Thursday, April 24, 2014

HI Y'ALL  PLEASE GO HERE - AND TRY TO FIND ME .. LET ME KNOW IF YA FOUND IT OK?

MY NEW BLOG ---

LIFE ON LIFE'S TERMS

http://iamstillsoul.blogspot.com/

i really hope i see you all there !

please let me know if it updates.
thanks

UPDATE ---

IT WORKED !  THE LINK IS ON MY LIST OF 'PLACES I WANDER '  IT UPDATED .  YAAAAAY   THIS BLOG IS NOW OFFICIALLY CLOSED --- YOU CAN STILL COMMENT, I WILL SEE IT -- PLUS - I KINDA BLOGGED IN MY BOX HERE EARLIER ---
ANYHOW --- I AM BACK AMONG THE LIVING ---  YAAAAAY

Tuesday, April 15, 2014

Uuuggghhhh. So frustrated

Yes. I am still frustrated that i can't figure out why my posts won't update, like they should.  Uuuggghhhh.  My whole life is a mess right now, and i just want to write about it... The off chance when i do muster the strength to come in here to do it... It's a miracle that anyone knows.  HI KRISTY. ;))
Someone surely must knows how to get this to work?
Haelp.  I just need to be connected.  It's not that i need to complain.  I just need to know someone is out there.
Cuz i'm in here.
In my computer
Hiiiiiii
Leave me a message...i'll leave you one back. ;))

Sunday, April 13, 2014

I am here

I'm just writing to check in.  I need to write something, just anything... To attempt to get back in the habit of posting here.  So here i am.  Thinking of you.  Hoping all is well.
Also hoping that soon i can get my cluttered thoughts clear enough for posting.  And figure out how to auto update the blog roll thing.
Uuuuggghhh.  Hep meh. :))
And have a good day

Tuesday, April 8, 2014

Just drinkin my coffee

Mornin peeps.  Yep, i am aware.  I just might be talkin to myself, but just in case... Good morning, anyhow.  
It has once again been been a short lifetime since i have posted here.  Not for lack of wanting to... More for lack of anything to say here.  
There was actually a period of time that my life got quite full, busy, and very happy.  For a while.  I was busy with going to dog traing traing ... All the way out to Dallas! Sometimes as much as 3-4 nights a week .. With Chewie !  I also had made a few friends that i was spending time with.  I had a real life.   For a while.   Then, as it seems to happen in my world... It all came to a screeching halt.
Hard to believe, i know.  But it really did.  And when life slips away from me like that?  Well.... I .. Slip away from me too.
I'm sure this was all a slower process than it seems.. But it feels like it all happened overnight, and left me standing all alone in this world.  Once again.
I thought it started in December.. When my Service dog Chewie had surgery.  For Cherry eye.. And a spay.  It was earlier than that.  I had got very sick in the beginning of December. On the 4 th and went to the hospital by ambulance, then was admitted for four days... Of course for some freaky Brenda illness.  The Soul Syndrome.  The day before that started, i had gone to the VA hospital for what i thought was gonna really help me.  A intravenous once a year vitamin D treatment.  WOW. even now, i wonder if that is really what they put in me.  I was in excruciating pain before bedtime...and in the back of an ambulance by sunrise.
By the time i recovered...Chewie had surgery....by the time she recovered? It was after Christmas!
Friends?  They had forgotten about me... It was too cold for my blood to go back to dog training... Even just to watch, and visit friends.  Uuuuggghhh.
It was actually october when i had begun isolating from friends tho... And would you believe i did that FOR a friend ?!!!! Ugh.  Someone was rude to a friend of mine... I defended them... And i am the one who suffered for it.
Anyhow.  Here it is... APRIL .. I am agoraphobic as ever. I rarely go anywhere, see anyone, or speak to anyone.  And my dog is about to have another surgery.  Yup.. For hip dysplasia.  Double hip dysplasia.  This is the first place i have written that.  Anywhere in public.  I don't know how i'm gonna pay for it.  It will cost thousands of dollars.  I need to learn how to 'fundraise'. I can't let my dog die over this.

There ya have it... Not much of a post... But i decided i would write rather than turn on the TV this morning.

I'm still here

Saturday, November 23, 2013

Why am i so lazy

I'm sittin here blind, posting on my IPAD, when i could easily go into my office and do this on my big computer.  But nooooo.  I'm comfy here, on my reclining couch, my Chewie at my feet, the fireplace goin... Coffee in one hand, stylus in the other.  Get the picture?  You prolly wouldn't wanna move to the cold office and big clunky chair either.

So anyhow, how's life peeps?  Hope all is well.  I haven't hit facebook yet this morning, so i don't know what's up.

Things here aren't too bad.  Cept i just spent the last hour - again - trying, and failing, to get Google Reader to update my blog.  I guess that just aint happenin folks.  Sorry.  I'll keep tryin now and then, but for now, i have had all i can handle of it.
Looks like Google + is the best i can do for now.  It gave me some of your names and i added you, but others didn't come up. ;((

Does anyone have big plans for Thanksgiving ?  I hope y'all have really good ones.
We are gonna go to NM ... AKA 'Hell' as i used to call it.  I hated living there, and i think it took me years to get passed my hate of that place.  I honestly will never live there again, but i am looking forward to seeing my B Family.  :)). It has been a long time and i miss them.
It is gonna be cooold there, and it will be a long drive, but thank God i don't smoke anymore... I remember the oh so many freezin cold days when we 'lived' in a twinkie camper in the yard.... I had to go out there with just a tiny space heater for my 'smoke and choke' each morning.  I cried real tears most mornings.  Oh what a awful time that was for me.  For more reasons than that, but ugh.  This time will be nice.

So...snapping back to reality...  Today it's freezin cold here in Tx too.  Me an Chewie would normally be finally able to go back to traing today, but it's just too damn cold.  She has been in heat for what seems like forever, so she hasn't been able to go to training... To many male dogs, and she is just too sexy for that.  So maybe Tuesday will be warmer.  I hope, and we. Can go then?

