--- look what he saw...... ( it is kinda blurry, but it is a fish tail!) -- it was kinda cool to see that, but i did wonder if he was ever gonna fully swallow that thing or choke to death on it. and why would he try to eat hubbys bait.. with a fish in his throat!? weird.

anyhow--- it looks sort of like a shadow-- but it is a fish.
it seems almost a too big fish - for this fish to be eating.
but he did.

anyhow, in further soul news ... pretty much nada. we fished, i napped, i went to wally hell in the eve because i again forgot to take meat out of the freezer-- but refused to get restaurant (why can i NEVER spell that damn word? never? if not for spell check.. i would be screwed)... anyhow i did not want to order in or go out again.. so i went to wally hell, for a cooked chicken and misc crap we needed... along with some hair color.
hubby finally said he would do my hair-- after i threatened to pull a brittany and shave my head. so i got hair color too. apparently--- not the right kind. because... the frosted streaks... they are orange! not a bright, punk orange.. thank God... but orange. ugh. he said he would do it again today. this hair of mine is about to kill me. or make me kill. i hate this brown moppy mess on my head. ERG. for months, it just keeps on gettin darker, and messier, and more awful. and depressing. i could break every mirror in this place to avoid lookin at it.
i used to have naturally blonde light nice lookin hair--- WTH happened to me?
nevermind... i know. this is what happens when a head is deprived of sun.
summer where are you??? i cannot stand this winter cold BS. april just will not be here soon enough. i really really need another 74 degree day. but i hear we have a freakin "Polar Blast" on the way.

ok.. well that would be about all i have to say for now, as my coffee is cold and i have a cramp in my ass. so i spose i shall get UP and get some coffee, put my whining dog out, and re-coffee myself.

Sunday, January 13, 2008

i fell into a burnin' ring of fire

hi-lo my soul-peeps...

i'm not real certain of what to write about today. maybe i should wait a while to write anything at all, but usually if i don't post while everyone is either asleep- or gone somewhere--- i find it hard to concentrate. oh hell, i can't concentrate any damn way. but it is easier for me without the tv, music, x box, or some other damn thing bothering my already cluttered mind.

anyhow, i know a few of you have noticed... but some may not have. but i have not been my normal self lately. i don't know how much of this i am willing to share.. but i will say that it is my belief (and a couple others close to me) - that yet another medication has affected much more than it should have, or actually more than i am sure the doctor intended it to.

i stopped the med several days ago, but it is taking time to leave my system fully. it is however not making me feel as horrible as only a day or two ago.

so anyhow. just so ya know-- i'll get it together soon. well, as much as i ever had it together before :))

ok... moving on...

i posted about my dog several days ago too. midnight. poor midnight. it is quite evident that this time, it is no false alarm. she will not be bouncing back from this latest episode of whatever it is that happened to her. in fact just last night, for the first time, i actually saw her "do something". it was very alarming to me. i actually thought she might die right there in front of me. we were out late last night, and she had been left alone for longer than she has in a very long time. so really i don't know if it had happened to her earlier in the evening or not; but i was settling into bed, and she, as usual, was on her bed next to me on the floor... i was just talking to her... and when i looked over the front of her body-- like her arms, paws head, neck chest etc.... were almost like a convulsion would be-- but it wasn't her full body. when i called her name, she didn't respond. it only lasted less than a minute.. she went to sleep immediately after, but did respond to me, and seems ok this morning... except she is crying. she has been crying A LOT for days. it's killing me. just killing me. if yesterday-- or even today weren't a weekend... i would take her to the vet, and just get it over with. she can't get comfortable, she is miserable, she paces, and cries, and i don't know what happened last night-- but whatever it was-- it was not good. i am sure, by the end of next week, i will be burying my best and longest lasting friend. and once again.. i will stand alone in the wake of grief. but it is time. i cannot allow her to suffer anymore, to save myself the pain of another loss.

well.. i suppose that is enough of that. don't you?

on a lighter note...

we all actually got out of the house last night. soulkid piled three extra kids into the car, rather than one-- into my nissan.... two had to share a seat belt-- that was real fun.. but surprisingly-- when they get older .. the "she's lookin at me!" - and "he's touching me!" does stop. so that much was good. and i laughed at their conversations. 13 and 14 year old kids come up with some very funny stuff. and to add -- they also seem to add the shock factor quite a bit more often than they do at 3 or 4 years old. i'm so glad i do have a sense of humor at times such as these.