Even tho she hasn't been to regular training, i still train on a regular basis, and her latest new thing is 'pick it up' .  She actually is learning that really quicly!  But i figured out that i need to use 'food' rather than objects - for now.

Chewie is absolutely the best thing that has happened to or for me in many years.

Stay warm y'all and be happy !

Wednesday, November 13, 2013

sleepin with the fishes

hi folks -- how are y'all doin?
i am hoping that i figured out this google reader - ticker thing -- this is my test post. 

i was just tryin to figure out my settings and came across a several year old photo album ... here is a pic i found --- it is so OLD :))





i still remember trying to take that picture --- that fish was huge.  that was one of the first pictures of me fishin that i tried to take of myself.  it was not easy.  as you can see - he was as big as my whole upper body . that's why i laid on the ground -- trying to get him and me in the pic together.  it didn't work out too well.  but it was fun. 

i wonder what people thought watching me try to take that picture... i tried many times to get it right. :))

i also was wondering a few minutes ago, what would puppies look like if Chewie and Tuco had babies. LOL .. so we (me and Danielle Googled it -- a Malenois, Cane Corso Mix -- we actually found one .... it seems to look somewhat like i imagined ... a dog with issues....  you wonder why we were wondering?  because we let our guards down this morning, and those two got a little too close for comfort -- it is a possibility BUT i sure hope NOT... but if it happened -- this is what we could end up with  :))


let's hope they didn't get as close as we think they did  :0

i found some more pics - but don't have time to explain em ... so i leave you to figure em out :))  or maybe you remember em?  :))












oh yeh .. and just so ya know ---  i DID make a phone call today ---  i feel better about things --- there was a comment left about 'babies' .. i couldn't go another minute after that.  i planned on calling... but that was a true fire under my ass.

ore vois  :))

Tuesday, November 12, 2013

it's the weekend update -- ughhhh :))

hello peeps --- i hope y'all are havin fabulous days ---
mine isn't bad - so far.  these days , i do have more good days than bad ... so i like it.

so -- i hope you have some coffee -- or somethin... if not, i'll wait.  this could get long.  :))

where should i begin?  i really don't know where anyone started here - since i started writing again, so i will back up just a little....  it isn't good , but it is where i really need to begin... so you know why everything happened --

so .... a couple weeks ago .. on 10-28, we had TWO of our beloved pets died . yes ! on the same damn day !  yup.  one of those -- cuz i am me type things.
   i am kinda getting out of that phase. that and 'the curse'.  i have decided not 'to claim' that.  i choose better for myself and my life today.  and choose to live one day at a time.  take things as they come.  life really seems to be easier this way.  and i do get 'depressed' less.  i have emotions, and feelings... and i am so much better off dealing in the moment with life on life's terms that way. rather than thinking or believing that i am doomed or cursed or hated ... etc.

anyhow -- back to my story -- 10-28-----
hubby and i were 'out of town' .. maybe an hour or so away.  this was my first sons' birthday anniversay date -- he was born 10-25-88 - died 3-19-89.  i decided that i wasn't gonna sit at home and 'think' about it.  so we went to the casino hotel for an overnight thing.  for the 27-28.  so the morning of the 28th , soulkid calls and says Sushi is sick.. very sick... takes her to the vet .. later she calls says the same about Jitterbug.  long story short... within two or three hours BOTH animals are 'gone'.  just like that !  it was terrible.  i sobbed like i haven't sobbed in many many years.  when i cry , i usually just leak.  this time i sobbed like a kid who'd been beat.






so -- this is what prompted our trip out to Arkansas.  that is where (most of you know this - if ya don't - don't say i'm sorry please )  it's ok these days, it's been a very long time.
but that is where my son .. Patrick is buried , and also a baby boy - that Stacey and i lost -- that's a whole nother story i won't get into -- right now...
also my mom, gramma, great grand parents... uncles, brother... and more are too...
it has been several years since i  or Danielle have been out there... and many more since Stace has been there .  but anyhow we decided that we would cremate and bury our pets there .
my dog Midnight , i buried (part of) out there like -- wow - 6? years ago?
and EEvee died last October, so we still had her ashes here ...

while stace was digging 'the hole' ... guess what?  i already warned him, but yup --- guess who showed up?  yeh, Midnight !  so , we were ok with that, because i took her ashes out , and added her into the box that we had the others in.  and in that box we added a toy for jitty, Sushis BEE suit, and a ball on a rope for EEvee, now all 4 are together for eternity.  and in Heaven with our babies.  i did feel better that we 'found' Midnight and were able to let them be together like that.

(Midnight n Sushi)


we also left toys, like usual, in lieu of flowers - for the boys, (a ninja turtle Leonardo, his childhood favorite -- - from Stace -- a BATMAN, from me -- a dinosaur from Danielle ----we cleaned up around the headstones,  stacey cleaned off some algae, or mold or whatever that had been growing on Patricks headstone for years.  i really appreciated that. it needed it , and i kept forgetting to bring something to clean it with every time i would go.  he had a pocket knife.



we made our rounds,  i saw my mom.. and all my peeps ... stace was thoughtful enough to buy little flags for my VET uncles -- and we also put one on my brothers grave -- he wanted nothing more than to join the service -- but was too severely epileptic.  he was very patriotic.  we put the fourth flag on our babies stone -- i guess if i woulda thought of it , we coulda put it on my moms ... she was a vet too.  i just didn;t think of that til just now.  oh well.


 anyhow ---  that was not an easy thing to do by any means.  but we all managed it well.  individually , and as a family.  we haven't been there as a family , since Danielle was maybe 7 years old.  that is way too long.

Chewie enjoyed herself ---  she got to be off leash for a while -- mostly outside the gate.  around the headstones i kept her on leash ... but she had fun runnin around .  she really needed that.  she found a cow patty -- had no idea what it was ... but it was no easy task to keep her away from it.  bah .



speaking of The Chew .. she is in full blown heat.  as is Aza .  this is not fun at all... with a male dog around.  i swear he is gonna stroke out at times.  poor thing. :))  we have to keep him separated from the girls... but in the few moments he does have around them -- especially Chewie -- i think he may explode ! he pants, he runs in circles ... and he  -- well... he attempts to find it at the wrong end.  it is pretty funny sometimes.  :))

alrighty then .. here comes the really really fun part of our trip.  this has never happened to any of us in our lives !  and to my knowledge -- no one that i know.  of course -- maybe it has , and they were just too mortified to admit it.  but y'all know me.. i have now shame :))

are you ready for this?   if you read further -- you are giving you WORD that you won't tell a soul.. and if you post this ANYWHERE -- i will make you a very sorry soul sister or brother.  i promise .  :)  this is just for your eyes only :))  top secret

ok, so -- we arrive in a little town in Arkansas.. yeh that's the first clue :))
LOL
don't take that wrong .. i love it there.  i'm just still mad that the motel that i used to go to shut down.  i went there for 24 years , and now it's gone.  i never woulda had THIS issue there.

ok.. so .. yeh, we get to the motel..the ONLY room left in town.  and it isn't a place we would normally stay.  like a well known chain place... at least 3 plus star rating , right.  this is like a little , unknown, "why are you stopping HERE" motel.    this was one of those  "can i look at the room first" motels.  NO, i am not kidding !!!  i looked at the room before i paid !  it LOOKED clean.  we were all tired and hungry.  we needed a place to stay and this was IT.  it smelled like an ashtray -- i don't smoke ,and am sensitive to the smell these days.  but noooo-- we were kinda stuck with it.  so i go tell the guy we will take it.   numero uno mistake !

we let Chewie pee, we unload the car, we rest a while, we go out to eat, we go to wal mart to get stuff we need for the cemetery, and some snacks and water etc.....  we come back,  we chill.  i fell asleep for a while, maybe a couple hours.  i wake up at maybe 10-1030 pm.  as i get a little more alert -- i look over to the other bed , where stace is kinda half sitting up , on his IPAD... i didn't have my glasses on but i think i see - something... i put my glasses on.. and OMG -- i see a bug crawling across the edge of his pillow !   i know bugs geek him out ... so i attempt to find the correct tone to speak in.  i say -- stacey, there's a bug on your pillow.  he about flew out of his bed !  he isn't the kinda person who just immediate squishes a big.  no.  he examines it.  no matter where , when or what the circumstance -- he just has to know WTF it IS.  then he will squish, kill , mame , set fire to , or whatever .  so he takes a full three minutes to examine this mystery bug on his pillow! in the meantime -- i just want it dead and gone.  eeeewwweeee. even tho i was three or four feet away.

he kills it.. then takes a pic, then gets on google.....  guess what folks ?  it was a F'N bed bug !!!  yup.  a bed bug !  i thought all my life that bed bugs were microscopic. unseen by the nekkid eye.  but nooooo.  this f'er was big as a dog tick !!!  in fact that's what soulkid thought it was.  i thought maybe a beetle?   nope. a bedbug !!!!!
to make it worse?   can it get worse?  oh yeh.  it got worse.  much worse.  we immediately start freakin out ! all of us!  stace googles motels, i call motels, danielle starts flippin over pillows and sheets ... and WHILE i'm on a four minute phone call to a booked up motel .. telling him of our horror story of being trapped in bed bug motel with no where to go --- i see, not one, not two, not even three -- but i shit you not , as danielle is moving pillows and sheets , i SAW with my own two eyes -- at LEAST 5-6 of those things !!! --- my head is itching right now just telling you this !!!

i said to him, 'i thought you can't see bed bugs !????  he says 'these are arkansas bed bugs' !
OMGGGGGGG



when we left - i went to the front desk and demanded my money back !  he said no -- at first.   i told him, if he didn't refund my money - i would call the health department, then i would knock on every door in that place and tell them they had bed bugs !  he kept trying to argue.  i told him 'you don't know who you're talking to!'  i swear i WILL knock on every single door in this place - and i will call the health department -- i have you shut down !
guess what?  i got my money back ... and about a minute and a half later?  i noticed i was wearing my Batman hat !  LOL
(it's been a long time since i had to Gran Gran someone that bad... but i still got it)  :))

 we loaded our stuff and drove 100 miles right then, to the next big toen and stayed in a friggin hilton!  

he (the guy on the phone) - told us how to NOT take ANYTHING in our house when we get home.. was all our clothes .. uuuuuggghhhhhhhh.  when we got home .. we all stripped nekkid at the front door and left our clothes outside !

we all took showers .. even chewie got a shower -- i even changed our sheets at home before goin to bed.

it was a trip to end all trips.

but omg... 

it is sooooo goood to be home !

ok folks -- write it in blood -- post a comment -- promise - this does NOT EVER get repeated

have a happy day in your world ...

oh, and just so ya know -- a critter -- can not live on a host -- but they do live on 'stuff .... we threw away a lot -- and EVERYTHING got washed !!!!

is it cuz i'm me ?  nah.  i know this happens --  i also know -- we will be buying a camper soon... cuz our hotel days are OVAH !






Friday, November 8, 2013

PHOTO CHALLENGE - plus a note

here is my photo for the photo challenge -- the topic is "textures" .. i'm new at this , so this is the best i could do with the time and knowledge i had to work with :

surely , y'all had no doubt my subject would be The Chew ?  :))


anyhow -- as usual, for these days , i am runnin late.   i am off to yet another doc appointment.  yeh, some things never change.  i still see a thousand doctors on a monthly basis.  and occasionally the emergency dr.  but hey, i'm still alive, and kickin around.  apparently ain't nuthin gonna keep me down for too long.  and i'm just to too much of a bitch too die. 

gotta go ... hava a wonderful day in your world --

bye

Wednesday, November 6, 2013

Me again ...