anyhow, we dropped them off at mall hell -- thank God above she is of age that we can do that now. (never alone, but oh man, it's wonderful when she has someone to go with.. i HATE the mall.) after we left them, hubby and i went to eat, because our next stop was what i knew would be an even worse hell than any mall on earth could ever be for me. and besides that-- my body was screaming for a steak. i wanted a steak so bad, that i knew it was not my stomach talking... my body needed some damned meat. and would you believe i matched big ole soulman bite for bite? it was like i was starving to death or something. very strange. but it was also very good.
i will never fully understand how the human body works, but i think i need to eat more steak..... :))

so anyhow.... after dinner, and some quite sensitive and touchy conversation-- that actually went better than i had anticipated (nothing bad)... just touchy--- anyhow.. we left there, and guess where we went??? oh man. do ya really want to know? we knew we were gonna go. but really we had no idea that it would take over four damned hours to complete our task.
so anyways-- wanna know where we went? wanna know what we did?

we went to a car dealership (i typed dealershiT, and had to laugh, cuz that's really suitable for the hell it was )

the below pic is not the one i actually bought-- it is hijacked off the net--- i can't find my color in a large enough pic online, and i don;t know where my damn camera is-- so until i find it--or borrow soulkids camera... this will have to do----

my color is
"aloe green metallic"
it's a toyota camry.
and i like it alot.

we got realllllleeeeee screwed on the trade in, but remember the engine light was on-- even though hubby spent 40 dollars on the part, and two hours of his yesterday replacing it-- it still didn't make the light go out. PLUS... we had STILL been hearing water in the engine on occasion.. from the flash flood from.. hell, when? months and months ago. so, we are far more than upside down, but we have never not been when it comes to buying a car anyhow.
oh, and another good thing? i really don't think that they noticed the bumper damage from when i backed into the pole when we bought soulmans truck. even though it was minimal.. they still coulda knocked off another grand saying they needed to replace the bumper etc.
so.. it coulda been worse i reckon.

and i'll tell ya , on the test drive... oh man i fell right in love with it. the comfort, the power, pretty much everything. i really like it. and the difference between this and the nissan in both... unbelievable .

another great benny??? i can control the stereo from the steering wheel! oh the control! i laughed when i told soulkid--of course she grumbled. the stereo wars in the car may just come to an end... BWA HA HA HA HA!!!

welp-- i think that is about all i can spew out of me for now.

happy sunday to y'all...

Saturday, January 12, 2008

can we say "OH SHIT" ?

well, I sure can.
in fact, i think i said it four or five times in a row,
just now.

oh well. guess i'll live.
not that big a deal.

but, just so ya know... in case you noticed-
i have been making some changes here over the
last couple of days-
and this morning, while deleting some entries, i guess
i accidentally deleted some in Jan this year, that i didn't intend to.

i did, however intend to delete "most" of 2007.
there were a few that i wanted to keep.
but most are gone now.
new why not, right.

so anyhow...
i sure didn't mean to to delete "angies survivor post".. that was the most positive
post i have had up in what seems to be quite a while.
let's all wish her the best, and if she does get on the show--
we gotta be her biggest fans ya know.

so anyhow ...
i got things to to do---
i know that is hard to believe
but it's true.

so, i hope you all have the best day possible
in your own world today-
i will try

Thursday, January 10, 2008

this is for a blog pal- but i am SURE y'all will like it TOO

talk about an awkward moment:
just as i was hijackin this "fishin fairy" below...
soulman was walking behind me....
he stops when he gets in front of me to say-
"I saw that..."
if only you could have seen the LOOK
that "look"
then i had to explain ...
good Lord.
it really is a good thing
that i have an understanding hubby--
you almost got me in trouble :))
so, without further ado---
feast yo eyes on THIS-
(a gift from Gypsy)

Tuesday, January 8, 2008

just when you think you've had all the shit you can handle...

THIS comes along. "Jenkem" ever heard of it??? OMG. go read it. i always knew kids were stupid, but this takes the cake! this is beyond stupid. beyond desperate even. i cannot believe this. who would even ever think of this???

anyhow... all my tv's and internet mess is straightened out. last night, i thought all the tvs worked , apparently only the one in my room was working. and the internet still had a glitch, but it's smooth as glass now.
the tv guy said that the guys who buried the line the other day-- not only.. STOLE two friggin splitters!!! (can you believe that??) ooooh i am so mad. i mean c'mon.. fifteen bucks worth of crap-- if that???? they gotta steal it??? that's why they drove off like they did.
anyhow, they apparently also nicked a line on the side of the house--and that's why some of the tvs wouldn't work, so the guys today had to run a separate line ..blah blah blah..i know-- this is boring...sorry--i'll move on.

but--- i don't think i have anything else to say.
so goodnight..see ya tomorrow...

how can you have any pudding if you don't eat your meat??

why in the hell does this thing always want to type in bold? or it wants to underline, or do some other weird thing... that i don't tell it to do??? am i just stupid or somethin? don't answer that. or if you do, lie. :))

anyhow-- i suppose we shall deal with bold text this time.