Mornin folks. ..

I only have a minute...  Just wanted to say hello, and wish you all a happy day in your world ...

I am goin to thecasino .. With acouple of friends in a little while.  I should be ready to go by now, but nope... I'm coffeeing... Still my favorite part of the day ;))

Anyhow... Wish me luck..

See ya round


Tuesday, November 5, 2013

I'm so confused... Do you see me on Google ?

Mornin  people.
I just attempted to reset the google  thing.  I guess it used to be google reader but now it's something else.  Yes, i have been away too long.  Anyhow.. If someone wants to tell me what's up with all that , i'd appreciate the help.

so, yep, looks like i'm back.  or at least attempting to be.  i know i owe you all a visit -- or a million. i will be making my rounds - as best i can.   from the looks of things , facebook has taken over.  i look at my sidebar and most haven't posted a blog in 6 months to over a year .  that's too bad.  i hope that when i start cruising around i find that more of you are keeping up.

believe it or not, i still, through all the time and distance, think of all of you.  even the ones that i don't interact with at all anymore.  it isn't like someone killed anyone or something.  there is still a place in my heart and mind for every one of ya.  and i don't really mind how you feel , or what if anything you do about that.  i just want you to know that i haven't forgotten about you.  and also, even though communication, in the traditional, or even - facebook, or blog way -- has been slim pickins ---- you all in your own way , --- something you said to me , or a way you made me feel at some point in time --- literally saved my life in this passed couple years.  i could have easily given up.  a thousand times over - i could have just thrown in the towel.  but i didn't.
maybe it was 'your story'.. a loss of your own.  maybe it was a word or a thousand of encouragement you had given me in the past -- or even at the time i needed it ... during a situation i was in at the time.  even simple as during a game of words with friends --- something that made me laugh ///  it may have been the only laugh for me in a full week, at that time.   maybe it was a prayer you said -- or even just that you said you would pray for me.  you gave me HOPE, in some way.  no matter how big or how small... that hope , turned to faith,  and that faith turned into my being alive today.

you helped me heal.  you helped me forgive.  you helped me love.  you helped me live.

you have only a fraction of information of what i have been   going through for the last couple years.  but as i write here, you may learn more -- or maybe we can just move forward together.

just know that you never left ... i never left really either.  i always thought of you, prayed for you, and wanted the best for you.  i cheered you on when i saw struggles and joy on any posts online - weather you knew it or not.   and in my darkest hour i heard you whisper to me that i can do all things through Christ who strengthens me .... in my toughest times i heard you remind me that i am a survivor -- and nothing will keep me down. 

"when i put before you life and death ... choose life"

i did that.

i'm glad i did.

for once, in many many years, i am happy to be alive.  i am happy that i have you and others in my life.  for the good times and the bad. 

today, i know the difference between being sad for a while, and letting myself sink into a deep depression.  lately i am sad , because i lost my pets.  and i had a tough few weeks.  we got the ashes of Sushi and Jitterbug back yesterday... we will have closure soon, and move on.  

my gratitude list today is far better than my "attitude' list.   i could easily be angry and resentful. and bitter right now, over many things.... one in particular , that i could throat punch someone over :))  ----  but nope....  my life has much good in it today -- many good people in it, and i will go on,  because that is what people who LOVE me want for me.

i hope you all have a happy happy happy day today in your worlds -

i will see you soon...


Sunday, November 3, 2013

i'm up noooowwwww - part two

well well well -  for bein only part two of a post for today - y'all sure have a lot of reading to do :))  i think there's four or five posts up just from this morning.  so - don't miss any. 

anyhow -- where do i begin?  where did i leave off?  i don't even know.  yup -- that much hasn't changed :))  i still can't remember nuthin. 

i guess i have posted enough 'background info' though for the day that i can just go ahead and give ya a 'quick' - if that's possible - rundown , of the recent past. 

whaddaya want first? 
the good?  bad? or ugly?

there has of course been all of the above.  how bout some GOOD first? 

i got a dog.  most of you know that , but for those who don't?  i did !  i got a service dog. i got her in March, when she was just a puppy.  she is a Cane Corso.  I have done 90 + percent of her training. i have had help at some classes with her obedience, but I have done ALL of her socialization by myself.  she has flown in the cabin of an airplane at my feet, she goes to the movies with me, she goes to restaurants almost daily, she goes 'shopping' ,  anywhere, and everywhere i go - she goes. 
and she is not a small dog. she is pushin over 90 pounds right now. and is getting bigger. :))  she will grow to somewhere between 110-125  -- just no one knows how big she will get.  her heart is just as big as her body.  her birthday is 12-26-12.  she just turned 10 months old , so is still a puppy. 
i call her hunny alot -- she is my hunny badger :))  crazy little thing.
she makes me smile , and laugh, and get out of bed - and leave the house... and everyone , when we are out just has to talk and ask questions, so i am forced to speak to people.  agoraphobia?  what agoraphobia?  social anxiety?  what is that?   i still get nervous - don't get me wrong.  but this dog has changed my LIFE/ and my WORLD.

 



the family got pups too.  Malenois pups.  a male and a female. the female is Aza , the male is Tuco. yes, from Breaking Bad  :))  they both came from Holland , but from different breeders. so no, they aren't related.  they are the same breed of dog that our dog Eevie 'was'.  and they are both insane.  very high strung . it's the breed.  and why i chose the corso.  my dog is sooo chill.  she loves to play with the other pups,  but when it's time to be quiet, have coffee, or be in puplic .. you don't even know there's a dog there.  unless of course ya want to.


 tuco




Aza


some of ya know i quit smoking -- finally.  yup - still quit. mothers day - will, hopefully, be 2 years.  i use an electronic cig -- so yep - i admit , still hooked on the nicotine .  but not smoking.  i haven't had bronchitis or strep throat since i quit. and y'all know that was a chronic thing for me when i was smokin three packs a day.  i really do like the e-cig.  and i was one of the lucky ones -- i was able to quit real cigs in 24 hours ! with it.

oh and what else ?  you will laugh at this -- i am now a proud member of the red hat ladies !!!technically i am what they call a pink hat - cuz i am under 50.  but it is so fun. and the ladies are wonderful. 

ok - i am runnin out of time -- cuz believe it or not -- i have to go somewhere :))

so -- i have some bad news to leave you with .. but it's been a week , as of tomorrow. a lot of you know - some may not -- but we lost two of our babies last monday. yes , on the same day.  what a nightmare.  hubby and i weren't even here to help with soulkid to handle the two trips to different vets.  but we were about between an hour - hour and a half away , when soulkid called to say Sushi, our min pin, was very sick.  we headed home, she took her to the vet. (sushi died on the exam table, she had a breathing attack and asperated). 
by the time she got home - Jitterbug  , our oldest cat, the fat torty, was lying on the floor , not moving.  she took her to the emergency vet. 
we had to see and pay for sushi first, then went to where danielle-soulkid was with jitty.  once we got the rundown, and saw her -- the decision... a word i HATE - was made that she be let go. 
neither of them had a chance.














both are being cremated, and we will take them to Arkansas where my sons are.. we will bury them there. 

on that note -- i have to go. 


i hope life has been good to you all.  it may not sound like it in some of the things i have said .. but overall... life is good today.  i have a life.  and as you know, there have been times that i couldn't have said that.

FOUND IN DRAFT FILE - written?) posted 11/3/13

greetings, and salutations !  how have y'all been out there in your worlds?  i hope life has been good to you ALL.  some of you i have an idea of what's been goin on , but others, nope -- i have lost total contact with you.  others, i 'see' on face book now and again, but rarely if ever do we exchange comments.  as for reading your blogs -- if you even keep one going anymore?  nope , i haven't been there.
i have had a tough go of things in my world for a long while here.  things have gone back and forth with me, physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually.  and so forth.  for quite some time.  i only recently am able to say that i feel some stability in my life.  ooooh.  i think i'll say that again.  i feel some stability in my life !!!!!   yay !  i feel almost like my old self again.  i was at a point that i thought that person was long gone.  never to return.  maybe she is?  maybe we never go back.. and maybe that's good.  but i am able to say, i at least feel normal.  alive. human. sane. comfortable in my skin. like i have a reason to breathe, and get dressed, and shower, and eat.
i didn't for the longest time.  i felt foreign to just be alive.  it was absolutely unbearable to be awake, and breathing.  to think was a chore.  to sleep was a major task.  to function was torture.  to live was impossible.  i crawled into my mind and i stayed there.  for months.  until,  well until i went a little bit crazy in there.  there wasn't enough room up there for me and my own thoughts.  talk about the angel and the devil on your shoulders?  try havin em battle in your head on a constant basis.
i think i learned how truly crazy people get the ideas of angels and demons being them or talking to them.  cuz man i tell ya ...  it was me battling good and evil thoughts -- all the time.  but that's what it was... thoughts.  live vs die.  anxiety vs peace.  run vs. stay.  scream vs silence.  ask for help vs do it alone.  call out for God - or give into myself.  constantly  constantly. it was awful.  so awful.   i got to a point where all i did was pray .  just pray.  even when all i knew what to say was Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, over and over and over again.  until one day something in me changed.  i woke up and instead of praying for God to let me die -- i asked him to bless my family, and friends .. yeh, friends!  and to help me make it through that day!  that day turned into another - and another -- then i went outside -- then i began to meet people.... then i began to talk to people -- then i began to eat with people --- now i have people in my life i call my friends!  real live walking talking people.  not ones that only live in my computer. :))
my world is getting bigger.  and y'all are still in it.  i let ya fade into the background, but you were always here.  without you i never would have never made it through this last bought of depression, and self loathing.  world loathing even.  i don't know that i have ever been to a point that low in my life.  and i have been low.  y'all know i isolate.  i'm good at it.  but ooooh so bad. 

i'm up nowwwww - part one -



so anyhow.  where was i ?  oh yeh --- i just remembered , i had a little of this post saved to draft from last night - so lemmee see if or how i can retrieve that -- 

 ok-- i found it -- so below is what i started to write last night before i got too tired ----


 damn, time flies when ya get a life.  i just noticed it's been almost a year since i posted last.  not intentionally, just kinda turned out that way.  my life got really very boring, and aside from that, no one was comin around to read or keep me motivated by commenting.  i know my own lack of enthusiasm didn't help anything... but with no comments, it just all kinda fizzled out.  and so did i.

  facebook has helped me keep in touch with most of you, and oh i appreciate that .  i almost lost all of you.  i did lose some.  thank God, not all.  because even though many of us met through these pages -- you have left footprints on my soul that will never leave. 

i will accept my part in any destruction in 'our' relationship issues.  but please, if it was due to my isolation, give me a chance to try to make it right.  in most if not all cases - i have already begun reach out and make amends- . 

even in the most 'damaged' relationship - there is light, after a very long 'separation' .  and that makes me happy.  i think there is some trust issues on both sides at this point, but it's early.  it's to be expected.  and that's ok.  it's all ok with me.

if it's  ok with y'all.  i'm still the same soul i was before.  maybe even a little better in some ways.   i guess i sure can't be any worse, right?

so anyhow -- i know i am already babblin like a brook.  i haven't written anything longer than a facebook post since i wrote on here last.  not for lack of desire.  just -- i don't know -- writers block?  nothin to say? no one to say it to?  not a thing goin on worth writing about?  well, that last part isn't entirely true.  i have actually been very busy lately.  and there has been a ton of stuff i could have been writin about -- for months.  i really wish i would have been writing.  there's been a million things goin on this past year or so. good bad and indifferent.  and it would have been great to share a lot of it with y'all.

i still want to write 'my book'.  yep, that damned book.  i think about that book so often this last couple years.  i just don't know where or how to start.  maybe i need a ghost writer.  or someone to take dictation.  uuughh.  i don't know nuthin bout birthin no book !  :))  it will happen tho.  someday, before i die, i will write my book.

so anyways -- speakin of not knowin how to start a book ---- i don't know how - or where to start this post either.  i could start by telling you that this passed month has been , i'll bet, the worst, all around, physical, mental, and emotionally bad month , for me -- in a very long time.  as in years , long time.  starting maybe in the second week of October -- and it's still hard. 