(it doesn't even look bold after posted--how stupid)

and a somewhat random post i'm guessin as well. because i am blank as a new sheet of paper. it is 340 in the damn morning and i have already been up for more than an hour. i woke to midnight choking. i thought she might be having a seizure. she wasn't. she was just chokin. on what , i have no clue. i petted her, and she layed back down, and i tried to go back to sleep... but she kept doin it-- a couple more times, so i just got up with her, and took her out here to get her some water. she did drink some, and hasn't choked since, so maybe she had somethin in her throat? i don't know.
but anyhow, i wasn't able to go back to bed...didn't even bother to try.

as for midnight--and i know, for those of you who have been around a while - i know you have heard me say this a dozen times --- but here i go again. i think she really is on her last leg. i am actually surprised she made it thru december . (oh btw-- for the new folks, if you haven't figured it out yet, midnight is my extremely old lady lab) - anyhow, a few nights ago- maybe friday night.. i think she had a stroke or a seizure. at least that's what the vet said the first time she showed the symptoms she was having. but when i took her to the vet that time, it costed a lot of money-- and they really did nothing FOR her, so the few times it has happened since, i just watch her for a few days, and so far she has bounced back pretty good. this time , it's not looking as good. the other day, she wouldn't wake up. she always-- always.. wakes up when i do. it doesn't matter if it is 2 a.m. or 6 a.m - if i get up- she gets up with me..and is usually somewhat energetic and ready to go outside. and these are the times that she doesn't wake me up panting or dancing, or licking me in the face to let her out. well, the other day-- you know my damn memory- friday am, sat? thursday/ hell i don't know, but just a few days ago--- she didn't wake up til.. maybe... maybe... ten??? ish. i checked that dog two , three, four, times maybe to make sure she was at least breathing. she was of course. but when she did finally get up, she was very lethargic , and short tempered with the other animals-- which she usually takes a lot of crap from. especially sushi. stupid sushi will jump in her face and nip at her all day long and she just shakes it off.... but she got pissed ... for a couple days.. she would bark mean at her, and let her know, she did not wanna be touched. and she slept... alot. and her eye was hanging. where you could see the red part. it's really sad to see her that way. she does look better as far as her eye goes. but she is still lethargic and sleepy. and clingy. she wants to be near me. that really is nothing new. she always wants to be by me anyhow. but like a sick kid ya know? just clingy-er. so, we are worried. soulkid knows, and hubby asked if i thought she would make it much longer, and i said, no, not this time. i don't know if it will be weeks, or months.. but at this point, it just isn't fair. it really hasn't been for many many months. it will be hard to let her go. and i don't know if it will be natural or not-- i really hope it could be. for all our sake... but either way. it will be like losing a part of our family. she's been with us since soulkid was two. maybe even younger. hell i dont know. but at least, eleven years. now that i think about it... it has been longer than that. anyhow. long time. i have never in my life had an animal this long. we have had the cats their whole life-- but i literally have no idea how damn old they are. isn't that stupid? i really cannot keep track of time. someone asked me how long i have been sober THIS go round.... i said, oh maybe four or five years... i realized-- for whatever reason.. i think by looking at some med records.. it has been over seven years... it's like i just wander through life and time just doesn't mean anything. each day just runs into the next.... it is pretty strange. like fishing yesterday...for some reason, i think.. hmmmm i posted that i hadn't fished in over four months... then i remembered that we had taken Jamie and her H there in October... so even if that was the last time i fished..which it could have been , hell if i know-- but it has not been four months. WTH?
i just cannot seem to get it together. but i sure do try ya know it? i really do.
i busted ass in my house yesterday btw. got my floors all swept up and the new rugs laid out etc. washed my blasted dishes. y'all know i HATE to wash the friggin dishes.
got some crap that was still not unpacked out of my damn way in the kitchen..and put up. or boxed for goodwill. etc. i was proud of the place yesterday. and i still had time to fish..i only fished about half an hour..did good for a short time eh?
then i got home, cleaned myself up... then i posted, and started dinner... etc.
that's when the damn cable/internet guy showed up. OMG... he was here til , had to be after 7..and STILL didn't have internet workin. he DID get the tv to work tho. by then it didnt matter. i was sooo dang tired.. i left and went to my room. they were still here at 8.. i think i was asleep by 830..and as far as i know i think they were still here. the last thing i remember was hubby tellin me the internet was still not workin and probably wouldnt be (today), but they were coming back today.. sooo i was surprised to see it connect when i got up. i gotta say i was glad it did. wth would i do at 230 a.m. without internet. ugh.

so anyhow... i guess that is my post filled with random crap for your tuesday.

oh and motha.. soulkid got scoulded cuz she is not doing well in school...yet again. WTH???
why does an intelligent kid let somethin like that happen????
i tell ya what-- if she goes to summer school THIS year-- i will NOT be driving her. she can ride the BUS. one hour a damned day and 200.00... for screwin around???? UGH.
it infuriates me.

hmmmm. ok.
inhale. exhale.
i love to smoke.

happy day to all of you