Saturday, November 2, 2013

do we have a date? dependeing on when i wake up - we can coffee here :))



and to begin?  i will post a new blog entry tomorrow.  11-3-13
lots to catch up on, so bring coffee.  i'll have mine.  

Sunday, February 10, 2013

one foot in front of the other

hi folks --
hope y'all are having good days out there.  i'm tryin.  tryin to not allow myself to stagnate.  i have been doing pretty good at that for a while lately.  for some time though, i swear i was growing mold. 
today, i am trying to not get resentful and angry about a few things.  it isn't easy.  i opened my kitchen blinds this morning -- that's something i haven't done in a while...  for one thing, i had been away for over a week up until a few days ago, and another, i just sort of got out of the habit of -- well, nearly moving, much less opening the blinds!   well, this morning i did, just before i  -- get this ... cleaned my kitchen! :))   .. even after the disappointment that awaited me behind the blinds.   what was it? you may be wondering...   well there's a little back - story to it ...  a few weeks ago, on night , me and soulman were sitting in the living room, it was dark outsided, and we could hear the kids next door in their yard playing.  then we kept hearing what sounded like rocks hitting our kitchen window.. but every time he went out side to look they would hide!   he or i, never did catch them throwing rocks, nor did we notice anything broken.
UNTIL this morning! i opened my blinds and noticed a big old broken/cracked bulls-eye type break in my kitchen window!!  and it's not like we can replace a little panel.  we have to replace the entire giant window -- IF we end up fixing it.  oooooohhhh.  it's taking a lot of back peddling for me -- every time i think about it.   but i am just not gonna let myself get mad about something i know happened weeks ago.  and that i cannot prove to anyone to make them pay for.  it's on us to fix, so why get all ate up about it right?     so .. this is like i was saying yesterday ..  i am trying to get back to who i used to be -- back to the Soul - i used to be.  yep.. shit happens, but i don't have to let it be huge and ruin my day.  i just have to do the next right thing in front of me.  so that's what i did.  i finished my dishes, and the rest of the stuff i had to do .. and here i am .. and when i'm done here - i am gonna go out on this wonderfully unseasonably sunshine filled day and take care of some business :))   when i can assure you all, that even one week ago,  i would have let that window ruin my day.  i would have shut the blinds , sat back in my chair, and cancelled the day altogether.  i would have sat there frown faced and angry until soulman came home from work and made sure to share my misery with him.  unless i had to immediately text him and ruin his day even sooner . 
i didn't do that. 
i just wanted to jump in here and share that with y'all.   i have been living in pure emotionally turmoil for a long while.  i don't know why.  but i do feel it changing..  i feel the tides- a - turnin.  i guess i just want to let -- someone --- know --- if you are having a bad time of things ... even if it's every damn thing ...  just hang in there -- cuz it won't last forever.

don't give up.  it will get better.  

even if you open your blinds and the window is cracked --- it's better than not opening the blinds at all  :))

later y;'all

have happy days in your worlds today --- i will  :))

Friday, February 8, 2013

someone told me i'm still alive -- --

yep - it's true - so , i reckon i should act like it.  some days i sure don't feel very alive.  or maybe i should say that i haven't felt alive, for quite some time.  that is beginning to change.  things have been so very difficult in my world lately.  for many many months actually.  i could go as far as to say close to a year.  and i don't even know why, or how things got so out of hand.  i could blame medications.  changes.  stopping.  starting.  too many.  not enough.  ugh.  i hate taking meds.  depending on meds to stay alive.  or to move. or to sleep.  or to feel normal.  i went off my meds - anti depressants, pain meds , all of it , for a short while. after the horrid withdrawl,  personally, i felt better than ever.  until people around me began to say otherwise.  what an upside down feeling that is -- when you feel and look good to yourself, and the very few people you interact with say 'you look clinically depressed'.  WTF!?  i didn't.  i wasn't.  my family said i looked and seemed ok.  but a doctor - who apparently wanted to sell or keep me on meds, had the nerve to say THAT to me... it just threw me entirely into a downward spiral.  i felt out of sync with the world.  i didn't feel like i could trust anyone. not even myself or my own feelings, mind, or emotions.  i got paranoid and thought everyone wanted me medicated and isolated.  it tore me up inside. 
this has been an awful struggle.  of course i went back on meds.  pain meds, i really can't function without.  anti depressants i went back on.. more for the anxiety than anything else.  anxiety like i had never experienced in my life.  of course the steroids for the addisons disease -- the doctor actually CUT the dose of that, which surely didn't help matters any while under such stress... that has been raised back up to the regular dose... and vitamin D has been added.  my vitamin D levels are Half of what a normal person has on the LOW end.  ugh.  i am a total mess. 
BUT -- things are headed back to normal.  whatever normal means. 
i have threatened to divorce - or run away - or both.  and even went as far as to 'run away' once or twice.  neither time lasted for more than a few days.  but i have been totally confused and lost for a while here.  i have kept my faith in God , and in you all.  knowing that neither will leave me.  and that is what has kept me strong in believing that i will find my way back to myself and to my family ... i knew that 'SOUL" was still in me somewhere, and that i was being brought through some type of strong hard lesson, and would get to the other side --- eventually.  the home front is a lot more stable and comfortable now as well. 
once i learned that i was having medical issues , and not losing my mind, it made it much easier to handle, and gain patience.  for me and my family.  thank God for my husband and my daughter.  they have been so good to me through these passed months.  i have been nowhere easy to live with.  they still see ME in me... when i cannot. 
i'm learning to look at things as a blessing not a curse, and to remember the good and not focus on the bad.  God seems to be 'growing me up".  i see where i have failed him, and where i have left him.  and i see now that nothing began to change for the better in or around me in these situations, until i reached out to Him again.   i have been feeling so alone and isolated - and disconnected from everything and everybody - even myself , that i didn't know who i was, or feel like i fit or belonged anywhere.  it has been the most horrible physical awful feeling i have ever experienced in my life.  and y'all know i have felt pretty damn bad at times. 
well, God didn't leave me, i left Him.  i don't know when or why, or even how.  but i know that it took a lot to get my attention, and a lot of pain to bring me back to him.  but he is back and things are good in my life again.  it's at least gettin that way. i still struggle with anxiety -- but nowhere near as horrible as it was .
funny thing about that?  nothing really happened to make anything go bad -- and nothing really happened to bring it back around.  it's all just been a God thing.
as usual, i make no sense .. i just wanted to check in, and let y'all know , i am alive, and facebook never has enough space for me to babble like i do..  so here it is if you care to see it. 
i miss y;all .  and i still think of each one of ya a lot.
have happy days in your worlds folks -- i plan to :))

Wednesday, December 19, 2012

here he is -- conrad - the new baby





isn't he somethin?   i hope i get to see him soon.  i still haven't met my great - niece. who is a year old now.  now i have Conrad.  the family is growing .. and it's hard to watch it grow without me. 



Monday, December 17, 2012

so much - so little

hey peoples -- if there is any peoples left.  i reckon i should apologize -- yet again - for not bein here for so long. i thought i would be writing again, as you could see from my last couple posts. BUT -- yeh, i know , "everything after 'but' is bullshit".. as i always say, BUT- i guess i'm known best for disappearing this last year or two.  for that i am sorry.  i know some of you worry.  well, maybe not so much anymore.  my fault.  i know.

anyhow -- i'll start with some really great news -- my oldest nephew --  first of three-- is at this very moment - in florida, awaiting the birth of his first born.. a boy!  his name is 'Conrad'.. i am so very happy for him and his lady.  this is my second great aunt-ness :))  the first was a girl.  her name is Hayden.  she is a little over a year old now.  she was born to the youngest nephew.  guess the middle boy needs to get busy :))  but yeh,,  i got on this darn computer hours ago - and i just can't peel myself off of it!!!  afraid i might miss something.  like the birth of Conrad.  i want to see the photo of that little face the second it pops up on facebook !



now comes the whining ... sittin here is killing my back!  yep, the pain still kicks my butt.  i try my best to not complain... i have gotten better about it.. just sometimes i have to say it.  'i'm hurty'.  it doesn't make any difference tho.  some days are better than others, and for that i am grateful.  so, like i said, i just do my best to not complain.  i heard a tv preacher -- my favorite one actually.. Joel Osteen, say "Be positive, or be quiet".   well, you can prolly imagine ... i'm pretty quiet sometimes.
my head isn't quiet much tho.  y'all know how my head can be.  i do work on that a lot.  when i get negative.. i have been praying -- and praying some more.  life has gotten pretty messy for me this last few months.  i think a lot of it was the darn anti depressant withdrawal.  i thought that was gonna kill me.  seriously.  it was so gawd awful physical.  absolutely horrible.  everything from electrical face zappy feelings, to some serious weight loss.. as if i needed that.  i still don't have much of an appetite.  i can't afford to lose anymore weight.  if i were to get sick or something i'd be in some big trouble.  none of my clothes fit me anymore.  i wear a belt , and just look bad.  oh and the anxiety and panic attacks are enough to make me think i'm gonna drop dead.  i don't know what to do with myself. 

i did however go back on prozac a couple or three weeks ago.  i had to.  not for depression, but for the anxiety. i couldn't stand it.  it was physically impossible to tolerate.  it has eased a bit.. maybe a lot.  but i still have a problem with it, on a nearly daily basis.  i don't know why.  i just keep praying about it, and try to keep my mind off of things.  like everything.  i keep telling myself that maybe it's the Christmas, or December thing.  i don't know if it is or not -- but whatever might buy me some time is good enough for me. it is very odd for me to be feeling this way right now -- because there is absolutely NO reason for it.  and it isn't a 'mental' thing.  my mind is ok.  it is just a physical awful anxious, horrible 'state of being'.  ugh.

other than that?   my family is doing fine.  soulkid just finished her second semester of college :))  we also just got her a new / used car.  she had been driving a big ole gas guzzler- a nissan pathfinder that she could barely afford to drive to work and school.  a couple weeks ago we found her a little VW beetle.  she loves it.  it's a nice little older car. a 2002.  the price was right and it should last her several years.  the pathfinder sold to the first caller .  so that was good.  barely broke even, but that's the market these days .  at least my yard doesn't look like a used car lot.

anyhow ---  i still think of all of you.  i miss you all, and i miss writing.  my mind has been elsewhere, and i just haven't felt like i could even write a complete sentence... i guess i was wrong.  i can still babble looks like huh? 

i hope you all are doing well and being happy in whatever you're doing .. have happy Christmas and New years -- and know i haven't forgotten any of you.  i'm still here. 

Friday, October 19, 2012

here i am again

hello --

it's another day -- another day that will be busy in both body and mind...  but there is progress being made.  there is a lot of things that need to be taken care of here.  but it is happening. 

if anyone wants to reach me , most of ya know how to do that -- well.. obviously THIS is one of best ways right here .. cuz it comes here AND to my email...
then there's facebook .. oh, how i loathe facebook...  but i use it lately as i try to reconnect with my peeps.  it's helping.
i have text on my phone -- which i would rather use than my actual speaking voice -- especially right now -- but -- i have spoken to a couple folks and it aint that bad.
 i will be attempting to get hooked up on SKYPE soon.. i have no friggin idea how to do that -- i will find someone to help me tho. 

i have been 'isolated' for so long i just don't know how to act.  i feel like i'm somewhere between being born, or being released from prison  :))
i'm not sure.  i feel pretty socially retarded though.  i have forgotten how to talk to people... i have lost my ability to write freely or creatively. 
a lot has changed for me and in me ... but oh, how i blame the meds.  i was blind to so much. 
'i was blind but now i see.'

ok--- i gotta GET UP --


have happy days in your worlds today !

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Don't let the limp fool ya

ok. so. i have no idea where to start this thing.  we went to Galveston for the weekend.  i attempted to pen blog.. as we had no internet -- .  i had my iphone -- which may have allowed me to post -- but i can't remember now if it was my failing vision, or a technical issue that wouldn't let me post on it.  but i did try.  when i did have internet access the dumb IPAD, for whatever stupid reason refuses to let me post pix on my blog.  these little issues frustrate me right into a frenzy.  i'm too old for this.  electronics are supposed to make life easier.  i'm tellin ya-- for the cost, they sure should!  they do not.

we went down there for a 'timeshare upgrade' meeting.  call me forrest gump' - i had no idea that it was gonna be like a car trade in type thing.  -stupid is as stupid does-  ugh.  yeh. they wanted us to trade in our cabin time share .. which i love actually, for one of their condo types.  it would have been a good deal IF that was what we wanted -- which included going about 20,000 further in debt... while ours is deeded bought and paid for.  of course we said no .   i really can't even fathom the thought of paying that much for a timeshare in the first place.  much less when ya add the equity of our own, and their so called cash offer on top of that.  holy cow.  they must be insane.  but oh well. it's a business.

we did enjoy ourselves tho.  soulkid brought her boyfriend , and it was a nice litttle trip.


 here's a couple pix you've mostly all prolly seen -
on the beach in Galveston



"the rats are workin , turnin those wheels"

 so anyways, i have really been wantin to get back into blogging.  i feel very disconnected from y'all.  i feel disconnected from the world really. but i am inchin my way back. i see you.

i mentioned here a lil bit back that i was goin off my anti depressants.  wow.  what a friggin ride.  and not a fun one.  most of the physical side effects are gone now.  they lasted for several weeks.  they were severe, and at times near debilitating. 
i have been on one anti depressant or another -- sometimes more than one at a time -- for over sixteen years.  to me that is absolutely crazy.  almost malpractice or abuse - neglect even -- , thinking now - with a somewhat cleared head.  yeh, i think i needed them when i was initially prescribed them.  i know they saved my life at the time.  but now?  OMG-- other times?  i think they did more harm than good.  i think they really did a lot of damage to my mind and my soul.

i saw my shrink last week , and she was about to put me on another one -- an anti depressant.  because i had told her that i didn't take the 'Effexor" - OR the "Viibryd" -- that i was Supposed to be taking.  -- which meant i was on NO anti depressant.  she then wrote a RX for -- i think she said 'Luvox", but i'm not sure , because i haven't taken it.  i did fill the prescription.  -- just in case.  but i have not taken it.  'how is my anxiety' - you ask?  ugh.  well, i do have PTSD.. you know.  i have a major anxiety/panic disorder, and it can get pretty bad at times.  i have been trying very very hard to keep the stress down, but that is difficult.  but hey-- i'm trying.  and this is new to me.

in this last 12 months this dr. has had me on - or prescribed --

?--somethin i can't remember--
prozac - quit workin -- ... i prolly had a bad day... oh gosh-- an emotion  :((
celexa -- this stuff nearly killed me .. for real.. it took a long time to know this.
prozac --  pretty sure i went back on prozac -- i think i just was worn down from summer trips/
effexor - a panic attack from hell caused some issues --leading to a med change -- and i got this
 viibryd -- then this -- that i did not take -
luvox -- then this -- that i did not take --

i had severe withdrawals from the celexa as well as the effexor - .  it was around march when i went off of the celexa and back on the prozac.

then there was a med change - screw-up after the summer vacations -- and i had a big addissons problem then too.  i got really sick.  did i get hurt around that time?  seems like i got hurt.  i can't even remember.
yup still have memory problems... but they're getttin better -- a little bit.  -- ahh yes -- march -- the tub.  owie.

things are gonna get better.  i been prayin a lot.  a lot a lot.  so that means that things are gonna get better. 

so -- like i said -- don't let the limp fool ya .. things aren't always what they look like
so --- what do y'all think --- don't you think you'd be a little confused at times too?  sometimes i think the woman is just trying to get a kickback from the med company or somethin.  i really don't know.  i used to literally trust her with my life.  now i do not trust her at all.  i am trying to talk myself into gettin a new shrink.  i do need the xanax prescribed -.  so. hmmmm.  things that make ya go 'hmmmm'

so --  as my mind and body filter out all the anti depressant poison after all these years...  a lot is becoming more clear to me.  a lot of it i can't really just put here on these pages, but maybe another time i can, or will.  but i can say this much -- those damned meds sure can control and change a person.
 did y'all hear that part?   those friggin meds really can AND DO control, and change a person.   many times without them even noticing.

i have lost years of my life due to these meds.  and what they have done to me.  and what i have let them let people do to me. or worse -- what they have caused me to do to people....
 it's really too bad that so much has gone wrong with me physically along the way.  it would be nice to have found all this out and be in better physical condition.  ya know what i mean?  cuz there's not a lot i can really do now -- i'm still a mess.



i don't know what to do with myself right now.
 mentally... i feel ok.  i don't feel crazy - mental- depressed -- none of that kinda stuff.  i have to wonder how much of that was medically induced.
like i said -- i am dealing with a lot of anxiety - but that's why i have xanax - it helps.
physically-- pain is a bitch -- we know that.

i'm just takin things one step at a time... all i know at this point is -- a stagnant pond begins to stink after awhile.